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Men are always pegged as the randier of the sexes. They are described as always being down for a little bedroom activity no matter how they are feeling and what’s going on in their lives.

As we move away from constricting stereotypes around womanhood, we have to challenge ourselves to also loosen the reigns on sexual expectations of men.

Relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray explained in an interview with TODAY that men can’t be expected to perform at all times. In her new book,  “Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships,” Murray seeks to debunk the idea that men are  “always in the mood.”

“Men sometimes don’t want to have sex,” Murray told Insider.

 “‘Not tonight dear, I have a headache’ — we think about that as something the wife says. We don’t have the same vernacular for talking about men’s low sexual desire.”

As a part of her research, Murray interviewed and surveyed 200 heterosexual men in relationships from the age of 18-65.

What she found is that men can have emotional holdups surrounding the act like women do.

“Men were telling me that if they had been having a fight with their partner that hadn’t been resolved or if they just didn’t feel so close and connected, even if she was interested in sex, sometimes, they just wouldn’t be,” she explained. “He just wouldn’t feel sexual desire — it was dependent on feeling that emotional closeness first.”

Continuing, “It’s a way for men to bring those walls down; to feel they can just be themselves,” she said. “It really is this opportunity to be open, vulnerable, close, connected, and emotional.”

The study also observed that men’s sexual desire wanes when they have to take on other responsibilities in the home–just like women do. Men indicated that sex stopped being a priority around 40.


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