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In full transparency, I’ve been played….a lot. The guy I lost my virginity to in my youth had a whole fiance and baby on the way, and I didn’t even know it. I was friends with a guy for 15 years and kept him in the friend zone, and when I finally let him out of his cage in a moment of weakness he turned around and secretly had a whole ‘nother woman on the side, too. Trash.
At almost 30, I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has been objected to manipulation, lies, cheating and heartache all on the road to finding the elusive “one.” But as we grow older, it gets harder and harder to recover from these torterous relationship pains. Instead of going out and trying again, we drown in the feeling of being “victimized” by these guys, or worse, we start to question if something is wrong with us. Those thoughts can lead you down a long road of rejection–and nothing is more isolating and lonely than feeling totally dismissed and disposable by the men you once loved and trusted.
In the scenarios outlined above (and more I am not even going to mention), I always found myself feeling unworthy and hurt–left alone in the wilderness of my mind wondering why they didn’t “choose me.”
“Why her?” I would ask myself over and over again as I perused her social media platforms and looked at their new happy photos together. Was I not good enough? Pretty enough? Rich enough? Light enough? Is it because my hair is 4c and short and hers is 3c and long? Is it her size? Her personality? Her career? Why not me?
These questions circulated around my head with nowhere to go for months, years even. But one day I had to make a decision to reign my questioning in and do some inner searching.
What I found was a miraculous realization–not one of the men that I wanted so badly who “played” me demonstrated the qualities and personality attributes of a dependable, trustworthy and consistent partner.
This was my aha moment.
Here I am, telling God and the universe that I am ready for the real thing: a lasting love, an upright partner, a consistent confidante, but I insisted on pining after men who blatantly showed me they were incapable of providing me with any of the character attributes I desired!
From that perspective, no matter who pulled the plug on the connection, we both equally rejected the relationship. Find your footing and power in that fact.
While dating, your role is to collect DATA. It’s a research period. And if in that time you learn that someone can not maintain loyalty, honesty, communication and commitment, then my dear, that individual is simply not qualified to do this thing called life with you.
Understanding my wants and needs and finally holding them against the men I chose gave me the empowerment I needed to no longer feel “rejected” by another man ever again in this life. Sure, he didn’t choose me. But I sure as hell am not choosing him either.
