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“If you don’t do this, we’re done. This is a deal breaker for me.” Depending on which side of the argument you are on, this statement can either be a bold declaration of boundaries, or an unfair ultimatum. There is a thin line between the two, and discernment must be used to decide if this is a moment to put your foot down, or to be more flexible and graceful with your partner and their growth.
Tracy McMillan, Temptation Island’s relationship expert, told Bustle that while its important to assert boundaries in terms of commitment, love and treatment, ultimatums are a form of manipulation.
“Ultimatums might work in the short-term — lots of people get so scared to lose their partner that they’re willing to pop the question even though they might not be totally ready,” McMillan explained.
“…an ultimatum is really a form of coercion; after all, you’re threatening your partner with the pain of abandonment if they don’t do what you want,” McMillan adds.
It takes away the right of the partner to come to the conclusion themselves.
“A key aspect of building trust in a relationship is mutuality — relationships, especially in the long-term, function best when both partners are equally invested,” McMillan continues.
“Knowing you have been chosen by your partner is a really precious thing that you don’t want to give up just because you’re impatient.”
Now this isn’t the same as telling your partner what you expect in a relationship. It’s important to lay out your needs and desires early to see if you all have the same ideals surrounding partnership.
“Setting boundaries is different — it’s not about the other person’s behavior, but about your own; it’s an entirely different way to frame things.”
For example, McMillan explains that you can say, “I am no longer comfortable in this relationship at this level of commitment. I acknowledge your right not to be ready for marriage, and I wish you all the best, but this is no longer right for me. I am leaving you out of love for myself and respect for your process.”
That has a totally different energy then: propose to me or we are done. Ultimately, you want to be able to completely erase ultimatums from your relational language.
“The best way to avoid an ultimatum situation is to be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship,” McMillan reccomends.
“This isn’t about getting the other person to sign on to anything; it’s about knowing what you’re looking for in life and being honest about it.”
