Woman Up, Man Down? My Struggle Not To Emasculate My Man As An Alpha Female

December 4, 2018  |  

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this

Source: LaylaBird / Getty

We are currently amid a feminist uprising unlike any other. Now, more than ever, women are taking a stand and using their voices to speak out against any and all injustices that impact the female gender. In conjunction with this feminist uprising, there is a more significant presence of alpha females. These strong, take-charge women are successful, independent, and committed to living according to the book of Beyoncé. We’re basically running the world; but are we running our male companions away too?

Since the beginning of time, there have been women running things and making their own moves, just ask Adam. Yeah, Eve made a bad decision, but she took charge and made her own choice, and that is definitely one of the characteristics of an alpha female. I think we all know that while alpha females have always been a thing, we weren’t always as free to do our thing as we are now. There was a time when strong women had to hide behind men and stay in a woman’s so-called place. Those women were just as strong, independent, intelligent and capable as we are today, but they had to dumb themselves down because of society’s standards.

Long gone are the days of women suppressing our strengths to accommodate men, conforming to society, or waiting to be saved by some knight in shining armor. Alpha females are showing up, putting in work and saving ourselves. We understand our power and potential doesn’t rely on anyone other than God and us (duh). But as a girl who was raised by alpha females, there was one thing that always bothered me that I have tried to avoid as an alpha female myself. Growing up, I witnessed many of the women around me were either unable to maintain relationships or were in relationships with men they emasculated. My mother, a beautiful, strong woman, emasculated my step-father most of their marriage, and I hated it. I would always say, “when I have a man, I’m not going to do that to him.” However, now I see that it is much easier said than done.

Yeah, I know that the Bible says the man should be the head, but what if he isn’t capable? Should I allow my life to be in shambles while waiting for a man to be a man? During a recent Facebook conversation discussing alpha females, a friend of mine made a valid point when she explained how we got into this predicament. “An entire generation of Black men were absent, which forced mothers to teach their daughters to be more efficient and independent.,” she stated. “We had to adapt and now our men must do the same.” I felt that.

When I consider the male/female relationship, I must acknowledge the fact that somebody’s got to be on top (pun intended). However, being strong doesn’t equate to being mean, dismissive, or inconsiderate. There is a time to turn up and use your strength and there is a time to turn down and follow someone else’s lead. This has proven to be a challenge for both alpha females and alpha males.

So how can women strike a balance between not dimming their own light for the sake of a man and knowing when to pull back their superwoman cape? Honestly, it’s something I’m constantly working on, but I can tell you what has worked (somewhat) well for me. While it might sound elementary AF, following these principles has kept me off Tinder and Christian Mingle for 13 years.

STOP!

I make it a habit to check myself in every situation. I now understand that being quick to act and react is not always the best way. Even when bae is on my last nerve (and that happens a lot), I pause for the cause. As an alpha female, my instinct is to take charge, but that isn’t always best. Sometimes you must pump your brakes, put that mouth on mute, and allow your man to handle things in the manner he sees fit so long as it doesn’t cause harm to himself or you. Remember the age-old question: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

LOOK!

I don’t know about you, but I am the queen of doing the most. When I’m in that mode, I don’t see myself until someone brings it to my attention. However, when I pay attention to bae, I can see when my most is too much. Some men love alpha females, they are eager to support our strength, but being talked down to isn’t what your partner signed up for. When I sense discomfort, it lets me know that I need to chill; I’ve likely crossed a boundary or I’m about to. Pay attention to your man’s actions, his attitude, and his demeanor, even if he doesn’t say anything you can sense when you need to reel it in.

LISTEN!

We all know men are not always as verbal as we are. However, when your man talks, listen. Not only does he deserve to be able to voice his opinion, but he needs to be heard, not for the sake of his ego but for his own emotional health in the relationship.

Do you struggle with emasculating your man? What are some tips you employ to have a better relationship dynamic?

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