All Articles Tagged "trust"
From Single Black Male
Laying there at night, taking inventory of your life between self-induced orgasms, it is inevitable that you will think on a past relationship and ask yourself, “did I fumble?” Hindsight is always 20/20; coulda-woulda-shoulda’s abound when you look back at experiences that seemed muddled at the time. Now, everything appears exceedingly clear: you should have gone left instead of right, zigged instead of zagged, on and on to infinity. I am convinced that the easiest way to give yourself a meltdown is to second-guess your moves in life. In love, like chess, you can’t take a move back.
At times like these, you are experiencing a normal reaction to being alone. As social creatures, we all crave intimate connection to an individual, family and community. So a streak of loneliness while single is natural, and to be expected. But it can also be dangerous, leading you to engage in behavior to satisfy short-term needs, while having long-lasting effects. And so we must learn how to identify the signs, work through lonely periods, and conduct ourselves properly when interacting with others from a place of neediness/loneliness.
There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. Alone is a status –someone who is single with little or no action in their draws is technically inactive and alone. They don’t have a special someone to share their burden, they must keep their own counsel, and their rise or demise is entirely their own. When alone, you can take all the credit for the wins, but you assume all responsibility for the losses. It is as frightening as it is liberating, and you will discover exactly what you are capable of – to the most positive and negative extremes. With a determined mind you can make phenomenal strides in self-improvement, or descend into a pit of depravity because you have no one to catch your fall, or propel you forward.
This self-sufficiency makes single life so important because tests that determine our passage to the next level are often solo endeavors. You may even notice that certain doors only admit one at a time, and spiritual discoveries only happen between you, your spirit and The Everlasting. And with a constant focus on companionship, you can slow or even block personal progress. If you don’t acknowledge the value of solitude, embrace and develop your oneness, you squander valuable opportunities to become even more of a catch for your next mate.
Read more at SingleBlackMale.org
Part of the science world is a buzz with the latest study on false memories. In the world of love, family and relationships, false memories can be bombs. A false memory is not a deliberate lie. But it can be a factual inaccuracy.
The false memory bomb exploded in the world of psychology years ago when a woman said she was sexually abused by her father as a child and her father charged that a therapist induced memories of something that never happened. In a false memory, someone remembers some fact or event that didn’t actually happen.
So if your own memories can be false how can you know what’s true?
- Trust that your emotions tell you something real even though they may lead you to distort the facts.
- Don’t work harder to be unemotional. Work harder at being good at emotion. Stay with your feelings long enough to experience the energy of them, and to know what they’re really about.
- Accept that emotions are a natural part of you. Don’t bury the truth of your life. Be real about what’s inside.
Of course, you don’t want to feel pain but if it’s there, you can end up building lie upon lie if you don’t face it. People who become more able to handle the full range of feelings are capable of greater self knowledge and love. And they may be able to experience and remember with more clarity and accuracy.
Wendy is an example of someone who didn’t want to face the jealousy and hurt she was feeling for weeks. But at a party, she couldn’t focus on anything but her husband’s interactions with other women. She later accused him of being involved with someone else. She recalled every detail of one interaction: How he was standing, what the other woman was wearing, how he gestured and laughed. Her husband said she was nuts. Sure, he talked to other women, no one in particular, he said. He couldn’t even enjoy the party because he knew Wendy was mad at him all night.
Wendy walked into the party with feelings that set her up to see in a certain way.
Read more at YourTango.com
I found out from one of my husband’s friends that my husband’s cousin has more than once secretly recorded his girlfriend and he having sex and shows it to a couple or so guys in the circle. And according to this friend he has also been shown naked still shots of this same cousin’s ex wife. I have asked my husband about this and he seemed surprised and told me doesn’t know about it. Every now an then I see the cousin and current girlfriend at parties. And she would usually sit by me, and it’s difficult not to think about all this. As a woman and mother it is so wrong on many levels and disgusting. The cousin is 46 with 2 boys, ages 4 and 7 with his ex wife, the girlfriend is 31 no kids.
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
There’s probably never been a time in your adult life where a potential partner has turned you away because you’re too young — or too old. In a lot of ways, it makes the mystery of love all the more elusive: Does it really know no bounds? Is it really just a number?
The answer is, according to the men in the room, a resounding Yes: Love, when it comes to dudes, really does know no limits — and it really is just a number. Except, of course, for one teensy, tiny exception (that you actually won’t believe).
Why love (and lust) knows no age limit:
“I met this girl in a bar my senior year of college,” admits Derek, 29, “and the next morning, she made mention of the fact that she had orientation and had to head back to campus — and then it hit me. She was a freshmen and it was move-in weekend. Looking back on it — would I have changed my mind about bringing her home if I knew her age? No. Absolutely not. We had fun; and knowing her age wouldn’t have affected that.”
So age doesn’t triumph over fun — but can it hold its own when staring in the face of proposal? “Sorry, but are we still having the age conversation?,” says Adam, 26. When I tell him it’s just out of curiosity, he tells me that his fiancée is five years his senior — and he couldn’t be happier about it. “I’m getting married to a woman who is both literally and figuratively wise beyond my years. I wouldn’t have held back on asking her to marry me just because she’ll be 40 before I’m 35.” And when I pressed him a little further, he admitted that the age difference is a huge turn on — for bothof them. “A lot of guys get a bad rap for being developmentally and emotionally delayed because girls are usually more mature for their age. But meeting a woman who actually wants to keep that lighthearted, carefree aspect of a relationship alive is really Hot. Plus, what guy doesn’t want to take credit for the cougar at the end of the bar?”
“I have one rule,” Jake, 33, tells me: “Never ask for age — unless she looks way too young to be at the bar. In that case, trust your instincts. But overall, I think that girls find it really tacky and tasteless when a guy wants to know their age, like it matters in the heat of the moment — because, well, it doesn’t.”
And Ryder, 25, says that if anything, he goes for women who look older than he does, just to play on the side of caution. “I’m not saying that age matters to me, because it really doesn’t, but I’m not trying to take a girl too young home. I don’t want or need that type of baggage in my life.”
Read more at YourTango.com
From Hello Beautiful
Growing up, the only thing that could separate me and my best friends Alexis and Shavon from hanging out was being put on punishment by our mothers. Aside from that, all three of us were tied at the hip, oftentimes walking home from school and then getting on the phone later that night to discuss how fineStephán Urkél was or was going on between Dawson and Joey on the latest episode of “Dawson’s Creek.”
Things began to change when boys started getting our attention, but nonetheless, we made adjustments as girls and still maintained our relationship. In some cases, we became closer than ever when we learned those hard lessons only young love can teach you. But somewhere after college and the introduction to the real world, I realized having adult relationships would prove to be as daunting as a full-time job.
For the record, as a woman, having a solid core of female friends is not only important, it’s a lifeline. My friends provide different perspectives and oftentimes hard truths that I need to hear. However, with an aggressive work week that far exceeds 40 hours, coupled with an unrelenting fire and ambition that equates to long hours on the computer far past 5pm, sometimes picking up the phone to say ‘hey girl,’ is exhausting.
I know that sounds selfish at best, and lazy at worst, but it’s honest. It does not mean I love my girls any less. I have very few friends that understand that I can indeed love them from a distance, as well as love them sporadically, without becoming offended. These 20s that I am living in are the most detrimental years to my life and my career.
Read more at HelloBeautiful.com
When we initially meet Somaya Reece on the first season of Love & Hip-Hop New York, she openly discussed her relationship woes. Those woes included both physical and emotional abuse. Since then, the South Central Salvadorian beauty has not only revamped her look but has a cute boyfriend who simply adores her. Despite the amazing turnaround for Reese, she humbly never forgets her past. This past weekend the hip-hop reality star turned model and author stated on her Instagram that she was actually once the victim of domestic abuse:
“I love and embrace my imperfections. No one is perfect. No one will ever be. The thought of living or portraying a perfect life is not REAL! My life is transparent for a reason. I embrace the pain I have suffered. The reason why I made it out alive many times over was because I was meant to live in order to tell my story. To tell my story in order to inspire and motivate others. The physical pain will never go away, but my heart is in a better place. I still have night terrors from when my first boyfriend beat my face into pulp. I lost my hearing for a bit. I can still distinctly hear his haunting laugh while he was doing it. He punched and broke the majority of my top right teeth. He crushed my right temple & crushed my upper cheek bones.”
Somaya continued on:
“When you’ve seen death dead in the face, you fears no longer exist. No man on earth can every hurt me or try to instill fear in me. No man (or woman) on earth can determine my fate. And no matter how much or many have tried to bring me down. They can’t. All those that have done me dirty I don’t have to pray for, they need to seek prayer for themselves. Many have tried their best to hurt me, but i’m still here. I’m still standing tall with my head held high. I was once broken but never shattered. I’m here to send a positive message. I don’t allow my past to make me bitter. I don’t use the excuse of my painful past as a reason to act up. I have a lot to live for. I have a lot of people to help. I have my family to work hard for. And I will continue to tell my story in order to inspire YOU.”
Because of her experiences, Reece has launched a domestic violence campaign called “Be You.” The campaign will help domestic violence survivors to rebuild their self-esteem and reclaim their identity.
What are your thoughts on her statement?
When my husband and I first came together as a romantic couple three years ago, we agreed to practice Radical Honesty in our relationship, meaning he and I wouldn’t keep any secrets from each other bigger than a surprise party. The rule can prove more challenging to abide by than you might suspect at first. But both of us feel it’s well worth the occasional angst we experience in order to enjoy a romance that lets us feel totally connected and utterly trusting of each other.
What does Radical Honesty mean? It means, quite simply, that you tell the your partner everything that’s going on in your life. Everything. Not just where you’re going that evening and what you’ll be doing at work that day and with whom, but also mentioning when someone you meet gives you butterflies. When you feel an urge to reach out to an ex. When you get overwhelmed with guilt about someone you hurt years ago.
It means sharing when someone at the office gets flirtatious with you—even if you don’t reciprocate his or her advances. Or telling your partner you find someone—even a movie star—Hot. In sum, it boils down to full disclosure and keeping zero secrets in an attempt to ward off any potential trouble further down the road.
My desire for Radical Honesty runs deep. I was married for six years and in a nine-year relationship prior to meeting and marrying my current husband, Kiran.
Back then I was married to Sid, who was not the love of my life by any means, but we did have a caring, fun relationship—until it all fell apart. I gradually discovered that Sid had been lying to me. First about small things, like running into an ex at an event and grabbing a quick drink with her. Then about big things, like hitting on a mutual friend of ours, telling her how much he wanted to sleep with her. After we divorced, the walls came tumbling down. Other people shared their stories about Sid. Turns out my ex had been dishonest about who he was at his very core. It took me a long time to forgive him—and myself.
What I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt from my first marriage was a gift. I came to see how lies, no matter how tiny, can snowball into grander and far more humiliating deceptions. Lies completely undermined my relationship with Sid; I was not about to allow the same thing to happen with Kiran.
Of course, practicing Radical Honesty can be tough. It forces you to confront tough emotions head on. In a society that teaches us to avoid conflict as much as humanly possible, to make amends, smooth things over, and tell white lies, Radical Honesty is the opposite policy. It’s all about diving headfirst into sticky situations in the name of love.
I’ll give you an example. I have promised to tell Kiran whenever I hear from an ex-boyfriend, just as he will tell me whenever an ex-girlfriend contacts him. I personally don’t think there’s anything worse than glancing at your partner’s cellphone when it rings or buzzes and seeing that heart-pounding, knee-shaking, jealousy-inspiring ex’s name on the screen. What could more instantly and assuredly inspire a total mental breakdown? At least this way, I know that if Angela or Katy (not their real names) reaches out, Kiran will tell me about it—pronto.
Read more at YourTango.com
From Single Black Male
I was able to catch “The Best Man: Holiday” on opening night with my homegirl. Upon leaving the theater she said something that struck me. Without giving anything away, she was amazed at how a man could love a woman so strongly. She was so amazed that she told me that she thinks a man should love a woman more than a woman should love a man.
To be frank, I think we’ve all heard this before. I know that I have, and I also realized that I never paid it much attention. It was at this moment where I simply thought “no.” This couldn’t possibly be right. Let me tell you why.
I told my friend that I think her philosophy is only shaped by her past experiences.
None of us are strangers to relationships in which we may have given more than the other person. To ever say that one person should love one more than the other only speaks to a paranoia we have. In a relationship, we have a paranoia of not wanting to experience that hurt again. In that mindset, we formulate defensive schemes like this. Either we think of it ourselves, or our elders lend their two cents on the issue. Regardless of the source, this idea comes from a place where maybe too much thinking is going on. Sometimes it does pay to experience new relationships in the moment. Give new experiences a fair chance. It’s the only way to remain fair to your partner.
I told my homegirl that if she asked a happily married couple who loved who more, they wouldn’t have an answer. I know what it is to be in love. At no time while being in love did I have a chance to think if I loved my lady more than she loved me. It was irrelevant. I simply knew I loved and that I loved as hard as I knew how to. For a woman to say that a man should love her more says to me that she’s pulling back.
If you’re pulling back and are still waiting for someone to show more love than you do, it isn’t fair.
Your whole relationship is no longer balanced. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that this philosophy will solve your issue either. You could argue that you’re being just as unfair as the person who may have hurt you in the past.
Read more at SingleBlackMale.org
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I usually don’t ask for help, but I am just so disgusted with my situation. I’m 60-years-old and I am ready to accept the fact that I may end this life as a single woman. I have dated more than I care to tell you, and although there are still men out there worth dating, they’re all still so immature. Either they want sex immediately and when you say no they don’t call back or you do sleep with them and they still don’t call you back. I know my age is a turn off, but I have lost weight, I dress well and I have my own home and car. I recently earned my Masters Degree too.
I cannot find a man who appreciates what I have to offer. I was married for 20 years and I’ve been divorced for 17. I am not a prude by any means. I have fallen in love a couple of times but they always end up not calling and finding someone else. One man even got married last year, to a younger woman, and is now trying to talk to me again. What am I doing wrong? I love myself the way I am but I can’t seem to find a man who loves me. I am no dummy, but I don’t play cutesy coy catch me if you can games either; I never have. What advice can you give me because I really don’t like what I’m seeing out here in the dating pool!
Still In Search
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
Why do people cheat? Is it about sex? Being unhappy in a relationship? Truth is, there are tons of reasons why people are unfaithful to their significant others — and a new survey fromVictoriaMilan.com found that 45 percent cheaters have an affair because their partners were glued to their phones. What?!
Regardless, it’s the biggest relationship no-no in the book, but it happens more frequently than any of us would ever like. And whether you’re the cheating or the cheating on, the end result is just as heart wrenching. There’s a frustrating double-standard when it comes to infidelity and monogamy: We typically believe that men, when they’re cheating on a woman, are doing so because their woman isn’t there for them in the ways they need, giving them almost a free pass in the matter; while when a woman strays, it’s because she’s ungrateful and a Slore.
So we polled the guys in our lives to see how they feel about cheating, which sex does it more often and if it’s ever forgivable.
Forgive And Forget
“I cheated on my first girlfriend in college. It was a Shytety thing to do,” says Scott, 27, “but when I was that young I didn’t really care about anyone else’s feelings but my own. I’m not saying what I did was okay … when you’re that young you just Fawk up a lot and learn as you go. It sucked to see how badly I was hurting her, and since we were in the same friends circle the wound never really healed for either of us. She said that she’d forgiven me, but since we were always together, it was impossible to forget.”
“I’ve been cheated on twice,” Cody, 28, says. “I’m like the posterboy for cheaters! It’s a terrible feeling but at the same time, it’s really liberating: You see clearly that, ‘Okay, I do not want to be with this person who is so selfish they can’t even break up with me before they disrespect me.’ So you move on. I try to be the bigger person, most times, and forgive them. Then I cancel them from every social site I know of and swear to never see them again. I think it’s harder for guys because we’re supposed to be these big, strong men who don’t break down and don’t get upset, but, uh, when to two different girls you love do that to you, guess what? You cry. I’m not still crying over it though,” he adds with a laugh, “but the best thing for you is to make your peace with it and then move on.”
Who Does It More?
“Gonna break a lot of hearts with this one,” says Steve, 25, “but girls cheat more than guys. I have a ton of girl friends and they are always talking about seeing other dudes on the side. It’s kinda surprising for me because you’d think that guys do it more — and maybe they do and they’re just better about hiding it — but from the people I spend time with, you’d be shocked to hear how many girls are okay with cheating on their guy.”
“Girls,” says Dylan, a 21-year-old college student says, “are the worst in relationships. You’d never think that, right? Well, it’s true. I think they’ve changed the game up on guys because I’ve never had so many friends be played by their girlfriends. I think that girls are cheating more because they’re tired of being the soft ones in the relationship.”
“I’d say guys are still cheating more than girls, though I know of a lot more girls who’ve ran out on their men in recent years,” says Joey, 31. “Men are still playing their women.”
Read more at YourTango.com