All Articles Tagged "trust"
From Single Black Male
I came across an article over on Thought Catalog titled “13 Ways You Know You’re Dating a High-Quality Woman.” Here are some of my favorites or most cosign-able items from the list, and a few thoughts to go along with them:
4. She has a part of her life that doesn’t involve you. Friends, hobbies, career — whatever. She’s confident and independent enough to not need your involvement in everything she does.
You really don’t need to do everything and be everywhere together. In fact, I don’t even think that’s healthy. Men still like to hang with the fellas, and we’d like to hope that our sig others would still want to see their girls. Besides, what else is there to talk about when you know everything because you’re always there?
5. You wouldn’t think twice about inviting her into different parts of your life: a barbecue with your college friends, a dinner with your parents, a fancy work party — she knows how to handle herself in different settings. She’s mature enough to make a good impression with your colleagues and wise enough to know letting loose with your friends and having fun doesn’t mean she’s immature.
7. When she is in a situation where she doesn’t know people, she introduces herself confidently. She doesn’t cling meekly to your side waiting for you to facilitate every social interaction.
These two go together. A high-quality woman makes our lives easier. If even for a few minutes at a time. It can be difficult when you’re out at an event and trying to network or catch up with people, but you can’t focus on the conversations because you’re worried about her in the corner, or you’re constantly trying to weave her into chats. Don’t get it twisted; it’s polite and we should be proud to introduce her to people. However, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. This is another time where independence comes in handy.
Read more about dating at SingleBlackMale.org
We’ve all heard them and, most likely, we’ve all used them: the lame, not-at-all creative, not necessarily believable breakup excuses. They are cliché, catchphrase, and so common they deserve a place in the dictionary…. or the trash can. They may be all these things, but they are also here to stay.
But, that’s not even the most annoying part. The worst thing about lame breakup excuses is that they are rarely honest: if someone is breaking up with you, you want to know why, and you deserve to know why. What you don’t want is someone with an excuse that reads like it’s written on a teleprompter. “I (insert name here) am just not ready for all this…” And Blah, Blah, Blah.
That is, of course, the bad news. The good news is that lame breakup excuses provide us with, at the very least, blog material. We can poke fun at them, and poke fun at them we will. So, I give you some of dating’s dumbest, lamest, and corniest breakup excuses:
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Ah, the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. An oldie, but not a goodie. The lamest thing about this excuse is that it is a bold faced lie. The person who is using it is really saying, “It’s you, I’m awesome.” If it really wasn’t you, they wouldn’t be initiating a breakup to begin with.
“I’m not ready for commitment”
Taken straight from the “How to Waste Someone’s Time Handbook” comes the commitment excuse. Milli Vanilli blamed it on the rain, and the people using this excuse are blaming it on fear of obligation. What do they have in common? They are both full of crap (yet, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I still have a Milli Vanilli tape…and yes, I listen to it). People who say they are not ready to commit really mean that they are not ready to commit with you. If they weren’t ready to commit with anyone, then why would they be dating in the first place? An exception to this may be the people who insist, from the start, that they aren’t looking for anything serious. They may genuinely run from commitment like Kanye West runs toward a mirror.
Read more about breakups at YourTango.com
“A Man Would Suck On A Cow’s T*tty If The Cow Would Let Him. ” How To Remove Crazy Thoughts About Men
I made a comment recently saying, “No other person is a threat to us unless it’s violence.” Whether it’s your husband’s secretary, the cute guy working behind the reception counter at the gym, a the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, or a co-worker and so on, it seems that many women and men have moderate to high levels of jealousy regarding their spouses/partners.
Here are six examples of thinking patterns that support jealous thoughts and feelings:
- High-risk Thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as they may steal them from me. All others are a risk to my relationship security.
- Fantasy Thinking: My partner will never find anyone more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied by me; therefore, when he/she thinks differently than my fantasy, I am hurt, rejected and threatened.
- Fear/Self-Loathing Thinking: Oh, s/he is better looking than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know s/he’ll leave me for him/her. I hate her/him!
- All Men Thinking: All men lie and cheat, I should expect it. He looked over at her, I know he’ll cheat on me. A man would suck on a cows titty if the cow would let him.
- Backpack Thinking: My ex cheated, so I can’t trust that someone will be faithful. Even if my partner/spouse seems trustworthy, inside I don’t believe it. They’re guilty even if they haven’t stepped out (yet).
- Projection Thinking: Look at the attention they are giving to him/her, I bet he/she wants to sleep with them. I need to question, pry, spy and accuse, because I can’t let my partner know I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them.
Read more jealousy at YourTango.com
When a man calls very last minute to ask you out on a date it’s easy to turn him down. You’ve got plans. You have a life. You’re don’t have time to sit around and wait on him. Fair enough.
But what’s it costing you? If you’re not available or spontaneous to date, you could lose a quality man. It’s a missed opportunity.
Now if you’re thinking, “he should call before” or “I don’t want to seem too available.” I get it. It’s nice to plan ahead. It’s great when he calls in advance.
But there’s something you should know … Men often make last minute plans because that’s how their brains work. Generally, they can only think of one thing at time. So if he’s been working, working, working and finishes, he shifts his thoughts to play and that’s when he thinks about you …
How much fun it would be to see you …
How he’d love to see you laugh …
And that’s when he calls.
And if you’re not available, you risk his asking out someone else. He could see your being unavailable as his not being your priority and move on.
And there’s nothing worse than the thought of the “coulda-been-your-man” in the arms of another woman.
Read more about dating at YourTango.com
I’ve been writing about love and relationships for years, and I’ve put in lots of time studying, observing and learning as much as I could about the practice of finding and sustaining healthy love. And, I’m happy to report that I finally get it! Well, at least in theory. But I’m not so sure I have the practice part down just yet. That realization convinced me to take a break from the dating scene and get my crap together. I really had to face down some pretty mean demons, but alas, I’m ready to jump-start my love life again. But then, the burning question became, where do I start? I considered online dating sites, local bars, and even going on a blind date. Perhaps I could hang out at places where guys frequent, but then I could only think of sports bars and strip clubs. (Sigh.) Before I knew it, I found myself overwhelmed, and I simply gave up my radical contemplations. Then I thought to myself, why is this so hard?
Why can’t I just hire someone who is better at this than me? So, I made the decision to call The Matchmaking DUO and give them a shot at helping me find love. If you’re wondering why I would do something so “desperate,” you should know that it’s because I don’t feel it’s desperate at all. In fact, it’s the most logical relationship decision that I have made for quite some time now. I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly, these are the five factors that helped me get there.
1. I’m super duper busy.
In a nutshell, I’m a full time business owner and a caregiver to my disabled father. On top of 18- hour workdays, throw in being a favorite Auntie, a sassy sister and a helpful homegirl; I think it’s safe to say that my plate(s) are full.
2. I suck at dating.
This one was hard for me to admit, but I can’t even fake the funk anymore. The art of dating for women has a lot to do with playing coy and being good at “the game”. Ain’t nary a coy bone in my body, and they only game I’m good at is Candy Crush! Did I mention that I’m the worst at flirting?! If a guy winks at me, I’m steady passing him some eye drops (don’t laugh, this really happened). I’m actually good in long term situations, but courtship just gives me the blues.
3. I keep choosing the same type of dudes.
I’m not indecisive about the type of man that I want, but I clearly don’t know how to find that type of guy. I have a habit of choosing the tall, charming, smooth talking type that never actually shows up to do the heavy lifting. They are all in when there is fun to be had, but let some poo hit the pavement and they go invisible. I’m like, dang! Did somebody call ghostbusters when I wasn’t looking?
Read more about finding a matchmaker at Essence.com
Maintaining a relationship is one of the things that many people are not very good at. It’s not because relationships are really not meant to last forever, but people are often unaware of what they should — and shouldn’t — do to have a lasting relationship. What’s worse is that we hardly notice our relationship is failing until it’s too late.
Since it’s hard to tell when things aren’t going well from afar, you may as well look at your own actions to know if you’re doing a good job of building a strong relationship or not.
So you can be more aware of where you’re heading, see the various ways you’re actually ruining your relationship below.
1. You’re Taking Your Partner For Granted
One of the best things you can do to rush the end of your relationship is to think that your partner will always be with you to make your life better and easier. You may think it’s not too much or too hard to cook dinner, do some grocery shopping, or clean the house but all these can become burdensome to your partner.
It’s important that you acknowledge and appreciated whatever it is that your partner is doing to make your life together as comfortable as possible. A simple “Thank you” can mean so much to the person who willingly does things for you. You wouldn’t ignore a visitor in your home, so you don’t have any reason at all to treat your special someone worse.
2. You Don’t Have Anything To Say … All The Time.
Looking back, you would see how much you enjoyed talking to each other when you were in the early stages of your relationship. In fact, you may have spent so many hours at night talking on the phone or whenever you had the chance to be alone together. Talking or communicating is an essential aspect of building a strong relationship.
When you notice that you hardly talk to each other already, you may as well expect your relationship to die eventually. Take note also that talking here doesn’t just mean exchanging words. What couples need is to have some real and sincere conversations where they could learn more about each other. It’s true that the fading of honest conversations between couples is a natural process that relationships go through overtime. But still, you need to make a conscious effort to spend time with your partner to talk about the important things in your lives.
Read more about relationships at YourTango.com
There are quite a few theories floating around regarding what prompted Karrueche Tran to kick her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Chris Brown, to the curb. While some rumors imply that the unexpected split was triggered by a secret rehab visit from Chris’ other on-again, off-again lover, Rihanna, there were also whispers that a steamy hookup between Chris and another patient in the rehab facility is what sent Karrueche packing. But now sources close to the situation are saying that the split was far less dramatic.
According to TMZ, during one of her visits to the Malibu rehab facility, Karrueche went through Chris’ phone and discovered a bunch of inappropriate text messages exchanged between Chris and several other women. Insiders says that the fashion stylist was especially hurt by the betrayal because she had done so much to support him through all of the drama that he has been finding himself in lately. As a result, she reportedly decided to cut her losses and move on. As for the girl that Chris reportedly hooked up with while in rehab, sources are still claiming that it did occur, but Karrueche didn’t find out about it until after the breakup.
We definitely can’t blame her for wanting out. From the outside looking in, it appears that she has been extremely loyal to Chris. Unfortunately, it looks like he hasn’t even come close to doing the same.
Dear Dr. Romance
I am in my forties, and hadn’t had sex in years. I met someone and we CLICKED. We had sex on the 2nd date, I know you can’t unring the bell, and I’m betting that was probably a mistake, but there is a serious physical attraction between this man and myself along with the ability to talk and laugh about anything.
My daughter has figured it out of course and is not pleased, we’ve talked about it a little bit, and I’ve explained that there’s a bit of difference between her teenage experience and mine. They haven’t met yet, because I don’t introduce anyone to my daughter until I know they are really going to be a part of my life for along time. What do I do????? A Single Mom in a not so Unique Situation (I think)
Read Dr. Romance’s response at YourTango.com
I am only 33 and infertile. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was a teen and now the doctors say I have poorly functioning fallopian tubes. I always said I would adopt but then I met my husband. He is such a good man and he really is everything to me. He is 40 with no kids and it’s important to him that he has his own “seeds.”
Neither one of us is financially rich but we are truly rich in the love we have with each other. My husband suggested that I ask my best childhood friend to be a surrogate. I was hesitant because she already had two kids but she said yes. She said that she would be happy to help me have my husband’s baby.
Here’s where it gets a little tricky. We both have good jobs working for the city but by the time you add in a mortgage, two cars and saving for a baby there’s not much left for doing the surrogate mother thing. Of course we’ll be paying food and medical expenses and stuff like that for my friend We’re thinking that my man and my best friend could get pregnant the old fashioned way. As far as I know, neither one of them is attracted to each other. My friend is a single mom so it’s all clear on her side.
Would it be the worst thing if my friend and my husband have sex so I can give my man the family he always wanted?
Mommy Wants to Be
Read Abiola’s response at Essence.com
Last week on Twitter, a friend posted the question, “What will you tell your children about love/marriage/sex/passion that wasn’t told to you?”
It didn’t take long for me to start tweeting out my list. I had been pondering that question on and off for a while during the past year or so because of the lessons I was just learning at 27 years old. So many lessons came to me just from being honest with myself about who I am, observing how I behaved in romantic relationships, observing other people’s romantic relationships – both healthy and dysfunctional – and having open conversations about ideals when it comes to love and marriage.
1. Love is beautiful but it’s work
Too often we allow young people to believe that love is an effortless cakewalk. I’ve found this to be very untrue. There will be days when you are aggravated, annoyed, infuriated and displeased by your significant other. There will be days when you are ready to quit. There will be points of adjustment to their quirks and schedule and lifestyle. Love is the overcoming factor in those moments. Love is the choice between going to bed angry and intentionally returning a text or phone call six hours later because you’re mad OR being mature, and having a conversation to hash things out as soon as possible. Love takes work but it grows the beauty of the relationship exponentially. So if you’re not strong and selfless enough to work in love, don’t waste anybody’s time falling in love. Simple.
2. Love takes TIME
Regardless if you’re just meeting someone new or you’re becoming reacquainted with someone – give it time. If they aren’t willing to take their time too, they don’t really want you – they just want a warm body. Time reveals so many things that you will not see if you rush into a relationship with someone because it ‘feels’ good. Pastor Van Moody says, “Too much, too soon, too freely always equals disaster.” Don’t give away valuable pieces of yourself to someone who hasn’t proven worthy of that act of trust. Take the time. Learn who they are in any situation. Walk it out. Don’t run. It’s not a race.
3. It’s not all about you
I think many of us have to re-evaluate why we want to be married. If it’s because it’s what society says we should want or because we want a beautiful ceremony and reception, then we’ve missed the point. Marriage is give and take. Marriage should be building a life with someone who can lift you up to your highest self and vice versa. If you want someone to wait on you, hand and foot, you want a slave, not a mate. Be clear. And if you don’t desire to give as well as receive, marriage is probably not the best option for you.
4. Passion is the match and love/dedication keep the fire going
My generation will throw each other away in a hot second. We test each other out and at the first sign that we might get bored, we walk away to find someone new. Passion fades that way if love isn’t there to keep it going. If there isn’t a love and deep respect for the person (which is built OVER TIME) we’ll base the whole relationship on the instability of passion alone.
5. If you wouldn’t be proud to have a son/daughter JUST EXACTLY like them, why sleep with them?
Pretty self-explanatory, no?
6. What have they done to prove that they are worthy of such a gift?
We don’t teach our children that their bodies are sacred anymore. They don’t see that message. And while I want my children (especially my daughters) to have agency of their own bodies, I do want them to know that THAT kind of intimacy isn’t to be taken lightly. There is nothing casual about our bodies. Life comes from us. That is sacred and not to be trifled with by a no-count boy/man who does not respect, love and value all of who we are.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but I think it’s a great place to start, tweaking it for the appropriate age of course. Especially in this day and age, these kinds of conversations need to happen to cut past the media and societal clutter of what love is supposed to look like. I refuse to allow pop culture to teach my child what love looks like before I do.
La Truly is a writer, college professor and young women’s empowerment enthusiast. She mixes her interest in social and cultural issues with her life experiences to encourage thought, discussion and positive change among young Women of Color. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and check out her site: www.hersoulinc.com.