All Articles Tagged "trust"

Why Mean Girls Finish First When Dating

April 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Hello Beautiful

We all know the cliche, “Nice guys finish last,” but what about us? Nice girls finish after way after nice guys. Think about it. There’s books dedicated to men loving witches with a capital B. When women are apathetic, no-nonsense and could care less about what people think often serves as a challenge for men and we all know that men love challenges.

Nice women who are loyal, supportive and just want honesty and respect in return usually get the short end of the stick. I know because I’ve been all of these things to men and have seen my stick get shorter and shorter.

Somewhere along the way, romantic and genuinely sweet gestures have become annoyances and expected, so they are never truly appreciated. Love cannot be bought or earned. The receiver of the nice treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened or just ungrateful.

A few years ago, I met this adorable guy named Gavin. He was tall, smart, funny, ridiculously sweet and attentive. I thought I’d hit the jackpot. One night, Gavin wanted to hang out, but I explained to him that I was going to be celebrating my friend’s birthday at a local restaurant.

Gain sighed heavily, “And after?”

His desperation was adorable in the first couple of weeks. He loved spending time with me and was never shy to vocalize that. But after the hearts and stars in my eyes began to fade, I became increasingly irritated by his urgency. “After, I don’t know. It’s Lisa’s birthday, so we’ll probably be out,” I rolled my eyes. “I have to go babe. I’ll call you when I’m done.” I hung up, ready to complain to my girlfriends about how thirsty Gavin was becoming.

“I can’t believe you’re complaining about your boyfriend wanting to spend time with you. Why are you even with him?” One of my girlfriends challenged my disdain.

Continue this story about being nice in relationships at HelloBeautiful.com 

On The Road To Happiness: How To Fall In Love With Your Life

April 11th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

You’re walking down the street on a beautiful Spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and a gentle breeze of sweet air is blowing through the trees. Everything is perfect in this moment, and you feel the magic of the Universe come alive.  But then, a thought pops into your head:  This is such an amazing moment, if only I had a boyfriend to share this with me.  And then, suddenly, your mood shifts.  You go from being happy and peaceful, to being sad and anxious.  What happened?

So often we focus our attention on the things we don’t have, rather than noticing and appreciating the things we do have. A lot of this has to do with our American culture, no doubt. Marketing has done a great job of convincing us that we are not really happy right now…that in order to experience *true* happiness, we must have whatever they are selling. Only then will you be truly happy, as if that *thing* is some magical key that unlocks your door of happiness.  They do this with cars, retirement accounts, technology, sex, drugs, and even love. When was the last time you saw an advertisement for a new dating site that promised you unlimited joy and happiness by finding the love of your life on their site?

We’ve become so accustomed to this, that we no longer even need outside marketers to remind us of our current unhappiness and need for something else. We now do it ourselves. Whenever we feel a moment of happiness, we quickly remind ourselves that we can’t possibly be truly happy because we don’t have a boyfriend yet, and the new iPhone just came out and we can’t afford it, and we have no plans for dinner tonight. And if only we had those things right now, *then* we would be truly happy.  But here’s the irony…you can never have it all. Because no matter what you have, there will be always more to get. Our Universe is infinitely abundant; there is always more to expand into and accept into our lives. So when do you have enough to just be happy right now?

Read more about happiness at YourTango.com 

Criticism Kills Your Relationship: How To Stop It Now

April 8th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

A Simple Antidote to Criticism― Love’s Poison — Stop It. Here’s How…

Over the years, many clients have complained about critical partners and how they feel that their every move is under surveillance. Both men and women suffer the strain of life under a microscope and the stress of intense scrutiny by a partner.

If unaddressed, living with a highly critical and/or judgmental person can be one of the most detrimental relationship dynamics. Unhealthy criticism undercuts the basic cornerstones of good relationships: the feelings of safety and approval. Its corrosive effect often makes vitality or spontaneity impossible.

To survive psychically the criticized, judged partner crawls under a shell of self-protection.  Some develop an intensely defensive personality to shield themselves from the harsh lash of the critical partner. Others hide their “authentic selves” as a protective mechanism, letting out only the part stamped “partner approved”. They may feel the need to shrink their personality to avoid criticism which can result in loss of self.

Another tactic is called “distancing” when a partner surrounds him/herself with a safe buffer zone from which he/she responds as if from afar in a polite way. Friends, work, children, exercise, texts, instant messages, ipads, facebook, screen games, television, books and newspapers can serve as buffers. So can withdrawing and becoming emotionally unavailable. The partner preserves him/her “self” by building a wall to keep the critical partner away.

Read more about criticism and love at YourTango.com 

#Facts: How A Man Knows He’s Dating A High Quality Woman

April 4th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

I came across an article over on Thought Catalog titled “13 Ways You Know You’re Dating a High-Quality Woman.” Here are some of my favorites or most cosign-able items from the list, and a few thoughts to go along with them:

4. She has a part of her life that doesn’t involve you. Friends, hobbies, career — whatever. She’s confident and independent enough to not need your involvement in everything she does.

You really don’t need to do everything and be everywhere together. In fact, I don’t even think that’s healthy. Men still like to hang with the fellas, and we’d like to hope that our sig others would still want to see their girls. Besides, what else is there to talk about when you know everything because you’re always there?

5. You wouldn’t think twice about inviting her into different parts of your life: a barbecue with your college friends, a dinner with your parents, a fancy work party — she knows how to handle herself in different settings. She’s mature enough to make a good impression with your colleagues and wise enough to know letting loose with your friends and having fun doesn’t mean she’s immature.

7. When she is in a situation where she doesn’t know people, she introduces herself confidently. She doesn’t cling meekly to your side waiting for you to facilitate every social interaction.

These two go together. A high-quality woman makes our lives easier. If even for a few minutes at a time. It can be difficult when you’re out at an event and trying to network or catch up with people, but you can’t focus on the conversations because you’re worried about her in the corner, or you’re constantly trying to weave her into chats. Don’t get it twisted; it’s polite and we should be proud to introduce her to people. However, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. This is another time where independence comes in handy.

Read more about dating at SingleBlackMale.org 

The 6 Wackiest Break Up Lines We’ve All Heard

April 4th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

We’ve all heard them and, most likely, we’ve all used them: the lame, not-at-all creative, not necessarily believable breakup excuses. They are cliché, catchphrase, and so common they deserve a place in the dictionary…. or the trash can. They may be all these things, but they are also here to stay.

But, that’s not even the most annoying part. The worst thing about lame breakup excuses is that they are rarely honest: if someone is breaking up with you, you want to know why, and you deserve to know why. What you don’t want is someone with an excuse that reads like it’s written on a teleprompter. “I (insert name here) am just not ready for all this…” And Blah, Blah, Blah.

That is, of course, the bad news. The good news is that lame breakup excuses provide us with, at the very least, blog material. We can poke fun at them, and poke fun at them we will. So, I give you some of dating’s dumbest, lamest, and corniest breakup excuses:

“It’s not you, it’s me”
Ah, the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. An oldie, but not a goodie. The lamest thing about this excuse is that it is a bold faced lie. The person who is using it is really saying, “It’s you, I’m awesome.” If it really wasn’t you, they wouldn’t be initiating a breakup to begin with.

“I’m not ready for commitment”
Taken straight from the “How to Waste Someone’s Time Handbook” comes the commitment excuse. Milli Vanilli blamed it on the rain, and the people using this excuse are blaming it on fear of obligation. What do they have in common? They are both full of crap (yet, in the spirit of full disclosure, I must confess that I still have a Milli Vanilli tape…and yes, I listen to it). People who say they are not ready to commit really mean that they are not ready to commit with you. If they weren’t ready to commit with anyone, then why would they be dating in the first place? An exception to this may be the people who insist, from the start, that they aren’t looking for anything serious. They may genuinely run from commitment like Kanye West runs toward a mirror.

Read more about breakups at YourTango.com

“A Man Would Suck On A Cow’s T*tty If The Cow Would Let Him. ” How To Remove Crazy Thoughts About Men

April 3rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

I made a comment recently saying, “No other person is a threat to us unless it’s violence.” Whether it’s your husband’s secretary, the cute guy working behind the reception counter at the gym, a the hot lady dancing near your husband on the dance floor and giving him the eye of interest, or a co-worker and so on, it seems that many women and men have moderate to high levels of jealousy regarding their spouses/partners.

Here are six examples of thinking patterns that support jealous thoughts and feelings:

  1. High-risk Thinking: If my partner finds another attractive, then my relationship is at risk, as they may steal them from me. All others are a risk to my relationship security.
  2. Fantasy Thinking: My partner will never find anyone more attractive than me, I will be his/her end all be all. He/she will never have interest in being with another sexually because they are completely fulfilled, aroused and satisfied by me; therefore, when he/she thinks differently than my fantasy, I am hurt, rejected and threatened.
  3. Fear/Self-Loathing Thinking: Oh, s/he is better looking than I, I am ugly/fat, of course my partner will want another, I know s/he’ll leave me for him/her. I hate her/him!
  4. All Men Thinking: All men lie and cheat, I should expect it. He looked over at her, I know he’ll cheat on me. A man would suck on a cows titty if the cow would let him.
  5. Backpack Thinking: My ex cheated, so I can’t trust that someone will be faithful. Even if my partner/spouse seems trustworthy, inside I don’t believe it. They’re guilty even if they haven’t stepped out (yet).
  6. Projection Thinking: Look at the attention they are giving to him/her, I bet he/she wants to sleep with them. I need to question, pry, spy and accuse, because I can’t let my partner know I’ve had thoughts of cheating on them.

Read more jealousy at YourTango.com 

Should You Go On A Last Minute Date?

April 2nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango

When a man calls very last minute to ask you out on a date it’s easy to turn him down.  You’ve got plans.  You have a life.  You’re don’t have time to sit around and wait on him.  Fair enough.

But what’s it costing you?  If you’re not available or spontaneous to date, you could lose a quality man.  It’s a missed opportunity.

Now if you’re thinking, “he should call before” or  “I don’t want to seem too available.”  I get it.  It’s nice to plan ahead.  It’s great when he calls in advance.

But there’s something you should know … Men often make last minute plans because that’s how their brains work.  Generally, they can only think of one thing at time.  So if he’s been working, working, working and finishes, he shifts his thoughts to play and that’s when he thinks about you …

How much fun it would be to see you …

How he’d love to see you laugh …

And that’s when he calls.

And if you’re not available, you risk his asking out someone else.  He could see your being unavailable as his not being your priority and move on.

And there’s nothing worse than the thought of the “coulda-been-your-man” in the arms of another woman.

Read more about dating at YourTango.com 

“I Suck At Dating!” The Real Reason Why I Hired A Professional Matchmaker

March 28th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Essence 

I’ve been writing about love and relationships for years, and I’ve put in lots of time studying, observing and learning as much as I could about the practice of finding and sustaining healthy love. And, I’m happy to report that I finally get it! Well, at least in theory. But I’m not so sure I have the practice part down just yet. That realization convinced me to take a break from the dating scene and get my crap together. I really had to face down some pretty mean demons, but alas, I’m ready to jump-start my love life again. But then, the burning question became, where do I start? I considered online dating sites, local bars, and even going on a blind date. Perhaps I could hang out at places where guys frequent, but then I could only think of sports bars and strip clubs. (Sigh.) Before I knew it, I found myself overwhelmed, and I simply gave up my radical contemplations. Then I thought to myself, why is this so hard?

Why can’t I just hire someone who is better at this than me? So, I made the decision to call The Matchmaking DUO and give them a shot at helping me find love. If you’re wondering why I would do something so “desperate,” you should know that it’s because I don’t feel it’s desperate at all. In fact, it’s the most logical relationship decision that I have made for quite some time now. I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly, these are the five factors that helped me get there.

1.  I’m super duper busy.
In a nutshell, I’m a full time business owner and a caregiver to my disabled father. On top of 18- hour workdays, throw in being a favorite Auntie, a sassy sister and a helpful homegirl; I think it’s safe to say that my plate(s) are full.

2.  I suck at dating.
This one was hard for me to admit, but I can’t even fake the funk anymore. The art of dating for women has a lot to do with playing coy and being good at “the game”.  Ain’t nary a coy bone in my body, and they only game I’m good at is Candy Crush! Did I mention that I’m the worst at flirting?! If a guy winks at me, I’m steady passing him some eye drops (don’t laugh, this really happened).  I’m actually good in long term situations, but courtship just gives me the blues.

3.  I keep choosing the same type of dudes.
I’m not indecisive about the type of man that I want, but I clearly don’t know how to find that type of guy. I have a habit of choosing the tall, charming, smooth talking type that never actually shows up to do the heavy lifting. They are all in when there is fun to be had, but let some poo hit the pavement and they go invisible. I’m like, dang! Did somebody call ghostbusters when I wasn’t looking?

Read more about finding a matchmaker at Essence.com 

“Where Is This Going?” 4 Signs Your Relationship Is Ending

March 20th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango 

Maintaining a relationship is one of the things that many people are not very good at. It’s not because relationships are really not meant to last forever, but people are often unaware of what they should — and shouldn’t — do to have a lasting relationship. What’s worse is that we hardly notice our relationship is failing until it’s too late.

Since it’s hard to tell when things aren’t going well from afar, you may as well look at your own actions to know if you’re doing a good job of building a strong relationship or not.

So you can be more aware of where you’re heading, see the various ways you’re actually ruining your relationship below.

1. You’re Taking Your Partner For Granted
One of the best things you can do to rush the end of your relationship is to think that your partner will always be with you to make your life better and easier. You may think it’s not too much or too hard to cook dinner, do some grocery shopping, or clean the house but all these can become burdensome to your partner.

It’s important that you acknowledge and appreciated whatever it is that your partner is doing to make your life together as comfortable as possible. A simple “Thank you” can mean so much to the person who willingly does things for you. You wouldn’t ignore a visitor in your home, so you don’t have any reason at all to treat your special someone worse.

2. You Don’t Have Anything To Say … All The Time.
Looking back, you would see how much you enjoyed talking to each other when you were in the early stages of your relationship. In fact, you may have spent so many hours at night talking on the phone or whenever you had the chance to be alone together. Talking or communicating is an essential aspect of building a strong relationship.

When you notice that you hardly talk to each other already, you may as well expect your relationship to die eventually. Take note also that talking here doesn’t just mean exchanging words. What couples need is to have some real and sincere conversations where they could learn more about each other. It’s true that the fading of honest conversations between couples is a natural process that relationships go through overtime. But still, you need to make a conscious effort to spend time with your partner to talk about the important things in your lives.

Read more about relationships at YourTango.com 

Maybe It Wasn’t Rih Rih: Karrueche-Chris Brown Split Reportedly Triggered By Texts From Other Women

March 20th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Source: Instagram

There are quite a few theories floating around regarding what prompted Karrueche Tran to kick her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Chris Brown, to the curb. While some rumors imply that the unexpected split was triggered by a secret rehab visit from Chris’ other on-again, off-again lover, Rihanna, there were also whispers that a steamy hookup between Chris and another patient in the rehab facility is what sent Karrueche packing. But now sources close to the situation are saying that the split was far less dramatic.

According to TMZ, during one of her visits to the Malibu rehab facility, Karrueche went through Chris’ phone and discovered a bunch of inappropriate text messages exchanged between Chris and several other women.  Insiders says that the fashion stylist was especially hurt by the betrayal because she had done so much to support him through all of the drama that he has been finding himself in lately. As a result, she reportedly decided to cut her losses and move on. As for the girl that Chris reportedly hooked up with while in rehab, sources are still claiming that it did occur, but Karrueche didn’t find out about it until after the breakup.

We definitely can’t blame her for wanting out. From the outside looking in, it appears that she has been extremely loyal to Chris. Unfortunately, it looks like he hasn’t even come close to doing the same.