All Articles Tagged "soul mate"
Question of the day:
I say: No, you don’t.
Keep dating him. Marry him even. Be with him until you don’t want to be with him anymore. Of course, the “him” here is, hopefully, not an abuser or a rapist or a psychopath. Hopefully he has never put you in a chokehold for any reason other than mutually consensual bedroom shenanigans.
I know you’re thinking, “But if I stay with the wrong guy how will the right guy find me?” And maybe you have a point. But who says the right guy will find you when you break up with the wrong guy? And if the wrong guy isn’t that wrong, and if you’re enjoying his company and you like having him around, carry on.
What’s the right way to be with the wrong guy? I’m not preaching dating multiple men. I’m not preaching telling your guy that you want to settle down with him right away. I’m preaching being boyfriend and girlfriend the way we were boyfriend and girlfriend in high school. Before things got complicated.
Remember your high school boo? You two were so in love. You wanted to spend the rest of your lives together. You talked about how your kids would look and how many bedrooms there’d be in your house. But in the back of your mind you knew that none of it would happen. Still, you didn’t deprive yourself the fun of make-believe. It’s fun to fantasize and dream about your alternative futures. We tell kids “You can be anything” and while I disagree with pushing this suggestion to some degree, it is also true to some degree.
No one shames us when we play with our work lives, when we try out a new career or take a professional leap of some kind. But when it comes to our love lives, we’re shamed when we’re in relationships that aren’t realistic and people ask us why we would want to be with someone if we can’t see a future with them.
My answer to that: How far off a future are we talking? And what’s so wrong with seeing a six-months-from-now future with someone, though you wouldn’t dare forecast the relationship’s outcome beyond that?
I’ve been dating someone for six months. I love him. I’m in love with him. He completely does it for me. But I know for sure that I will not marry. Can I see an immediate future? Yes. But a ten-years-from-now future? Probably not. Maybe a two-years-from-now future.
I believe in soul mates. I even believe that I met my soul mate. There is a man whom I dated who is everything I’ve ever wanted in a husband and whose babies I would have happily birthed. It didn’t work out. And while I have since met and fell in love with my current boyfriend, I know for sure that he is not my soul mate.
So, how do I stay with someone who is not The One? It’s easy. I am insanely happy. And I believe in happiness with one’s present that can coexist with a desire for one’s future. This is not lying to yourself. This is not cowardly. This is…human.
You and I are humans. And life for us humans is complicated and imperfect and mysterious.
I know other women will tell you that the brave thing to do when you know someone isn’t the one is to break up and go solo. But as someone who has done both–I have also decidedly and quickly called a relationship quits at the first sight of “Oh, he’s not the one”–I can say that nothing summons one’s courage more than daring to want what you want right now. Even if it’s not what you may always want.
So what do you do when things with someone are great but you know it’s not forever? You do nothing. You go to sleep happy and wake up tomorrow happy. You do nothing. Until you decide not to.
“There’s someone out there for everyone” as the old saying goes. But you’ve been searching for years and you just can’t seem to find that special somebody. Failed relationship after failed relationship has left you hopeless and wondering if there really is a unique individual out there created especially for you. If there is, it surely seems that you will never find him.
But then you meet someone.
And your connection is magical. Everything is on point–from your physical attraction and conversation to your interests, beliefs and sense of humor. Almost instantly, you feel that you’ve finally found your soul mate. No questions about it, this is the one. Only problem is, your dream guy has a woman, and things are preeeety serious.
Hence a very messy situation that two of my friends recently found themselves in. Just 27, Kelis has only had three serious relationships in her life, and they all were filled with misery, manipulation and heartache. During her last situation, she was dealing with a Stevie J type dude. You know, the kind who has a serious problem with keeping it in his pants; the womanizer, the compulsive liar, the bruised little boy trapped in a grown man’s body—you get my drift.
Despite advice from family and friends (including myself) to leave Gavin alone, she stayed with little ol’ “Steebie” for over three years. One day, I introduced Kelis to one of my male acquaintances (who I’ll refer to as “Lamar”) because I knew he was a good guy and I thought their personalities would click. Lamar was all into her and Kelis liked him too, but she was so bent on getting Gavin to change that she completely dismissed the possibility of building something with anybody else. That was two years ago.
Last year, Kelis finally took off the blinders and gave Gavin the boot. She and Lamar had remained friends, but when she finally let go of Mr. Wrong, she started to really see just how compatible she and Lamar are. So they started to spend more time together and next thing I know, they’re both telling me that they’re in love. (Hold up, what?!) This would all be fine and dandy if Lamar didn’t have a girlfriend who he’s been with for over a year and a half now. He spent months waiting on Kelis until he finally met a nice girl. What makes things worse is I actually know his gf and I’m pretty cool with her. (Puts me in a really tough spot, but that’s a different story.)
I asked Kelis why she overstepped those boundaries knowing that Lamar had a woman, and she told me that she just couldn’t help it. She knows Lamar is her soul mate. When I talked to Lamar about it, he told me the same thing. But he doesn’t want to hurt his girlfriend, so he made the decision to stay away from Kelis. (Or at least try to.) Now, knowing the full situation and Kelis’ history of picking bad men, I’m truly empathetic. She is truly a queen and I know she just wants to be loved the right way, which is what she deserves. I’ve always felt like Lamar was the guy who could do that for her, that’s why I introduced them in the first place. However, I personally feel like she needs to chuck this one up as a loss. At least for now.
She decided to invest her time in the wrong man while Lamar was single and free, right under her nose practically begging for her to give him a chance. But she was so in love with Gavin and wanted to make things work. Now Lamar has a really good woman and I know she’s been great to him. She doesn’t deserve what Lamar and Kelis are doing behind her back, and she does not deserve to get hurt. Other people who know about the situation are telling Kelis, “He’s not married, go get your man, girl!” But regardless of whether Lamar is married or not, I still don’t think that it’s right. I told the two of them that they need to fall back from each other and if it’s really meant for them to be together, let it happen the right way. But not like this.
Easier said than done.
What would you do if you found your soul mate but they were in a serious relationship with someone else?
I was 17 and Fred was 24 when we first met. Fred and I belonged to the same Synagogue. We were both involved in local musical theatre productions, but had never crossed paths. Instead of randomly meeting at High Holy Day services like many Jewish men and women might, we were divinely united to sing “You Gotta Have Heart” for a temple fundraiser variety show.
Fred had red hair with accompanying adorable freckles. He had a sparkle in his smile, eyes that beamed with each playful thought, and a uniquely infectious laugh that made me melt from the inside out. For many weeks we rehearsed and kibitzed getting to know each other while sharing our love for creating and performing. We harmonized so beautifully that it didn’t take long before we had a ‘heart on’ for each other and he asked me out. As love stories go, ours would be right up there with the best them — I just didn’t know it at the time.
Fred and I were two peas in a musical theatre pod, sharing not only our love for theatre, but for stand-up comedy, food (from knishes to Thai to his incredible lemon chicken), movies, music, witty conversation — and ultimately for each other. Our age difference was not an issue … until it was. They say timing is everything, and it seemed our time had to come to an end when the college bell rang from 400 miles away, and I needed to explore that stage of my life without him.
A couple years went by, and while I had my share of experiences away at college, I was very homesick for Fred. Somehow we found ourselves talking on the phone again, eventually every night, usually late at night as he was working a graveyard shift for a computer company at the time.
His voice and his wonderful laugh were so comforting. He gave me a sense of calm and a feeling that everything was right with the world. He missed me as well, so we decided to try a long-distance relationship. Not surprisingly, even as strong as our feelings were for each other, it didn’t work. Contrary to the long -running commercial, long distance is not the next best thing to being there.
Read more love and marriage at YourTango.com
At 19, my grandmother gave birth to her first child. Just before her 22nd birthday, she welcomed a second, my mom. Though both children were by the same man, my grandmother, Elizabeth, was forced into single-motherhood and found herself struggling to provide a decent life for her two kids. She suffered from a deep pain after dealing with the lies, cheating and disrespect from my grandfather, who at the time was an immature boy filled with lust and weakness for women. Not too long after she moved on from him, she found herself in an abusive relationship with a two-timing man who battled alcoholism.
Years after putting up with his abuse and experiencing several other not-so-good relationships, she finally found happiness when she married my step-grandfather Poppa Joe. My grandmother was 34-years-old. But after over 25 years of marriage, they parted ways when Poppa Joe decided that he wanted to live his life with another woman. And once again, my grandmother was left wallowing in pain. She’s had nights when she cried herself to sleep and moments when she felt ashamed. For a long, long time after her divorce, my grandmother truly suffered. I could see the disappointment and anguish whenever I looked into her eyes, and for a while, she lived with no one to call her own. That is until she met Sam.
It took 10 years, but my beautiful grandmother is finally getting the love that she deserves. She wasn’t looking for anyone, but God sent her a man who truly makes her happy. They met this past September. My grandmother was visiting her sister’s house just across the road when one of her brother-in-law’s friends stopped by accompanied by Sam, one of his good buddies. Sam was obviously attracted to my grandmother because he sparked up a flirty conversation and offered to walk her home at the end of the night.
The next day, Sam came back, looking for the pretty little lady he’d met that Sunday evening. He ended up getting her number and it’s been fireworks ever since. They just clicked. Since they’ve been dating, he comes over and she cooks for him. They spend time watching movies together, having intimate conversations, and holding one another at night. He calls her before he goes to work, on his way home from work, and random times in the day just to tell her he loves her. Sam opens doors, gives my grandmother compliments on her appearance whenever he sees her and isn’t afraid to let any and everyone know that he’s in love with his lady.
After years of not being lucky in love, and dealing with more heartache and pain than one woman should ever have to handle, my grandmother is the happiest I’ve ever seen her in my life. Every time I talk to her on the phone, the conversation always ends up on Sam, and I can feel her radiating through the receiver. Sam treats her like a queen, and for the first time in her life, she’s with a man who makes her feel like the luckiest lady on the planet. It has been a long time coming and a nice change for her after years of dealing with liars, manipulators and a wealth of disrespect. As a truly good and loving woman, I always wanted my grandmother to receive the same type of love and appreciation she gives out to others. It’s pretty amazing, but yes, my 70-year-old grandmother finally found her soul mate. She’s in love, and for everyone who knows her and the hell she’s been through in her lifetime, we all know that she deserves it. So while you might think love will never find you after a series of up and down relationships and time put into them, after watching what my grandmother has been through and the love she has found, it’s clear that only God really knows what is in store for you. It’s never too late to find the love that you deserve.
Last month, I wrote about Why Men Settle. As part of that discussion, a number of women wondered why a man would ever settle in love when it seems like they have far more choices than women do. I understand how that might seem confusing, but I’m also unsure this popular sentiment is even true. For one, I’m on the fence about if dating is really easier for men. Taking it a step further, is finding a wife/love/soul mate any easier for men than it is for women? I don’t think so. Let’s break down the various assumptions about dating for men.
There are not enough good black men: True and false.
The popular headline is that there are less viable black men for viable black women. There are generally a few errors when this much re-hashed story breaks. First, it assumes a ‘viable black male’ can be quantified using objective measurements, usually schooling and income. For example, they report that more black men are in jail than in college. This is a blatant lie, which you can read more about from this unlikely source here, so I won’t bother dissecting it. They go on to report that we have a high number of high school drop outs, which is true, but they don’t account for the fact that high school drop outs and jail rates are both interrelated and often reflective of the same population. As an extension of this point, the same can be said for college graduation rates – as black women do outnumber black men in enrollment and graduations, but only 30% of Americans have a college degree and miraculously, people still get married every day of the week. Income is by far the fairest measurement; however, simple arithmetic dictates that the higher your income requirement for a prospective mate – and you are free to have one – the less people will meet it.
Potential mate populations aside, I’m willing to admit that the way people traditionally date – with the expectation that men approach women – might make it easier for a man to initially meet a woman. The real question is how much impact does one to one ratios matter if women don’t proactively choose from available men anyway?
The dating odds are in men’s favor: False.
For this to be true, we have to assume that men 1) like approaching women and 2) are good at it when they do. I’m fairly certain the claims about huge numbers of men that like approaching strange women and risk getting turned down every time they do is greatly exaggerated. However, for the sake of today’s argument, we can assume men like approaching strange women and vying for their attention.
Regardless if this is true or false, the difference for men and women is that if there is a certain type of men women want to approach them, women can at least go to an establishment where those types of men are more likely to reside and place herself in the “line of fire.” On the other hand, if a man isn’t good at approaching women, there is no way to overcome it (unless he’s a baller?). A man who doesn’t have “game” will be equally unsuccessful in a room full of attractive women as he will be in a room full of unattractive women. Independent of the environment he is in, it is the embodiment of the woman that he will always struggle to approach. Even if the availability of women is in his favor, it doesn’t improve his success rates in the slightest.
To be fair, let’s assume the man we’re discussing is decent at approaching women, has money, is educated, and hasn’t been to jail. Are we still assigning blame to the wrong part of the dating problem?
We’ve all heard it at some point on our search for love: “Love shows up when you least expect it.” So, this means we should stop looking for love in order to find it. What if we applied this advice to other goals we have in our lives and the world?
Your ideal job will show up when you least expect it. You’ll lose 20lbs when you least expect it. The dishwasher will repair itself when you least expect it. Our marital problems will resolve themselves when we least expect it. World peace will arrive when we least expect it. This philosophy begins to seem a little ridiculous, doesn’t it? Is It Possible To Overcome Betrayal? EXPERT
And yet, we’re all sold this ridiculous myth from a very young age that one day we’ll bump into the love of our life and magically we’ll know how to make it last. How’s that working for you?
To get you out of the rut and get moving towards the love you desire, visit YourTango.com.
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