All Articles Tagged "self sabotage"

Are You Holding Yourself Back? Why I’m Tired Of Talking Myself Out Of Opportunities

July 7th, 2016 - By Nneka Samuel
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Image: Shutterstock

Image: Shutterstock

Considering how long we’ve been acquainted, I have to give it a name. It being the disturbingly calm voice I’ve come to obey situation after situation, year after year, despite its penchant for yielding disappointment and pain in the life of yours truly. The voice is a white light of unreason; a predatory nuisance disguised under I have your best interest at heart rhetoric. From my own mind and of my own creation, this voice has talked me out of more opportunities than I care to acknowledge. That’s why I have to give it a name, so I can call it out for the bully that it is and give it the dancing on your grave funeral it has long deserved.

I don’t write them all down or file them away in my own personal missed connections or missed opportunities memory bank. The empty feeling generated from that void is enough. I’ll talk myself out of attending an event that’s right up my alley simply because a friend can’t make it. “That’s all right. I didn’t really want to go,” I’ll tell myself. I’ll ignore the butterflies I get in my stomach when I encounter a man who genuinely strikes my interest. “I’m going to talk to him. For once, I’ll approach a man for a change,” I think, but I always end up talking myself out of it. “He won’t be interested anyway. He probably has a girlfriend. Yep, look at him. No way a man that good looking is single. No. Way.”

To keep myself from ending up in an uncomfortable situation, something I do more often than not is hold my tongue. I’ll refrain from saying what’s really on my mind in an attempt to avoid what I feel might be confrontation – something I loathe. Or I’ll keep my mouth shut in order to spare someone’s feelings. I’ll tell myself reason after reason why I shouldn’t speak my mind and before you know it, I’ve added fuel to the things unsaid file, which, can one day implode on me in the worst way.

I’ve talked myself out of meeting people I truly admire. Recently, I had the chance to meet one of my favorite musical artists one on one, someone whose career I’ve followed and supported from the jump, but I chickened out. I told myself that I would one day have another chance and connect with this person under better or more ideal circumstances, knowing full well that that may never happen. I’m beyond awful when it comes to networking and do the same thing when in the presence of everyday people.

Decisions initially met with optimism are quickly deterred by this amazing ability I have to shut ish down before it’s even begun. It’s like having a 2-year-old who’s hell-bent on saying “no” to everything, minus the ‘tude and the tantrums. To put it simply, I’ve trained myself to anticipate “no” as an answer – to protect myself from the pain of rejection, to avoid embarrassment and the sting of discomfort, etc. – and end up saying the word to myself instead. And guess what? I’m tired of doing that.

I should be growing and making necessary changes so that I can live my best life. I’ve lost friends and missed out on making new ones. I’ve lost and missed out on jobs and opportunities that could have advanced my career. Living like this – obeying a voice that has and will continue to do more harm than good if I let it, has discouraged me from being spontaneous. Not to mention, it zaps a lot of the fun that should come with living and breathing and doing and being. And that’s no way for me to live. Not anymore. I refuse to.

Don’t F*%k It Up! Ways You’re Sabotaging Yourself

July 6th, 2015 - By Kendra Koger
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Sabotaging Yourself

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As humans we have the innate desire to progress and grow.  However, we can sometimes be our own worst enemies.  Growth can be painful, and sometimes we might unconsciously perform treason on ourselves.   Here are ways that you might be sabotaging yourself:

11 Ways People Screw Up New Relationships

June 1st, 2014 - By Raven Carter
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sabotage new relationships


From YourTango

Are you causing people to run?  11 common mistakes people make when dating someone new.

I completely understand the temptation to get really excited when you finally meet someone you like.  Just make sure that you aren’t doing things that send people running for the hills without realizing it.

Here are eleven common ways people screw up when they start dating someone new:

1. Oversharing

Texting all the time? Do you tell them the mundane details of your day down to your grocery shopping? Calm down grasshopper. There is plenty of time for monotony later. Right now, cultivate a little mystery and let the other person miss you. Focus on only sharing important and pertinent details in the beginning. Not what shoes you are wearing or what you ate for lunch.

2. Super Sleuthing

It’s date two. You’ve already found their Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, mug shot from college, where they work, their exes and their exes’ Facebook pages and discussed all of this with your trusty best friend. You have seen pictures of their dog and last year’s Halloween costume.

Not having enough real life details about this new person but already knowing their whole cyber-history sets up a really strange dynamic where you already know a ton about them that they haven’t actually shared with you. You seem like a stalker when you’re all, “yeah I read all about your job at Target in college.” Don’t make them feel like you’ve made a hair doll from their hair brush and are following them around. It’s creepy.

3. Starting “The Relationship Rollout” Too Soon

Have you told your best friend, mailman, Facebook friends and Mom all about meeting someone new who is just aaaaamaaaazzing? Shhh… while you might be containing your excitement well around your new flame, they can sense that you’re way over-eager. The same goes for the next point.

Visit YourTango to read other ways you may be sabotaging yourself in love.

Girl Stop! Ways You’re Ruining Your Relationship And You Don’t Even Know It

January 29th, 2014 - By Ashley Page
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ruining your relationship


Once the excitement and anxiety of a newly formed relationship has died down, you’re left figuring out how to keep things stable and happy for the two of you. However, as silly as it sounds, when a lot of women are in a stable relationship, they tend to do and say things that end up boiling down self-sabotage. Little by little, without even knowing it, you may be chipping away at the foundation of the bond between you and your man. Here are 14 ways you are ruining your own relationship.

A Black Girl’s Guide To Weight Loss: No More Sabotaging Yourself!

May 23rd, 2013 - By Erika Nicole Kendall
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

The day I realized that I was sabotaging myself… I cried.

No, wait – let me rewind.

I had actually already begun successfully losing weight at this point. I had hit my stride! I was happy! I was excited! I was eating clean, working hard, learning so much about myself, and having fun. It felt easy, effortless, and I was enthusiastic about the progress and my new body.

But all of a sudden, it came to a grinding halt. It was no longer about losing weight, nor was it about living healthier. It, honestly, wasn’t about anything. And none of that mattered, because I’d go months without losing a single pound.

Make no mistake about it, there are logical, realistic reasons why you would reach a plateau in your weight loss journey. However, if you’re honest with yourself, you might uncover an additional reason: self-sabotage.

Sabotaging yourself is what it looks like when, instead of eating what you know you should and sticking to your schedule, you go off-script for no apparent reason. Was that donut in the plan? Was that extra sleeve of thin mints in the plan?

Self-sabotage is what is happening when you’re trying to convince yourself that what you want right now is more important, more valuable and more meaningful than your long-term goal of healthier living. And while, no, an occasional treat isn’t terrible, we have to accept the fact that developing the ability to say “no” is, in fact, a habit that we must learn. We undermine our ability to develop a “no” every time we say “yes” to something detrimental to our goals, something that perpetuates an emotional eating habit, or something that gives us instant gratification. Instead of developing the will to say “no,” we develop a reason to continue saying “yes.”

Sabotage is also what it looks like when, even once we realize we shouldn’t be doing something and we continue doing it anyway. I had to realize that I’m still contributing to my ability to develop my “no” even when I stop eating something after I’ve taken my first bite.

I’m not saying that life doesn’t happen. Of course it does. However, again – if you’re honest with yourself, more often than not, it’s an act of sabotage.

I had to keep it real. I began sabotaging myself because I’d become afraid. What would life be like when I became even smaller? It was intimidating, shrinking down to a size I’d not been since my adolescent years. What would my body look like? Would I have to spend the rest of my life unhappy, nibbling on rabbit food to maintain it? Not gonna lie… once I started thinking about this stuff, the self-sabotage started rolling in. (This might very well be where the phrase “Don’t think – just do it!” comes from.)

A successful weight loss journey requires a major amount of self-reflection. You have to truly look at yourself and how you’re living in order to realize just how your habits contribute to your current state. The moment I realized that I’d been self-sabotaging, I needed to accept that I needed to do some thinking. I needed to admit my fears, address them, and get past them so that I could successfully continue on in my journey – that’s what brought me to tears. It’s not easy, but nothing worth having ever comes that way. Do the hard emotional work, embrace your fears, and the sabotaging will come to a slow halt.

Like I always say, your body will thank you for it!

Erika Nicole Kendall is the writer behind the award winning blog, A Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss, where she blogs her journey of losing over 150lbs. A trainer certified in women’s fitness, fitness nutrition and weight loss coaching, she can be found on Facebook and Twitter.


You’re Walking A Fine Line Sweetie: How To Avoid Sabotaging Your Own Relationship

January 31st, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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Even in the best of relationships, you may find that your inner mean girl comes out to play; you know the one who’s full of doubt, jealousy, and negativity. But, this inner girl can easily sabotage your relationship and before you know it, the whole thing can be done and over with. If you fear that you may self-sabotage your relationship, here are 15 ways to avoid doing just that.



Let your inner fears out

We all have fears, even when we are in stable and healthy relationships. As women, we have certain feelings that we often suppress, but eventually they come to the surface. Instead of avoiding these fears, voice them, write them down, or talk about them with your man. Are you afraid of having your heart broken? Do you think you aren’t lovable enough? Let it out; you’ll feel better.