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A relationship is a connection, an association or involvement between people who can have a negative or positive effect on people. While in a relationship, people expect to have good times, great times, bad and difficult times; but how often do we expect a relationship to end? Relationships generally end in one of five ways; a mutual decision to part ways on good terms, the decision of one person which can be because of something good or bad; the relationship can simply fade away; both parties can decide to have a platonic relationship, or sadly it can end in death. However, when a relationship has ended between two people, is it really over?

I ask this question because many times when a relationship is said to be over by one or both parties involved, there is still some sort of attachment to the other person, or some sort of physical interaction. For instance, two people can decide to end their monogamous relationship, but continue to have sex with each other. Or, a woman can leave a relationship with a man physically, but she is still attached to him emotionally or financially. Why does this occur? Why is it so difficult to let go of someone when a relationship has ended? The answer is simple.

It’s difficult to let someone go, or completely faze them out of your system because you were once connected to this person in some shape, form or fashion for a season or a series in your life and that person has helped you become the person you are. Whether the relationship was good or bad, the person you were involved with taught you a valuable lesson, and you will always remember what they did, what they did not do, how they made you feel emotionally, how good the intimacy was between the two of you, how they provided for you financially, so on and so forth. And no matter why or how the relationship ended, this person has become an indirect part of who you are, and you have become an indirect part of them.

Other reasons relationships aren’t really over is because of the memories that were created. It is difficult to get over someone because of feelings that have developed, and people don’t want to let go of the relationship. Relationships are generally built and based on feelings of physical attraction, mental stimulation, sexual stimulation, etc. It is difficult to break the ties of those feelings that have been developed. This happens more often than not because people don’t want to start over in love, they are still vulnerable to the connection they they developed and simply want to hold on to the relationship no matter what.

I recall a relationship I was involved in several years ago with a young man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He had everything I wanted in a man at that time in my life, and I just knew we would have an amazing life together. Unfortunately, things did not go as I thought they would, and my mate and I parted ways relationship wise, but we still remained friends.

As we transitioned from our dating relationship to being friends I thought to myself, I can handle this, and I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all, and as time went by it became easier for me to be his friend, but in the same breath it was difficult for me to do so  because we had a great relationship and I wanted to continue with him as my mate. As the years went by, I realized that this relationship wasn’t over for me because I didn’t want to let him go for my own selfish reasons. I wanted him to be mine and mine alone because of the connection we had, the way he made me feel and because I thought we would have this story book life that would end happily ever after. It was hard for me to relinquish the feelings I had for him in regard to being his mate, but as it turns out, we were better off being friends, and we are still friends to this day.

Do I think about our relationship when we see each other? Yes I do. Does my heart sink in slightly at the thought of us not being together? Periodically. Have I completely moved on from wanting to be in a relationship with him? Yes I have. Is he completely out of my system? No, he’s not and that is because he is a part of who I am, I am a part of him and I learned a number of valuable lessons from him that I will always keep with me. So needless to say, when certain aspects of relationships end, it begins a new relationship with the person be it physical or not. Am I saying hold on to someone? No I’m not, but I am saying embrace the memories created, learn lessons from each relationship and apply the knowledge learned because the person came into your life for a season, but they remain in your heart and on your mind for a reason.

When a relationship has ended, is it really over for you? What things have kept you from moving forward?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

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I am truly surprised by the number of men who are interested in engaging women romantically without actually going through the bother of dating them.  This confuses me.  To whom may I speak to determine when exactly this became appropriate?  I’m not sure how or why men have been able to slide right past the dating/courtship phase into express boo status, but it behooves me to inform all who care to listen that you certainly cannot date me without first dating me.  That’s right, there will be no exclusivity, giving of titles, nor partaking in any activities that lovers do without real tangible dates.  No.  Exceptions.

Let me provide some context.  While I absolutely adore my chick clique, I really enjoy forging friendships with men.  I like to keep a tight circle of both male and female companions with whom I can both enjoy life and commiserate over its disappointments.  Unlike most men, not every relationship I start with the opposite sex begins with the notion that I am attracted to a man and want to “see what’s up.”  The vast majority of the time, I’m simply thinking he seems cool, I’d like to hang out, might be fun—very similarly to when I meet a woman who seems interesting.  I will say though that there are times when friendship is absolutely what I’m pursuing but I’m also slightly open to the possibility of something romantic.

When the latter is true, and I haven’t quite decided whether I’m more interested in a platonic or romantic endeavor, what a guy says and does is essential.  Listen, if we agree to meet for coffee and a guy doesn’t attempt to pay, if he doesn’t call or text in a manner that leaves no doubt that he wants me to consider him an option, and if he doesn’t actually make plans to see me or find ways to be in my presence, I assume he wants to be a friend…not a romantic interest.  There is therefore no more thought on my part about whether he might be an interesting romantic option; I follow his lead and place him in the friend zone.

Just like there are things that a woman can do that men often interpret as indicators that she is not giving them a green light and that she instead wants to make them her new BFF, there are things that a man can do that communicate the same thing to women.

Can we all agree that there are just things that men do when they are truly interested in women?  When a man wants a woman, he doesn’t want to do the things that friends do; he makes it crystal clear that he wants to be her man.  When a woman manages to disrupt the cool of a man and capture his attention, he wants to SEE hear; he wants to HEAR her voice; he wants to IMPRESS her and he will gladly spend both his time and money.  If a man sends random text messages but doesn’t call, if he doesn’t make plans, if he lets a woman pay their first time out, she should assume that he wants to be friends—because that’s not what men who don’t want to be friends do, in my experience at least.

Men, realize that if you are interested in a woman at any level and are doing any of the above, you are sending out friend vibes.  If you don’t want to be friends, stop this now.  And women, if there is a man that you are interested in who is doing any of the above, friend zone him immediately!

There’s this come over and chill pandemic that is sweeping the nation.  Somehow men are finding a way to finagle this scenario into faux romances, and sometimes full-blown relationships…and women are letting them.  This must stop.  I’ll come over and chill with you, no doubt.  Sometimes I just want to lay back and watch the game, but if you are just getting to know me and all you want to do is chill…you’re the homie, not an option.  If you’ve been doing all the things that pals do and none of the things that men who want to be set apart from the masses do, your actions cement you in the “friend” zone and keep you from advancing to “put me in, coach” territory.

I have literally shaken my head at my “friends,” who after doing nothing but friendly things start to look at me romantically, increase the length of their hugs, want to cuddle when we’re chilling, inquire about the men I’m dating, and send me late night messages about how I should “swing through.”  Nah son.  I don’t do those things with my friends and in order to be more than my friend, you’ve got to properly date me.

You can’t just fall into relationship.  It’s been my experience that women fare much better in relationships when the man of the relationship is slightly more into the woman than she is into him.  And, men seem to be all around more excited about women that they had to actually expend effort to win over.  It’s just wise for women to require men to actually take the time to date them before settling into relationship.  Sheez, in the words of Kanye “make it more harder, make [him] put some work in.”

This moving folks from the friend lane directly to HOV boo express lanes without properly traversing those lanes of traffic that separate the two is bound to cause accidents.  I cannot support.

What say you?  Where do you stand on the issue?

Sheena Bryant is a writer and blogger in Chicago.  Follow her on twitter at @song_of_herself.

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If you are a single woman, you may have this problem: A favorite male friend that has become a substitute boyfriend. He’s the charming fellow who shows up at the right time, says the right thing and is always seemingly available when you want to hang out. Besides that, he’s straight. Single. And, most importantly, not trying to holler. If he was, you would look at him sideways for violating your friendship. That said, it won’t stop you from treating the homey, like the boo and showing him a little extra love. Click through the following pages and decide: Is he your friend or a substitute boyfriend.