All Articles Tagged "me time"
When I’m working with my clients, I notice so many women rushing from one relationship to the next without realizing the power in being single in-between. The evaluation and subsequent life-changing personal growth that can occur during this time can ensure the next relationship is better than the last. Instead, many women commiserate with girlfriends about how they were unappreciated, or how they’re heartbroken over the end of something they thought was forever. What happens with this common response to a breakup is an automatic flood of anger, resentment, blame, and fear of being alone, setting these women up for failure in their next relationship. Sound familiar?
The good news: It is completely possible to set yourself up for success in relationships with some surprising adjustments to what you’re doing now. The worst way to begin a new relationship is by bringing in negative emotions from your past. Also, simply thinking differently isn’t enough (I’ll explain later).
Let me share one of my great life-coaching strategies, which has helped my clients tremendously. After walking clients through this process, they feel better about themselves, are more confident about attracting the right guy, and have a game plan for personal growth and how to make the next relationship more successful than the last—by using their single, in-between time wisely and positively.
3 questions to ask yourself during your single time between relationships:
1. What did I do right? By asking yourself what you did right during the relationship, you acknowledge how much you’ve learned about being a good partner. It’s an opportunity to measure your personal growth instead of playing the blame game, which always pollutes your next relationship, whether you realize it or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re blaming yourself or your guy: Blame is toxic to all relationships, even the one you have with yourself.
What were you better at this time than in previous relationships? (opening up, trusting, communicating, being more loving, etc.)
Were you supportive of him? (trusting him, encouraging him, showing appreciation, etc.)
Did you establish and enforce healthy boundaries, ensuring you were treated respectfully and speaking up if not?
Read more on YourTango.com.
Most women have heard that you should never change for the sake of a relationship. To some women, changing for a man is like admitting that you are desperate and one step away from settling for any man with a job. After all, if you’re so fabulous you shouldn’t have to change, right? Wrong. I’ve recently learned that changing for someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here’s why.
Single women have certain ‘single woman traits,’ just as many women in successful relationships possess certain characteristics. When you’re single, you think for you. When in a relationship, you have to think for two. And these thoughts will usually have to accompany a bit of change.
I am an avid lover of “me time.” I think every woman should have it. When I’m single, I can have as much “me time” as I’d like without letting a man know when and why I need space and time. This love of my own space got in the way of one of my recent situations. Not because the guy I was seriously dating at the time was against it, but because I didn’t communicate it to him very well.
I’ve always prided myself on going after what I want and working tirelessly to get it.
This ‘go hard’ attitude is okay while I’m single, but has gotten in the way of relationships. Not because men didn’t want a hard working woman but because I didn’t make the time to balance work and a relationship.
Every time a man would question me about my lack of time, I would get defensive. I thought they wanted me to change who I was (my career and ambition); but instead they wanted me to change how I did it. And now when I revisit the situations in my mind, I see areas where I could have improved.
These are only two of the ways I let my single-girl-selfishness interfere with my relationships. These things are more obvious, but there are other things that are much more subtle. Most single women have adapted to being single, and rightfully so. We learn to take care of ourselves and be self-sufficient. Unfortunately, sometimes these habits put us first and leave the men trying to get close to us, behind.
So if a man tells you that you’re too into you and not as in to him; before you give him the eye, consider what he’s saying. I learned to change things about me that I actually didn’t think were bad while I was single, but realized they were like a death sentence to a relationship. This didn’t mean I changed who I was, I just changed some things that I did.
Has being in a relationship ever revealed things you needed to change about yourself?
I did not learn to enjoy my own company until I relocated to start my career. Moving from my home state to one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the world with little to no friends or acquaintances or family, loneliness began to set in. After almost a year stuck in the same bubble of insecurity and isolation, I begin to search for ways to adapt to my new lifestyle. Learning to accept the fact that I have more time to myself than I was used to back in my hometown, I began to enjoy everyday things solo, like going out to try a new restaurant or coming home to an empty apartment. Just because I was alone, didn’t necessarily mean I had to feel lonely.
There’s a certain type of self-assurance when it comes to doing (and enjoying) things alone. It comes along with time, self-confidence and being aware of what you need as a person, and primarily, as a woman. Some of us need alone time to escape the stresses of the day. Others might need their alone time to do something selfish every once in a while. Whatever the case may be, being alone should not automatically mean feeling lonely; it is the perfect time to put your guard down and enjoy the most important person in your life: yourself.
My husband’s birthday was the day after Valentine’s Day, so celebrating is a double whammy. Buying him gifts for the two holidays was tough because I like buying him sentimental things for Valentine’s Day and useful things for his birthday. He is a practical man; he enjoys working in the yard and fixing things in the house. I encourage this part of him because he has a stressful job and working on things seems to relax him. I had been bugging him since the holidays about what he wanted for his birthday, so the week before his birthday when he came to me with a big grin on his face pointing to a magazine telling me, “This is what I want,” I paid attention. It was inside a Prime Living Magazine, for which I write, where he found his dream gift: a “man cave” you could build at home.
The man caves featured in the article were incredible. One look and I knew it was the perfect gift! Some were round and hanging from a tree. Some of them were fashioned after elaborate cottages hidden in the trees. I kept looking at the pictures and imagining how they would look in our yard. I looked at him and said, “Wow, we need one of these! We can climb up inside and retreat for days.” His face changed, and he became suddenly serious and said, “Wait a minute, the idea of the man cave is I go into it by myself. I go there to retreat, to think, and to work on stuff.” He went on to say, “I get to eat what I want (I’m vegetarian, he’s not), listen to what I want (he likes 60′s rock, I like bossa nova) and it’s a place only for ‘the man.’”
Read the rest of this story at Your Tango.com.
Do you and your man have separate places where you each go to unwind?
‘Work hard and play hard’. Taken out of context, this saying could land you in a world of irresponsible trouble; but if applied responsibly, it advises you to work hard but also make time to enjoy your life. Basically, it’s all about balance. As busy women, juggling multiple professional and even domestic duties, creating balance should surpass all the things on our to-do lists. Without balance, we deprive ourselves of happiness and fulfillment in our lives. All work and no play can make you a boring girl; and that’s not what ‘living’ is about.
Webster’s Dictionary defines balance as a mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment. Basically in order to make the right decisions, not feel overly stressed and not be considered an emotional wreck, we all need balance. Such a simple word can drastically change our lives for the better.
These five habits can assist you in creating balance in your life.
Ah, to be reclining on a beach chair right now with steel drums playing in the background and well-oiled cabana boys fetching us drinks. If you need a break from daily drudgery, here are some quick, easy and low- or no-cost tips for a rejuvenating getaway.
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