All Articles Tagged "lying men"
People love to tell you that women cannot stop running their mouths. And I’m not really here to argue that women don’t generally talk more than men. What I am arguing though, is that every once in a while, you’ll stumble across a man who does a whole lot of chatting, often to his own detriment. I ran into someone like this, this past week when I went to get my hair done. My hairdresser just so happened to be a male this time and homeboy said more than he should have. Without any prompting from me, this 45 year old man started talking about his career goals. His long term goals were to be an architect; but in the interim, he was going to stack money by doing hair at the shop and in his house… well, not exactly his house, it was his friend’s. He made sure that I knew it was a female friend. (As if that made the situation any better.) This friend of his not only opened up her home to him as a residence, she told him that he could make a little money on the side by doing hair there. She even offered to install a washing bowl in her home. He declined. That was a bit much. Well, that seemed like a lot of support to me. So I said, “That was nice of your friend.” That’s when he told the truth about his “friendship.”
“Well, if she were here, I’d have to call her my girlfriend.”
“So is she your girlfriend or not?”
“Well, you know…we…you know we…yeah she’s my girlfriend.”
At this point, I had officially written him off as a shady character; but just because I was done with him, didn’t mean he was done talking. A few minutes later, he was telling me about a woman he knew who recently published a book. After promoting her book, he said, “I could call her my girlfriend too. We…you know, we…”
Ugh. So done with you sir. At this point I was silently praying that all shady, no good, low down dirty vibes would not be transmitted into my hair.
Not only was he talking too much in general, the gall of him to be speaking about his triflin’ ways in front of another woman was… not very smart. It wasn’t smart for him speaking like that in front of me and it wasn’t smart discussing the intimate details of his personal life with a client. Here is this woman going out of her way to support his dreams and he couldn’t be honest about how he saw her in their relationship. Do you think if she knew homeboy was calling her a friend in the street, she’d even think about offering to install a whole sink in her home, let alone allow him to stay in her house? Probably not. I’d bet she’s thinking she is doing all of this for her man, not her friend. Just be honest. But then he might run the risk of being homeless out here…and it’s wintertime.
For me, it just served as another warning that these men out here, even if they’re in their 40’s, can be scandalous. I suggest you heed the warning as well. You can’t always know how your man is describing your relationship when you’re not around; liars will be liars. But until you’re absolutely sure that you both agree on the nature of your relationship, don’t inconvenience yourself or allow yourself to be used by a man who’s just a friend.
Men, you know I love you guys. I’ve been friends with you, dated you, heck, I even married one of you, but as much as I feel like I understand the male psyche, there’s still one thing that I don’t understand and it worries me. Men, can we have a truth moment?
Can we discuss this whole, “sparing her feelings” thing you guys do sometimes? Now, I feel like I’m EXTREMELY lucky that this never happened to me, and I’m banking that it’s because, (including my divorced husband), I’ve only been in 3 relationships. But if I wasn’t such a commitment phobic person, then I probably would have dealt with this, like so many other women I’ve known.
Now, I’m not talking about that moment she asked you if she looked fat in an outfit and even though you realized her measurements are getting a little wider around the tum-tum area and you say: ”No, baby, unless you mean your butt, because it looks FAT!” I’m talking about the behaviors that happen when you start talking to a girl with the intent on dating her, but after you realize that you have no chemistry or you didn’t actually like her you still do relationship things with her, because “I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
I would sometimes sit baffled while my guy friends would address how they had no more interest in a girl they started talking to but would still go down a physical path with her because they didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying: ”I don’t like you like that anymore.” I just… I just don’t understand the rationale behind it. I’ve known a guy who indulged in … diced pineapples, because the girl he was with wanted a relationship with him, and he wanted to make her “feel good” before telling her he only saw her as a friend. I had a friend who knew a girl was almost obsessed with him, but he didn’t like her, but when it came time to tell her and she started crying he performed some boom-shaka-laka, so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I’ve even heard of guys who have moved in with girls they didn’t like. Why? They felt sorry for her and wanted to spare her feelings.
I mean, is the threat of her tears that intimidating that you’d be willing to put off telling her the truth? Like I’ve expressed, the answer I’ve found in some men is YES! Now, fellas, I know you might not want to hear this but these acts to “make her feel better” don’t spare her feelings, it only hurts them more, immensely so.
On the unfortunate incidences where I was also friends with the girls as well, I would listen sickly as the women would claim that they just knew the relationship was going somewhere because, “why would he do that if he wasn’t interested in getting in a relationship with me?” Then I was there as a shoulder to cry on as they retold the story of the guy breaking things off. ”When I asked him why he would sleep with me he would say: “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Well, how does he think I feel now?!”
To my fine fellas out there, no matter what you think a girl wants, she definitely doesn’t want a pity relationship. She also might not understand that you don’t want to be with her at all, or anymore, but don’t let your need to stop her tears be the reason you try to subside her pain by giving her some “physical” comfort. Honestly, all it will do is hurt her and make breaking things off from her even more difficult.
Don’t spare Kendra Koger’s feelings, just tweet her, at @kkoger.
This week I was asked to answer the following questions: Why do men send signals that make a woman think she’s more important than she is i.e introducing her to his parents. Why do men do that? Is it that they really don’t think it’s a big deal or is it part of some sort of strategy?
I initially planned to explain that men and women interpret actions and words differently. After speaking to a woman on the subject, I realized this wouldn’t take into account men who outright lie. To paint a more complete picture, I decided to approach this question from both sides.
A deceitful man will do whatever it takes to get what he wants. The question above asks, “is it part of some sort of strategy” to make a woman think you like her more than you really do. The answer is yes and no.
You don’t have to be much of strategist to make a woman think you like her more than you do. Assuming she even asks, all you have to do is answer her questions correctly. In most cases, there are no questions to answer. If all date plans seem like boyfriend and girlfriend activities, most people think there isn’t anything to clear up. In other words, these men usually deceive through the absence of truth rather than outright lying to you.
This is how a man can strategically end up on a completely different page than the woman. These type of men use the absence of evidence – having never committed to you through words despite their boyfriend-like actions – as the evidence of absence. Further, if someone is going to lie to you even when you openly communicate with them, then what good will talking do? Liars lie, which is why it’s key to point out the subtle differences between deceitful and honest men.
As a man, I admit I usually give men the benefit of the doubt to men. I’m not saying I’m right, but I don’t think most men are out to purposely hurt women. That said, even the actions of “good men” hurt women all the time. You see, even if a good man is considerate enough to tell you the truth upfront, I still imagine having him not feel the same way you feel is no better than having a deceitful man not feel the same way. Poison is poison no matter who gives it to you, but at least in one scenario you know what you’re being served.
Honest men try to strike a balance between doing right by a woman and getting what they want from that woman (sex, relationship, friendship, or whatever). These two goals don’t always align. For example, even a good man might only want sex with no strings attached. The key difference is that an honest man will explain his intentions upfront and at least give the woman an opportunity to agree or disagree to the terms of engagement.
As the relationship progresses, the man might notice that the woman is starting to catch deeper feelings than the original agreement. This is where most men choose to feign ignorance because they are still getting what they want out of the arrangement, especially if the woman doesn’t have the courage (or will) to admit she is no longer happy with the original agreement. Most men wonder, right or wrong, “if I’m perfectly content, then why should I be the one to bring it up?”
Honestly, he has no obligation to but that’s the difference between a good man and men as a whole. A good man accepts that he has to take on more personal accountability than satisfying his own needs. Some would argue that’s just the burden of being a man (This is not to say that women don’t have their own share of burdens, so please don’t falsely accuse or email me to say that. Thanks!). So, how do you tell the difference between an honest man and a deceitful one?
Now we all know I’m a fan of the good time girls; I call them the ‘jazzy one’ while you call them jump offs. It’s a little more than semantics because our definitions are different but let’s just say I have love for the sexually liberated and you don’t. But what I can’t stand are the delusional women — who they make me sick. Their main purpose in life is to find themselves in some ‘serious relationship’ so they concoct these love affairs in their feeble minds and when they don’t work out (because it never started) they bash men to all hell and say there are no good ones left. Some men are to blame as well because they prey on the delusional ones like coward hunters attack wounded deer; she’s an easy kill. The plus of dating the delusional one is that you don’t have to do much because they create the whole thing in their heads for you.
Here, I’ve laid out some tell-tale signs that you might be one of those delusional chicks. Let’s dig in shall we?
Let’s say you met a man spontaneously at a bar. He is charming, handsome and all together captivating. You spend the next several hours together, talking and getting to know each other’s bodies a little bit better. [But no sex.) You end the night on a high, only to find out a few days later that homeboy is married.