All Articles Tagged "hurt feelings"
We only have a few answers this week because we were all prepping for “Scandal.” But this week we asked our Facebook and Twitter followers when was the last time they hurt someone, whether it was intentional or not and if they apologized. See what they had to say.
Valencia: Monday! I apologized and then kicked him out my life because he’s too manipulative!! Stupid a#s Libra!
Shantel: Today actually. I hurt my son’s feelings It was not intentional. He vomited on my carpet and I was frustrated over that, and he thought I was mad at him. He even wrote me an apology letter, which I found after he went to bed. I will definitely be apologizing to him in the morning.
Kiana: Last week. My husband and I got into a really bad argument. I felt horrible about it and apologized for the things I said. I still feel horrible about it.
Mimi: The janitor on my job was cleaning my work station& I thought she was rearranging it. I snapped at her & didn’t realize until I got closer to my station that she was using a swiffer duster to clean my desk. (I should have known better. She cleans EVERY nook & cranny). I did apologize after-the-fact & it made me feel better when she said, “I’m not worried about you because you have a beautiful & fair personality.”
Senita: First,I always apologize when Im wrong- that’s a strength of mine…I cant recall hurting anyone’s feelings in quite some time though-tbh. Im not into that.
Michelle: A couple months ago. A girl in my classes was talking about a guy that she had broken up with. he had cancer for over a year or two and she took care of him during his treatments… that didn’t stop him from leaving and kicking her out of the home that they shared for a couple years as soon as he got a little better then completely ignoring her for weeks. she was trying to use his sickness as an excuse to why he was acting like an A$$.. I let her know that just because someone gets sick that doesn’t mean that they’re automatically a good person. his actions where showing that he didn’t care about her and i told her wasn’t into her ( at least not anymore) and that she should move on because he was an asshole. it made her cry and she left the class for that day… I told her i felt bad for making her cry the next time i saw her… I wasn’t sorry about what I said though.
Our memories can be spotty, until it comes to how someone’s wronged us. That’s when people can develop a photographic-like memory; and not just remember what you did, but who was there and what you were all wearing where you standing and what you were eating. Scientific studies have proven that people tend to fixate more on negative experiences, that’s why when people hurt you you can remember things well. If you’re lucky, you might get an apology from the person who caused you pain; however, there are times when you feel like you are owed an apology that never comes. What happens then? What about when you cut that person out of your life and they pop back in as if they are ignorant to the pain they caused you?
The world is a lot smaller than we realize. It seems that almost every week you can run into someone in your past or someone who is connected to your past and it brings up all types of memories. For me, I love seeing people from my past. I try my best to keep “my name good in these streets,” and usually end on a good note with almost anyone who has crossed my path. However, there have been a few moments when running into someone, or seeing someone has brought back unpleasant feelings that led this normally talkative person to become extremely quiet.
I’ll be completely transparent with you at this moment, this is something that I’m dealing with now. I learned that a person I thought was a friend had bogusly used me. Her presence has been, in a sense, almost haunting me. Both of our professions have just recently intertwined and I’m seeing her a lot more than I had hoped.
I struggle with trying to figure out what’s the best way to handle the situation. Do I confront her? Do I ignore her? Just pretend that she doesn’t exist? What about when we both interact with mutual friends and I have to see her?
While weighing my options, I’ve realized that confronting her about how she hurt me isn’t going to accomplish anything. At the very least I’ll get that annoying, passive comment of : ”Well, I’m sorry you feel hurt,” which I feel is a way that people absolve their own feelings and put the blame on you for being so weak to not let them get away from walking all over you. At the best I could get a sincere apology, but with my photographic memory of how I found out that our friendship was nothing but a sham will constantly play in my mind, and no real friendship can develop from that, because I will constantly be wondering if she’s faking or not (because she was extremely convincing when we were best friends).
For me, I had to put things in a way that would help me to let it go. First, I had to accept that ‘L.’ That friendship was a loss, and no matter how many times I replay what happened, and the times that I overlooked red flags is not going to propel me back in time as if I’m in a DeLorean and could change what happened.
Second, I had to remember that as perfectly that I can remember what she did to me, that there is someone undoubtedly remembering something that I did to them. As much as I would like to believe that “my name is good in these streets,” I know that I’m not perfect and that I have made bad decisions based off of emotion rather than logic and have conveniently forgotten about the hurt that I’ve caused others.
Finally, I had to learn that I have to get closure on my own. Closure is a luxury, not anything that is guaranteed to us. Holding on to something to get an apology later is only hurting yourself. Those moments of: ”I just need to talk to him/her, and let them know how they hurt me. I feel like if I let them know then I’ll feel better.” Honestly, most of the time that backfires, because sometimes you don’t get the response that you were hoping for, and it makes you relive those feelings.
Now, I’m not an expert, but these are things that I remember when my ex-friend’s beautiful face pops back in my life, these things help me to accept the things that I cannot change, and develop the wisdom I need to know the difference. I’m not there yet, but I know I’ll soon be in a serene place.
Apologies are a luxury, so are new shoes. Talk Kendra Koger out of buying a new pair on her twitter @kkoger.
Don’t Make Someone’s Problem With You, YOUR Problem: How Not Taking Everything So Personally Led Me To Peace
Internalizing every little thing is a sure way to dig yourself an early grave. I should know.
Years ago I had this pretty cool job and tried so desperately to please my boss. I thought she was the ish. She moved and things happened. She could command a room with little to no effort. She was envied and honored among her peers. Even if some of them didn’t like her, they couldn’t help but respect her work ethic and the fact that she got things done. I was enamored with her glow. I wanted to show her that I was worthy of my position, that I could be the best. I sought her approval like a dog digging for a bone.
I put in late, unnecessary hours. I spent days pouring over new ideas, getting things JUST right, eagerly anticipating her approval. But I could feel something was out of kilter. We weren’t vibing no matter how hard I tried. I would pitch something to her and she would give it a half glance. She came down on me for things that were far beyond my control and barely spoke when something I had done was a success. I can’t lie – I cried many a night, wondering what I was doing wrong. Why did this woman seem to loathe me when all I wanted was her esteem? I saw her as a mentor! I was busting my butt for her praise and getting sideways looks and whispers behind closed doors. What the EFF?
It took a long talk with my pastor and one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements to find the answer to my sad little prayers.
My pastor was always known for being a straight shooter and true to her cut-and-dry form she said to me:
“You put too much trust in people. People ain’t God so LATER for what they think!”
I felt pretty stupid for having wasted so much time taking my boss’s disdain personally when I KNEW I was doing everything in my power to please her. But therein lay the problem, didn’t it? Just like my pastor said, I was so busy trying to please people instead of consulting with God and simply doing my best that I was panic stricken more often than not. I wasn’t enjoying life. I wasn’t happy even though I loved my work. I was even having appetite and health issues as a sad result! She was going on, enjoying her life, never knowing the extent of my pain while I was confused and hurt and worried day and night. Crazy.
I came across the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and the second agreement hit me square in the face:
“Don’t Take Anything Personally”
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
I checked myself. I had been busting my butt, doing my best work. I had no reason to be trapped underneath my boss’s bad attitude or disdain or whatever her problem was. I was allowing myself to suffer for things I had no control over. I was a panic attacked hot mess worrying and wondering. A willing victim. And I was so tired of it.
I realized that I had been basing most of my life around what others thought, what they felt about me. I took every little thing so personally never realizing that sometimes (if not MOST times) a side eye, an unwarranted insult, a snub really had absolutely NOTHING to do with me.
Everyone acts/reacts toward others according to the condition of their own spirit. If something has transpired during the day that has thrown you off kilter, it’s your decision whether or not you will lash out, harbor hard feelings or overcome it. The other side of that coin was the side I had not seen until the situation with my boss, which is this: Just like our action or reaction is based upon what’s going on internally, so it is with how we respond to the way others act toward us. I hadn’t taken the time to self-evaluate and self-affirm, so I allowed anybody and everybody else’s internal conflicts to ruffle my feathers, to define who I was. I victimized myself without even realizing it.
Thankfully, I was able to begin my own personal healing process before I left that particular job. And though I believe my now ex-boss still hasn’t gotten past whatever issues she seemed to have been harboring against me, I learned a valuable lesson, changed my outlook and haven’t had a panic attack since. Your issue is your issue and life is short enough without me taking a few more years off with worry and grief. I choose peace and peace chooses me.
La Trulyis a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
I Never Thought YOU Would Do That: How To Deal When A Person You Hold In High Regard Does Something Low Class
I remember the day so clearly. He was a Youth Pastor and musician at a church not too far from mine. I was a junior in college and an aspiring media professional looking to start applying what I had been learning about public relations to the gospel music industry. He had just launched a gospel music production company that he was seeking to promote. It just seemed right that we work together, and so we did. He was in his thirties and engaged to be married soon. I was about 19 and viewed him as somewhat of a mentor that I could trust. Everything seemed to be going well, but was until one Saturday morning in April.
We were on Blackberry Messenger going over a few details for an upcoming event when all of a sudden he changed the subject. We went from business to some very unprofessional chatter where he wound up making a round about pass at me by telling me that he had planned to play an April Fools trick on me, but kind of changed his mind. He was going to tell me that he was sexually attracted to me as a “joke,” and as things became more and more awkward via BBM, he proceeded to probe for what my response would have been. You know, to low-key see if he had a chance, even though he was engaged and someone I was supposed to look up to.
I was floored. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing because I had surely grown to view him as an older brother. My feelings were hurt and I guess I expected more from a brother in Christ and someone operating in the office of “Youth Pastor.” But, I suppose that is where I went wrong.
What I learned from this experience is that although you may have much admiration and respect for a person, it doesn’t make them any less human and we are all flawed in one way or another. But, how do you get past a situation such as this one? How do you deal when someone you respect lets you down?
Realize they’re human - No one walking this earth is perfect, and while the person in question’s behavior may have thrown you for a loop, it is important to note that they’re flesh and blood just like you and are prone to make mistakes. Of course, we wish they’d have better judgment, but things happen, so I would recommend thinking hard about it all before totally cutting that person off or counting them out.
Tell them how you feel - I am guilty of not doing this as much as I should, but telling someone how their behavior has affected you can assist in getting the burden off of your chest, in informing the person that their behavior isn’t desired, and helping the two of you move forward.
Forgive - There’s no use in walking around holding a grudge or walking around with a chip on your shoulder due to someone else’s misconduct or poor judgment. Even if you decide to distance yourself from them, forgive them in your heart.
Witnessing a person whom you hold in high regard or that you once placed on a pedestal in an unflattering light can be a difficult pill to swallow, but it is best to use it as a learning experience and make up your mind that you will not be broken by the experience. Understand that they’re human and that while you can have a lot of respect for them, you shouldn’t take it so personally if and when they disappoint you.
Have you ever been let down by someone you respected? How did you react?
When someone wrongs you, whether it’s a family member, your significant other, a friend or someone on the job, your first instinct is to make them pay for what they’ve done to you. Some people believe that taking revenge is counterproductive while other people can’t wait for Karma to take effect. See what our followers had to say about revenge, whether they took it and how they felt afterward.
Samantha: FELT A LOT WORSE, BUT YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN!
Darling: Can’t say I have. I just live my life and forget they existed . That usually works. Ppl that do wrong to folks either do one or two things . They try it again and are caught or they desperately want your attention (think Evelyn Lozada). Funny but pathetic sight I tell ya.
Veronica: I put an entry about my ex on a site called womansavers 4 revenge for how he dumped me. Felt good until he anonymously replied.