All Articles Tagged "friendzone"
You know everybody has their philosophies on what makes a lasting relationship. But one piece of advice we hear time and time again, from various sources, is that you both should be friends first. It’s certainly a nice sentiment but easier said than done in the real world.
Let’s be honest, unless you’re just not feeling homeboy romantically, chances are, you’re going to go full throttle. I’m talking flirting, romantic dates (no group, no chaperone), maybe a little sexy time. And in a few months, you’ll probably be wondering when y’all are going to be dating each other exclusively. We all know how passion-filled those first couple of months/years can be. It’s hard to quell your urge to kiss someone, and just settle for kicking it. Time is precious. Clocks are ticking and there are some life goals that need to be checked off. Let’s Go!
But one Thought Catalog writer suggests that we’re going about it all wrong. And should calm all that anxious, desperate energy down a lotta bit.
Christopher Lai, (Yes, a man.) said we should pay more attention to the old adage of being friends first. He titled his article “Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First.”
Sounds like it’s going to be agonizing.
“However if you’re looking for something serious, you have to take things slow to get to really know his intentions. You don’t want to become another statistic…some girl he slept with that he mentions offhandedly to his friends before they knuckle punch and carry on, laughing.
When you meet a guy and you have a good feeling about him, let him prove that he can be patient. He can’t meet you for the very first time on Wednesday and automatically expect to land a date that coming weekend. Hell no. He needs to show you that he’s not just into you for a quick fix—to prove that he can be more. That he can be a friend, too. However long that takes.”
Lai suggests a little, what reads like, game-playing. Or maybe it’s heart-protecting. He says, before you go on a single date, friend zone this guy to see how he copes. Friend zone him if he asks you out, friend zone him if you want to go out with him. You should not agree to go out with him until you, not only feel completely comfortable with him but when he knows you. Lai says, he should know “What makes you smile (What numbers to dial. He didn’t say that. Biggie did.), what your ambitions and greatest insecurities are, what’s inscribed on your bucket list, etc.”
It’s a lot. I have friends, girlfriends, hell family members, who don’t know those things about me.
So, what do you make of this theory?
Well, it seems like a bit of self denial. You like the man, want to go out with the man and he wants to go out with you but you keep him at bay until he gets to know you. How long does it take before you can say you really know someone? Can you ever really know someone? I, I know I learn new things about myself on occasion, and I know me pretty well. Furthermore, people can hide their true selves for a long time. There’s no set time frame to these type of things.
And there’s a good chance that while you’re waiting for him to learn your favorite color, he’s lost interest and has decided to bounce.
But then, this is Lai’s point. He writes that a man who is not in it for the right reasons will most certainly be out. But someone who is genuinely interested will hang around, waiting to take his shot.
I can’t lie, there is some truth to that. We’ve all put dudes on the backburner, only to find that they refuse to be ignored or burn out.
Quite a few of us have that one, legit guy friend who we would never consider dating; but he’s expressed, either subtly or explicitly, that should the moment ever arise, he’d be ready and willing to report for boyfriend/boothang/bae duty.
From experience, I can tell you that it’s much more easier and much more enjoyable to date when you’re not completely smitten, head over heels and yearning for it to work out. There’s just less desperation, tolerance for bullsh*t and disrespect, should any arise. When you’re not afraid of losing someone, it’s easier to speak up, immediately and unashamedly, when you don’t like something they’ve said or done.
So there is some merit to Lai’s idea. But in practice, it might be a little far-fetched.
What do you think about the friendzone before dating theory? Have you ever done it? Read Lai’s entire article on Thought Catalog.
While we all have girlfriends, it’s always nice to have a few guy friends in the loop who you can talk to and chill with. In many cases when you have guy friends, it’s likely that you’re bound to experience some sort of chemistry — it just happens! If you’re on the fence and completely unsure as to whether this guy is best as a friend or if he’d make a good boyfriend, here are some tips and advice to keep in mind. Don’t let the indecision ruin your relationship!
I was having an interesting conversation with some friends on whether women truly put their close male friends in the “friend zone.” For anyone who doesn’t know what the “friend zone” is, according to the always hilarious Urban Dictionary, it’s the following:
“What you attain after you fail to impress a woman you’re attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, “You’re such a good friend”. Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another. Verb tense is “Friend-ed”.”
Ironically, most of the other definitions on Urban Dictionary paint this similar picture: that men are the sole victims to being looked at as just friends by the women they care for, but who don’t happen to feel the same way back. Or what I would call victims of unrequited love.
The way some people perceive the “friend zone” bothers me because it’s usually only implied to men. Most movies and TV shows present men who feel they are victimized in some way because they didn’t get to that next level with their romantic interest and because she didn’t share his feelings. Just because you buy a woman dinner, or take her out on a date, or spend time with her doesn’t mean she’s automatically required to either sleep with you or become your significant other and immediately feel the way you do.
I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who take advantage of men’s kindness, because that would be a lie. We can all probably find a time where we’ve accidentally or purposefully played with someone’s emotions, but to think that it’s only women who do this to men? That’s my problem with the perception of it all.
I’ve been friend zoned plenty of times. I’m either too cute or too sweet to the guys I’ve found myself interest in, and I’m always someone’s “kid sister” or “one of the guys.” Guys have given me some indication that they were interested in me, but then after they get what they wanted, be it physical, emotional–whatever–they have pulled the “You’re great and all, but we just don’t have that spark. We should just be friends.” There have been guys who I’ve liked, but their only interest in me was to be friends and they never tried to lead me on and “play” like me in a romantic sense. As much as it might happen to men, it definitely is something that women go through just as much, and it might even be worse. Whether the man in the picture gets what he wants from you (be it companionship, someone to vent to, etc) but says he “doesn’t look at you that way” or not, being thrown in the friend zone isn’t something exclusive to one sex, despite popular opinion that paints women as heartless maneaters.
What am I supposed to do if someone doesn’t like me? Make them like me? Uh, no thanks. And it’s funny, because if a woman does it she’s a crazy psycho, but if a man does it, he’s a hopeless romantic. Thank you romantic comedies such as, 500 Days of Summer and Just Friends, for proving this point.
Rejection isn’t easy for anyone, but at the end of the day if someone genuinely doesn’t like you and was honest about it, what can you do? If people had more open and honest surroundings, it would create for stronger relationships and friendships. So while Urban Dictionary and others might like to play like women always rarely know what they want, use men and then play them because they’re “too nice” and would be better used as friends, men get down the same way…
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