All Articles Tagged "doing too much"

You’re About To Get Blocked: I’m All For Pursuit and Persistence, But How Much is Too Much?

October 18th, 2013 - By Stacy Ann Ellis
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thirsty feat

By the fourth phone call, I already knew I was never going to call back. It was 8 a.m. when I woke up to the first message from Mr. Man From The Party Last Night. “Wassup,” it read. I still had no idea what his name was and it was too early to text anyone other than my parents, so I rolled back over to sleep. Naturally, during the course of dreaming and snoring, the text escaped my mind and before I knew it, it was 6 p.m. As I was about to start my work shift, I got a call from the same unsaved New York number. While I felt bad for forgetting to text him back, I had too much work and not enough time for a phone conversation. I’ll get back to him tomorrow… I thought to myself as I let the call go to voicemail. When I heard my ringtone three more times in the next three hours, annoyance started to kick in. Dude, obviously I’m unavailable tonight.

By the end of his spree, he’d left a message, and a creepy one at that. “After you give me such a good dance last night, so nice, so sweet, so s*xy, you don’t answer your phone. What kinda ting is that?” he mused in a thick Jamaican accent. “It’s meee. Call me back,” he finished after repeating his number and gushing three more times about the “amazing” dance I gave him (it was a party and reggae and Soca were playing, I promise it wasn’t anyone’s strip tease). At that point, my feelings of irritation turned to those of discomfort, and I swiftly saved him in my phone as “NO. Scary Jamaican Man” (Disclaimer: I’m Jamaican, too). This was well over two weeks ago, and as of now, I’m on call number 16, none of which has ever been answered nor returned. Is the hint really that hard to miss? Or does he think that I’m playing hard to get? Either way, Mr. Man has thoroughly turned me OFF. As a shy girl, I’m cool with the idea of guys approaching me and the whole pursuit — I know it would take more than a couple tequila sours for me to be the initiator if someone caught my eye — but there’s a fine line between persistence and insanity. He pole vaulted over it.

Now be clear, I usually never go the ignore route when it comes to phone contact. I’m a peacemaker at heart and will usually sacrifice my personal feelings to avoid hurting someone else’s. I’m also just terrible at saying “no.” Rejection is a sucky feeling. But this time, I’m happy I followed my gut instinct to ignore those first few calls. “Doing too much” is a tell-tale sign that something’s a bit off about a guy, and it foreshadows what could be an obsessive courtship. If you’ll hound a woman whose whole name you don’t even know and face you couldn’t even clearly see, what on earth would it be like to be in a relationship with you? Maybe he’s needy. Maybe he’s controlling. Maybe he’s desperate. Maybe he’s after a green card and wants to hurry to the point of nuptials to get them (it happens!). Who knows, but I know I don’t intend on finding out.

Admittedly, I should’ve seen it coming before the number exchange even happened. One of my top party pet peeves (besides folks shoving through through crowds without saying “excuse me.” Ugh!) is when guys get carried away with their hands. You don’t have to caress my arm or the small of my back to pass me by. Please don’t misinterpret a dub (or grind, twerk, wine, juke or whatever you call it) as an opportunity for a personal touchy-feely session. I didn’t ask for all that. Just keep your hands on my hands or stationary on my hips unless I direct you otherwise. Anyway, Mr. Man tried it for a hot second before I swiftly repositioned his hands. I didn’t make a big whoop out of it because aside from that, he seemed like a nice guy. I just brushed it off, ended the dance, told him I was leaving, gave him my number and went on about my night. Little did I know all the small talk and G-rated compliments would get tossed out the window the very next day after four creepily consistent phone calls. Chile, never again.

I always joke with my friends that the reason I’m single is because I never mix ‘n’ mingle and swap info at parties. Well, this experience has been even more of a deterrent. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I personally can’t deal with the potential crazies lurking on these dance floors. Fellas, just be cognizant of your aggression when trying to connect (and reconnect) with someone who you think might be worth your while. Yes, pursue her, but do it in a way that won’t leave you as the subject of a scared woman’s essay. Don’t be pushy, clingy or obsessive (the same goes for us, ladies). Hit her up in a respectful manner, at a respectable hour and a reasonable amount of times before you give up. And sometimes it’s cool to do just that, give up. In time, the right one will answer. Because I promise you, blowing up her phone won’t get you anywhere but on a blocked calls list.

Stacy-Ann Ellis is a New York-based writer and photographer whose work has been featured in VIBE Magazine, VIBE Vixen, Hearts Converse, The Root and The Washington Post. Follow her on Twitter at @stassi_x

Are You Abusing Your Bragging Rights?

June 26th, 2013 - By Kendra Koger
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iStockphoto

iStockphoto

 

There are certain things that you have freewill over, but such things should be treated as precious.  There’s a thin line of appreciating something and abusing it.  I’m a firm believer that if you’re going to teach a principle then you should make yourself the example.  So here I am, to share my story, in hopes that you learn from my poor mistakes.

Sometimes, there’s no better feeling than not only being the best at something, but letting others know (that you know) how good you are.  Things like that should always be done in good humor.  The problem for me was that I wasn’t really good at anything physical that you would typically brag or talk trash about.  So, the opportunities to flex those trash-talking muscles were few and far in between.  But when I did get that opportunity, I would exploit it, because, who knew when I’d get a chance to do it again?

There was just something about it that made me feel, probably the same way that Miguel did before he did that jump.  “I’m on fire, and nothing bad can happen now!  Let me leap into destiny!”

In my life I was always expected to be so meek and humble, but when I got outside of my parents’ walls, beat someone at something, you couldn’t tell me nothing!

It wasn’t until I roasted one of my uncles-in-law that I had a little glimmer that maybe it had gotten out of hand.  After beating him in some movie trivia and then proceeding to talk about all the things that were wrong with him,  he politely got up, left, maybe feeling a little bad that he just got chopped down to size by a 10 year-old. But then again, I should have known my place with elders.

When I went to college, the atmosphere of my co-ed dorm brought it back out of me.  My all girls floor would engage in prank wars with different floors.  The thing about the girls on my floor is that we were all trash talkers and braggers.  The difference between each of us is that they knew when to stop. I didn’t.

While visiting one of my guy friends on his floor.  A friend of mine accompanied me to engage in some harmless flirting.  But apparently the line between flirting and trash talking is very thin, because before I knew it I was in a bragging match with a few guys on the floor.  I didn’t catch on when one of the guys, like my uncle, excused himself.  But I realized something was amiss when I was lifted in the air and then next time my feet touched a solid surface was when they landed in the bottom of a (clean) trash can (new liner and everything, however, it was very symbolic).  The gentleman who left grabbed a trash can to put me in.  Explaining that:  “When you talk too much trash, this is where you end up.”  The guys then proceeded to drag me up and down the hallway, setting an example for others to “think before you trash,” whatever that means.

I learned, as they helped me out that while you might feel or even know that you’re the best at something, being humble goes a very long way as well.  With everything in life, moderation is the key.  Yes you have the right to eat, drink, and brag as much as you want, but imbibing too much into these things can sometimes lead to a negative downfall.

Yes, you may be the best at something, but rubbing it in everyone’s face in a two mile radius might not be the best thing to do.  Don’t dull your shine, but also don’t be surprised that if you overuse your bragging rights you could be left alone, or in my case dropped in a trash can.  So please, use discretion.

Kendra Koger started from the bottom of the trash can, but now she’s on twitter @kkoger.

Pump Ya Brakes: The Love Lesson We Can All Learn From Ciara

May 9th, 2013 - By Veronica Wells
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"Ciara and Future PF"

Source: WENN

Oh love. There’s nothing else like it, right? It’s magical, beautiful, divine. Love, in any form, is probably one of the best things we can hope for in this life. But if you’ve been around the block a time or two, you know that there’s flip side to this love business. It’s not always a bed of roses. It can enrage you, betray you, deplete you, hurt you. That’s why when you first fall in love it’s important to take your time and guard your heart.

Today, this lesson will be illustrated by singer/dancer Ciara.

It was a couple of weeks ago when we posted the video of Ciara’s awkward interview on 106 & Park. It was mostly awkward because we watched her sit and chat with ex boyfriend Bow Wow, right in front of her current boyfriend, rapper Future. Bow Wow did the best he could, though there were times where he was clearly overcompensating. During the interview, Bow Wow went through pictures from Ciara’s Instagram asking her to describe what was going on in each shot. By the time he got to the second pic, the audience and even Bow Wow started doing that obnoxious “Wooooo” noise folks do when there’s a romantic moment being shared on television. The picture was of Ciara and Future sitting next to each other on what she called a “PJ.” (That’s a private jet for you poor folks.) After the audience settled down, Ciara started describing the picture saying “That’s me and my King.”

Huh?

When you refer to a man, a mere mortal, as your king you automatically lower yourself. Even if Future is walking around referring to Ciara as his Queen, it’s just not quite the same. Everybody knows traditionally the two roles aren’t equivalent. We were discussing the notion of calling a man your king in the office and we unanimously agreed that she took things a little too far. (It would seem that the two have been dating each other for a year max.) The more I thought about this “king” thing, the more I wondered if I could or would use it in the context of a more stable, more committed relationship like a marriage.

I’m not married so I called my mom and asked her if she’d ever call my father, her husband her king. She thought about it for a second before saying no. She said there’s something about the word “king” that is so vivid that you immediately start imagining the man wearing a crown, or a halo and she just didn’t feel comfortable giving that title to a man, not even one she’s been married to for nearly 30 years. She said that when you call someone your king it’s almost sacrilegious, like you’re relying on this man to be your everything. And no man can be everything to anyone. I told my mom about Ciara and she agreed it was too much and homegirl is just young.

I neglected to tell my mom about Ciara’s tattoo featuring Future’s initial.

When Ciara appeared on The Wendy Williams show, Wendy spotted the tattoo and asked Ciara straight out about her tattoo and whether it was the smartest decision. Ciara said she got the tattoo as a way to speak things into fruition.

And I feel so good about where I am. I’m very confident and comfortable with the way he loves me. I say that to say I’m only going to put in the universe positive things. I’m going to put in the universe that it’s only going to get better and better and better.

Girl You Thirsty! 15 Signs You’re an Overbearing Girlfriend

February 12th, 2013 - By Ashley Page
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Sometimes in a relationship you’ll find that you are doing everything possible to make sure that things continue to go well. And while your intentions are nothing but good, sometimes becoming overbearing and overstepping in a relationship can do more harm than good. Though it may sound crazy, there are times when you may be doing too much. Here are 15 sign’s that you’re an overbearing girlfriend who is probably coming off as just a tad parched.

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Shutterstock

You’re in touch with him 24/7

Every morning there’s a text on his phone. During your lunch break you run to your car to call him. At night you make sure you call him to wish him good dreams. Staying in touch around the clock is a big no-no, and it shows that you’re becoming really needy and clingy. Guys tend to hate when a girl becomes clingy, so definitely cut back on the communication.

Six Signs You May Be Forcing A Relationship

October 28th, 2011 - By Erica Renee
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I’ve learned one important rule of thumb when it comes to relationships: assume nothing. If he hasn’t told you, or most importantly shown you, that he loves you, don’t assume he does. If he hasn’t mentioned a future with you, don’t assume that the two of you will get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. More importantly, if you are the one developing or creating the relationship don’t assume that he actually wants to be in it.

Sometimes it can be quite difficult to not force something when we want it badly; but forcing someone to be in a relationship or love you is a recipe for total disaster. Surprisingly, some people don’t even realize when they’re forcing love. They go through the motions, making excuses for why the other person isn’t reciprocating their actions. The reality is if you are always on the giving in of love and never receiving it, it may not exist in the other person.

Consider these six signs to ensure that you’re not forcing love or a relationship that either doesn’t exist or simply isn’t meant to be.

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