From YourTango

Is there such a thing as ‘The Nice Guy Curse’? Is it even possible to be too nice? Men, the world over, have wondered why women continually pass up the quintessential nice guy who is loving, caring, giving, supportive, accommodating, faithful and head-over-heels in love with them.In the initial stage of a relationship there are many men who try really hard to make women happy.

In fact, they often bend over backwards to accomplish this task. If and when they enter into a deeper level of commitment, they often take things a step further. They begin to put their partner ahead of everyone and everything else in their lives.  While this may seem to accomplish the goal of making her happy, it actually does the complete opposite.If and when she actually becomes the most important thing in his life, she’ll start to lose her attraction for him. In fact, if he centers his life around her, it will actually drive her away.

She’ll start to resent the fact that his life revolves around hers and she’ll begin to lose respect for him as a man when he keeps adjusting to her every whim. Over time, the attraction she once had will slowly disintegrate until it is no more. While women do not possess an ‘attraction kill switch’, slowly but surely they begin to realize that something is different. Something is missing. What was once something has become nothing.

At this point, the ‘Nice Guy Curse’ has reared its ugly head. In his attempt to find out what went wrong, he is met with frustration and disappointment. Why? Simply put, women often have a hard time articulating the shift in their emotions, because it’s just a feeling they get. They really don’t know how to put it into words. The feeling is either there or it’s not.

Read more at YourTango.com

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From YourTango

We all want to feel like our partners are committed to us. In fact, a recent study commissioned by Benenden Health, one-third of the study participants said that they would feel more optimistic about their relationships if their partners showed them more commitment. On top of that, most married participants were significantly happier than their single fellow participants.

So now that science has proven an obvious truth about couples in relationships, what do you do when you aren’t getting the level of commitment you want from the guy you’re dating? Here are three simple steps you can take to move towards the kind of committed relationship that you really want.

Step One: know what level of commitment you want. Like most things in life, if you’re unclear about what you really want out of a relationship then you’re going to have a tough time getting it. Life tends to deliver to us exactly what we focus on, so if you’re not focused on what you truly want, then it’s time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. Does it mean dating exclusively? Do you want an engagementring on your finger or is a verbal profession of love good enough for you? Are you the type of person who feels that it’s not a true commitment until you drive off in the limo with the “just married” sign taped on the trunk? These are all questions that you need to answer honestly with yourself. (And to get started on your own personal journey to true love, download Jane’s complimentary guide ”Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the Love You Want … and Deserve.”)

Read more at YourTango.com

Jasmine: What is the most reasonable time period in which a woman should receive a proposal from her boyfriend?

DY: I don’t believe in an arbitrary set time for things like that. But, I will say if you’re in your late 20s and above, just “dating” for longer than two years probably isn’t the best look

From YourTango.com

By Dr. Megan Fleming

Are you single? Having doubts about monogamy? After all, how is it possible for one person to meet all of your relationship needs?

“The idea that one person can meet all of your needs,” says Dr. Fleming, “I totally agree, is not necessarily reasonable or true. We are so unique and diverse in our interests and our passions that it doesn’t make sense that one person is going to sustain and fulfill all those needs.”

See what else Dr. Fleming has to say about how realistic monogamy is on YourTango.com.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

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For singles in America, if you like it you don’t necessarily have to put a ring on it anymore. Results of Match.com’s second annual Singles in America survey show nearly two-thirds of singles are unsure about getting married in the future.

A decent portion of Americans over the age of 21 still want to jump the broom some day—about 34.5%—but another 27% say no thanks to exchanging vows, and the remaining 38.5% say they’re uncertain about the whole thing. Of the 5,541 single adults included in the survey, 90.5% are heterosexual; 56.5%  have never married, 30.9% are divorced, 10.2% are widowed, and 2.4% separated.

Marriage has been on the decline for several decades now, so the finding isn’t totally surprising. About 21.3% said they don’t have time to be with someone or they prefer to be alone, and only 12.7% are actively seeking a relationship. Nearly half (46.8%) say they are not actively looking for a relationship but if they met the right person they would consider it; 16.9% are dating someone; and another 2.2% like to keep their options open.

Bella DePaulo, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, who wasn’t involved with the study but researches singles, says the findings show staying single is actually an option that many embrace—despite the “woe is the single woman” banter that’s constantly thrown around.

“It smashes probably the most pervasive myth about single people is that what they want most is to escape being single,” she says. “These numbers are in the context of a society that still greatly glorifies marriage.”

What would be great is if when people saw these results they would realize they apply to black women too and they’ll stop trying to figure out how to get us married. As the findings show, we’re not all drying to cross the threshold like yesterday.

Are you in the uncertain/don’t want to get married category or are you still hoping to walk down the aisle?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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I’ve been curious about what people think happens once you get married that causes them to be so adverse to the idea. I’m not talking about the George Clooney’s of the world who are serial daters and have no real desire to be in committed relationships, or who have never really had the urge to be married, it’s the people who use the high divorce rate in America as a reason to not walk down the aisle who are a little baffling to me.

Rashida Jones is one of the latest celebrities to shy away from marriage using this argument. She recently told People:

“I totally believe in romance and love and all that, but the actual institution of marriage – in this country, more than half the people get divorced. So, something’s not working. I’m not staying it doesn’t work for everybody. I love going to weddings. And I totally support my friends that are married. I just don’t know if it works altogether across the board. That’s what I’m saying.”

Jones is certainly not alone in her thinking. People have abandoned the institution of marriage in droves due to statistics reporting its low success rate. While Jones is right about one thing—that something isn’t working—it’s not the fact that people are getting married. Marriage isn’t an across the board type of thing, it’s a union between two people, and what doesn’t work between one couple has no bearing on what will work with another.

I think people forget that on the most basic level, marriage is just an extension of the commitment that you’ve already made to the other person. It isn’t much more than a covenant or public declaration before God and/or friends and family that you are totally committed to the other person and the relationship doesn’t differ much from what you should already be doing as a faithful partner, disregarding the legal obligations that come with the agreement.

If marriages fail, it’s not because two people who were getting along fine for 12 years unwed, suddenly decided to declare vows and now the entire relationship has gone to hell. There are underlying issues between spouses that caused the breakdown—issues that would be there regardless of marriage or not, especially if you believe in living with someone long-term just not being legally wed. No one keeps track of how many relationships break up, but trust that the stats would be much greater than 50%. What that high divorce rate is representative of is people rushing into marriage, people not discussing the parameters of their relationships and finances before taking the leap, and people no longer seeing marriage as a one-shot, forever thing. The divorce rate is representative of a shift in societal values, and that is what isn’t working.

Rather than look at the high rate of divorce in the United States and say, oh that’s not for me, people should proceed with caution and learn what issues caused other people’s marriages to breakdown, and work through those issues with their potential life mate—either as hypothetical what-ifs down the line, or as real issues they are facing at the moment. The day after you say I do is not the time to figure out how you’re going to pay bills, whether you’ll have separate bank accounts, if you want children, where you’ll live, etc. People who fail to work out those issues and be honest about what they want in a relationship/marriage are the ones who break up/get divorces.

Marriage may not be for everyone and that’s totally fine, but people who want marriage shouldn’t turn away from it simply because other people couldn’t figure it out. I remember attending a Modern Day Matchmaker Live Event in New York last year and Paul Carrick Brunson discussed the media attention on single black women and told the ladies in the audience not to listen to statistics that don’t apply to them, and he’s right. Going by stats, I should probably have three kids, no college degree, be unemployed, and carry a disease or two. But that’s not my reality. The same way we don’t let the slanted statistics of single black womanhood affect us, we shouldn’t let the “startling” divorce rate hinder us from jumping the broom. A marriage is an individual union between two people and if they set realistic expectations that each partner is willing to commit to for life then they have a solid foundation to make their union work. But without that strong foundation, we will continue to see our divorce rates dissolve exponentially, and consequently our marriage rates.

What do you think about people using negative divorce rates as an excuse not to get married? What is the difference between staying in a committed long-term relationship unwed and walking down the aisle? Do you think one is better than the other?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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