essence.com

I was never able to figure out what it was about me that made people feel so comfortable. It took me awhile to successfully put my finger on the reason why people I barely knew felt comfortable enough to ask me to borrow money. It never clicked why people I sort of knew felt like it was cool to ask personal questions such as how much I make or invite themselves over to my home. I couldn’t understand why men I simply knew as acquaintances felt like it was cool to inappropriately comment on my figure. I used to foolishly credit this out of line behavior to my personality; I’m a pretty friendly person. But, after years and years of tolerating this disturbing behavior, it finally hit me that this was abnormal. I realized that I never really set personal boundaries with people, which is why they constantly overstepped them.

Personal boundaries are defined as the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They are important and absolutely necessary to the maintenance of your well-being and the upkeep of healthy relationships whether they be romantic relationships, familial relationships, friendships, office relationships and any other category of relationships that you can think of. Boundaries ultimately determine how much you are willing to give and how much you are willing to tolerate and accept from those around you. People who do carry on relationships without putting these personal guidelines in place are frequently uncomfortable and often offended by those around them, but they don’t say or do much about it. This struggle often stems from underlying feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness.

So, how do you know if you have issues setting personal boundaries? Do you feel as if you are being mean when you have to say no to people? Do you struggle with saying no? Are you always reluctant to let people know when they’ve offended you? Do you consistently allow people to make you feel uncomfortable? These are all signs that can be indicative of boundary issues.

Discovering that you have a problem is half of the battle. Many people will realize that they struggle with setting personal boundaries but are unsure of how to or if it is even possible to make a change. The good news is that as long as you have breath in your body, change is possible. The even better news is that this change can begin today because it starts within. One of the first steps towards setting healthy boundaries is having a conversation with yourself. Recognize what makes you uncomfortable. Realize that you have the right to guard your body and your emotions from being invaded by others. Acknowledge how much you can and are willing to take from other people. Accept that fact that it is impossible to please everyone and that sometimes in order for you to be happy you will have to learn the word “no.” Once you’ve established these boundaries from within, it is time to carry them out externally. Comprehend what is being asked of you and how you will be affected before agreeing to do anything. Become more comfortable using the words “I feel,” “I want,” “I won’t,” “I dislike when,” and “I can’t” when speaking to people. Know that people who genuinely care about you won’t be offended by your boundaries. It may take them some time to adjust to them, but they certainly will not be opposed to them. Practice expressing your feelings to others calmly and gracefully. And of course, prepare to walk away from those who can’t respect the healthy boundaries that you’ve set; everyone won’t be happy about the changes you are making to better yourself.

The key to keeping these boundaries is to remain consistent. Putting personal boundaries in place can be a very uncomfortable process but it will certainly improve your quality of life if you stick with it. Don’t allow yourself to become intimidated by the reactions of others; be direct and stand your ground.  The more you practice these habits, the more assertive you will become.

Jazmine Denise is a freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

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women.com

It’s no surprise that in 2012, women are going after what they want. Black women in particular are known for being assertive, and when it comes to education, a career, a family, even a man, we’re making it happen. But going after what you want when it comes to love could backfire on you, even be a bit creepy. Men are taught to be the chasers, while women are taught that if a man is truly interested, he’ll pursue you. So is asserting yourself in your love life a good thing? While confidence is definitely hot, there are some behaviors that some men consider a turn off.

Here are 6 things women do that can send a man in the opposition direction….

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When a new study came out earlier this month suggesting that assertive black women receive less backlash than white women on the job because they’re expected to be strong, it seemed like a bit of a catch 22. But the researchers behind the study say black women can use this information to their advantage in the work place because what the results really show is that they are good leaders.

“There’s this idea that acting dominantly is explicitly proscribed for white women and explicitly proscribed for black men,” says Ashleigh Shelby Rosette, co-author of the study and an associate professor at Duke. “However, for black women there is this stereotype out there of the ‘angry black woman.’ Some of these behaviors we often think of as extremely negative but actually, if you think about it, that angry black woman stereotype is also congruent with things like being aggressive, dominant, assertive, and self-assured—and those are our typical leader characteristics.”

In an online survey of 84 non-black participants conducted by Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business and the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University, subjects were asked a series of questions based on eight different scenarios with executives either communicating dominant or communal behaviors. When the results were tabulated, aggressive and direct leadership reflected negatively on white females and black males, but surprisingly it was seen as positive coming from black women and white men.

The reason for this, Rossette says, is that in the minds of most people, “Black women aren’t just a mirror image of white women—they occupy a new and unique space.” When you think of women, white females typically come to mind, and when when it comes to race, there’s usually an image of a black man. Because black women fall in between the two, they are seemingly safe from the negative outlooks placed on either group.

Rossette says these results require a new way of thinking about the power black women currently hold in the workplace, yet there is still much to do.

“When a black woman occupies a leadership position, she may have more behavioral freedom than we previously thought to communicate more forthrightly and recognize that she won’t necessarily be penalized because of that.

“But the presumption in our research is that she currently occupies the position. It’s completely counterintuitive to what we thought would happen when black women occupy these top positions, but the next aspect is how do we get them into these positions.”

Do you agree with this study’s findings about black women’s assertive nature making them good leaders?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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Usually you like to be a woman about yours; but some people you just have to cut off with a quickness. If you’ve been dealing with a smooth talking, pipe-laying man Slore, why even set yourself up for failure? You’re not strong enough so send that Dear John letter in a 160 characters. A text message. A quick SMS will get your message across, but for optimum success you have to follow these rules.