Falling in Love with an Ugly Man

November 2, 2011  |  

I’ll never forget, my freshman year of college I met this girl who was trying her best to maintain a long distance relationship with her boyfriend back home. When my other friends and I asked to see his picture, she showed us and then stated matter of factly:

“Justin* isn’t cute.”


We all looked at her in shock. This was the guy she’d shamelessly expressed her longing, love and affection for and here she was, saying she didn’t think he was cute. At least one of us expressed our confusion. “Dang Marti*! How can you say that?”

Again she was unapologetic in her reply.

“I think Justin is attractive and I love him; but when I first met him, I didn’t think he was cute. Really, nobody would look at him and think he was cute. ”

They were harsh words. We didn’t agree or disagree with her at that exact moment; but as I looked at his picture, I could see her point. True, he wasn’t hideous but he wouldn’t stop traffic.

And she wasn’t being mean. She was just stating a fact and a phenomenon I’ve observed several times now. While we may say we want this or that physical characteristic in a man; at the end of the day, you or I, could easily end up falling in love with an ugly man.  (Or person– for my lesbian sisters in the struggle.)

Note: Ugly is a harsh word so I’ll say unattractive, or “has interesting features,” or use some other euphemism to illustrate that homeboy isn’t a banger. 

We women love to ogle over an attractive man. We’ll take in his face, the defined jawline, the dazzling smile, glistening, rock hard abs, v-shaped waist and power thighs with much delight. If we’re alone we might find ourselves in a daze or if we’re with the girls we might lean over and whisper a “He could get it.” We’ve all been there but in reality most of us are more likely to end up with a man who’s a little chubby, has taco meat and might possess just one or two of the above mentioned physical attributes… if we’re lucky.

Don’t be discouraged by this news ladies, these are just the facts of life.

By now you’re probably thinking why is it that women have to settle? What about the men?

Men have this ability too. But really, they don’t have to learn or use this skill of “looking past” to the level that we do. Think about it. We women spend exorbitant amounts of time, money and effort into perfecting our outward appearance, mostly because we know that men are more visually inclined.

But every now and then we’ll see a man who is drop dead gorgeous with a woman who doesn’t quite match his attractiveness. You need look no further than Hollywood for examples. No names needed.

The truth is, the ability to “look past” is a bit more encouraging than it really sounds. After all, being able to overlook someone’s outward appearance and fall in love with their character and their spirit speaks to the profundity of love. Real love, the kind we don’t often see on our TV screens.

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  • True

    So what else is knew.

  • Absolutely

    Beauty and the Beast is alive and well.

  • TheTruth

    Very common these days.

  • Really

    Very common nowadays.

  • Seriously Speaking

    It is like beauty and the beast, then again these men have a lot of money too.

  • Paul

    most women that are straight will go with the ugly men that i have noticed, and the women that are gay will just be with their own sex. either way, us straight good innocent men seem to lose. and what is up with most of these women that have tattoos all over their body now?, very disgusting and sad.

  • Daman Money

    Women now a day always give credit to the doggy men ugly dirty tattoo’s and but looking cloths with shorts to there ankles. Bean poles on drugs are in didn’t you know?! No car no place and a weird style and look and your in! Clean cut to butt is what the style has turned to. If your dirty or ugly your in with a hot chick!

  • VeryTrue

    most of the women that i have noticed today are certainly going for the ugly guy look now, especially with a very large bank account that they have.

  • ayan hassan

    my marriage was arranged and im married for two years and ive never been turned on by n i think he is very unattractive bt my cuture is very harsh to divorcees so i have no choice.

  • jay

    looks like the ugly look is in. more and more women nowadays are going for the ugly guys, especially if they have a lot of money. but then again, these women are very rotten in the first place.

  • I totally understand this! It can be hard to look past an initial physical appearance when it isn’t something you prefer. I applaud people who are open minded enough to stick with it regardless of physical features. I unfortunately found it challenging in my dating past to do so. I married a man I was insanely attracted to, who feels the way back, but it is not the relationship I would have hoped for myself. I can’t help but to think back at those people I didn’t continue to pursue and wonder if I would have been more fulfilled in life.

  • Frankop

    beware, the ugly look is in. the ugliest men seem to be getting all the women now, go figure.

    • BBOY

      See the following link:


      I think this study includes pretty clear indicators that women are *definitely* going off looks, on a very consistent basis. Not only this, but the idea that attraction is in the eye of the beholder seems to be holding less and less water every day.

      The “ugly” look, it would seem, is the long, narrow face. This can be exacerbated by close-set eyes and a vertically long nose, or perhaps the opposite of this, which would be a mid-face that is simultaneously too short and too wide. However, the “long face” seems to be the strongest “avoid” trait. It’s all evolution at work if you ask me. The idea that women judge less harshly based on appearance is shattered every time a study like this on physical attraction is carried out.

      So if the long, narrow face is the ugly look, then the ugly look is very much *not* in! Nor has it been in the past.

  • Frankop

    beware, the ugly look is in. the ugliest men seem to be getting all the women now, go figure.

  • B-boy

    Whether we like it or not, everyone judges by looks.
    I don’t find the article to be too accurate, at least from my experience. I think males are more likely to grow to like an “average” or “ugly” girl. Women almost always know at first if they could ever fall in love with a particular guy; it rarely (if ever) catches them by surprise. Guys just don’t normally grow on you ladies if you don’t find them appealing (that is, ATTRACTIVE to look at) at first. Don’t believe me? Take a look at why the dreaded “friend zone” is so common with women, but not with men. We guys will bend over backwards for a woman we love, yet if she doesn’t think we’re physically appealing to look at, we’re never getting out of the friend zone. Conversely, a guy can grow to find a woman more physically attractive by getting to know her better and better. This approach just doesn’t work with the ladies. They either like you at first, or you’re placed directly into the friend zone without any hope of ever becoming more than that. This almost ALWAYS holds true. And that whole thing about beauty being in the eye of the beholder? Eh, nice try, but it’s just not true in reality. There are definitely universally attractive features and proportions that ALL of us humans look for. We might have different tastes, but when it comes down to it, those who are unattractive are just that – ugly to pretty much everyone. The beautiful girl will rarely (if ever) fall in love with the ugly guy. This is fantasy. If you look at reality, most people date those who are similar to themselves in attractiveness. Personality means nothing if there is no physical attraction, and I think we all know this…but we’re somehow afraid to admit it.
    I also laugh at how women blame men for being “shallow” because they think we like them to be skinny or not overweight, yet they’re somehow less shallow when they say they want the guy with a “handsome face.” At least weight can be changed. You’re never going to be able to change your face enough to attract that girl who rejected you.

  • anonymous

    When you love someone from the inside out, they have the ability to become more and more beautiful each day.  My husband is a “bear”; he is chubby, hairy and not the stereotypical beauty.  He is a sweet, loving man and father, so I can’t stop looking at him because all I see is beautiful. 

  • Patriot334

    Cuts both ways. 

    “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
    you got to make an ugly girl your wife.
    So from my personal point of view,
    get an ugly girl to marry you.”

  • Waynelaboy

    not many blacks named justin. who’s starting these convo’s?

  • 4xtra

    saying someone is “ugly” is bad luck, the ones on here who keep saying that …allow all of us to evaluate YOUR PICTURE and Im not talking about some pic that you were all “dolled up” on at some wedding.
    The sistas here in ATL have this weird standard where they feel that the man must have a certain “look” but the ones who always say this weigh 300+ lbs, wear a flea market lookin weave and are average to below looking.
    Why is it that the MAN must “look” a certain way but you can allow yourself to be below his standards. (in terms of looks)

  • Zionstyles69

    I would have to say that beauty is in the eyes of those who are looking. We all see what we choose to and for that matter, we have different taste. Our culture dictates what handsome is as well as beauty. At the end of the day you must make your own choices and be real with yourself. I find it funny when people want to make demands that they couldn’t keep them selves. Our sisters have been seeing changes over the years. Black men have mentally moved and so have our women. What was good 5 years ago won’t fly today. Get my meaning? lol

  • Prometheus

    . . .”Balance,” might just
    influence man-woman relationships. Several times ( about 4) in my
    life, I kept company with extremely wealthy women who wanted to marry
    me while I had no money. The only lady older than me was Chinese &
    owned a chain of hotels. I was not interested. I was on US Army R&R
    in Japan for six days at the time & not interested in marriage to
    any woman – rich or poor.

    . . .But, I always noticed beautiful
    girls & never gave a flip whether a woman had money as I always
    assumed the man is responsible for the bills & supporting the
    family. Later, I married two beautiful women & divorced as I
    found their personalities were incompatible with mine ( a “Shrink”
    might describe them as “classically Schizophrenic”). I
    tended to ignore (based on my life – death experiences in the Army)
    most things they thought important. In essence, I tended to step
    around property and pointless propriety issues that many people
    consider as “…nearly catastrophic.”

    . . .Fairy tale love is entertaining in
    movies but not likely in the real world where we all should consider
    that there is a balance between life and death. That balance is love
    enough to ignore the small stuff.

    . . .”Man and woman is happiness.”
    I would add that man, woman, and children – a family – is also
    “happiness.” Most people in the world will never achieve a
    hugh fortune of money, but they might find happiness when they learn
    what is important between life & death. Physical beauty is not
    much of an answer. Neither is money.

    . . .Within eight months, I will be
    worth several hundred million dollars and it means very little to me,
    except I will buy as many 250 MPH Bugatti Veyrons as I might like, as
    high speed is my only quirk.

    . . . I would trade it all for an
    easy-going woman and about two or three kids.

  • UnitedFront

    For Sadie

    You are 100% correct!  But for the record a DOG is a DOG!  Ugly, hott, skinny, fat, broke, rich, dumb, smart……if they’re gonna cheat, they are gonna cheat! 

    So IF you are found by one who wants to stay ON PURPOSE, then hold on tight. 

    •  This is actually funny!  There are too many black babies being born today for any of this “holding out for the pretty men” stuff to actually be true.

      Now, I’m all for sistas going for theirs.  Aim high!

       Just don’t look to the brothas you passed over like off-sale fruit as shoulders to cry on when the “fine ones” hit it and quit it. 
        Average brothas, who the vast majority of us are…take notes on this. They’re telling you you’re not wanted.
      Listen to what these women are saying. 

      They’re handing you a p*ssy passport to “travel abroad.”

       We’ll send you a postcard.


      • Waynelaboy

        to travel to a different broad.

  • Torontochick

    I would never, ever date an ugly guy. After doing that twice and getting my heart stomped on, I realized jerks come in all physical types, so if you’re going to date a [potential] jerk, he might as well be a hot one!

    Incidentally, I am now living with a non-jerk who is slightly out of my league, physically-speaking. DO NOT SETTLE.

  • Royalmocha

    Who wrote this! a 10 year old! beauty is different to everyone! grow up

  • Icon-2010

    They don’t…They fall in love with ugly men’s money…

  • Connie

    Sorry but when considering a man  for a husband, looks is not a the top of the list. Looks cant pay bills and handle business. I need someone that is smart and business savvy. I don’t want myself or my children worried about the lights going out because pretty Ricky doesn’t have a brain in his head and thinks he is too cute to work hard for his family. I must be attracted to him but he doesn’t have to be Denzel, Morris or Idris.

  • Homeboy

    “… or use some other euphemism to illustrate that
    homeboy isn’t a banger.”Wow, author….you surely aim high in life. Oh wait, it’s the ‘man’ that keeps people down. Riiiiight

  • Jbimb

    i dated an ugly guy in my 20s.  ol’ boy had a jheri curl, gold crown in the front, an overbite, was shorter than me, & wore every piece of gold (nugget especially) jewelry he could find.  why did i bother?  because he treated me well & we had fun.

    unfortunately the relationship lasted just under 2yrs because he couldn’t explain our relationship to me.  i thought we were headed to something deeper, but he was happy as things were.  he tried to come back once i broke it off, but by that time i had moved on. 

    we should not be so quick to judge someone based on looks.  there is only ONE denzel washington, idris elba, billy d. williams, etc.  if he treats you well & makes you smile, that should stand for something…

  • Wow I an very touched by this article for it has made me realize that men also have the ability to love beyond looks even tough we all want a stunning statue for a husband I have come to realize that God made every one perfect in their own right we just need to stand from another angle and view them the way God does. You may have a perfect looking man with a rotten heart or you may have a fair looking man with a heart of gold. I also believe with age you tend to look beyond looks as you are now looking for a partner and not just a face to look at every day remember beauty is in the eyes of the beholder whether the first man or woman that see’s you says you are unattractive the next one will think you are a sight for sore eyes.

  • Llg930

    Very well said!

  • Kariward2

    I think if you really like someone… their personality makes them appear more attractive. It isn’t until you fall out of love that you look back and say, “Wow, they really weren’t that cute!”
    Also, if you have ever been cheated on and are the slightest big insecure in your relationships, it is best to date someone who is clearly not as attractive as you. Why? Because they and everyone they know knows… they probably won’t do any better and they would be stupid to brake things off or cheat.
    Do you think Seal would ever cheat on Heidi Klum? No, never! That would be ridiculous !!
    I imagine he worships the ground she walks on. And I am sure she appreciates his inner beauty and loves being wooed my his romanticism. Think “A Kiss from a Rose”…

  • Hollyberryholly

    Wow, there sure are a lot of angry, unhappy people on this website. I didn’t even realize at first that this is a “black” website; this is my first time here, I’m a white, middle-aged woman.

    My first husband was a smokin’ hot Hispanic man, fabulous face, great body (at least when I was 18 and he was 22). But he was an evil, bitter man on the inside who abused me for 17 years physically, emotionally, and verbally, until I finally escaped. Basically his feelings of inferiority made him need to beat me down every chance he had, to prove he was better than me. We have one son who looks like his dad on the outside, but is fortunately a lot more like me on the inside – strong and caring. Now, my ex’s face reflect his years of being an unhappy, mean, dissatisfied person.

    My current husband is white, overweight, not much to look at, but TO ME he is attractive. Why? Because he treats me with love and respect. He doesn’t try to control me or tell me what to do. He supports and encourages me. To me, those are qualities that keep me coming back for more. His insides are beautiful, and always will be, no matter how old we get together. Not to mention, great in bed!

    Ever think that blind people fall in love, too? ALL they see is the inside.

    I am a nurse in a maternity unit. I rarely see couples anymore that are of the same race. Most of the white and Hispanic women have black baby-daddies. 65-70% of our patients are unmarried, BTW. Those with more than one child usually have multiple baby daddies. When I have a patient (of ANY race) who is married to their baby-daddy, and her previous child(ren) are with the same guy, I just about fall off my chair. If biracial relationships bothered me, I wouldn’t have married my first husband, but seems like no one partners with their own race anymore.

    The quality of young men today is pathetic. Few of them are employed. Most drink/smoke/do drugs. I don’t mind a few tattoos (have a few of my own) but guys, don’t cover your whole friggin’ body with them. And for @#$% sake, pull up your damned pants. No one wants to see your ugly underwear. When you look back at photos of yourselves when you are my age, you’re going to cringe. I grew up in the 1970s – there was a reason why both sexes wore tight pants back then. There is just something very nice in a tight, well-formed backside. Well-fitting pants show this attribute off to perfection. Droopy, sagging pants with the crotch somewhere around the knees just make you look stupid. Especially since you always need one hand to keep them on. Guess they just don’t realize how ridiculous they all look, walking around always groping at their pants. Get a job. Treat your woman with respect. Help out with the baby once in a while – after all, you helped create that new life.

    Young women aren’t any better. They all seem to be attracted to thugs and losers. Today’s women have no interest in finding jobs or educating themselves. They all just want to sit at home, reproducing every 12-18 months, collecting their government money for overpopulating the planet, and letting their own mothers do the actual raising of their children. And again, they must like variety, since every baby has a different daddy. My hospital is one of the busiest in California, about 500 deliveries per month, so I know what I’m talking about.

    Sorry my comments on attrativeness (external and internal) turned into a rant on today’s society in general. But I guess my whole point is, think long and hard (no pun intended) before you hook up with someone. Is this person someone for the long haul, or just tonight? You might want different things for the two kinds of connections. When you’re in a relationship and seeing it as long term, look for the qualities that will last a lifetime. Looks fade; true beauty is forever.

    • WTF??? Thanks for stating you were white and middle aged AKA most likely unattractive. That being said….Blacks make up the largest ‘Hispanic’ population. Your ignorance is mind boggling, especially since women now outpace men economically. Guess older women like yourself aren’t getting any smarter.

      • Waynelaboy


    • guest

      Your generalization about young women is just too funny… As a young, educated, and married young woman, I have seldom come across other young women who aspire to chase after “thugs and losers”, or have a different father for each of their children. As a matter of fact all of the young women I know are educated, and have successful careers and relationships.

    • Waynelaboy


  • shoedivadr

    Unattractive men are better in bed…

    • Waynelaboy

      i don’t know, i am straight but with the diversity of so many different people i would guess that sometimes that’s true and sometimes that’s false. i’ve had lights and gas turned off by women, vehicle keyed, some said that they would post pics on trees saying that i was gay and some even went to neighbors houses telling them that i was gay, rags with gas and lit on fire left on the porch because they were angry about a breakup. police started to know me by my first name and started calling me out as they passed by. while i am not ugly i can say that i know what i am doing in bed… and again i am not ugly so it’s true sometimes and false sometimes…

  • Gabbie

    Sorry that was D’Angelo and Raphael Saddiq you were referring to, my dear. 

  • Waynelaboy

    it’s just true

  • Waynelaboy

    take off the make up and wig or weave and most of you are on the same level as the man you call unattractive.

  • But my daughter’s father was an ugly man on the inside and the outside. You win some and you lose some.

  • As a result the baby is so that if I saw the baby, I would offer no comment.

  • 30+ women of course is going to make it about character, lI want to see 20+ year old saying that & proving it with the men they pick

  • Raven

    First of all not every black woman want a Boris Kodjoe, Denzel, T.O. There are attractive black women with black men who to other people are unattractive. That is a lie that women of other races grow out of their bad boy phase, the majority of the men especially those of celebrity status are considered “bad boy they find attractive. Why is it that black men never grow out of their we have to have a mixed/exotic/ woman phase?

  • Some women are concerned about looks and others just see the heart of the men. 

    I used to think that women judge men by their looks. But, now I realize the truth. 

  • Algreen2

    well i’m sure he’d be grateful for the compliment. *sarcasm*

  • Pingback: Postscript « what's a black girl to do?()

  • Chiffon

    I tend to find supposedly ‘unattractive men’ to have more of a unique look than those who are normally deemed attractive.
    Sometimes I’m attracted and sometimes I’m not.

    After all, looks are supposed to be subjective.

  • Birdistheword82

    I was first attracted to my husband’s shyness in high school, I was shy as well but him being shy made it easy for me to talk to. One day in class both of our lab partners were absent and I asked if he’d be mine and we’ve been together ever since. He is the most respectful loving classic “nice guys finish last” type of guy; he went unnoticed because he wasn’t screaming out “Hey Ma what”s your name is” lol. I digress…

    I love my husband and find him attractive not only because of his looks but how he is as a person. My friends told me that they did not find him attractive but after he went on a trip with us they couldn’t help fall in love with the way he treated me. I hoped that after that they would’ve changed their mind about how they view men but not one of them did and they are all pushing 40 with no boyfriend, husband or kids.

    If a man treats you right and has a job give him a chance. Don’t be picky about the job either, nothing wrong with dating the garbage man that comes every night and treats you right 🙂

  • MissmeLing

    The Dream is not Ugly!! Just Chubby..Now Seal and Heidi Klum would of been a better portrait for the article… come on..how could you guys bypass that…!!!



  • Therihh

    Hip hops fault

  • Therihh

    Hip hops fault

  • xyz

    why is being with a not so attractive person 'settling'?

  • Cora

    Okay, a lot of you guys are talking about u would date an "average" guy. I think most ppl would, and would be comfortable. But this article is about "ugly" men, not average. Ugly is below average. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone who doesn't think they are a turn off. Don't date a man if you can't even stand to look at him, cuz I bet a man won't date a woman HE can't stand to look at!

  • Cora

    Rick Ross just came to mind

  • Old soul

    Ever notice that when you fall for someone they start to look better to you? Lol

    • And, if you find out how the person really is, you may be less attracted and concerned about him/her too. 

      If you like someone because of his/her character, then you would or could be attracted to that person anyway. 

    • Nope. Now I did have some boyfriends that were just too pretty to look at. I would look at them and say guess what they are still fine? Maybe that is why I lowered my standards, pretty boys probably don’t act right.

  • beauty

    @ Sam Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I think I can do better and I should leave him. But I really love him so it’s hard. Sometimes I try to ignore him when he’s been mean to me but I always end up running back to him because I miss him. And he always tells me he likes me and he misses me when I try to move on with other guys. I want to be his wife one day.

  • Miss

    I've dated two very unattractive guys in my life and have friends who have fallen hard for unattractive guys. Bottom line: All of us were done wrong. Uglies will dog you out just like cuties. I was brainwashed to think that unattractive dudes will love beautiful women because they are happy she's considering them and will treat her the way a man should; as opposed to the "fine guys" when, actually, a lot of them were looking for the opportunity to be dogs themselves.

    It's about character at the end of the day…or lack thereof….NOT appearance.

    • If the person treats you right, then you should fall hard for them. At least I would, it wouldn’t matter the looks but may I say when I was younger, I was very shallow. I was a queen Diva. True ugly guys when they are dogs, it stinks a lot more so.

    • Furaha360

      I have done the same. Thinking that dating guys not-so-on-my-level would cherish me more. And when they DO dog you out… you feel like you’ve played yourself, two fold: Settling(1) for Shrek(2). …I get it.

  • raandom rogue

    lol lol after that huge headline over a picture with the dream u put a little note at the bottom saying the dream is not ugly? u sunk urself with the use of the headline and the picture if i were the dream i wudnt forgive u. in fact i'd sue u for using my pic with ur story/commentary and i'd sue u fo calling me ugly! P.S the dream is dang ugly! lol

  • Steelcitychick

    Beauty is truely in the eye of the beholder!
    I’ve dated both good looking men and geneticaly challenged men, and I’ve always fallen hard for the not so good looking men!
    Maybe its because they need to bring more to the game, but I love the fact that they do!……looks aren’t gonna be with us forever, but a stimulating personality and a great mind, hopefully will!

  • Janay

    Not to mention Jennifer and Eric from BBWives. A man that ugly shoujld be glad to have the companionship of any woman. But by continuing to entertain these ugly men you are creating monsters in society.

  • Janay

    No that is not what black women want. Would they like it if they had amazing looks or body OF COURSE but is not NEEDED. So would you in a femal counterpart. What Im saying is if a woman looks like Christina Milian why would I settle for the Dream. This subject is just about women who settle for men 10 brackets below them in the looks department so often that men generally expect this. That is a problem and theres no way in hell would men reciprocate that.


    its quite sad this whole “looks” thing is getting out of control. men want women that are BEAUTIFUL but at the end of the day the may have what it takes to get a man but not to keep that man. and women do settle for the man who provides the most. beauty doesnt equal happiness in relationships. its more for bragging rights. i know people who are dating each other b/c he/she is so fine but bills arent paid, struggling to find jobs, etc. what beautiful person cant pay bills if thats what there using to get by in life.

  • beauty

    A lot of people consider me very beautiful by the way. And he knows it, so he doesn’t let me do certain things so I won’t get cocky.

    • guest

      Lol! You sound like a fool.

      • Sam

        SHAME ON YOU!!!!! this is a young girl!

    • Sam

      Beauty, ignore this a**hole "guest"!!!

      you're a young girl with your whole life ahead of you so I'm gonna keep this simple: leave that loser!!!! If you're too passive to deal with him face-to-face send him a text (yeah it's tacky but he's mean, your both young, and whatever). And by the way, tell your parents about this loser since he sounds like a bully and an abuser (he's at least emotionally abusive, a trait which makes him EXCEEDINGLY ugly!)

  • beauty

    I’m with this guy now that many people consider not in my league. I’m in high-school, and before I even began talking to him, this guy and his friends would stare at me everyday. Well I must say I never thought of him as attractive until we began talking. Now I really like him a lot, its mostly cause he gives me so much attention. But he doesn’t always treat me good, he’s one of those manly men who won’t let me do what I want when I want. And I’m one of those passive type of girls.

  • Vandellish

    To all the healthy and intelligent black women who date, mate or befriend those of us with 'lesser traits' I just wanna say THANK YOU!!!
    Everybody can't be Denzel you know lol

  • rene

    What is Dream's problem anyways? He divorced her before the baby was born. SMH!

  • miss k.

    I know that looks are subjective, but they are important to me. Maybe it's because I'm relatively young. If I'm not attracted to someone, I can't force the chemistry. Many people have told me that attraction can grow over time, but I have yet to experience that. At this point in my life, that option sounds like settling. On the flip side, I DO AGREE that many good looking men and women have nothing else going on (aka. dime on the outside – 50-cents on the inside).

    • Vandellish

      Nothing wrong with that. You might as well get what you want out here. It's your life after all plain and simple. Attraction is unexplainable sometimes. I've known women over the years who've wanted to date me but I wasn't attracted to them for whatever reason (reminded me of my sister, had an annoying voice, related to a close buddy, wore too much makeup/weave, etc.) but my friends thought they was fine as sh!t. Go figure.
      I agree that you can't force chemistry. That'll be my response the next time this comes up.

  • Janay

    And also I have a great boyfriend whom I would assume most would consider us both attractive by both sexes.And he still treats me well. I dont feel I need an ugly man to treat me well. I can find both an attractive male and a good guy all lumped up in one. you ladies can too

    • Vandellish

      Y'all make excellent points especially how powerful men have made it seem trendy to have the beautiful woman get with the average or unattractive male. Still, it's a matter of YOU and what's attractive to YOU. Some of these women who you may feel are 'lowering their standards' or 'settling' may actually feel like their man is the sexiest thing they know.
      Attraction, or the lack of it, is just weird. For instance, I've never been attracted to Janet Jackson, Alicia Keys or Lauren London. I know a lot of men that would kill for those girls so they must be attractive but just not to me. Different strokes….

  • Janay

    Thats all Im sayng Hun. Women bear the brunt of looks way more than men. But in the black community its even worse. Whoever said that about Brad PItt, of course I know most white men dont look like Brad Pitt. That wasnt my point. My point was most white women seem to find a man as equally attractive as them. Black women on the other hand due to the small dating pool are dating men who are waaay out of the looks bracket. Its not balanced. And men rule the world so of course they will push an idea that they can be ugly while women can be attractive. I never saw anything in the bible about women being born with no eyes or appreciation for looks as men do. But if we dont expect more we wont get more. Its so bad that women are saying "I dont like pretty boys" and it may not even be a pretty boy its just an attractive guy.

    • Ashlan

      I have seen a lot of white women and other non black women with men of all races who others might think as ugly  

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  • Sensible Sista

    Select never settle ….. beauty is in the eye of the beholder…. my Denzel might be someone's else male Medusa… to each his/her own.

  • OSHH

    ^"selfish to the core"

  • Janay

    If you don’t believe me just look at the 80s and 90s. Male entertainers had to be just as attractive as women. Somewhere in the 00s they don’t even bother to give black women quality looking men to entertain us, although the standard in looks for women has been raised by the ugliest men. But I can tell you most men don’t want to hear what I have to say about this subject. Men do NOT want women to factor in looks as they do because they don’t want the social pressures involved with keeping up with appearance (cosmetic surgery etc)…they do NOT want that type of burden so they advocate women who see past looks while they do the exact opposite.

  • Janay

    There is a difference between average and ugly. Nothing wrong with an average looking person looking for an average looking person. It’s unhealthy and unbalanced when beautiful women give ugly men play and ugly men have high standards in women. It becomes unhealthy for the woman because why are You letting a guy who looks like a gremlin tell you how to look? I bring up celebrities because let’s be honest Hollywood and rap have large influence on our people because were impressionable. When women are dying from breast implants, butt implants etc while men remain fat ugly out of shape I will always feel the same about this issue.

    • Benniyanna

      Damn Janay you took the words right out of my mouth society plays a huge role in ugly guys dating beautiful women because ugly dudes now got the nerve to have such high standards in women i'm mixed brazilian and i am very attractive i can't stand when i go to the club and a Cocky a** ugly dude comes up to me trying to spit game and then try to get mad when i don't give them any play i swear i blame lil wayne he got these gemlins feeling extra confident

  • Brodie

    Just have a nice face; good skin, teeth, manscaped, and lips. I like a little bit of belly, just no man-tits.

  • candice

    i think the definition of beauty and good looks changes as you grow. when i was younger i loved me a p.r with long braids. now i wouldnt DARE look at someone with braids because in my eye and the world i live in, long hair = unsuccessful. My husband is a southern white man with hazel eyes and a slight pudge and EVERYTIME i look at him i know why i did =)

  • L-Boogie

    I think 'ugly man' is a harsh term. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder for both men and women. However, I have met some men who were extremely attractive because of their intelligence and charisma. Beauty is not only looks let us remember that before we start calling people ugly!

    • L-Boogie

      Plus, the Dream is not ugly. He has a teddy bear quality to him. Plus, his music is great!

      • Gabbie


  • Bad girl

    Well I know my bf is not cute but he goes to medical school so that makes up for evverything.

    • ohio_lovejones

      what if he was a history major lol

  • Sue

    The heart is ignorant of appearance.

  • clevagirl1922

    Did she say "has taco meat"? LMAO

    I have generally passed over fine men once I got burned once by a super attractive brotha who apparently knew it and flaunted it. Everybody seemed to know intimately how "FOINE" he was. Once I figured out that the good, stable but average looking man had my back, that's how I rolled. Now I'm happily married to an average brotha who treats my like a priority whereas "Mr. Super Fine" treated me like an option.

  • tregabnet

    if u love a person, u love them for who they are and they qualities they posses-not what they look like. looks arent everything. looks do fade.

  • Janay

    I dont think white women or other races of women who are beautiful downgrade in the looks department with their choice in a male HALF as much as black women. Yes Seal Heidi Klum is for sure an example but Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt is more the rule. White women understand that they have eyes too and would like to wake up to an attractive man ESPECIALLY if they are extremely attractive. The lack of quality black men in our dating pools has conversely caused us to settle and look past the looks department. I dont think its a good thing. I dont think its healthy especially when the ugliest of men (lil wayne,rick ross,) have the most confidence and they have they audacity to expect no less than a bad b****. Its quite twisted if you ask me because women are dying out here trying to keep up with what some ugly rapper said.

    • Jermaine

      Janay for such a loud mouth female, you sure think highly of yourself. I cant take some who calls another person ugly when they themselves dont have a picture of themselves up seriously. The women who cry and talk about ugliness usually are ugly themselves, many compensate because of their own ugliness.

      You an Ugly Alex wek looking female talking about what a man wants and have the audacity to talk about Lil wayne and talk about attractiveness when you seem to be missing the issue. The lack of quality black men is because their is a lack of quality Black women.

      You cant downgrade when you are a downgrade and blacks and black women are downgrades. If you are talking about downgrades in looks then black women are their in spades. I dont get where black women assume they are beautiful women that call the shots. The black race is an ugly race and group.

      Thank you and good night

      • SayCheese

        Ewww and your name is Jermaine. That sounds like some ugly ghetto trash name. I bet your sister is named LaFred and is a downgrade to the whole family. Oh oops I mean parent, not family. Because I know it was just you and your 6 other siblings and downgrade gutter hoe Mama living in 1 room project apartment.

        Also last time I checked Alex Wek was a world known super model. Walking down the runways of some of the greatest fashion designers. What modeling jobs have you had? I think I saw you once, your picture was posted at http://www.peopleofwalmart.com.

        • Reese

          Girl, don't let it offend you. Him and Jordan both got butt hurt by us discussing ugly men so you know what they look like because they are so offended that us black women who they are supposedly not attracted to don't want their ugly asses. And yes you can't even get a "so called ugly bw".

      • Reese

        Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I do wonder why you are even on the bw website. And bet you are Jordan. You both just happen to pick Alex Wek who is a very successful model. And both commented at the same time. But anyway everyone has an opinion. Hell you don't have to date bw/bm if that is the way you swing. Nobody is worried about dating you. If you are trying to offend try harder.

      • Llg930

        Jermaine you must be blind, some of the most attractive people i have  seen are black. I think you got up on the wrong side of the bed.

    • Diaryofacoolkid

      I see what you’re saying about not settling, however, your point gets lost in your ridiculous argument and comparisons. Where are you getting your statistics from that “white women or other races of women who are beautiful downgrade in the
      looks department  (don’t downgrade) with their choice in a male HALF as much as black
      women”? You’re missing the whole point that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is beautiful to you may not be beautiful to me and vice versa. YOU may not find Seal attractive but there are plenty of women (black, white, whatever) who do! And YOU may think that Heidi Klum is faaaar more “beautiful” than Seal but there are plenty who probably don’t. It’s who you are in the inside. Hollyweird is the worst “example” to use…just look at the divorce rate. Besides if you want to use tradtional standards of beauty…Angelina was married to Billy Bob first, Julie Roberts was with Lyle Lovett, etc, etc. There are many example of “attractive women” with “unattractive men”.

  • Janay

    Honesly I think the many beautiful women with ugly men is the manifestation of this whole "low standards/small dating pool/small number of available" crisis going on with black women. And art is imitating life so many artists are doing the same. Yes I do think women are not as visually motivated as men but I think alot if it is black women settling for so long that ugly has been become cute just as unemployed men have become appealing. I think if the issue of quality black men lacking was reversed, many black women would put more focus in looks. But these days guys as ugly as Rick Ross, Gucci Mane etc etc have the nerve to make their requests for beautiful women known. They do this because they know the pickings for black women are smaller and smaller.

    • Jordan

      ??????? Crises with black women? You do know that for those gucci manes and RIck Ross, their are as equal ugly black women. FOr the beyonces there are the Alex weks, I dont know who told you but the majority of black women are not winning the Miss Universe Contest and that is real.

      Black women look like black men in wigs, so at the end of the day black men still lose.

      • Reese

        You sound like you have really bought into the European standard of beauty. Alex is not ugly and her husband is white and successful so how exactly are bm losing. And you do have an option if you feel that way date a non bw.

        • miss k.

          ALEC Wek is her name. I will not justify the rest of Jordan's argument…

  • Ashley

    I totally agree with this article. As you get older what's "attractive" to you changes. Don't get me wrong, Morris Chestnut will always be a FINE black man but at the end of the day he's not the man I want to go home with. He's not the man that makes me feel special and that I could talk to all night. I have smart, funny, slightly chubby man that is absolutely beautiful in my eyes and I could not be happier.

    • UnitedFront

      Well atleast you’ve got a man!    And I don’t know ANY woman that would pass on Morris Chestnut…….he always leaves me in the mood for more chocolate. 

    • Amatullah

      Well I duno… I always found slightly chubby men a lot more attractive than skinny ones or muscley ones with “v-shaped” anything. Skinny men’s bones stick out and poke me, and muscley men have no soft spots at all.. very uncomfortable to cuddle or use for a pillow. I like my men chubby with a very handsome face!

  • Kimmie


    • Candy

      Hell yeah!


    Yes, we are. You see, we know you ladies want us. We also realize that we have our pick of the litter when it comes to women, and we often exercise our options as frequently as we can.

    • BoomBoom

      ROFL, Daywalker you as fine as urkel, who you kidding brotha, ROFL what a joke.

  • IllyPhilly

    Why yall put Dream? Lil' Wayne and Lauren London woulda been better. Cuz he is mugly!!!

    • Bey and Jay

      or Bey and Jay!! lol

  • R. girl.

    My ex lawd help him..is not a banger or handsome by any means…but I did love him and he has been there for me through thick and thin..But looks fade..at the end of the day substance and a good conversation is all a real WOMAN needs…

  • homie

    I've been dating ugly men all my life— only a couple
    of cutie pies along the way.

  • Shakira B-H

    Hell my husband definently aint gorgeous but he is FINE (with a few interestingly weird features), but I LOVE every bit of him. It's funny how your perception of gorgeous changes once you figure out what you really want….

    • Gabbie

      wow I hope you never told him that.

  • JustAshley

    LOL@ this article. I've dated a few Shreks and Gargamel's in my life and it was because they had other qualities that mattered more to me than looks. If you date an unattractive guy you have to do it for the right reasons, and if you don't- the first time that Ugly Duckling starts to act up- you'll be mad at him for being "double ugly" (ugly inside and out) and you'll be mad at yourself for believing the Beauty and the Beast fantasies. #I'mJustSayin' LOL
    And ladies DO NOT let some man tell you he's with an unattractive chick because he likes who she is on the inside. LMAO Truth be told, men are scientifically proven to be "visual creatures", and they are more likely to fall in love "at first sight" than women. Speak to any super handsome guy and he'll tell you that unattractive chick will work triple overtime to keep him by her side while he has to do very little to keep her. *shrugs*


      Yes ugly chicks work twice as hard as the good-looking ones… THEY HAVE TO…

    • reese

      But haven't you seen anyone who everyone said was pretty and you thought wasn't even cute or vice versa. I think some just have different taste.

      • JustAshley

        Beauty or the lack of it, is basically universal. Just because someone isn't my preference doesn't make them ugly.
        Prime example: Punk and JHud. Now Punk is not my preference and from what I've read on here nobody was checking for Jhud either. Punk scooped up JHud when she was overweight and her career wasn't so hot. Now she's lost weight and they start to fight over her desire to dress up for simple outings with him or her friends. (She discusses this in an interview) Suddenly the engagement is over. Wanna know why? Its because that 5 went to a 8 and 8's are harder to control than 5's. You have to compete for 8's. 8's expect things.
        And you ever notice how people who date ugly people never speak on that persons physical attributes? LOL You've never heard Janet say, "Jermaine is FOINE." You never heard Bey say, "Jay is the finest dude in hip hop." Why because they aren't crazy. LOL They know that those men are still ugly. They just love them inspite of their looks. How they feel for them did not make them go into denial about their physical attributes- just like the chick in the article above.

    • Tish

      If you think that the “visual” thing doesn’t vary from man to man, and that some of them do indeed look at personality over looks, you have been brainwashed, and duped. Of course not all men only care about looks, and many women do care about them. We’re all “visual.” However, don’t say try to say that all men are “scientifically proven” to be shallow, because you know that is BS. It’s silly.