They’re what I call shape shifters.
They contort, warp, and misshape themselves to fit into a mold that is sculpted into their perception of the “quintessential girlfriend” for their lovers. They suppress their truest desires and rawest selves – the idiosyncrasies and quirks that shape their individuality – in fear that their differences are too unpalatable for their partners.
“Me too,” are a shape shifter’s favorite words.
“I have this weird obsession with visiting old, haunted cemeteries,” a man would say.
“Me too!” a shape shifter would dishonestly respond.
And there goes the poor shape shifter, enduring trips to timeworn graveyards while unsavory ghosts and spirits follow her home, all because she wanted to impress her new man. Keeping up appearances, she’ll stay up on Google, red-eyed and exhausted, soaking up all the knowledge on age-old burial grounds to win her partner’s approval.
But she doesn’t understand that she’s disappearing.
The more a shape shifter reconstructs herself into a new silhouette, the more she loses sight of her originality – her true, unadulterated self.
“Who are you?” her friends would say after watching her transform into an unfamiliar character – her style, vocal expression, tastes, attitude, and values having transformed right before their eyes.
“This isn’t the girl I know!” they’d say.
But of course, being so absorbed in a relationship where the essence of her individuality has evaporated into thin air, she doesn’t see where they’re coming from. The shape shifter’s doing whatever she needs to do to keep her man – she’s just making a few compromises here and there, right?
See, that’s where she’s wrong.
The woman who dyes her hair blonde ‘til it falls out, the man who tucks away his preference for clean-cut fashion for a more rugged, street-style look, the vinyl collector who throws away his old alternative rock records – all because of their “I don’t want my partner to think we’re incompatible” paranoia – is hardly a “compromise.”
Instead, it’s an unhealthy insecurity that, contrary to what they may believe, does not lead to a stronger relationship. Rather, it’s a fast path to regressing from their own growth and evolution. How can one ever fulfill their journey to self-discovery if they’re too busy trying to be someone else for someone else?
Who cares if he typically dated blondes? Who gives a flying fart if she prefers a more unrefined fashion sense? So what if she doesn’t appreciate your taste in 80’s rock bands?
What shape shifters don’t realize is that someone who is unapologetically themselves is one of the most sexiest traits someone can have – someone who owns their personal style, hobbies, and tastes with confidence, and doesn’t give a flying hoot about who doesn’t like it. They don’t have fear of losing their partners because they understand that having a solid identity is more important than folding and bending to someone’s every will – if their partner does not like ‘em, they know they’ll attract someone who will.
For clarity, of course there’s nothing wrong with experimenting with a partner’s hobbies and getting acquainted with their passions – that is beautiful. But where things take a turn for the worse is when one suppresses the crux of who they are to mold themselves into a new being.
Your partner won’t respect you for your perpetual need for validation and, most unfortunately, you’ll emerge out of the relationship saying, “I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Kimberly Gedeon, founder of The Melody of Melanin, is a content creator and illustrator with nearly 2,000 professional articles published online. You can say hello to her on Instagram or Twitter – she doesn’t bite!
