How the hell, you might be wondering, does one “accidentally” say their lover’s Cock-a-saurus Rex is more like a deflated dinosaur?
Well, erm, you see, my friend – definitely not me or anything – was gettin’ it on with her man in his car after watching Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. Consuming all the visuals of pirate booty and swashbuckling seamen, he wanted to do a little Treasure Island explorin’ for himself, if you know what I mean.
After a little kissing here and a little biting there to hoist his mainsails, that’s when I – erm, I mean – she lowered her vessel onto his plank. And that’s when the boat began to rock, and not in a good way.
“Did it go in?” she wondered with wide-eyed worry.
She sat there for a few seconds pondering if she “missed.” She wiggled a bit for a few moments to get a feel for it – nothing. So she, rather stupidly, opened her big mouth and asked, “Well, erm, so is it inside?”
To her dismay, the answer was yes. “Crap!” she thought, hiding her head in her hands. The car began to reek of crushed spirits and total humiliation. It was like watching a punctured balloon squeal in embarrassment as it deflated out of air.
It was mortifying.
So that is how she accidentally spilled the beans and now she’s wondering, “Sh**! What do I do now? How do I fix this mess?”
She reached out to her fellow guy friend, Jay, for advice. She told him what transpired in the car and he – rather dramatically – grabbed his chest and slid down a wall as if he was having heart palpitations. “You did what? Welp, there goes that man’s ego. Sizzled, fried, and eaten for breakfast. Poor, poor guy,” he said while shaking his head solemnly.
She asked him, “Well, what should I do? I don’t know how to come back from this!” She suggested that maybe it would be in her best interest to counterbalance the blunder by overdramatizing how ‘big’ he is when they knocked boots in the future.
“No!” he said sternly. “He’s going to know you’re overcompensating and it’s going to make him feel even worse.”
“Hmm,” she said, racking her brain for better solutions.
“Honestly,” he added, “I wouldn’t do anything.”
“What do you mean? Like do nothing at all?” she asked quizzically.
“Not a damn thing,” he reiterated. “You see, men have a way of repairing their own egos by changing the narrative. If I were him, I would just tell myself that the only reason you didn’t feel it is because you’re a big friggin’ gaping hole,” he said.
“What!” she exclaimed incredulously.
When she began to protest that she could count the number of sexual partners she’s had on one hand – and there would be a few missing fingers, too – he said, “Listen I know that, but ‘logic’ isn’t factored into our reasoning processes when it comes to repairing our egos! You’re a big gaping hole and that’s that. It’s not me, it’s you.”
She stared at him with a dropped jaw.
“I’m telling you – you don’t have to do anything,” he reassured. “Life will go on, he’s going to band-aid his own ego by giving you the short end of the stick, pun intended, and that’ll be the end of it. Maybe he won’t choose the gaping hole narrative, but he sure as hell is going to big himself up again – even if it’s at your expense.”
She knew Jay was right, but part of her hoped that some good would have come from the unwitting revelation of his not-so-long schlong. Maybe he’d learn a few tips and tricks to compensate for being phallically-challeged? Wishful thinking, I know.
What advice would you give for a sticky situation like this one?
Kimberly Gedeon, founder of The Melody of Melanin, is a content creator with nearly 2,000 professional articles published online about everything from beauty and business to politics and pop culture. You can say hello to her on Instagram or Twitter – she doesn’t bite!
