The Definition of a Mean Girl

October 21, 2011  |  

By: Makeba Riddick

Have you ever wondered why some women, as beautiful as they are, as talented and educated as they are, as accomplished as they are can’t seem to lock down a love that lasts? This syndrome is no respecter of persons. You could be the President of a Fortune 500 corporate company, winner of numerous beauty pageants or even a Hollywood movie star; these are sometimes the main women that cannot secure a husband. Why is that we ask ourselves?

Then we meet the woman who dated her boyfriend for a year only to be married the next. She walks with an astute confidence that screams “I own half the country, negotiating for the other half as we speak.” When we see this woman out with her man, he looks upon her so adoringly as if her feet shouldn’t touch the ground. And then the bitterness inside all of us whispers, “It’s only a fairytale. Men don’t fall in wholeheartedly on this planet.” But that, my friends, is a myth. Not only do men fall in love on this planet, they long for companionship, commitment and emotional intimacy just as much as women do. It’s a known fact. Don’t believe me, well ask yourself, why is it that the men you are not attracted to continue to call, beg and plead for even a coffee date? It’s because your behavior is unknowingly leading this man to chase you.

The woman who can perfect that mystique with a man she’s strongly attracted to is the definition of a Mean Girl.

Being a Mean Girl is a mindset, a lifestyle. She’s not literally mean. In fact, these women are quite sweet with a tad bit of Beyotchiness thrown into the equation. Mean Girls do not chase. They are chased. Mean Girls let men pursue them while they remain in a position of demure femininity. This behavior draws men closer to them as opposed to scaring them off. Most times men run for the hills when a woman applies pressure in the area of commitment. It takes a Mean Girl to ignite the flames of smoldering chemistry in the beginning of a courtship to make a man realize he needs to be with her.

In the Garden of Eden, Adam was a provider and a pursuer. In the book of Genesis in the Bible it speaks of the MAN being the head of the household and initiating the flow of things. When we as women pursue men in any way, this upsets the natural order causing upset and imbalance in a courtship, thus dooming any hopes of a solid healthy relationship being built in the future. Mean Girls know this and live by this type of etiquette in daily life.

Here are 5 steps in the right direction to becoming a true Mean Girl.

1. Make yourself unavailable to him sometimes. No matter how bad you want to see him, let your phone ring to voicemail every once in a while when you know he’s looking for you.

2. Make your own schedule a priority over his and anyone else’s! Do not cancel your own plans because he called you on a whim to come see you. If it wasn’t planned out in advance, no deal!

3. If it takes him 2 days to return your call, wait 3 days to return his.

Example: You called him on Monday and he didn’t call you back until Wednesday morning. Wait until Friday to return his call. 

4. Do not immediately introduce him to your friends and family. Mystery is a huge factor in becoming a mean girl. In the beginning of a courtship, the more mysterious you are the more intrigued your date will be.

5. Make it plain and clear to your man and the world that you are your biggest fan and that anyone in your life must treat you better than you treat yourself. The mindset of a mean girl doesn’t allow taking shorts from any one. So gifts, affection, adoration and the like are not just a given-it’s a requirement!

Men love women who love themselves more…


Makeba Riddick is a Grammy award-winning hit songwriter, behind many of Beyoncé, Rihanna, Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez’ biggest hits. She’s also the co-author of “The Mean Girls Handbook of Etiquette”; a self-help book that equips women with the best practices for navigating the landscape of love and relationships, slated to hit shelves in 2012.  Weekly, Riddick shares personal insights from her successful marriage and contents of the book to empower women, one entry at a time. Follow Makeba on Twitter: @MakebaTheBarbie

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  • Imtoogrownforgames

    As long as there are men who respond to games that women play, women will keep playing them

  • Kellie

    Trust me ladies, playing immature games isn't the way to a long lasting relationship. If a man doesn't call you for days, don't bother counting out the days til you call him back. You want to know why? Because he's just not that into you in the first place. A man who is mature and looking for commitment doesn't waste time screwing around.

  • W. Melissa

    It’s a good approach to not looking desperate, having some self respect, & having control. You play your cards right and you might snag a keeper. What single woman wouldn’t want to be chased anyways? I think a woman chasing a man will make him uninterested. I just know I’m not chasing any man. If he wants me, come get me but I’m definitely not putting in more energy than he is. Thanks, Makeba! Your advice was very on point.

  • Tay210

    The only "One" that works for everyone is Jesus!
    People cant try to live their life as a book, or story. People are different, situations are different so if you go at is as a 123 occasion, your partner will find 678 ways to drop you. Be who you are and know that you are that person. People who write things like this have all the answers but no proof to show it actually works.
    Jesus Saves
    Men just give opinons!

  • Teflon Mom

    LOL – this book has already been written by two white women. Remember "The Rules"? I'm not mad at your hustle, but I see through it and I won't suggest any of my girlfriends purchase this book.

    The Rules book and this book can be summed up in a few sentences: Value your time. Respect yourself. Enjoy your life. The End.

  • Guest

    "Too many Motel-6 females acting like they deserve Hilton treatment."

    Seriously! The problem with many American women today is they want ALL the privileges of equality, but NONE of the responsibility. Back in the day, men paid for everything because /they were the only ones who had money/. Now, with equal access to education and employment, there is NO REASON why a woman can't treat her man the same way she expects him to treat her. When my husband and I first moved in together, I made more money, so I paid more rent. Now that we make the same, we pay the same. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I do. Why? Because we are in a PARTNERSHIP. I'm a grown woman and not looking for a sugar daddy.

  • Really?!?

    Who the heck wrote this bs? Playing games is childish and lame. The sad part is I know women who really will be sitting at home watching paint dry but won't answer the phone when a man calls just to prove a point. That s*** is retarded! If I really like someone I'm not going to waste time playing games. Life is too short for that. I'm not going to be a thirst-bucket either, but I'm definitely not going to do any of the things suggested in this article.I pride myself on being REAL and if I have to stunt or play games to keep a man interested then he's not the right man for me anyway. Some people really need to grow up. Ugh!

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  • It's important to be strong, know your goals and how to achieve them. And be true to yourself.

  • SoTrue

    I still dont understand why i see many "ho's" wifed up, but the educated, religious women are single and childless. Life really isnt fair sometimes.

    • guest

      Agreed! Especially when you were the "clean up" woman.

    • Guest

      "I still dont understand why i see many "ho's" wifed up, but the educated, religious women are single and childless. "

      Perhaps because the women you refer to as "ho's" are simply women who are not afraid of their sexuality. They are probably lovely women, but obviously, you're too judgmental to see that.

  • L-Boogie

    Mean girls get mean boys! Grow up!

  • "Ooops,I meant normal LIFE"!! "My Bad"

  • "It sounds like your conceited or a narcissistic person who think they are "SUPERIOR" to all people period"!! "If a man want you he will chase you it has nothing to do with being a "MEAN GIRL"!!! "Be a mean girl and you will stay a mean girl"!!! "That might apply to celebrities but not to people who live a normal live"!!! "Game recognize Game"!!!!

  • Cam

    Seems like a lot of games. If you like a guy and he genuinely likes you back playing hard to get will backfire. He will eventually see the games. My mom gave me this same advice and I ignored it. Acting like you always ‘have something to do’ will eventually make a man think you have other guys too and he will stop ‘chasing’.

    • Colin Kirkley

      Truth. Don’t ask me how I ended up at this article, but you’re spot on.

      I’m married now, so its no longer needed, my my rule was basically the first time a girl played that stupid game, she never heard from me again. I do/did not have times to be playing ridiculous games with women who think they are too special to put their best foot forward and act like an adult.

      Those same women get upset when a man doesnt want to open up to her immediately. Hypocrisy at its finest and I feel bad for a man who jumps through hoops to get a girl who has to snowjob you into staying with her. Maybe if you were a bit more awesome, you dont have to rely on artificial demand inflation of your time to keep one.

      My two cents.

  • Korea

    She read my mother's handbook… She did the same thing and she'll be celebrating her 30th wedding anniversary next year.

    • Ma Caree

      ‘The Rules’, right? I want to try some of it but I’m also like ugh these are so many games. Because just because you use the book to marry doesn’t mean you are actually like that. How ling can you keep up the charade?

  • Just be YOU and forget these RULES!

  • Puss and dog nuh have di same luck!
    What works for me MIGHT not work for you. Women have happy marraiges either way.

  • Onmybeye

    This woman is out of her mind follow at your own risk. A man who is complete will not go for this. She will not find love in a man, but a weak simp of a human being.


      TELL em!!! I know that "I" wouldn't put up with any of that BULLSHIGGETY that ugly heffa was talking about…..

  • Keep it Real

    My definition and I'm pretty sure the definition of most black men of "mean girls" is completely different from hers. Carryon


      Hell, MINE NEITHER, KIR….

  • Madeline

    I like this, Makeba! MANY MEN have said that the sexiest thing for a woman to have, is something to do! I really think a lot of women don't get this. Many of the things you listed are old school approaches to courtship. The modern, buy a man a drink and take him out (and pay for) a date won't understand this. To each it's own, though. No shade to the go-get 'em types, but, there are perks to allowing men the chase. *CONFIDENT hair toss*

    • Chocolate Bunny

      I totally agree….I would never chase after a man ha!

    • JustAshley


  • Princess Grace

    seems like the rules to a game I don't want to play. Be ladylike, genuine and self-sufficient seems like better characteristic to the game of LIFE instead of with people's emotions

    • guest

      Thanks girl, playing these games is what keeps black women single. If you like a guy GO FOR IT. You don't do too much "chasing" but on the other hand, acting "hard to get" won't help matters either. Dating should be fun, not rule oriented.

    • Princess Grace I agree 100% with what you said…this "mean girls" game is just that A GAME FOR GIRLS..I'm a full grown mature WOMAN so this game does not appeal to me…

    • Brian K

      Its not just black women, but you make a great point. Why can't people just try and be good, and control themselves to only date people who they think are good, and wait until they confirm that before getting deeper. I don't play stupid games and i hate women who do, just be honest and if you are what i want then i will stay, and vice versa. Society now is all about short fun relationships and coming out on top, rather than real and meaningful commitments (for whatever reason).

  • Yvette

    So I'm on the right path already. Thanks Makeba!