While having dinner with one of my best friends around this time last week to celebrate her birthday, we ended up talking about the year that had just gone by and the men who had been a part of it. At the top of the year, she was dealing with a guy who seemed good on paper in the beginning, but ended up being incredibly selfish.
She remarked on the fact that everything they did revolved around him. Whenever they went out to eat, it was at the most basic restaurant chains that he wanted to go to (side note: We live in New York, a food capitol). When they hung out, it was always at his apartment where they did what he wanted to do — sit down and watch TV. And when they had sex, he was usually the only one who would get off.
“He was so selfish,” she said. “Anything that would require him to do the least amount of work was his thing, so I found myself on top more often than not. I would literally have to ask him to give me head, otherwise, he would never do it.”
While he would expect her to go down on him, for my girlfriend, there was reciprocation every once in a while. And just because she asked him to go downtown didn’t necessarily mean that he was going to oblige her. Still, it’s something she says she needs in the bedroom, and something she resents having to ask for.
I guess you could say my friend has been spoiled. She at one time was dating a guy who, to compensate for having a little less, went down on her without being asked, and would go to work until she was fully satisfied. (Honestly, that was probably the best thing about homeboy, because he ended up being quite the liar.)
Unfortunately, the suitors who followed this particular guy wouldn’t go downtown unless they were heavily coaxed. And at one point, she was even told by a guy she was having a sexual relationship with that he felt that such an act should be reserved for someone he was in a serious, serious relationship with. Mind you, I just told you that they’d already started having sex. So basically, cunnilingus was something he just wasn’t comfortable doing and wouldn’t flat out admit it.
But more often than not, it’s been something my beloved has had to deal with: guys who seem more focused on looking out for their own sexual satisfaction. However, I found myself listening to her assessments of her past lovers and thinking, “Well, closed mouths don’t get fed.”
I’m sort of a believer that in the bedroom, certain things shouldn’t automatically be expected. If so, you set yourself up for disappointment. A man shouldn’t expect a blow job from you, just as you shouldn’t expect him to go down on you because you’re both in the bed preparing for intercourse. If it’s something a party is in the mood to give, then great. Otherwise, finding a sexy or playful way to request such acts is the way to go.
Now, if they won’t do it at all, like ever, you can always outright ask why they avoid giving head like it’s the plague. And in some cases, you never know, it may just be something your partner truly is not okay with doing. Some people have things they just outright don’t want to do in the bedroom, and out of respect, it’s best not to try and force it. Instead, you can either work around such issues if they’re worth it, or move on to find someone who is more open to pleasing you by any means. But based on the things my BFF told me about the last few guys she’s dated, including the selfish one she let go of earlier this year, not going downtown on her was the least of his issues…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty to have to ask your partner to go down on you? Or is it petty to expect it?
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