7 Signs You’re the “Obsessive Type”

August 21, 2011  |  

Infatuation is one of the illest feelings when a relationship is new.  You can’t wait to see your new boo, get a call or a text, or a surprise lunch date.  But then, after three months or so, you feel like, maybe, your dude is pulling away.  He doesn’t call as much, so you call more.  He doesn’t call back right away, so 30 minutes later you’re sending him a text wondering why he hasn’t answered your calls.  You show up at his door (even if he lives a hour-and-a-half away) unannounced to treat him to breakfast.  You question why he’s not answering is home phone, and drive by his crib to see if his car is there.  All the while, you feel crazy and desperate, but you can’t stop.

He’s becoming your obsession, and the more you push, the more he pulls away.  “Most obsessive relationships don’t last.  The partner of the obsessive love frequently becomes tired of [the other’s] overwhelming needs” says Monique Belton, PhD, co-author of The Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love.

Dr. Belton gives us some red flags that you can identify in either yourself or your partner.  She calls them “Obsession Alerts”…..

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  • Stellamaris

    These things happen with men and women. Its all plain insecurity! When you work on yourself first, you'll then choose a good partner, not based on his or her looks alone, but also on the personality. Everyone who has loved and been dumped or cheated on, is bound to have insecurities. And that leads to obsession alert, either mild or extreme. I have been there. I've obsessed and been a victim of obsession. I listened to self help tapes and read books thereby, building my self control. Don't we all have somting better to do with our time than obsessing?(just sayin). Cheers…

  • We all need to stop this BS of blaming other people for our misfortune. Blame your damn self for your failure .

  • toto

    What do black women know about successful relationships ! I rarely see black couples, many less black families.

  • Keith BR

    Ooops…; wrong spot. Was meant for "S.L. Blackson" sorry.

  • el Pastor

    You guys and girls want a good partner, first let Jesus fix you, you can not do it by yourself. Then after you are free, Love God with all your heart and you are filled with the Holy Spirit then look for a Spirit Filled person that loves Jesus more than anything else and that includes you. Look at what sin, fornication has done to the human race, rise up ….that is the real dream MLK had….seeing you free from bondage to sin and Saved waitinf for the return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen

  • el pastor

    Well, my 16 years living in this country mostly in a black/hispanic neighborhood and going to high school where it was mostly ack students, and now working with mostly black people, and in a part of the city where most black people live. I cant not put myself in your shoes, but analysing black people i find thr reason why alot are like they are.
    – Alot dont know Jesus or think they do and have some type of cheap Christianity where , the same person leading the worship was just in the club the night before. If you had the Holy Spirit and let him take over , you wouldnt do that.
    – Good manners and respect are not taught, how many times do i hear someone calling and the first thing they say is “yall hiring?” Not even hello good morning, i would like to know if your company is hiring. No, not even. The word excuse me or thank you not used often enough. In my country if you knock s door has to be 3 or less at a time. Manners have to be taught even if you say you are poor,.is not only for high class people. I see so many parents disrispecting their kids, calling them so many words, and hiting them for the wrong reason or wrong timming
    – i see so many angry black people and is becausr of thr previous comments and because their parents didnt treat them right, or they didnt have a dad, even if they have a dad if the dad lacks , then thr kid will grow angry either way
    – music, rap, hip hop, the message is get easy money, have sex, only think about woman and money, nothing else matters, just party drink, have sex with as many beautiful that you can and try to get easy money. This is a plan of thr devil to keep race in the bottom, rise and break those chains, only Jesus can do it follow acts 2:38 and find a church that teaches that. There are no races, there is only one race and that is the human race, creations of God, but the only way to be sons of God is to follow Jesus and turn away from sin. God bless you all

  • wow, I actually feel bad for Numero, this just sounds crazy! good luck.

  • Tracey Ratchford

    You ladies kno some of you have stalkers tendencies!!!! LOL

  • LaQuisha

    You're just sayin this so I'll back off and you can swoop in and steal my man!!!! HOOCHIE!

  • schelle

    I possess one of these traits and that is no trust. I wouldn date a man whom I felt wasn’t about anything because society said so. Unfortunately, men, some of your actions prove that. I trusted my man believed in him, until I found out he was talkin to other girls on the phone. He say hes not sleeping with them but why lie about talkin to them. He is the obsessive one in the relationship and from past relationships and listenin to friends men usually are. Do I still believe in him, yes. Do I trust him, no.I’m big on honesty. You burn me once that’s it.

    • Big Guy On Campus

      Chicks are too antsy about phone conversations, text messages, and opposite sex associates and friendships. Platonic relationships could be possible meaning that NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS between men and women are possible. Why hide it? If the relationship goes soar he has lost a few good people that are apart of his life AND because he already knows you think that it is something there when it is clearly not. My advice: Learn of the friends, who they are as women, and what relationships could she possibly have with other men (could be another one of the guys or even common friends with others). Ask the women about the nature of the relationship, if he would burn you he'd only end up burning them as well. Now when guys are talking to a million females more than likely you got yourself the player player type.

  • rob

    nice info.. but the spelling and editing are not very good..this seems to be the norm on the Internet these days..set yourself apart and try to edit and proofread better..quit relying on spell check.

  • Anna

    This is in no way condoning bunny boiling behavior BUT…

    Immediate Physical Attraction: What happened to "Do it when you're ready?" or "You have to seal the deal soon or else lose him"? And define immediate. And isn't it the "physical" and "first look" what pulls you in the first place?
    Practicing How His Last Name Sounds With Your Name: We all do it so :pppppffffttt
    You Snoop: That's being that you have access to phones and passwords in the first place. Out of sight, out of mind. If he's not showing some iffy behavior.
    You’re Overly Dependent: What happened to "letting your man feel like a man"? Yeah you have to work and you need to keep busy ALONE but what about when he claims that you aren't spending any time or he thinks you're putting your job or your friends ahead of the relationship?
    You Don’t Want Him to Hang Out with His Buddies Anymore: Yeah, but what about when all he does is hang out with his buddies? They take precedence over the relationship. And he can't seem to make a decision about you and him with their consent or a filibuster.
    There’s No Trust: Did he start with that trust thing?
    Forcing the L-word: If he doesn't say it first, I'm not.

  • Sherry Johnson

    Note to the editor. This article was interesting and very imformative. I could have done without all of the misspellings and grammar errors though. I would love to work as an additional set of eyes on these articles, before they hit the web.

    Thank you for your time.
    Sherry Johnson

  • DR23

    I mean of course this is true but why do you females have to point this out You know its true but you are using rare cases

  • lesley

    I think most women or alot of women these tendencies at one time or another in their lives. Some women are able to back off and think about what they're doing and other women are not. I think for most women, it takes so long finding someone your compatible with, someone who won't do you wrong, beat you up, etc. etc. that when you find a good thing you don't want to let go. I agree you have women who go overboard and can get crazy and that's not good for relationship or themselves. If you find you always have to check up on somebody and see what they're up too then you don't really trust them and that's not good; this goes for women and men. Men can be very compulsive too you know, ;).

  • white devil

    Yes… Keep blaming the white man for the black man’s shortcomings. Of COURSE its the white man’s fault that black men are more likely to shirk paternal responsibilities. Of COURSE it’s the white man’s fault that black men are more likely to become flamboyant mysogynistic materialists when they find fame or fortune.

    These men have no strings guiding their actions. The black man’s worst enemy is himself. The failure of so many to take accountability for their OWN actions, instead choosing the low road of racist blame-shilling is what holds these men back.

    Man up. Get up. Get ahead.

  • kat

    Some of these posts make me ashamed to be a human being. I’m a white woman and this article caught my eye. I assumed it was for anyone and everyone that has been in a relationship. All types of people do things like this. And everyone is different in their own relationships. I just don’t understand how half of you can talk this way about other people. We all have blood flowing through our bodies. We all have mothers and we all have problems. Its almost impossible for any adult to be civil to other adults. Its 2011, you know? I go through my everyday life having many encounters with different races and genders and I am never physically harmed to the point that I circle my life around disliking and questioning others. Love is love. People are people. It must be exhausting hating other people. Use your energy for happiness instead. 🙂 I am a 26 year old Jewish woman and I hope everyone here realizes this article can apply to ANYONE. Love and respect yourself and you might do the same for others. The world is a big place. Educate yourself. Allow yourself to do the right things.

  • Jimmy

    Hi everyone! I read CNN on my phone, and once in a while one of these Madame noir article tags will pop up at the end of an article I’ve read.

    I have to say, as a white male I’ve been pretty ignorant to the fact that there were ‘black only forums’ and such. Which, before you jump all over me, I guess there are ‘white only’ ones? I truly have no idea. CNN doesn’t send me those.

    I am offended on behalf of black dudes for the overt racism that takes place here. And then you have Samuel L up there with a tirade about the media. I DO sympathize with the fact that your skin color does in some situations hinder you. And I think it’s ridiculous. But come on, this world is WAY more color blind than it was even 10 years ago. Some of you need to stop making every little thing a polar issue, and accept the fact that not everything is a racial issue. Sure, there are some worthless black men. For every one, there is one just as worthless white one, and probably 6 worthless Chinese ones (accounting for the 2 billion Chinese)

    Back to my point, stop blaming somebody else, or history, or the media, or your idiot dad for YOUR issues. Address your issues, and start living your life.

    And besides, we all know the blacks are old news. We’ve already moved onto, and past, the mexicans (intended gross generalization for any Spanish speaking person) and our new can to kick are the Tans! Sorry, Omar. Which, hmm, I wonder if the ‘Muslim only’ forums carry on, lamenting being tired of ‘worthless camel jockies! I’m goin get me a white man!’

  • proudblackwoman

    Wow, very well said! While I agree there are mostly negative imagesof black men, they may throw a positive image out there every now and then. This is the case to keep our uneducated society thinking the worst about the black race, as well as another clever way to oppress the black race.

  • Alan Jay

    You will not go a single day in America and see the black male portrayed as "wholesome" or "good". — Well, Obama is seen on TV everyday and except for Fox News, he is portrayed as positive–and he is shown in particular as having an intact family unit. 'White me have built a system….' My father shines floors for a living and my uncle washes windows for a living. And my cousin is in jail for armed robbery of a liquor store, and they are all white, so maybe you should consider whether making a blanket statement is an accurate way to assert your views.

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  • Tellitlikeitis

    Wow! I'm a female, and I must say…WELL SAID!!!!

  • Jinxy

    I think you are delusional. How do whites stop you from having a strong family unit? As long as you love the person you are with and treat them and your kids well, you have a strong family unit. I agree that a strong family unit is a fundamental part of society, especially for child rearing. However, you are just making excuses for mediocrity. Be a good example by doing good things, not complaining about how phantom figure is keeping you down. It's hard to take people like you seriously.

  • SheSharpShoots

    Okay, I have read several male perspectives as well as a few from the women. Now it’s time for the solutions. First off, I am a woman.
    1. Make your position on “the Green Eyed Monster” perfectly clear in the very beginning. Make this a actual topic of discussion EARLY. I usually say “you know, I think that the “Green Eyed Monster” emotion is the most worthless emotion we humans deal with” I go on to state that I don’t believe in those emotions. You are either here or you are not.
    2. Have a general discssion (that doubles as a commitment) about how you generally deal with break ups (i.e. what steps you would take if you became interested in someone else).
    I generally will make this conversation part of #1 because it is best if the understanding is understood up front. I usually blend the subjects by simply stating (as if it were a commitment to him to know what conduct to expect from me in that situation) “if I find that our relationship isn’t working or if I become interested in another guy, before I act on any attraction in any way, I will talk to you about it first to break things off and I would appreciate the same courtesey.”
    This way, all the cards are on the table. My partner knows that I won’t react or put up with “the Green Eyed Monster nor will I display those traits. My up front discussion also helps to take away the mystery of what will happen if we break up. I believe that it also helps to cut down on the cheating.
    Now married 25 years. Just my position that worked for me.

  • Ashleigh J.

    Yikes I am always doing 2,3,4 and and 2 and 4 were the reason my last relationship didn't work. I gotta work on myself this is really sad.

  • ThatB#tch

    Your b#tch azz has alot of nerve pointing out bad grammar when your own statement is all tore up with grammatical errors, and misspelled words! I KNOW you're a fat white b#tch. Miserable as h#ll 'cause some black chick stole your man. Stop eating for a minute and maybe your fat azz will actually get laid.

  • MaverickLaw

    Speaking of media portrayals, why are most of the women in the pictures dark-skinned..& we can barely see the faces of the two who aren’t

    • proudblackwoman


  • cyrus

    ure kidding right…90 percent of these arent obsessive…and i got a feeling that 90 percent of people replying ‘pro’ the article have cheated….going thru a phone isnt stalking unless u both agreed to go thru each others phone…most importantly…whats a good reason for hiding ur phone…this article is about nurturing bad relationships…like…to be an unobsessive person…date a guy but never have expectations of getting married…leave it to chance…why say ‘i love u’ to someone u dont wanna live with…if u dont love someone dont say it….why is saying i love u sucj an issue…2. U shouldnt snoop….lol isnt that good news for every cheater and player…my thots? Pure rubbish….both partners should be open cos u dont just go making urself a victim like an idiot….

  • I dated a guy like that, called me all times at night, especially when I'm sleeping, snooping in my phone, and etc. Now I'm with a guy that I've been seeing for 3 months and we're taking it slow, not even sexual yet, just wanting to get to know each other.

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    • proudblackwoman

      "Funny how people finally understand the hidden agenda" is the only thing you wrote that makes sense…..

  • Funny how people finally understand the hidden agenda. There’s another term or name behind it, but once mentioned- ppl swear you’re delusional…

    • proudblackwoman

      Lolita, you are so right. Some white people deny everything that happens to blacks because they are not experiencing. I bet if the tables were turned they would want blacks to acknowledge what was happening to sabotage and oppress their race. Sad. Really sad…

  • Elcy

    Wow, this post should be titled "7 ways to run a man off". Women (and men) read Oprah's 25 relationship tips http://www.theglamrus.com/2011/08/must-read-oprah… if you find yourself doing any of these 7 things.

  • shelourb

    @Samuel blackson you are right!!! It’s sad because most African descents are not aware of the power of media. I only know such because media is my major…I really wish AA get it together.

  • Miss_Understood

    I have done the last name thing but really that’s something we start with as little girls, writing our crushes names in our notebooks. I have also snooped. I’ve done it only after I have a reason to believe that I’m being lied to and played but I don’t have any “solid” proof. EACH time my suspicions were proven correct and I dropped those fools (2) right on the corner! Before anyone says “if you look, you’ll find” stfu because if it’s there, it’s there, regardless if we look or not. Some folks just believe ignorance is bliss.

    None of these aspects are things that solely women are guilty of, I’ve experienced and know of many examples of obssessive men.

    • Eric B.

      Who does this stuff unless she does the dirt. I can ask other women and watch they tell me if you aint cheat she cheating guilty ass. If she got her phone password protected that proof right there. Say how many male friends do you have and believe it is a n*gga ready to take your spot cause she email and texting her fingers off. They play the role and flip it. You need to go read #7. Not gone say those men aint do it but if you do not know with who how do you know? That is the paranoid sh*t women do. YOU CHEATING YOU CHEATING, cause it is her. I bet you one of em got done grimy cause it was you. And for the record not all men cheat sweetheart. You right though men get obsessive too only when they love you women do it to do it.

  • Yardie

    Negro nobody gonna wait around till you get a job. I'm gonna get me a white man.

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  • legemeaux

    Hmm, interesting. I think I spent most of my dating years on the opposite end of the spectrum….knowing that something would go wrong eventually and prepared to break up at the slightest transgression. It's two sides of the same coin, really. Inability to sustain a healthy relationship due to daddy/self esteem issues.

    • SoTrue

      A like button isn't enough for your comment – it needs a "love" button as I completely agree with you!!!

  • numero uno

    truth be told!!!

  • Mrs.A12

    WOW! That was a powerful word Samuel! Thanks

  • Stanley

    Every woman I have dated displayed one or more of those sh*t.

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