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Reader Submission by Casimir Spencer
It took a long time for me to come to grips with the fact that my father suffers from a personality disorder.
As a child, he was mostly absentee, only coming around every now and then, talking about his past relationship with my mom and how he loved her so much, only to turn around and run off for another eight years. He missed birthdays, holidays, school programs, piano recitals, and church functions. He seemed to disappear when asked for financial assistance or whenever he had something better to do. I remember the time he promised to take me for a day of swimming. I waited all day for him to pick me up; he never showed. My first heartbreak, at eight years old. I’ll never forget it and I don’t think I’ve ever completely gotten over it. It would be six years before I’d see him again.
During his absence, I had grown into a 14-year-old young lady who often felt badly about herself and hid her feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem in journals I hoped no one would ever find. It was embarrassing to know that I was unwanted and so insignificant to someone who was so important to me. I learned that my had had a son during this absence — a son he paraded around, bragged about, and brought over to my mother’s house so I could meet him. Another slam. He never did that for me. He never took me around many of his family members, and when he did I was met with questions and thin-iced comments of disapproval regarding my mother and her feelings toward my father. This was yet another reminder that I was insignificant and not good enough. My self-esteem took another hit. Not only was I barely liked at school, but my own father didn’t think much of me either. The kids at school must be right, I thought.
After so many years of his absence and cruel emotional treatment, I finally let him have it (as my mom so often did in my defense). But as I explained how much he had hurt me, he would cut me off with his own feelings surrounding his inadequate childhood, memories of my mom, his parents, and his current situation in life. When I was able to get a word in edgewise, he’d sigh with boredom, frustration, criticism and pure aloofness to his child pouring her heart out. He would also yell, scream, and spew profanities at me if I was too critical of him. And when I’d explain my grievances in person, the disconnect and boredom was written all over his face through rolled eyes and fingers frustratingly massaging his head. He used guilt, rage, shame and frustration to devalue and minimize my feelings. To him, they didn’t matter one iota.
Many more years and instances of emotional abuse via abandonment ensued and my self-esteem and sense of worth continued to take hit after hit. Growing up, I used to tell friends about a faux father who was kind, who supported and adored me. I would imagine him being of various racial backgrounds, socioeconomic circumstances and living in various places around the world. He had no real identity because I didn’t have a real identity to compare him to, as I knew absolutely nothing about my real father; I still don’t. I would often say my parents loved each other but it just didn’t work out. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. Sadly, my father is anarcissistic character who never loved or cared for anyone but himself. He is an empty shell who fills himself up through the manipulation of others, myself included. He simply uses people as chess pieces to get through life. Whether he uses people for money, a place to live, or temporary companionship, the nonreciprocal receipt of something for nothing remains constant. Out of my 33 years on this earth, my father has spent a total of two weeks with me. And in those two weeks, he has exploited my desire to be close to him for his own benefit. And that benefit was simple: Attention. I was hungry for his affection, so whenever he’d come around I’d come skipping, ready to give the attention he never gave me, much less deserved.
Now, as a college-educated and career-driven woman, he boasts to family and friends (strangers too) about his successful, beautiful baby, as he puts it. But he fails to tell them he had nothing to do with it. Instead, he uses my accomplishments for his own self gain. After all this time, he’s still exploiting me for attention and self gratification. And he still attempts to manipulate me. He exploits his illness as a means to extract guilt and attention from me but I no longer submit. I have tried desperately over the years to establish a real and authentic relationship with him but that has been impossible due to his desire to only receive and not give. His selfishness and self-absorbed behavior has proved the reality of a loving father-daughter relationship to be completely unrealistic. Until recently, I was OK with our limited “relationship,” which consisted of occasional 25-minute phone calls and brief text message conversations when I had the energy to be his audience. But during the weekend, I decided to end this “arrangement” for good.
Recently, I’ve been experiencing gripping career and financial hardships, and as a result, I’ve also been experiencing pretty heart wrenching emotional issues. My mother has seen me through these hard times (as well as all the others), and without her and my faith in God I have no idea where I’d be; however, my Father has been silent regarding my troubles, although I clearly laid them all out for him. He never inquires about my situation nor does he offer assistance (emotional, financial or otherwise). After sending two texts last week and getting no response from me, last Saturday morning he finally sent another message stating he was in the hospital (for the 100th time) and just wanted to talk a little. My father was lying; he wasn’t in the hospital. He was fishing for attention and executing his latest manipulation attempt.
After a year of knowing my situation, all he could think about was himself and his supply of attention. I would imagine that a normal father would inquire if everything was alright after not hearing from his daughter. But no, not mine. After receiving his selfish text, I gave him one more chance, explaining my recent hardships and issues caused me to be unresponsive. That text was met with a disappointing, “Okay, Thank You.” After 33 years of his emotional abuse and selfishness, I finally said enough is enough and completely cut my dad out of my life. I will not answer any calls, texts, emails or social media posts from him or family members/friends reaching out on his behalf, willingly taking part in my manipulation. If I receive any correspondence in the mail, I will return it unopened.
I don’t hate my father. I’m not even mad at him. I feel sorry for him. He has a disorder. He is a narcissist and I must eradicate his toxicity from my life. During his manipulation, he used to tell me that all he wanted is for me to be happy. Well, I am now seeking that very happiness, by cleansing my life of this life-long emotional vampire.
I write this for the the men, women, girls and boys with a mother or father with this personality disorder. For others, like me, who grew up feeling like an alien. I write this for encouragement. I write this to give the message that it is okay to walk away and move on with your life. It is not okay to be abused and manipulated. It is okay to stand up for yourself. It is not your fault. You are valuable. You are someone special.
Casimir ‘Cas’ Spencer is a Los Angeles based entertainment personality and publicist. Spencer is a guest dating and relationship blogger and has been featured as a guest social media talker on daytime television talk show “The Talk.”
