Corbis
A friend of mine recently tied the knot, and she asked a question that she was semi-joking about, but also dead serious about at the same time.
“You know what you should write about?” she asked. “‘We got married. So who comes first: me or his mom?'”
She giggled at the thought as she entered her kitchen. But as I sat on her couch with my hot laptop brewing on my lap, I thought it was an interesting inquiry. Plus, I knew she really wondered if things would change now that she was no longer a long-time girlfriend, but a wife when it came to her mate’s priorities/loyalties.
Her husband definitely has a close relationship with his mother, always has. In fact, he went out of his way to spend time with her as the couple prepared for their nuptials and even immediately after they said, “I do.” It was sweet! Well, make that a little annoying for my friend. But when a mama’s boy finally marries, does the attention need to shift to the Mrs. from that day forward? Is your marriage more important than your bond with your parents?
There are countless articles online that offer advice for men and women on the right way to put their spouse before their family, specifically their parents, but that doesn’t mean people are always successfully able to make such a smooth transition happen.
Like one woman, who in a Baby Center query said she felt as though her husband always put his mother before her. To keep the peace, she tried to let her mother-in-law have her way more often than not. But as she prepared for the birth of their first child, she realized how not in the mood she was for mom’s antics and controlling ways. She recognized just how loyal her husband is to his mom, and felt that he needed to do a better job of standing up for her.
And then there was the man who used the money he made to pay to help keep up his parents’ lifestyle, all while choosing to forgo handling expenses and responsibilities for the home he shared with his wife. His concern was more about making his parents proud than fulfilling his role and obligations as a partner, and it was tearing up their relationship:
“I feel that he does not care for what I feel or want or need and it is all about his parents for him. He even said that his parents are more important to him and not me and I can leave if I can’t accept this.”
Oh, hell no.
In a perfect world, it would be awesome if we could all get along swimmingly with the mothers and fathers of our significant others, but sometimes the influence they have and (the backbone our partners are missing) can create unnecessary strife. I think it’s definitely possible to maintain a close relationship with a parent, even after saying “I do.” However, it’s important that boundaries are set and that it’s made clear that respect needs to be given–in the case of my friend, to both mother and Mrs.
When that is evident, then there shouldn’t be any drama over what should be obvious: One’s spouse needs to be a priority. Your parents will always love you, even when you choose to go ghost to be a loyal and committed lover to your spouse. But if you choose to be a more committed and loyal child than a partner, your significant other might still love you, but opt to leave you to find a mate who has their priorities in order. Then you’ll have nothing but time and freedom to go back to mommy and daddy…
