Does Being Marriage-Minded Make Dating More Complicated?

March 23, 2016  |  

Does Being Marriage-Minded Make Dating More Complicated?

Wife material. I really don’t know how I feel about that term. Of course, I know what men mean when they use it. They’re referring to a woman they wouldn’t mind introducing to their family. A woman they would want to build a life with. A woman that they would trust to rear their children. She’s the kind of girl you stop playing games for because you know that losing her would be a huge mistake. I get it. However, I’ve grown to somewhat resent the concept in recent years because I find that many people, especially on social media, use it as a means to tell women what they should and shouldn’t be if they hope to be married someday. It’s used to shame us for having fun. It’s used to shame us for being sexually liberated. It’s also used to pit us against each other. None of this is okay, especially when in reality, there’s no one way to be a wife. Variety is the spice of life and when all is said and done, one’s “wifeability” is contingent upon who is looking to do the wifing.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to briefly explore what it means to be a marriage-minded woman. A marriage-minded woman is typically someone who knows what she wants when it comes to love, and her end goal is marriage. She’s not looking to play nor is she up for being played with. Marriage ranks high on her list of priorities and in many cases, she won’t entertain a romantic interest if she’s sure that nothing serious or worthwhile will materialize from the courtship. With that said, dating as a married-minded woman can be equally challenging and rewarding.

Over the weekend, while trolling Facebook, I came across an old clip of Tamera Mowry discussing her dating struggles on an episode of “The Real”.

“I used to think that there was something wrong with me because guys just didn’t want to be with me. And later, I found out that it was because I was the ‘marrying type’ or ‘marriage material.’ It’s true. Sometimes guys aren’t ready for that. Sometimes, I think women mature quicker than men, and they just wanted to play. Then they saw me and they were like, ‘Oh no. I don’t want this right now.’ Then, once they all grew up and they were ready, there were all coming back around, and I was like, ‘Sorry! See ya! No thank you!'”

The comments section beneath the video clip were filled with young women who opened up about their dating struggles. Some started tagging their girlfriends and daughters. So many women could relate.

When you’re out here as a young, single woman finding a meaningful relationship can be a challenge. I can recall meeting a guy who I was really into while in my early, early twenties. Let’s call him “James.” James was a couple of years older than me, and after several dates, it became painfully evident that we wanted two different things. James wanted to play. I did not. By date five, James and I found ourselves having a very uncomfortable conversation that he actually initiated. He used a lot of analogies and metaphors. He also talked in circles quite a bit; however, in the end, his message was clear: James wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship.We enjoyed our last date, and then amicably parted ways.

Sure my feelings were a little hurt, but it’s a part of the game. When you’re sure of what you want, there will be times that you’ll have to stand firm on what you believe, and you’ll find yourself walking away from people you really like. And sometimes, it will hurt, especially on those nights when it seems like everyone has a date but you. On the flipside, a little bit of hurt now might be saving you from a world of heartache later. To me, you’re always better off when you can quickly assess a situation and make your exit if need be as opposed to sitting around and wasting years on someone who was never serious about you in the first place just for the sake of being up in some man’s face. Sure, being selective means that you’ll have fewer men in your dating pool to choose from, but it also means that you’ll be saving yourself quite a bit of grief. This isn’t to say that serious relationships don’t sometimes result in heartbreak. They do. Heartbreak is just one of the risks you take when you put your heart on the line. You know what they say, no risk, no reward. However, I see no benefit in any woman putting her heart on the line for a situation that she’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to be in. It just doesn’t make sense.

Whether or not this mindset makes dating more or less complicated is up to interpretation I suppose, but to me, sticking to your guns, holding fast to your values, and refusing to budge for some good game and a smile that will likely cause you nothing but grief later is always worth it. And when you meet that special guy who is serious and ready to treat you like a queen, you’ll thank yourself for being selective way back when.

 

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  • Mr. Miz

    Only if you find having standards to be complicating.

  • Alicia

    Not everyone is marriage material. You cannot automatically assume that after the first date you are ready for marriage. When women are out there with safari jackets on hunting for a husband, anything can darken your doorstep. A woman’s focus should be on God, not a mad rush to the altar. Not every man is rushing to get married. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family, God ordained marriage between man and woman. Seek God first for answers regarding your life. Do not be in a rush. It is easy to say ‘I do’ but it is hell when you want to say ‘I don’t’.

  • come on now

    I didn’t have a problem. I had 3 proposals by 22 and only said yes to the last one (Married 5 years & counting) so dating was never hard for me. I knew I wanted to marry EVENTUALLY but I was just enjoying the dating stage until then. Getting to know someone takes time. Don’t rush a quality relationship.

  • GymJunkie43

    Dating for marriage is much harder these days with the hook up culture. Men used to have to wine and dine women and date them for a few months before gaining access to the “Gates”. Nowadays, a man can install Tinder, meet up with some girl a few hours later, buy her a pizza and a case of beer and BAM, done deal lol

  • DeepThinker

    I think some people may it harder, because that’s all they focus on instead of getting to know the person.
    Although I want to get married eventually, I just focus on developing a good friendship. There are too many people in relationships that lead to marriage with people they really don’t like. The man I am seeing now, we like each other, but I went out with 3 other men shortly before meeting him. If I would have focused on the pressure to be wifed, I would probably still be with one of those guys that I really did not connect with.

  • Ohioguest

    yes!!! all of this! i can enjoy your company at a game or an outing (some of which, but not all of which, I’ll pay for.) But unless I get the vibe we are on the same page, you’ll last a month or two. we most likely wont be intimate, and I will not be playing “wifey” that means, Im not likely to cook more than once for you, dont ask me to do domestic chores or “hold you down” either emotionally or financially. There is (or should not be) no half steppin! that’s why all these “situationships” end up messed up, with babies and hurt feelings. dating with purpose prevets some, though not all, of those problems.

    • srt333

      Yasss! One time for the ladies with real standards! Lol

  • Ce1999

    I just want to say, it is possible to date with a purpose and still have fun. It usually just means you don’t entertain men who are “just for the time being”. You seek after like-minded individuals and seek after friendship. I did it myself, and now engaged, I am happy I did not waste time on somebody. I think you can observe and learn someone without first latching on to the “dating” thing so fast that you wind up heartbroken. It worked well for me by forming a friendship first. I hope that was all cohesive. lol It felt like a ramble.

    • MansheFly

      That’s refreshing to read. Congrats on your engagement! Gives me hope, lol. Dating is hard but fun at the same time.

      • Ohioguest

        Yep, I love men, andI love dating. that being said, I like friendly dating, as Ce, called it. Dont expect me to be your girl, if you aint my man. Congrats on you upcoming marriage Ce, i hope that you have a long lasting and sucessful marriage.

  • High Five Ghost

    Let me say what all upstanding men want to say…listen up “marriage minded ladies”:

    1. Date THE MAN, not a potential title. We can smell it from the first date. Its NOT desperation but it SMELLS like it.
    2. We don’t have to be on YOUR “marriage path” timeline. We know that you have a predetemined marriage age but we MAY not share the same clock…and btw, the man that alters his clock for you ain’t what you want.

    • ok

      I agree. Most women cant seem to enjoy men without trying to make plans forever in their head. I agree with the premis of the article. When you are not necissarily focused on a together forever ending,your discernment is better and you dont have a scenario where a man is really only good for getting off and nothing else while your over here trying to make him your husband.A man can add to your life (s3xually,mentally,sometimes professionally and finacially,etc) WITHOUT being your “Man”.And if a relationship does not happen organically through ORGANIC attraction and admiration and compatibility, IT WILL NOT WORK!

    • Lentina

      Indeed agreed!

    • Lentina

      I understand from this article more now that the reason I have so many guys disappear or say I’m a great woman and don’t understand why I’m single or not still married…All that to say they still like to play and be casual smh. I have standards and I will make sure I allow God to send the right man my way

      • High Five Ghost

        “I have so many guys disappear or say I’m a great woman and don’t understand why I’m single or not still married.”

        I have met many of great women. That doesn’t mean that I want to be with them, possibly forever. Those are two VERY different things. Keep your standards but don’t think that your qualities make you marriage material…they don’t. The one that God sends you will have a nonsensical, unformulated, non-logical reason for choosing you…that’s how it works.

    • GymJunkie43

      I have a question about #1. Why is it that women of all races take a man’s profession into consideration when looking at marriage material but when black or latina women do it, its considered desperate or greedy? Sometimes it’s more about wanting a companion than a come up.

      • High Five Ghost

        To clarify, by “potential title”, I was referring to the title of “husband”, not profession. This was my way of saying, date with the mindset of learning the man for who he is and not for the possibility of him becoming your husband.

  • Ohioguest

    why is it that wheb men express purpose of family, they are lauded but when women do it, it is needy?

    Also, why is it when purpose is defined as being super sucrssful with an enviable title ir lits of money, it’s lauded but not when purpose is defined as a loving and stable two parent household?
    we cant all get a pass for ” doing us” until we are 40-50, soon golden anniversaries and couples together for 25-50 will be a thing of the past.

    • High Five Ghost

      “why is it that when men express purpose of family, they are lauded but when women do it, it is needy?”

      Because real men marry ONLY by choice, not by some preconceived idea about what we are SUPPOSED to have done by a certain age. Our choice to have a family is noble. Your choice is out of societal obligation….noble still…but less noble

      “why is it when purpose is defined as being super successful with an enviable title or lots of money?

      This is America. Success is money, power & influence. Don’t act like you’re checking for the man with lots of love to give but none of the aforementioned. You used the word “stable”. That’s “women code word” for money and you know it.

    • Mr. Miz

      why is it that wheb men express purpose of family, they are lauded but when women do it, it is needy?

      Probably because as a man, it means that I’m worth a damn. Most women, at least those with any sense at all, aren’t interested in marrying a bum with no job, no education, no home, no prospects and no apparent reason to get up in the morning. If a man wants a woman to view him as a potential husband, he’s got to be able to bring something to the table, usually a career and the ability to provide safety and support and comfort to his wife and their children.

      Also, why is it when purpose is defined as being super sucrssful with an enviable title ir lits of money, it’s lauded but not when purpose is defined as a loving and stable two parent household?

      Thank feminism for that; they’re the ones who turned ‘housewife’ into a dirty word and told women that marriage was a prison, children chains of patriarchal oppression and that men were a bunch of pigs.

  • Ohioguest

    yes being marriage munded makes it harder. Though not all women want marriage, those who do should not be called ” needy” or “desperate.” I work with purpose, I pray with purpose, I live and love with purpose.

  • sharris28

    It’s not a shame to be sexually liberated or have fun but I think once you’re marriage minded, you’re done just having fun. Some ppl are just more serious about finding the one. Kinda hard to be marriage minded and sexually liberated with everybody. Idk.

    • Taz

      Everybody? Where did that come from?

      • sharris28

        Lol I just mean more than a few ppl

    • ok

      There’s a thing called balance.

  • Dania Coleras

    yup, I’m very marriage minded and it’s hard to find someone that will take me out on a date or talk to me genuinely after 24 hrs

  • black men don’t marry

    …………..

    • Mr. Miz

      Sure they do; I know plenty of married black guys. Don’t blame men for not finding a woman who threw away her peak years of sexual market value riding the cock carousel and now wants the type of men she can get to feel privileged for her being willing to settle for them as wife material.

    • High Five Ghost

      best comment of the week

  • Taz

    You can tell when a woman is out here dating to look for a husband. Most men arent on Tinder looking for a wife. It has to be more organic n less heavy/less serious all the time.

    At one point I thought I was marriage minded but not anymore. After my long-term relationship ended and I got comfortable being single I just love the freedom of being single now. If it happens it happens but I’m not dating to find a husband

    • Ram2015

      Exactly, it comes off as desperate and needy. I have friends that are only focused on finding a husband and they are miserable dating. They can’t relax, have fun, and as you mentioned, allow it to be “organic” because they are to busy checking off their list of what they consider to be “husband material”. It’s ironic because when people date to find a spouse it usually doesn’t work out. When people date for fun, that’s when they usually find someone they end up in a more serious relationship with.

      • ok

        ^^ YES!