Corbis
“Ain’t real if it ain’t on social media.”
That’s what a friend of mine said in jest when I told her about a woman who was seeking advice regarding whether or not she was overreacting by mistrusting her boyfriend because he won’t let her follow him on social media. And while the immediate response would be a definite “petty” vote, they have been together for three whole years. So what’s the deal?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We live an hour and half apart but see each other almost every weekend. I’ve met his family and friends. We also talk about the future and we love each other. There’s only one thing that causes mistrust and that’s the fact that he refuses to add me to Instagram or Facebook. He says he has had bad experiences with social media in his previous relationship and doesn’t want it to be a factor in our relationship. I can’t shake the feeling that he is hiding something from me that he knows will upset me and I would prefer he were open with me about everything. Am I overreacting about this and should I be concerned? We’ve had many arguments about this and I feel like it’s hurting my trust for him because of his unwillingness to compromise.
Remember the good ol’ days when social media wasn’t prevalent enough for everyone to have accounts, so it wasn’t a factor in one’s relationship? In the words of Edith and Archie Bunker, those were the days.
But it is a bit odd, don’t you think? The idea that someone “refuses” to include you in a certain part of their life after so much time together. The idea that when they request you on social media, you would hit “ignore,” “decline” or do the whole, “I’m just going to leave this right here” move. As one woman said, “A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.”
Still, I’ll try and play devil’s advocate real quick.
Considering that they’ve been together for more than a thousand days, she’s met his family and his friends, and all in all, they seem to have a healthy relationship, is this situation really a deal breaker? Does she want to compromise what they’ve built based on the only part of his life she hasn’t been given access to, the most superficial, inconsequential part? Granted, he could be out here doing something he’s not supposed to, and that could be why he’s trying to keep his Instagram and Facebook on the low. But if she trusts him, then she probably shouldn’t let this bog her mind.
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost four years and we don’t follow each other on social media. Granted, he only has a Facebook account that he sporadically uses, mostly once a year to say, “Thanks!” to birthday wishes, but I believe in my heart that me being all in his Facebook wouldn’t keep him from doing whatever he wants or plans to do. I can only trust him as he can only trust that my pages aren’t being used for inappropriate behavior. Plus, what is this? College?
However, devil’s advocate here, I still don’t get the refusal. The opposition to compromising. I understand that he doesn’t want to open the door to this young woman investigating his accounts so she can become paranoid, as that may have been the case in past relationships. But, again, when you have nothing to hide, why go out of your way to be so private with someone so important?
Clearly, I don’t have the answers, Sway. But I can see both sides to the argument. They’re valid enough. But after three years, if it’s causing that much drama and arguments, it might be worth it to deactivate that sh-t…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is she petty for getting bent out of shape because he won’t befriend her on his social media? Or is he petty for trying to keep it on the low?
