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You know everybody has their philosophies on what makes a lasting relationship. But one piece of advice we hear time and time again, from various sources, is that you both should be friends first. It’s certainly a nice sentiment but easier said than done in the real world.
Let’s be honest, unless you’re just not feeling homeboy romantically, chances are, you’re going to go full throttle. I’m talking flirting, romantic dates (no group, no chaperone), maybe a little sexy time. And in a few months, you’ll probably be wondering when y’all are going to be dating each other exclusively. We all know how passion-filled those first couple of months/years can be. It’s hard to quell your urge to kiss someone, and just settle for kicking it. Time is precious. Clocks are ticking and there are some life goals that need to be checked off. Let’s Go!
But one Thought Catalog writer suggests that we’re going about it all wrong. And should calm all that anxious, desperate energy down a lotta bit.
Christopher Lai, (Yes, a man.) said we should pay more attention to the old adage of being friends first. He titled his article “Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First.”
Sweat.it.out.
Sounds like it’s going to be agonizing.
Lai writes:
“However if you’re looking for something serious, you have to take things slow to get to really know his intentions. You don’t want to become another statistic…some girl he slept with that he mentions offhandedly to his friends before they knuckle punch and carry on, laughing.
When you meet a guy and you have a good feeling about him, let him prove that he can be patient. He can’t meet you for the very first time on Wednesday and automatically expect to land a date that coming weekend. Hell no. He needs to show you that he’s not just into you for a quick fix—to prove that he can be more. That he can be a friend, too. However long that takes.”
Lai suggests a little, what reads like, game-playing. Or maybe it’s heart-protecting. He says, before you go on a single date, friend zone this guy to see how he copes. Friend zone him if he asks you out, friend zone him if you want to go out with him. You should not agree to go out with him until you, not only feel completely comfortable with him but when he knows you. Lai says, he should know “What makes you smile (What numbers to dial. He didn’t say that. Biggie did.), what your ambitions and greatest insecurities are, what’s inscribed on your bucket list, etc.”
It’s a lot. I have friends, girlfriends, hell family members, who don’t know those things about me.
So, what do you make of this theory?
Me?
Well, it seems like a bit of self denial. You like the man, want to go out with the man and he wants to go out with you but you keep him at bay until he gets to know you. How long does it take before you can say you really know someone? Can you ever really know someone? I, I know I learn new things about myself on occasion, and I know me pretty well. Furthermore, people can hide their true selves for a long time. There’s no set time frame to these type of things.
And there’s a good chance that while you’re waiting for him to learn your favorite color, he’s lost interest and has decided to bounce.
But then, this is Lai’s point. He writes that a man who is not in it for the right reasons will most certainly be out. But someone who is genuinely interested will hang around, waiting to take his shot.
I can’t lie, there is some truth to that. We’ve all put dudes on the backburner, only to find that they refuse to be ignored or burn out.
Quite a few of us have that one, legit guy friend who we would never consider dating; but he’s expressed, either subtly or explicitly, that should the moment ever arise, he’d be ready and willing to report for boyfriend/boothang/bae duty.
From experience, I can tell you that it’s much more easier and much more enjoyable to date when you’re not completely smitten, head over heels and yearning for it to work out. There’s just less desperation, tolerance for bullsh*t and disrespect, should any arise. When you’re not afraid of losing someone, it’s easier to speak up, immediately and unashamedly, when you don’t like something they’ve said or done.
So there is some merit to Lai’s idea. But in practice, it might be a little far-fetched.
What do you think about the friendzone before dating theory? Have you ever done it? Read Lai’s entire article on Thought Catalog.
