Continuing my string of anti-social confessions, I felt like now is as good of time as any to talk about how much I hate greeting my co-workers in the morning. One of them also just sent the video below to me and said “this is you in the morning” which let me know the improvements I thought I made on that front are clearly non-existent. Sorry, not sorry.
https://instagram.com/p/_AqI_-tfMk/?taken-by=undecided_24
Hate might be a strong word to use in this context, especially since I dearly love the women I work with, but that love does not stop me from clinging to what I tried to make a hard and fast rule: I don’t want to speak before 10 am. Okay, that’s kind of extreme as well. Here’s what it really boils down to, by the time I stop hitting the snooze button for 20 minutes, leave my house at the time I should be walking into the office (because I lied and told myself I was just going to “throw on something” and really threw on a full face of makeup), am forced to share a seat with a manspreader on the train, get bumped into by 12 different commuters between my house, the train, and the blocks to my job, and see something silly in my work inbox I have nothing left. Not more than a somber “hey” anyway. But there’s just a teensy, weensy little hitch in that plan: my coworkers go through the exact same thing every morning, sometimes worse because their travel time is longer, and yet when I — and everyone else — walks in the office, they still ring out in chipper unison “Good morning!” And I look like that little bothered baby in the meme above.
I can’t even blame it on not being a morning person because once I’m up, I’m up and good to go. I think the real issue is I’m not a people person — at least not a tell me all about your life since the last 12 hours I saw you before 10 am people person. Apparently that makes me an evil troll — or just rude — as every time I argue that my monotone “hey” is enough of a greeting I’m met with stories about Black mamas checking people for coming in their house and not speaking. You know, the “oh you can’t speak?” police who are already so ready to ask that question when your anti-social behind walks through the door that they don’t even hear you when you actually do speak (even if that “hello” was barely above a dog whisper).
I’m just saying in the same way that, according to some universally understood rule of respect, I have to adhere to my coworkers’ need for a morning greeting, I’d also like my need for silence to be respected. I’m not trying to be rude. I’m trying to organize my thoughts for the day and sit in silence long enough so that the first thing out of my mouth isn’t something foul. Shouldn’t the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” rule trump all these pleasantries? See, I’m not being an a–hole. I’m trying not to be an a–hole! But, the fact that I’m writing this piece at all tells me my anti-a–hole mission has failed and I will continue to be known as the Grinch who stole morning greetings. I can live with that. I’ll just continue to like, retweet, and share posts like the one below so my coworkers realize it could always be so much worse.
