Is This Petty? It’s Been 9 Months And My Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me

December 4, 2015  |  

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So my co-worker recently told me about a friend, who has a friend, who has been dating a guy for three months. Despite their chemistry and how well things have been going, they still haven’t had sex. They’ve made out, but he hasn’t taken things to the next level. The young woman hasn’t asked him why he hasn’t really tried, but she’s decided to try and roll with it because, who knows? He could have a good reason (religious, or maybe even just the desire to take things slow because he’s looking for something deeper). However, my co-worker’s friend just thinks it’s weird. Because, in her mind, what man in this day and age, who is not a virgin, is looking to wait an extended period for sex?

Still, I don’t think three months is all that bad, especially considering that this young woman and man are not in a defined relationship as of yet. They’re dating. And not every person in the dating pool is trying to jump out of the water and onto your bones at first sight. Really, things could be worse. Three months could be nine months. And then that young woman would be like the lady I read about this week, whose boyfriend wouldn’t have sex with her after nine months.

She said that she’s a pretty sexual person, so after a few months without sex, she asked him outright why they weren’t doing it. “In the beginning, he told me that his last relationship ended badly and that he hasn’t had sex in four years, so he feels uncomfortable.” After leaving it alone for a few months, she asked, again, why they still weren’t having sex, and this time, “he said that he’s uncomfortable with sex. I asked him what he was uncomfortable with, and he didn’t have an answer other than ‘I don’t know.'”

The woman sharing her story then said that she started to take it personally. They’ve only made out twice. When she kisses him more than once or twice, he finds a way to stop her without specifically saying “Stop.” He comes over to her apartment often, but they only go to sleep together and cuddle.

This woman had weight-loss surgery a few years back and is still in the process of getting to her “goal weight.” She now wonders if he won’t engage in intercourse with her because of her body. And she said that when she brought it up, he didn’t flat-out say that wasn’t the issue. He basically told her after their conversation that the ball was in her court regarding where they would go from that point. And she decided to stay with him and their sexless relationship.

Again, not every relationship or person’s way of looking at them revolves around sex. Just because you’re not having it as soon as you like doesn’t always mean there’s a real problem.

However, what this lady shared doesn’t even sound like a relationship to me. Sure, she calls him her boyfriend, but what they have sounds like something other than a romantic connection. Like a friendship that may wander over some boundaries from time to time. Or a guy who is taking his sweet a– time to figure out where he wants things to go while she is wondering why they haven’t already taken things to the next level–at least in the bedroom. Or someone who went through something very traumatic that they don’t want to open up about. Or, as my friend put it, possibly an asexual man who enjoys this woman’s company but isn’t interested in being intimate in that way. Or he could be gay. Who knows?

And therein lies the problem. Whatever is keeping him from being intimate with her, even just in kissing, he knows the reason for but won’t divulge. He needs to open his mouth and spill some beans. Leaving her hanging when it comes to this information, and then also leaving her to decide if they’ll keep engaging in this here thing makes it seem as though he could care less about it all. Which makes no sense, because to sit around with someone for nine months, you should have some sort of respect and love for them, even if it isn’t romantic. And if you do, you owe it to that person to tell them what it is.  Hell, even a basic old-school excuse would be miles ahead of his “I don’t know” spiel. You know, an “I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet,” or “I’m seeing somebody else,” or “About that STD I contracted…”

Give the girl something, man!

But the reality is that after all that time if he still hasn’t even tried to let her in, he probably will continue to shut her out. So it’s on her to know when to hit the exit sign. Because, at this point, she’s getting her feelings hurt and allowing her self-esteem to take a hit by questioning if her size is why he won’t sleep with her. She doesn’t need that on her weight-loss journey because she will be losing weight more for him than herself. And by allowing her to wonder (and go half-crazy) if her weight is the issue without explicitly stating yes or no, or by saying what’s really going on, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t care about her as much as she thinks. He isn’t what she needs in her life right now. Clearly, he has his own issues to figure out first…

But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Who gets a petty card?

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