Working It Out is a health/fitness column chronicling MadameNoire Manging Editor Brande Victorian’s journey to drop the pounds and get healthy. Follow more of her story on BrandeVictorian.com.
I originally intended for my next “Working It Out Column” to be fitness focused, but God/the general manager at my gym put something on my heart that I felt compelled to share this Friday morning.
Last night as I was walking out of the gym after my training session one of the receptionists told me she’d seen my “before” pics somewhere on the Internet and congratulated me on my progress. She was handing out new t-shirts to the members and I told her I’d take a medium and make it my goal shirt. (FYI that’s the light blue shirt I’m already wearing in the pic above — go me) Anywho, the general manager who I always chat it up with — and who I truly consider one of my biggest weight loss cheerleaders — joked that I should push the goal to a small. Then he got very serious and said, “I’m going to tell you something important, don’t get too skinny.” I chuckled as I normally do when people talk out the side of their neck and began rubbing my belly like Winnie the Pooh, remarking how “this stomach has to go.” He then proceeded to tell me, “I’m serious,” and went on a bit about how great I look at the size I am now and how thin my face has already gotten, assuring me I don’t need to lose too much more.
The GM might be the first manager in the history of gym employees to encourage someone not to go too hard at their facility, but he’s hardly the first person to warn me not to overdo this weight loss thing. In fact, this go ’round my mom was actually numero uno. She saw a picture of me on Facebook around the time I’d lost about 75 pounds and subtly inquired, “you ought to be close to your goal by now, right?” I told her I still had about another 50 pounds or so to go and she let me know she wasn’t so sure about me weighing 150-160 pounds, warning me, “don’t get too skinny.” I thought to myself, “I’ve got about 60 more pounds to lose before that could even be a conversation,” and I kept it moving.
It’s funny how even when you’re doing something great for yourself people become concerned that you’re doing too much of a good thing. On one hand, I sort of get the idea that since once being morbidly obese was clearly a sign that I had some underlying issues going on, drastically dropping pounds — even through a healthy amount of diet and exercise — could put people close to you on alert that the same issues are there, they’re just manifesting themselves in a different way. But I’m willing to bet the likelier cause for alarm is that people don’t see losing weight and maintaining that weight loss as a lifestyle change. And so when you keep training, and watching what you eat, and your body responds favorably, either by getting smaller or more toned, observers just don’t understand what you’re doing and, even less so, why you’re doing it.
I’m so far from being the s-word that I really can’t stand when people use it in any context related to my weight loss, whether they are telling me “you’re so skinny now!” or warning me “don’t get too skinny now.” I’m pretty sure I have a 0% chance of ever being in anyone’s “skinny” category and if, by the grace of God and my trainer, I should find myself there, I know without a shadow of a doubt I will hardly be “too skinny.” But let’s say I do find myself living the lean life, who exactly am I supposed to not be getting too thin for? It certainly won’t be for my BMI chart, nor my physician’s recommendation, nor my health. What people are really saying when they make these remarks is, it’s hard for me to see you as the same person when you look so different on the outside so, if it’s not too much to ask, can you not change too much more — or better yet, stay the same? Newsflash: It is too much to ask. Second newsflash: That’s not my problem.
When you’ve lost 85 pounds like I have, and are still trying to lose a good deal more, the last thing you want to hear someone say (in so many words) is chill — especially if those same people weren’t telling you to put down the cake, cookies, and ice cream before you became “too fat.” (Though I’m not really here for that.) I’m also not here for the bobblehead remarks because I’ll gladly take looking like one of the ’90s hottest trinkets over being a fairer-skinned version of “Precious.” Weight loss is already a trying process that requires an enormous amount of emotional maturity to balance hating how you currently look with believing one day you can achieve the appearance you want to. The last thing you need on top of that are comments from other people that suggest they, too, are trying to figure out if they like the fat version of you better than the thinner version of you and could ever tolerate a skinny version of you.
The understanding and polite thing to say here might be “people mean well,” but in this case I’m not sure they do. A better explanation is probably “people don’t know any better” and that I can grasp. The complexities of weight loss go far beyond carb counting and calorie expenditures and most people don’t understand how counterproductive comments about one’s end-goal can be to people struggling to love the skin they’re in, no matter how much or how little of it remains. As a general rule of thumb, I’d say unless someone exhibits symptoms of an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, or any other unhealthy weight loss behaviors, keep your subjective opinions about their changing body and what you think — not know — would be best for them to yourself. In the words of Drake, “You wasn’t with them shooting lifting/cycling/running in the gym.” Therefore, if what you’re about to say to someone holding steadfast to the weight loss wagon doesn’t sound anything remarkably like “congratulations!” “good job” or “keep up the good work, keep it to yourself.
