How Feminism is Ruining Your Love Life

132 Comments
June 16, 2011 ‐ By L. Nicole Williams

 

 

You could probably be married by now.

Engaged…

Or have a boyfriend.

Instead, you are complaining about no-good men, working your life away and nursing an affinity for self-pleasure.

Why?

Feminism.

Correction: misguided feminism.

Professionally, feminism has done wonders creating opportunities for women to flourish in the workplace. Many of us are entrepreneurs or climbing the ranks at a Fortune 500 company, inching closer to equal pay. Socially, we have gained complete control over our bodies. Thanks to birth control, sex doesn’t  guarantee nine months standing barefoot and pregnant. We have the option of planning for motherhood and limiting family size.

Though it has been a source for economic trajectory and independence, feminism has also taken a toll on our love lives. A surge of scorned baby-mamas, bitter divorcées and those plagued by daddy-issues propagate singlism and wear their “mule” title as a badge of honor.

Much of the abrasiveness, attitude and other testosterone-driven antics that run good men away are products of feminism gone wrong. And, it is to blame for many of the single, black female’s woes. Here’s how:

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  • Dhalia

    I think what people are actually failing to understand is what the author is really trying to point out. We do actually bash men on a daily basis, black, white, everyone. We also put too much emphasis on COLOR in the black community. Black women seem to be some of the only ones who won’t consider another type of man, but complain about the black men they want without really helping the mass of them to change. Feminism is a problem, because it took away the ability for black women to enjoy their new found life of freedom after segregation and slavery. White women have for the longest time been able to relax in their homes as wives without worrying about their house being burned down, or their husbands or children being lynched. For this reason, feminism made it so women would have to be independent, rely on government support unless they are educated, which is hard for a lot of black women to achieve considering the message that “education is worthless” in our community. This allowed black women to immediately enter the work force, etc. Those things made black men feel unneeded, and men in general, but black men even more. Black men also became lazier because black women began to work, and work hard. Other women of other cultures have been raised with a different way of living. They have not been required to live as harshly as black women have, and so their attitudes towards marriage, husbands, and children are much different. Also, they generally will date most types of men, while black women limit themselves. I am deeply concerned about my sisters and brothers.

    Also, before the bashing begins (if it does, did not see when this article was written I could be replying to no one…), I understand that not everyone will understand or think this is the way things should be. But I challenge you…try thinking differently about your men, and men, try thinking differently about black women. This is a mutual problem that needs fixing, not just Women or Men doing it. We need to stop letting the media, government, and fear of racism limit our achievements and stunt our happiness. I am a young woman, 21, married to a white man, one child. I did not limit myself. I love my husband, his color means nothing to me as I have dated various other types of men before, he just turned out to be the one. What I notice is that everyone else has a problem with my marriage (usually black people), not me. Black people do not understand yet, especially women, that we are beyond this. We keep this absurdity alive by reassuring other races of people that this still bothers us…so they use it against us. We live our stereotypes, and we live what others expect of us: nothing. I will prosper, and I want all of you to do the same. If you already have, congratulations. Please spread the word to the rest of our people.

  • THETRUTH

    WOMEN HAVE BEEN RAISING MEN FOR THIS LAST GENERATION AND LOOK AT WHAT THEY HAVE BECOME. WHEN MEN WERE RAISING MEN BEFORE THE RISE OF DRUGS, FEMINISM AND GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE, MEN WERE WARRIORS, RESPECTABLE, HARD WORKING, AND WERE WELL EDUCATED ON THEIR HERITAGES HISTORY AND THEY ALL ASPIRED TO BE LIKE THE INDIVIDUAL WHO WAS RAISING THEM. HOW CAN A MAN ASPIRE TO BE LIKE A WOMAN. WHY DONT YOU WOMEN LET THE MEN RAISE THE BOYS SO THEY CAN ACTUALLY GROW UP TO BE MEN AND BE RESPONSIBLE. WOMEN LOVE TO BLAME MEN WHEN A CHILD ISN’T RAISED PROPERLY BUT BLACK MEN HAVEN’T BEEN RAISING THEIR CHILDREN FOR THE LAST 30+ YEARS BECAUSE OF RASCIST INDIVIDUALS CORRUPTING OUR BLACK YOUTH, DESTROYING THE BLACK PANTHER PARTY AS WELL AS OTHER BLACK ORGANIZATIONS OF THE 20TH CENTURY. BLACK FAMILIES ARE CLOSE TO NON EXISTENT. MOST WOMEN AREN’T EQUIPPED TO RAISE A MAN WITH ALL OF HIS SCRUPPLES INTACT. ONLY THE SELECT FEW WOMEN HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE. SO WOMEN, IF YOUR BOY IS FUCKIN UP IN SCHOOL, NOT OBEYING YOU AND THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, FIND A POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODEL FOR HIM QUICKLY BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THERE WON’T BE ANY GOOD BLACK MEN WITH FAMILY VALUES IN OUR NEXT GENERATION. ONLY THE ANOMOLIES.

    • TRUTHHURTS

      AND YOU HAVE THE WOMEN THAT OUR RAISING THEM TO THANK FOR THAT. AND FOR YOU WOMEN THAT TALK ABOUT MOST MEN ARE TRIFLIN’, A MAN IS GOING TO DO WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM TO DO. IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE SENSE TO MAKE HIM WAIT FOR A WHILE BEFORE YOU SLEPT WITH HIM THEN OF COURSE HE WON’T RESPECT YOU AND OBVIOUSLY HE WAS THE WRONG MAN TO BEGIN WITH. AND FOR THE MEN WHO TRY IN A RELATIONSHIP AND LEAVE, THOSE SITUATIONS ARE ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS AND CANNOT BE GENERALIZED.

  • aurora

    This is a dumb article.

    "What you won’t do some other woman who does not mind being “objectified” will. Period."

    – Is that supposed to be a good thing? I'm sick of people expecting women to bend over backwards to please men. The whole attitude that a woman has to perform tricks to keep a man from going with another woman that has no shame.

    Big problem.

  • Tiffany

    Jean, what the hell are you talking about? You must be a dude. Work is power! The true fact is that men of today are not like our grandfathers were and that's the main reason for women having to be stronger these days! If black men would change…then we can get our families back together. I don't appologize for being a feminist. No man gave me my Masters degree and my independence…and I'm sorry but I would rather be some where making money then washing someone's dirty drawers.

    • truthhurts

      how can black men change if there are only women raising us now

  • revel

    Lyndon, a lot of hard women hate to hear the truth about themselves and thus all the negative votes you received.

  • revel

    Okay IJM, everyone know's your strong. Now you are shoving your ideas down other peoples' throat leading me to believe you probably have one of those weak lame-o brothers who adores a dominant woman that doesn't let another person get a word in edge-wise. Good for you. For every pot there is a top.

    I, on the other hand, strongly agree with LaShaun. Please don't try to bulldoze my opinion away from me. Thanks.

  • theoneash20

    God bless you Lashaun… You have seen the light, and GET IT!!!

    ALl these women are going to be single or in miserable relationships with men…

    Ladies you did it to yourselves… You cannot blame Black men or any man for your poor choices..

  • theoneash20

    LOL go get you a white man…

    • Anna

      Clarify please. Don't leave brain farts and think you dropped knowledge.

      • theoneash20

        Ok… I'll bite

        I find it incredible that women have just about everything they SAY they wanted & are still unhappy…

        When is feminism going acknowledge the the sexes have different desires & motivations… And their is a dynamic to revered…

        As for the women you referred to up there… Most likely they are NOT checking for good men… Mostly likely they rejected a good man because he was too boring, stable, unattractive… And when a dude that WAS attractive but has options…

        When you are dealing with attractive men, they is a PRICE to pay for admission…

        There are men out there that women are overlooking, and for that matter, she deserves the failure that her lovelife can bring…

        Just like men who have to deal with pretty women and their BS (BECAUSE SHE HAS OPTIONS)

        Works in reverse for attractive men…

        Most women treat men like sh*t when they were pretty & then expect the man they pick to be a gentlemen…

        #NoSympathy

        • Anna

          Sounds like someone has been down this road.

          Here is the real problem… Women are the ones that have to bear the brunt when the relationship fails. Women are fed the ideal that "the right woman can change and soften a man". When that doesn't pan out, she is the one that is blamed. She has to look in herself, find out where she went wrong and try to improve herself. Meanwhile, the male can move on to the next chick with the same baggage, the same issues and he never really learns and never really grows up.

          Women are told to get standards THEN relax them. "Accept his flaws and work around them," meanwhile, if a woman has flaws, a man has the privilege and duty to decide if he is willing to accept them BUT more than likely, he will not. Men are forgiven for their flakiness.

          Oh and one more thing… That whole BS of women deserve the failure that her lovelife can bring… That's just a lamea$$ cop-out. A pitiful excuse to forgive all the bad men out there.

          Women shouldn't have to wade through the muck and mud that is the bad men to look for the good. Especially if women have to spend the time, the money, the literature, the skills and the intelligence it takes to get AND keep a man. Women should not have to waste so much time and money trying to find something decent. Women, LIKE MEN should have options.

          Tell men to BE BETTER and stop forgiving them for their thoughts, actions and behaviors. Because all that wears on a woman's patience, which is why you get women that complain there are no good men or all men are the same. The only times a woman should be going through the BS to get to the good is when it comes to her career, where she lives and her wardrobe. The ones that are bad outnumber and overshadow the decent ones.

          #teachthementobemen

      • theoneash20

        Now, the reason I say, get a white man is simple…

        The men that you want are not going to marry you (Thugs)
        The men that YOU say you want are dating other races of women, or hgih quality black women (Black men with education, job, stable)

        The next step is other races of men…

        Go get you a simp white man who will put up with your BS…

        This is not rocket science

  • theoneash20

    Your aunt pick a bad man to procreate with (probably LOVED the abuse), and then never took responsibility for her poor dating choices

  • theoneash20

    They end up sleeping with the same male anyway… (top 20% of the black men)

  • miss lady

    preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!!! YES YES!!!!

  • Mango

    This article is complete rubbish.

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  • Anita N.

    LaShaun, you disgust me. I don't know how you are able to write vile articles that attempt to brainwash thousands of strong and beautiful black women. This is NOT what feminism is about- WE DON'T WANT DOMINATION. We ONLY care about the balance, the balance of EQUALITY. We are not seeking to emasculate all men. God, what is wrong with you?!?!

  • Danaaa

    I dont understand why everyone is upset, the author CLEARLY has no idea what Black feminism is -_-

  • Freedom4All

    Imagine an article that told black people that it is their fault that white people don't like them, and that what they have to do is be more acceptable to white people by acting more like what white people expect and are comfortable with, particularly really dated ideas of black people's rolls in society.

    Now I ask you, what is that difference between that racist garbage and this article above?

  • Proud Feminist

    This kind of offensive gendering is an essential part of preserving sexism in this society & as long as sexism is serving the interests of men at the expense of women, there will be some people (men and women both) who feel it is their duty to be the ground troops in embarrassing, threatening, and deriding women out of being who they want to be and into acting how they are "supposed to." As a male feminist, it makes me sick to know this trash is out there, making the women in my life a little less free.

  • http://equalitythroughtruth.blogspot.com/ Jean Valjean

    Males are geneticly programmed to defer to women. It's why we don't call women deadbeats when they don't have jobs or call them losers because they don't make as much money.

    When women want something men generally give it to you. There are exceptions but as a rule we move out of the way so you can have what you want or need.

    Black women want black men to "step up", but the truth is in order for black men (or any man) to step up women have to step BACK! We cannot take on the role of providing for women and giving them our money while they are actively competing against us in the workplace.

    Women compete using affirmative action and preferential treatment and businesses import foreign labor to further drive down wages and if we fail women think we are losers. If we win what do we get? We get to pay a woman's bills until she decides she doesn't "need" us anymore.

    I say no thanks to that. I'll never go back to the 50's lifestyle where I bust my hump all day while she gets her nails done and I'll never be with a woman who categorizes males as losers or winners or "real". This is dehumanizing language that shows just how unfit a woman is to be a companion let alone a wife or mother of my children. Why would I want my son raised by someone who denies the humanity of males in this way?

    • Proud Feminist

      offensive and uninformed nonsense. Where there exists undeniable privilege for you at the expense of women, you see further opportunities to control and regulate women as a class, who owe you nothing.

  • Layla

    Did you really argue against acting like a princess and then advocate letting a man take care of anything difficult in your life? You also argue a gender essentialist discredited theory that completely denies our individuality. I am not passive and nurturing, not because of feminism but due to my own nature. I like science and will not compromise my ambition to avoid threatening a man. Why should we lower certain standards most likely to attract macho and insecure bois? You are full of contradiction. I’m not sure you know what feminism is.

  • UUU

    Wow this post…I'm not sure how to describe it…..
    Its like…. if a crap could take a crap and that crap took another crap, and if that crap vomitted, and that vomit took a crap, that last crap would be this article…*nods* yea that sums it up, i think

  • Guest

    I agree with you 200% I despise that phrase "Strong Independent Balck Woman" and in all of my travel I have never heard a white girl utter such words!!

  • http://twitter.com/ridethemaverick @ridethemaverick

    Who gave you a writing job and why? Do you even KNOW any black feminists? I swear to white Jesus, you STAY saying silly sh*t. Madame Noire has gone way downhill and strayed far away from its roots. And you, LaShaun, are the rock around MN's neck that keeps it plummeting to the bottom of the ocean.

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  • Hirotoshic

    Its seems like the problem is this person knows little to nothing about what constitutes a loving relationship. From this article, relationships are described as a series of strategic exchanges of favors. No mention of the kind of genuine concern of the well-being of the other that motivates self-less displays of encouragement and support. If you ignored all the crap above and devoted your time to looking for a loved one that displays these characteristics, your problems will be solved.

    Feminism is not the problem. A failure and inability to recognize genuine love and respond similarly is the source. May be even deeper is an inability to love and appreciate yourself.

    • Guest

      All relationships are a series of exchanges.

  • Tasha

    Sexual independence in comnination with the anti baby pill (thank you Carl Djerassi!!!) is one of the greates achievements in 20th century western society. It truly liberated women from sexual oppression and total dependence on the good will of men. Now, if you cannot stand that, then I see your point, because men lost considerable control.
    HOWEVER, women have to learn to handle this freedom. Freedom does not come without responsibilities… just the opposite. And I don't know where you live but the times in which a man determines the worth of a woman are over. Dream on.

  • MiamiBro

    Well, the truth is that life has never been better for those brothers who have managed to get an education and a decent job. They have the ability to live like rock stars did fifty years ago. Many of the most outspoken women on these blogs will sadly admit to sharing men. Men are simply not writing or reading blogs about why they're single. It's literally not on their minds at all. Whether you want to challenge the article, feminism, liberalism, conservatism, etc.., the bottom line is that this is not working out for women and the shape of the argument gives no incentive to change. I just hope the 40 yr old women are having convos with the twenty yr olds about this.

  • Ruby

    Most of the white women I know who declare themselves feminist are the most racists witches I've ever know. They uphold solidarity with other white women but are threatened by African-American women of color. i have no use for feminists or either color. Just be a genuine person. Tell the truth and seek to uplift and not tear down others.

  • Johnson

    > If you want a guy to (not in the literal sense) bend over backwards for you, be willing to do the same for him.

    Men would expect a woman to literally bend over backwards.

    A great article.

  • moi

    Did you get your definition of "feminism" from FOX News? Enough with the paranoia. Feminism *is* about equality. But everything you wrote about is an example of being unrealistic/ignorant/a jerk, not of being a feminist. Stop co-opting a wonderful ideal so that you can blame it for *your* issues. Foolish nonsense.

  • Urban Romance
  • Shannon Anne Carter

    EXACTLY! The majority of white feminists I know have men who totally respect what they believe. See, yet another reason Black women need to stop thinking we can only date/marry Black men.

  • Shannon Anne Carter

    Something like this only makes the oppression of women in our community WORSE. Black women need to read this to understand the mindset we must fight AGAINST.

    • Daniel

      @Lyndon Thats 100! You killed, any negative response to that can only be made by a angry scorned woman.

    • Henry

      I think you need to go back to school and learn what feminism is about. Soooooooo offfffff!!!

  • Shannon Anne Carter

    You love independent strong minded women, yet you tell a woman who speaks her mind to "keep it moving." Ok…

    • Daniel

      @ Shannon, and you love independence and social equality yet if I make the same statement to a woman that I would make to a man, you become indignant? The constantly shifting hypocritical attitude fostered within the mindset of feminist. I meant no disrespect, but when you look for disrespect it can be found around every corner or under every rock. Ok…

    • theoneash20

      Yes, after I beat it up, keep it movin', you are not wifey material

  • An outdoor guy

    I was reading the "princees" one and realized that there must be a lot of ass kissers out there who fall all over themselves to get a woman's "approval".

    If you've paid attention to how it really really works, you can make a woman feel spoiled without kissing her ass and thinking she can make you do it.
    I love women and the various interactions I have with them.
    I treat them ALL with repsect, whether I'm interested or not and, there are very few women who don't notice that.
    Sure, there are some who really are hos to stay away from butt, the ones who aren't are more than worth a pleasant hello and, that's something else they notice and gives a guy who knows this the advantage over the ones who don't.
    I ani't no hot male model butt, just by doing these things, I get more than my share.

  • E in CT

    These articles are so male-identified and lacking in any historical context at all. Is this author y really implying that if black women would just pretend it was 1950 we'd all have a man? Eyeroll. No mention of the millions of 'church lady' types who would give her left arm to submit to a man and is still single. What a crock. I am so glad I held out for a progressive life partner who is as proud to carry my name as I am to carry his. Any man who complains that a woman won't "let him be a man" is trouble. Run!

  • Bethany

    Amen! Thanks for pointing that out. This article is contradictory on that level and feeds/fuels sexism as well as the idea that something is wrong with the single black woman (placing the onus on black women, while leaving the man out of the equation… it's an equation, right? both sides have to be equal? so if there's a problem on one side, there's a problem on the other)

  • Bethany

    Is this supposed to be funny? Because I must admit, I was laughing quite a bit while reading it. Why? Because this article feeds the bull-tihs that society is putting out there, postulating that something is WRONG with black women who are single (be it chronic or otherwise), and trying to prescribe cures for singleness. If a black woman is single, it's assuredly for a multitude of reasons beyond the lately named culprits (the church, feminism, brothers on the "DL", even the high incarceration rate/low college rate of many black men, etc).

    People are people. And people are going to espouse (like what I did there? "espouse") their own causes and ideas. If you imagine that there is a problem with black women, and the problem is "finding a man" or settling down, or getting married, then by all means, fix the problem… FOR YOURSELF. It's never a good idea to tell others what's "wrong" with them. To the best of my knowledge, feminism has never hurt anyone, and if you don't want to step lock in key with LaShaun's warped sense of feminism, then by all means don't. Her warped concept of the tenants of feminism don't vibe with my life, and I AM a feminist. I was a feminist while single, and I am still a feminist while married (and my husband loves/appreciates/supports my feminism).

    I guess all I'm trying to say is that articles like these and other tv shows, news segments etc, (I SEE YOU STEVE HARVEY!!!) do nothing to help women build themselves up to a healthy and secure level of truly loving themselves and others. So maybe I am putting my view out there… Stop focusing on relationship status and instead focus on your capacity to love. And by "love" i means "accept". "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna expect someone else to?"

    *PHEW* I'm done now…

    • Urban Romance

      you went in the same way i did. i couldn't even fit my response in the comment section so i had to resurrect my wordpress just to vent. lol!

      urbanromance.wordpress.com

  • http://naturalgraceinlace.tumblr.com Grace

    I always took feminism to mean a movement to ensure the economic, and social equality of the sexes. Meaning that if a man wanted to be a nurturing stay at home dad he could. And if a woman wanted to sleep around with as partners she could do that too. But nothing in that guarantees you a life mate. If you're still living in a society that finds certain behaviors odd for your gender then that's what your living with and deal. You can vote in laws that work in your favor but you can't force anyone to think differently. Just get in where you fit in.

  • Elle

    Wow Lashaurn you have no concept of Feminism more specifically black feminism so please go somewhere and read a book.

  • CeCe

    I liked the article! All imma say is @ daniel and keep it real… Totally agree! I think the main ones on here getting upset at the blogger is the ones who’s characteristics are like the article! Truth hurts! I mean if your nothin like the article said why be upset! It’s a lot of truth to the article! Some women need to stop acting hard all the time!

    • revel

      Agreed 100%. You can tell how overly aggressive many of the posters are by the tone of their comments.

  • Elane

    Thank you so much for putting this out there. It's amazing, I was just thinking this morning how I've got to return to being less of an 'I've got to get and keep my own' in my own marriage: it's a partnership, under which we've got to not just hold up our end of the financial, sexual, social, nurturing side of it, we've got to keep our feminine side of it in tact as well. We've become 'feminists' minus the 'feminine', and that just ain't cute to any man, no matter what you might think.

    To say we've gotten comfortable would be an understatement…it's easy to keep on doing the day in, day out to keep things going; but for me I gotta get my 'pretty' back, for both of us!!!

    It's about being more than a woman, we've got to be sure we work hard to be a lady too: for ourselves and our men.

    • lovely

      wise lady

  • patles4000

    We need to understand we can be soft without being weak / strong without being tough.

  • thisisaREALfeminist

    I feel sorry for the author because she is missing out on everything great feminism has to offer —feminism is a celebration of personhood, it's liberating, not oppressive. You've clearly got the wrong idea and need to do more research before you make such generalized statements. Feminism allows me to feel like a woman because I'm not stuffed into any oppressive boxes and it allows me to love others because they are able to see and embrace my true identity. If you feel like your girlfriends are holding you back, you need new girlfriends!

  • 1King

    Bottom line no man really wants a woman with a mouth bigger than her backside. A lot of y'all talk to much and don't listen. Plain and simple. A lot of females have such crazy attitudes. They punish the next man for their poor choices in previous relationships. They claim they don't need a man then complain he's not around and not helping or doing his part. So which is it. Women can never make a man do anything. He has to want to do it. Think about it. The women choose the men. Not the other way around. A healthy relationship is 100/100 not 50/50. There is a such thing as being successfully miserable. Your career and finances are correct but for some reason you can't seem to cultivate a healthy relationship with a man. Stop and look at some of your qualities and see why no one really wants to put up with your crap. Women it's by no means all of your fault but your attitude determines a lot. It's something that needs to be looked at.

  • Melissa

    here we go another article thats telling me what I need to change in order to get or keep a man smh…lady please this is a lot of bs

  • ladyscholar

    Sorry about the repetitive post. The way I took it was its one thing to bed hop, its another to be sexually boring with your partner. What you won’t do another woman will. Bring time excitement to the bedroom.

    • http://interracialdatingcoach.blogspot.com/ Zabeth

      Bed hopping women get married all the time (i.e. Kardashian sisters, Kendra Wilkinson- and let's be real here plenty of the men commenting on this very post would be happy to marry them) but I suppose that standard only applies to non-black women.

  • ladyscholar

    @Zabeth, no they do not.

  • http://interracialdatingcoach.blogspot.com/ Zabeth

    It still doesn’t make sense. Prudishness -whether in a relationship or not – is still the opposite of sexual liberation.

  • ladyscholar

    @Zabeth, no they don’t.

  • http://interracialdatingcoach.blogspot.com/ Zabeth

    Don't #1 and #7 contradict each other?

  • lovely

    i concur erry muf*ckin thang you said!!!!!!!!

  • lovely

    thank you!!

  • Lyndon

    Youre right. I t's called narcississm.

  • Zoe

    This article lacks intelligence. You clearly have not done your're homework on feminism and what it stands for.

  • IJM

    Why quotations around "your"? But you're absolutely right, it's about the type of woman you choose to be, which was my point earlier. But you also need to recognize that Lashaun is advocating for the exact opposite of what you're berating me for. She is saying that women should not have a choice in who they want to be, instead they should change who they are for the sake of being with a man (and in my opinion insecure one, who I am should not stop him from being who he is). And what do you mean "keep it moving"? The last I checked this is a public blog where the comments serve as a public forum, so I can and will share my opinion. You seemed to be the type of man that prefers that a woman not have an opinion. Fortunately though I don't answer to you so I will continue to speak mine.

    • revel

      I made a few typos, but I'm sure you get the jist of my comments.

  • newtothis

    I think because black women are treated so poorly by everyone else, they need something to have control over and take as their own.

  • http://theculturepollution.blogspot.com/ Sheispolluted

    Keep it Real = Proud fleshlight user.

  • Rastaman

    This is an interesting article and it got me to thinking about the different women I have encountered on the dating scene and I have to say there is some validity to the stated POV. I have come to realize though that a lot of the character traits listed by the author are often about false bravado and insecurity dressed up as feminism. Some women wear those masks to hide their shortcomings and fears especially around their relationships with men.
    Their rational is that the true man for them will put up with their behavior because he is strong enough and all other men who decline are weak. A rational often reinforced in the echo chambers of their so called sister circles. If it is feminism it is a warped distorted version. Weak people will distort any philosophy to camouflage their personal shortcomings. There is no shortage of men who have problems with forthright or independent women but many of those men are generally uncomfortable with women as a whole and are quick to blame feminism as their reason.
    Being honest with your self is one of the most difficult things to do in life. It means accepting that you are not as wonderful as you would like to think and accepting that you may have many shortcomings that are limiting your ability to achieve certain aspirations. It is infinitely easier to blame another person or another group because it takes away the pressure of personal responsibility.

  • Keep it Real

    WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? Tampering with evolution and the natural social order sometimes leads to disastrous results. Black women refuse to accept the fact that there is a CORRELATION between Feminism, The Black Matriarchal Society and the disintegration of the traditional black family structure and the blurring of roles and responsibilities of men and women. The strong independent black woman, yeah ok? This Matriarchal Society has promoted a thought process for Black women women that a man is wanted but not NEEDED to raise a family. The Liberal Progressive Feminists Movement wanted to give all women including poor women independence from men. They had good intentions but it didn’t work. They created welfare and it has been a self perpetuating train wreck.

    • Keep it Real

      (continued)
      What ended up happening is that it kicked the poor black man out of the home (requirement to receive aid had to be a single mother) and gave the poor uneducated, unskilled and unemployed black woman the ability to live without NEEDING a man. The poor black woman was able to pay for rent, food and have a couple of dollars for smokes. The poor black woman might have wanted but she no longer NEEDED a man. Think I'm incorrect? Look at the illegitimacy rate from 1920 to 1960 (50 years). It was under 20%. After the start of feminism, from 1968 to today (50 years) A.A. illegitimacy rate has exploded to 72% and is close to 90% in the worst urban areas.

      • Keep it Real

        (continued)
        What does that leave? A nonexistent or castrated poor black man and a community in shambles. I believe a productive community can absorb a certain amount of illegitimacy 30% maybe 40%. At 72%+ you will almost certainly end up with a Detroit, Newark, or just about any other city that is majority black with high illegitimacy and no men in the home. Black liberals keep telling me you can have a productive community without men in the home and I keep asking them to show me WHERE, where has it been done. Where in the world has it been done? Where in the history of civilization has it been done? So when they come on here with their nonsense about it can be done, they're feeding into the liberal feminist propaganda nonsense and frankly, I'm insulted.

        • Keep it Real

          (continued)
          The black community has a embraced a matriarchal society and fallen prey to the bigotry of low expectations. We now know after 3 generations and legions of BOYS and girls that young welfare baby mamma’s produce a shockingly low amount of kids who turn out to be productive adults. We have boys who have absolutely no understanding of how to be a man (as a group) Boys who basically have to learn how to be the a man on their own. Some boys will catch on quickly most unfortunately won’t learn how to be a man until they get in their late 20's or 30's. By then, for many, it’s to late. The die has been caste. They’re functionally illiterate and they’ve made some disastrous irreversible life decisions. Yes, being a man is a learned behavior.

          • Keep it Real

            (final)
            Which leaves the community with maybe only 2 or 3 homes out of 10 with men as the head of the household. What you are left with is (young black women as a group) ie Shaniquas (unskilled, uneducated, unemployed and or in a low income job) running households trying to compete with other community households where 6 or 7 out of ten of those households are two parent and the man is the head of the household. These young girls/women ie Shaniquas didn’t care about their own education. What in the hell makes you think she’s now miraculously going to give a dam about her kids education? Public aid and SSI for the most part finance this ghetto economy and it has become a self perpetuating train wreck. No responsible men (as a group) black, white, green or purple with good jobs is trying to make a home with women with multiple babies by different men.

            • Daniel

              That realest thing that has ever been writen in the history of this websie. They (Feminist Liberals) will hate you for it. But this topic would not even be a topic if there was not disasterous consequences for their b.s. social agenda. The most liberal countries in the world are the most poverty stricken, bankrupt, crime ridden and socially undesirable to live in, dont believe me? Ask a European how horrible it is to live in Europe, and look at the current state of california. The break down of the family unit is the focal point for the break down of society as a whole. Every "unit" must operate in a cerain manner for it to truly "operate". @Keep it Real, let them hate. We understand the reasons behind the current state of society, while they are stuck on "clueless" but still fighting for "social progress".

            • http://equalitythroughtruth.blogspot.com/ Jean Valjean

              I generally run from baby mommas and divorcees unless they are exceptional somehow.

              Most are not exceptional which is why they are baby mommas and divorcees.

    • IJM

      Actually I'm sure Black men abandoning their families is probably the biggest cause for the disintegration of the Black family. What exactly do you mean natural order, whose natural order?

      • Shannon Anne Carter

        THANK YOU! Is this dude SERIOUS?!? We have the VAST majority of Black men leaving their children to be raised by single mothers and you think MATRIARCHY is the problem with the Black community? Damn…what's so sad is that Black men claim to want to be leaders but aren't able/willing to take any blame for anything in our community. You can't be a leader if you don't believe in ACCOUNTABILITY.

        • Daniel

          @Shannon, Myself or any young brother cant apologize for that which we have not done and was quite frankly done to us as young men ourselves. All we can do is learn from the pain of our mothers and sisters and move forward to create a new healthier black community. But when we come up against women who hate us and ridicule us even as we are trying to stand up, then what are we to do? You say we are not men, and we need to learn to be a man, but we dont have some black-masculine movement in which young men are mentored by positive older role models. And yet, even as we are trying to find our way the one's we need most (our women), accuse and ridicule any display of leadership and lable it as just another attempt to hold the black women back. I see no peaceful, positive resolution in this toxic attitude toward one another.

      • blissues

        Getting married is not a magic pill for all that ails you. Period. If a woman has a kid in or out of wedlock doesn't matter. Would you rather a kid show up to an unwed mother or to a newly divorced man and woman?

      • theoneash20

        Jean killed it… thanks

  • kayla

    I think it was the fact that alot of woman wanted to be treated the same as men, it was the ol "anything you can do i can do just as good/better" so with that thinking they stopped receiving special treatment, because they're woman. It's like the situation where they're in a relationship and she makes more money than him, but gets upset when he wants her to pay the bill at a restaurant. So I believe with that men stopped and became more passive, and rightly so. I mean if they want to play with the "big boys" so to speak, you can't expect special treatment. It's a complicated thing, because I still know alot of guys that are complete gentlemen, and treat girls with utmost respect. But it will never be a time where the roles are completely reversed, because how many woman can attest to the fact that they love it when a make takes charge…. no woman wants a man that is too sensitive or passive, same thing with a man. Passive doesn't denote weaker,or less important and that's the key thing, just because a man takes charge doesn't mean he tells me what to do, or what to eat.

  • ladyscholar

    If there was only a way… to be seen and respected as a lady in the streets…. but be a freak for your man behind closed doors…… but I guess that’s impossible. Aww shucks.

  • http://twitter.com/1PrincessGrace @1PrincessGrace

    wow, I actually like your response today

  • http://twitter.com/1PrincessGrace @1PrincessGrace

    I am guilty of the last 2 but I think it takes the right kind of man to let my guard down.

  • Gayna

    If you don't want to be single ladies, date out. I have done it, my friends have done it. We have been keeping a running total, every single one of my friends that has dated out, has ended up married within 18 months. Leave LaShaun and her counterparts to their stereotyping.

    • theoneash20

      Yes!!! Date the eff out… I can do without you

  • ladyscholar

    Furthermore, who signed off on this definition of the masculine black woman? That’s like lumping up dead beat black men. I’m not going to be defined by some archaic, misguided notion that I’m automatically just a tough woman without a delicate bone in my body. is it somehow impossible to be both soft and strong?

  • ladyscholar

    when did gender roles become such a toxic concept? No one said don’t be strong, but some ,not all, women are becoming unable to yield. A level of accommodation is lacking. You didn’t walk up to your future husband and said its my way or no way. You maintained your strength while growing in your relationship. I feel this article is to woman who struggle in achieving that. And yes there should be an innate sense of masculinity that should be unwavering. But I’m sure there are things you do as a wife that he appreciates. You won’t say, he should feel attractive so I don’t need to show he turns me on. You appreciate him and I believe that you would tell or show him that. Let’s face it, we as spouses don’t need to do or say anything. But we do to create and prolong a loving long lasting marriage.

    • lovely

      i'm with ya!!!!!!!!!!!

    • revel

      Thank you!!

  • justme

    …..(As I continue) women need to tend to their homes first, what happen to cooking and cleaning?! Is that so far fetched. How can women we run the world or a country, yet their husband's needs go unattended to. I believe we need to balance our lives. And until we recognize that good mean (great men) should be encouraged to lead, we will continue to remain out of sync with natural order.

    • lovely

      agree with everything you said.

    • Shannon Anne Carter

      The vast majority of Black women have ALWAYS worked outside of the house because our "men," who want to be seen as the kings of the castle, haven't been able to, or don't want to, make enough money to support families off of their incomes. So, if BOTH partners are working, why is it the WOMAN'S job to come home and cook & clean? How can MEN run the world and leave their partner's needs unchecked?!? C'mon now…this is just tooooo sexist.

      p.s. My natural order ain't behind anybody.

      • lovely

        you're right 'bout one thing, it 'ain't' behind, it's beside…

      • theoneash20

        Go get you a white man Shannon, you belong to each other

  • manc

    Well I'm glad my boyfriend doesn't have issues with treating me as his equal, you're clearly running after the wrong men…

  • Hill

    This article is complete trash. Men are going to do what they want how they want to whom they want whether they recognize you as a feminist or not. When you stop letting having a man determine who you are, then you will realize this, Lashawn

  • BlackFeminist

    This article is extremely misguided and uninformed. It assumes that all black feminist are the same and there is a united set of beliefs that make up black feminism. Both are untrue. I agree that SOME of these thoughts can lead a woman to remain single, but they do not make her a feminist.

    As women are becoming more successful professionally gender roles are changing and I believe you need to define them within your own relationship. For example, how can we expect to make as much as men then turn around and want them to pay for everything?

    Truth is not all black men want a 1950s white housewife, the traditional gender role. And I if they do, I guess am not gonna marry a black men.

    • LOL

      It's not about anyone wanting a "white housewife" it's about being a wife/woman… of any color!! Think about how your great grandmother, or grandmother would have treated her husband???

      In years gone by, when people still got married, and had respect for marriage and being a "family" women of ALL COLORS were happy to take care of their men…. and the men took care of their women.

      • Martina

        "ALL COLORS were happy to take care of their men"

        which fairy tale exactly are you talking about? That's the typical male view on the good old times in which women were happy to work 18 hours in the house only to beg for some money. It wasn't like that and you know it, so stop lying!

        • thesportinlife

          now you work 18 hours for a white male owned corporation and beg for more money every year. Congrats

          • theoneash20

            Nice rebuttal

        • revel

          My grandmother, her sisters and all of their friends did it, I did it I don't know about yours. And most of these women worked hard jobs as domestics or in factories and still held down their home and men. So yea, this is a generational thing in that women are no longer willing to fulfill the responsibilities in the home for taking care of their men.

  • ladyscholar

    And number 2, Disregard for gender roles??? I understand that “Femininity is warm, nurturing, discerning and genteel” socially, but it is also worth noting that socially Black women have NEVER been known as such. So are you asking us to become our socially-accepted feminine white counterpart? If so, your issue is a bit deeper than feminism.

    So what are black women? The outside world may not view us as warm, nurturing, or genteel. So if I strive to be those things, I’m trying to be a white woman? Next you’ll say , if I pronounce the -ing at the end of a word, I’m talking white. Miss me with that mess.

    • IJM

      No I'm not saying that. My point is that Lashaun is expressing her opinions based on SOCIAL CONSTRUCTIONS alone. You can not talk about social constructions of gender like let the man be a man and the changes in gender roles without mentioning that Black people have not and do not always follow these. The way femininity has been constructed in this culture is that White women are genteel and demure while Black women are strong and tough. So essentially Black womens' identities have been constructed in a way that likens them to a more masculine identity. So the "change in gender roles" that Lashaun is talking about is not exactly conducive to a conversation about BLACK women. That's what I'm saying. I would think that a "scholar" would be knowledgeable about such things.

      • blissues

        "You can not talk about social constructions of gender like let the man be a man and the changes in gender roles without mentioning that Black people have not and do not always follow these."

        Then why are 90% of these responses here all about "Let a man be a man"? You either want us to follow gender roles or, as you've done, acknowledge that black people don't always do so. It's pretty clear that a lot of woman commenters want guys to fill those gender roles.

  • http://www.brittneyj-shewrites.blogspot.com Brittney J

    I agree with you @IJM. This article sounds completely opinion based. I hope anyone who reads this doesn’t think that All feminists act like that because its not true. As a feminist, I’m appalled at this. This article takes feminism and paints it in a bad light. And for your information, Lashaun Williams, Republicans and other politicians are hard at work trying to keep women from getting birth control. Do your research.

  • ladyscholar

    What is silly about this article? And there is no contradiction . You can comprehend that on a spectrum there is middle ground. Don’t be a Ho, but when it comes to your man don’t be so restricted. Chicks want to be dainty and demure but are startled when he leaves for the freakier choice. Guess some people were taught balance.

  • Prissy

    I see SOME points that make sense. Then I see SOME that are just plain silly…

    • theoneash20

      all these points make sense Prissy

  • IJM

    Of course, I support the idea that everyone does and should have an opinion. Problem is your is skewed and you have offered very little evidence that supports this "theory". Are you basing these examples off of your friends? Women in your family? Yourself? Though I'm sure these type of "feminists" exist, you seemed to be speaking for and to an entire feminist-identifying community without offering how you know this. While you did distinguish between feminism and "misguided feminism" you still seem to be telling women that who they are and who they want to be is not enough. How are you any different from a Steve Harvey or any other man who feels like he has the right to tell a woman who she NEEDS to be to have a man. I would much rather be single than have to compromise who I am or what I believe. Also, you really contradicted yourself with number 1 and 7.

    And number 2, Disregard for gender roles??? I understand that "Femininity is warm, nurturing, discerning and genteel" socially, but it is also worth noting that socially Black women have NEVER been known as such. So are you asking us to become our socially-accepted feminine white counterpart? If so, your issue is a bit deeper than feminism.

    • Eric McDaniel

      If you don't compromise you will always be single and that's a fact. You think you're going to have it your way all the time? A relationship with another person depends on compromise. It isn't Steve Harvey's fault he sold so many books to women. Actually it's nobody's "fault". Some women are actually interested in attracting a man and being the type of woman that a man wants to be with so they bought the book.

      • IJM

        Ok but I'm not single. I am married and in fact it is my feminist ideologies that attracted my husband to me. He doesn't NEED me to "let a man be a man" because he is man enough to feel like one REGARDLESS of how strong I am. That's what I don't understand about men and women who think like this. I don't need a man to make me feel like a "lady" because it's a social construction anyway. We need to allow people to be people. If a woman wants to be soft that is her choice, just like it's her choice to be strong and hard. THAT is what feminism is about. The CHOICE to be the woman you want to be. I'm not saying don't compromise in a relationship. I'm saying be who you are, because who you are is what SHOULD have attracted the person in the first place. The way I see it, if a man can be emasculated than he wasn't secure in his own masculinity to begin with. There is nothing I can do to take away something that should be innate.

        • Eric McDaniel

          If you're married you compromise.

          • IJM

            Well obviously, I don't think I said I DON'T COMPROMISE, I simply said I won't compromise who I am or my identity….But no one should do that man or woman.

        • Black and Feminine

          AMEN!! These concepts of masculinity and femininity are SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED and I ALREADY know I'm a lady. (I also happen to be in a strong committed relationship with the man I want to marry one day…and he has no issue with my strength!). You've said the brightest thing I've read yet–it's about the CHOICE to be the woman you want to be, regardless of the BS norms society has set into place.

          AND ANOTHER thing that pisses me off—how come COMPROMISING always means the woman has to sacrifice something so her man can be happy!?!?!? I rarelllyyyy see this the other way around–just saying!!

        • theoneash20

          @IJM @Eric McDaniel That husband will get cheated on in a few years if not already

    • King Beef

      Arent you the chick whose dude was locked up????GTFOH….

    • Zahra

      She didn't attack anyone though.

    • http://www.epkworks.com Ivan Johnson

      IJM, I think that what LaShaun Williams is promoting is balance – not compromise. You may be surprised at what the powers-that-be have launched in days gone by to annihilate any semblance of unity among Blacks – especially between the sexes. This is not paranoia! (I wish it were). If you possibly can, check out "Reflections and Warnings: An Interview with Aaron Russo." The late Mr. Russo was a successful film producer and happened to have associated with a few high-ranking individuals who have an inside track on certain "mandates" which he generously passed on to us in this documentary.

      • revel

        Sorry I clicked on the wrong thumb. I meant to give you a thumbs UP Ivan, but you can't correct your choice after the fact.

    • theoneash20

      I agree Daniel… Women are the ones complaining how single they are, but don't want to change… It is psychotic…

  • LoveIs…

    This is funny! Make me chuckle. I love being a femanine girly girl. While I do understand some feminist theories . I don't totally agree that we shouldn't let a man be a man. I like being treated like a lady and having doors opened for me and all that kind of stuff. However I don't mind returning favours for my man, to make him feel worthy and special. Love is… a two way street. Bring back the love people makes the world go round ;-)

  • tyty

    inx.lv/Z2