8 Rules for Being “Friends With Benefits”

41 Comments
June 18, 2010 ‐ By Danielle Kwateng

It all starts out simple. You were friends. Then you decided to ‘get busy’. Then you both decide to remain friends and continue to get busy. That’s it…no strings attached. Spooning is OK, but no one is obligated to sleep over. No one has to call the next day to check in. Both of you can even date other people. Simple, no?

“Cuddy buddies”, “FFs”, “friends with benefits (F.W.B.)”– whatever fancy term you give it, there’s never anything simple about it.

Relationships have become increasingly carefree and physical, as women and men are marrying later in life. The boundaries between male/female relationships are less apparent and sex easily slips into the dichotomy. On the surface it makes sense to enjoy sex with someone you can trust, if you both aren’t ready for a serious relationship. But for some strange reason, F.W.B. always turns into a bad situation.

We can’t restrain you from acting on your burning loins, but can give a few tips to avoid an atrocity.

First- REMEMBER you are not his girlfriend or going to become his girlfriend by having sex with him. You are a friend, who is a girl…that’s it. If you go in (no pun, well maybe a little) expecting him to change his mind about your place in his life, you may be disappointed and left feeling like you’ve wasted your time. If you want an emotionally fulfilling relationship, seek out one, don’t try to create one.

Second- If you choose to date other people, understand that they may not be comfortable with your cuddy buddy set up. It may be difficult for them to meet your friends, if your hooking up with one of them.

Third- Don’t sweat the small stuff. All the common relationship courtesy’s don’t apply. He doesn’t have to call. He doesn’t have to meet your other friends. He doesn’t have to mention you to his friends. And foreplay is appreciated, but not required.

Fourth- Don’t become territorial. REMEMBER you are not his girlfriend.

Fifth- Lil Wayne said it best, “don’t get too comfortable”. Unless you’ve created a time chart for how long your special meet ups will take place, they can end abruptly.

Sixth- Be discreet, don’t get too touchy in public and only tell a select number of friends. Once again, if one of you decides to date an outside person they will not appreciate everyone in your circle knowing you two have had relations.

Seventh- Avoid being F.W.B. with a close friend. Hooking up with acquaintances is always an ideal situation because you don’t run into them on a regular basis.

Eighth- Understand your relationship will never be the same again. There’s something about seeing another person naked that changes everything. If you value your relationship platonically, be leery of taking it in another direction. Biologically, sex educes hormones in women that creates a sense of happiness and loyalty that can manifest into emotional attachment. Biologically for men, sex educes hormones that put them to sleep. See the difference?

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  • Lana

    Friend with benefits is the best for me I like my friend we enjoy spend time and sex is like a desert I emotional unavailable and my friend too we enjoy spend time together. I am busy and my friend too we spend time together and movie on w us daily duty. It nice watch movie together and we laugh and talk I like my friend and sex is good too. HAPPY have my friend

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  • Crushed

    I’m finding out the hard way, I am not Fwb material. I’ve broken so many of these rules. Worst thing, he’s a coworker. We were friends at first. Granted, it wasn’t clear at first that this was a fwb situation. Things were said like I have no intention s, but also let’s see were this goes. I made it clear that I feel things VERY deeply, I don’t like to share, & this needed to be more than just sex. I am no booty call. I found out 4 mths later that he was in a place in his life where he could give somebody what they deserve, relationship wise (his words). My heart was already invested. I decided to give it try. Shame on me, right? Stupid me! Now what do I do. I’m a mess in this – I’m a mess when I try to get out of it. The hardest part for me is knowing he’s with other females. I think he’s messing with someone else at work too. If he is, that’s disrespectful to me, right? But I can’t ask him, it’s not my business, right? I’ve f’d myself! I’m a strong woman, so why am I being so weak…smh

    • crushed

      CORRECTION: he COULDN’T* give somebody what they deserve, relationship wise (his words).

    • A

      Hi Crushed, the same thing happened to me. Is it a funny world when everything goes wrong.

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  • Toiah

    They forgot the most important rule for being an FWB! Don’t.

  • Nataly

    I got involved with my friend he said we were fwb unfortunately i got attachd to him and know he doesnt even talk to me no more. It hurts but it was a lesson well learned. Fwb hard to keep just friends.

  • yikes

    oh my god what did i get myself into. I already broke at least half of those rules…. great… I’m going to lose him forever. So much for, “I promise it won’t be detrimental to our friendship… we can always go back…”

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  • Darvulia

    Question. I´m recently divorced and just bumped into a guy I used to be FWB in college. He had a girlfriend then. I kind of fell for him, but he said he wanted to marry a girl who´d be a housewife. He married and divorced her, then lived with someone and doesn´t want a relationship, I don´t want one either. We used to have great chemistry in bed and had lots of fun. I really just want to have good sex ocasionally, since the last years of my marriage stunk in that department. Could it be a good idea?

  • Alyssiaa Xo

    Seeing someone naked doesn’t change everything. Me and my friend actually haven’t had sex just everything in between and us seeing eachother naked hasn’t changed anything. It’s made us able to talk about more if anything!

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    This article has been somewhat of a revelation to me.

  • Allaloneindetroit

    I’d like to add some: no dick sucking, I’m not your woman and your not my man; you much always wear a condom, we are not exclusive; birthday sex is out of the question, I don’t really care when your birthday is and No you can’t come to my house, I’ll see you at your spot and only your spot.

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  • Confused

    So what if you have FWB who doesnt care you have a significant other now and dont want to complicate things further….the thought of hooking up is exciiting but I dont want to burden of feeling guilty.

  • Adonis

    Seriously a woman being the epitome of a relationship she has to be cautious with FWBs but men also talk too much and they can forget and start saying what goes on with the FWB idea…

    • Ski2liv66

      I just watched my fwb leave And I miss her.I Want More so guys can Be just as needy as the ladys.
      least I. Am

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  • guest

    I agree with most about the article being one side but I've been "F.W.B" with the same person for 10 years now and things have never gotten werid between us. Till this day we are still very good close friends n yet we have met each others dates all the time. I think, its all about having an understanding and sticking too it.

  • Amy

    I am female and thought the same, I am in one of these situations and just recently started dating a guy, my FWB had a BIG problem with it.

  • Leah

    i have a guy friend,Him and i see each other very often. he always comes over to see me.But hes the type of guy that likes to have fun and meet new people.But for some reason i have a feeling he really likes me and wants something more.He once mentioned it,he says im a great person and that im fun and that he would love to date me. but the only thing that's stoping him is his friend.Because i used to go out with one of his friends.this might all sound confussing to some of you, but hes an amaizing guy. when we be together we just have so much fun. we never argue or fight. we always agree with the shiit we do and he supports me at everything i do. i am kind of confussed but im affraid i might catch feelings for him and in the end he lets me down.

  • dora

    I'm banging my best friends brother.
    He's funny and handsome….im experimenting.
    lets see how it turns out :)

  • FWB Relationships

    As of right now, I'm in one of those FWBs relationships and I'm happy with mines. Being a female, I was the one to say this is what it's going to be and if you don't like the terms we can just remain friends. He got where I was coming from and agreed to go along with it. It's been going on for a little over year and we are perfrctly happy because we both understand how we are and we are completely honest about everthing that happens. We also have expressed how we feel about each other and I'm not gonna lie I fell in love with him but never told him because I came up with the terms of the relationship but after he told me that he was in love with me, I told him and ever since then our friendship has been great, I guess its the honesty that has us in the place we're at now. So with all that being said a FWB relationship can work, just be honest with one another and everything else will flow just how you want it to, with emotional feelings and all.

    • Fwb

      U could be the lucky one but others not to lucky n end up with a heart broken. I will sugest dont get into fwb

  • SigBat

    @platinumplayer

    Don't worry. Not everyone labels women that way. And who cares what a person would do it thinks anyway?

  • platinumplayer

    this article is well written, it's funny when females show a don't care attitude after a sexual encounter, some men do 1 of 2 things, they either become attached or they label the woman a hoe. Yet it's fine for a man to hit it and run but the ladies are not suppose to do it too.

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    TOO COMPLICATED

  • seriouslythough

    Amazing what some people can get others to believe in when they stop using their commonsense. There is no such thing as FWB – just people too lazy or scared to commit to something worth building so let’s remove the “friends” from FWB and just call it “with benefits”, because long term only one party is really benefiting from it while the other is going to feel like a total idiot for being used like a condom or a vibrator – “hello, good morning”.

  • smartcookie

    This is a very good article but it goes both ways, it not always the women because some women can accept it for what it is and move on. My question would be how long is it okay for one of these relationships to go on. I was involved in one for about 7 years and I got to the point where it was like ok were grown but at the same time I think we just got so used to it. That shouldve been added on here but the women on here raise a great point.

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  • Isis P.

    I agree 100% with the article, but I've played by these rules and the dude still caught feelings for me. What am I to do in that situation?

  • SigBat

    Oh for Christsakes, Ladies. yes! It's a women oriented website. Of course it is voiced as advice towards females.

  • http://aye10 MeMe

    @ wtf … agreed . this came across as a lesson primarily for women … reminding us to stay in our place … smh . the rules were right however … but they wrk both ways …

  • Take A Hike Brother.

    There are no rules. Just guerilla dating tactics.

    These arrangements always end up in disaster. Women need to cultivate more dating options for themselves. FWB is a one-dimensional farce.

    "Girls can't do what the guys do, and still be a lady". Betty White

  • vikkiejay

    If this is a posItive blog for black women…. Why is it giving steps to be a sideline hoe… And what about protection? (Unwanted pregnancy, AIDS, herpes, self-respect…..)

    • Ollie Bray

      i think this article assumes a base level of education (i.e. everything we were told from the age of 10 at the latest) so using protection shouldn't be a priority point of advice for an internet blog aimed at adult people (adolescent at the earliest) god help us if i'm wrong x

  • Mimi

    I need to email this list to one of my best friends. Right now, she is in a friends-with-benefits relationship with an acquaintance of hers, but she is starting to do things for him that only a "girlfriend/wifey/wife" does: feeding him with the little bit of food that she has in her apartment (as well as his brothers), taking him out to restaurants and paying the bill, giving him gas money (when she hardly rides in his car), etc.

  • daphne

    I am currently in one of these "friends with benefits" relationships with a former co-worker. I think we both have grown to care for each other, and would like it to be more than what it is, but you can't start off a relationship this way. Sometimes, you don't get to see a persons true qualities—until you become intimate with them, by then—its too late.

  • afrodite

    i think this post is realistic. i find it rediculous that you posters are so judgemental. it's more sexist to me to say thay any woman who had a purely sexual relationship is a sideline hoe. your antiquated ideals about relationshiops is why we need articles like this for modern women to look to.