As a new mother, I have a confession to make. I didn’t always like children. Actually, let me rephrase – I didn’t always like ALL children. I think most people can agree with that sentiment, but there are others who would argue with me that all kids are likeable. I guess that’s where I would have disagreed in the past. Maybe.
Now that I have an infant son, I’ve softened my view a little bit about children and their “likeability” – mainly because I’d never want anyone to call my kid a jerk. However, if my child were behaving like a jerk, I’d take that as a reflection on me and my parenting than on my child. But not all parents think that way. I bring this up because I saw a woman on the train call a child an a-hole, right in front of his mother – and I totally agreed with her. Not with her saying it per se, but with her assessment of the child.
Now I know that may seem harsh, or even cruel – and it probably was considering an adult should know better than to address a child in that way. And you could also argue that it was disrespectful to the child’s mother. I know I’d certainly take offense to someone calling my child out of his name, and she would have caught an earful from me. But let me paint the picture for you.
The child, a boy about 10 years old, was kicking the stranger’s chair and her leg. She politely asked the mother if she could tell her son to stop kicking the chair, and the mother complied. But the boy kept doing it, all while looking at his mother and the stranger as if to say “F-you.” The mother asked again, and he said “no!” By now we’re all expecting the mother to knock said boy into next week, but instead she just gave us all an exasperated look – defeated. So the stranger took it upon herself to get up and move, to which the boy replied, “Yes, you move you stupid lady.” I think my head spun around. What?? I wish MY son would.
Again, everyone looked to the mother to see if he’d catch a kick to the throat, but instead she did nothing. We sat there stunned, and angry at his mother’s actions…or lack thereof. That’s when the stranger said it – “you’re an a-hole.” Right to the little boy’s face. And just like that, he got his act together. The mother…again…said nothing.
Now again, I’m not saying that the woman should have called the child an a-hole. But to a complete stranger, that’s what he was acting like, whereas to others he may have just been behaving like little kids do. At nine months old, my son is starting to assert his independence. But rebelling against a diaper change and being a 10-year-old who is kicking a woman’s chair are two totally different things. At 10, he’s old enough to know better. By that age, there’s a difference between testing boundaries and being outright disrespectful. By 10 years old, behaving like a jerk is a choice. And by 10 years old, parents should have laid some sort of foundation where good behavior is expected and bad behavior is punished.
But how do you know when a child is just being a kid, or when they’re being a jerk? Without knowing a child’s back story, their upbringing, what is going on in his home (or isn’t) and what his family dynamic is, it’s hard to tell if a child should wear the label of a jerk or if you should feel compassion for him. I’ll admit, it’s hard for me to feel sorry for a kid past a certain age – and 10 years old is pushing up on that number. I can see a child who is, say…4…acting up – because they may not have the communication skills necessary to say “I’m tired,” “I’m hungry” or “I’m bored…and that’s why I’m turning into the Tasmanian Devil.” But by 10 years old, if you’re well-fed and well rested, then you don’t get a pass from me. You’re just a jerk.
Now I know what you’re all saying – maybe it’s the parents who are the jerks, and are therefore raising jerk kids. I agree with you – I usually blame the parents. But guess what – that child is still a jerk, no matter how he came to be that way. Most a-hole adults were a-hole kids. And so the cycle continues.
So what to do? I guess if it’s not your kid or a child you have an influence over, there’s nothing you really can do except pray that the child either outgrows his “a$$holery”, or the parents step up their parenting game before it’s too late and they have a grown up jerk on their hands. That said, maybe I’m an a-hole for calling kids jerks in the first place – who knows. I’m willing to own that, so pray for me. Like I said, I’m a new mother with a new compassionate outlook on children and their behavior, so I’m willing to concede that I may have been too harsh. And for that I’m sorry. I’m working on not being a jerk myself so I can be sure not to raise one. But to all my parents out there – have you ever thought your kid was a jerk, and if so, would you ever admit it? I’m interested in the answers to this one!
