Relationship Debate: ‘My Man Keeps His Phone on ‘Silent”

March 1, 2011  |  

Dear China,

My boyfriend always keeps his phone on SILENT. Sometimes I catch him texting, but I never hear his phone go off. I asked him why he keeps his phone on silent when I’m around, and he just says he doesn’t want to be rude. Is this something I should be worried about?

AT & Me Wireless

Dear AT & Me Wireless,
How long have you been with this man? Why do you have to “catch” him texting? Your language here is filled with suspicion, and it seems as though you’re not comfortable in your relationship. A phone is just a phone, and texting is just texting–unless your man is on some ‘Tiger Woods’ craziness, then you might have a problem.

You probably want me to tell you to tell your man to take his phone off ‘silent,’ because having it in that mode is making you feel uncomfortable and insecure. However, that sort of advice would sound rather odd, wouldn’t it? I mean, it would be like me telling you to tell your man to eliminate turtlenecks from his wardrobe choices, so you can be sure he has no hickies from another girl.

I can’t control your man’s objects, cherie. And neither can you.

I think, the issue here is not the object; it’s the subject, i.e. you. You are not secure in your relationship. You do not trust your man. You are incredibly suspicious of him. And you need to ask yourself why.

If you find no reason to distrust your man, then don’t. If you have good reason to think that he’s cheating on you, then ask him if he is. Tell him that you find it strange that his phone never rings around you…I mean, maybe he doesn’t want his time with you interrupted. Who knows? Talk it out with him and see what he’s thinking. If you discover that he’s cheating, move on.

À Bientôt,
Madame C.

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  • jgirl

    My guy has his phone on vibrate and neve tells me who it is. I always catch him checking it constantly and when I ask he says its his kids but yet he says he has not heard from them ha

    • budgie

      My man did the same thing the other day. Hee keps his phone on silent but someone noticed his phone went off for a message and told him. So he picked his phone up before I could see it and he said oh no. Then I asked him and he said it was his mom but yet we were at the phone place because they accidently changed his line to his moms so her phone was not working at that time. I have caught him many times talking to his ex and messaging other girls when he works overnight. I get random pictures all the time of girls showing me him texting them but when I keep calm and just confront him of course he does what every other man does and denies everything. So to you who keep saying to just ask him what is that seriously going to do. They can easily lie and then there you become the crazy one.

  • becka

    The fact that he is hiding some thing is enough to raise suspicions.When u are investing time with some one u have the right to confirm your suspicions when they are hiding things.What else might they be hiding if their not sharing every thing. A relationship is built on trust and with out trust there is no relationship.It is nice to confirm suspicions instead of being played or lead a stray that way you can invest your time on some one more worth while than some one just trying to play games.

  • actually, it's polite to keep phone silent during dates. I hate when men keep picking up on me. this screams DOUCHE. he tried to come across as busy and wanted but comes off as actually pretty RUDE.

  • Dee Sapp

    This advice was HORRIBLE! Clearly, she doesn't trust him. Even Stevie Wonder can see that. Please allow me to speak from past experience. Ask him straight up what the deal is? If he denies anything out of the norm, then tell him you don't mind the rudeness but to place his phone on ring. How is he just assuming, you find it rude. Actually I find it rude that your phone is ringing and you aren't answering.

    If his phone is on silent and he's covertly sending text messages then chances are he is up to something. Would you accept this from you husband? I am sure the answer is H*ll No! The why accept it from someone who you look at as potentially husband material? YES, husband material. Because you said boyfriend so I assume you aren't just dating him to kill some time otherwise you wouldn't care about what he did with his phone.

    I am sure he ALSO has a passcode on his phone! Right? Don't be stupid girl. Your instincts are telling you that somethings not right. Check it out. Don't be like the broads who WASTE years of their life only to find out their dude was about that BS. To the gentleman who said- "Look for trouble and you will find it." GOOD! That's the point. To FIND it..whatever it may be. So that I don't waste my time.

    Honey, take THAT advice because clearly the responder didn't quite get the memo on how to give solid advice. So let's recap:

    1. Ask him straight up if somethings going on and to put his phone on ring because you find it rude that he doesn't. Since he is so concerned about being rude to you.

    2.If number one doesn't work. Check his phone. If you dont find anything then drop it. If you do find something, drop him.

    Warning: If you find something he will either lie or turn it around on you and try to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it. Leave this joker alone. He clearly is a scam artist.

    • S.P.I.

      LOL! Girl, you sound cuh-razy and manless!

    • Molly

      Dee, you are right about advice number 1. However, for advice number 2, I suggest that AT & Me skips that part. She is already suspicious about his extracurricular activities. If she starts snooping through his phone, what are the odds that she's going to "find" something that he cannot explain away — whether or not he is lying. There is a good chance that AT & Me will never believe him, even if he is telling the truth. (This advice is coming from personal experience. My (soon-to-be ex-) fiance, cheated on me for years, convincingly lied about suspicious behavior, and didn't come clean until the other woman came knocking on our door one day.)

      So, Ms. AT & Me, take Dee's first advice. But remember this: If you feel the need to snoop through his cellphone or belongings, then it's time to pack it up and move on. And PLEASE don't run to the next man until you completely get over this guy and discover your true worth.

  • sandip

    Look for trouble and you will find it. If she is worried about him cheating, he probably is cheating. My thought is she should tell him it a good idea and put her phone on silent.

  • art

    Phone rings, she's b*tching
    Phone silent, shes moaning..
    Can we win?

    • Amazed

      Hahaha! @ Can we win?

    • The real Young M.C

      women are never happy playboy,you have to come to expect that by now

  • Dave

    Great, great , great advice. I've been there. And like Rastaman suggests I ran never to return.

    Why do women do this? Seriously? Is this considered grown up behavior?
    If you dont trust him have the courage to leave him alone or ask him straight up.

  • My2Cents

    Yes, I think the guy referenced in the article has a bigger issue than the woman. Because he is being looked at with the old "side-eye". Which means, whether she knows it or not she's acting skittish or doing things in an off handed way that shows she's insecure. Now a guy who's really paying attention will ask her what's wrong and the flood gates will open and she can clear the air. If he does ask her "what's wrong?" and she says "nothing", this relationship is headed for a very messy ending.
    It is always best to make sure you're not projecting a personal issue onto your partner in a relationship. Caring partners can help each other past or over previous relationship hurdles but they cannot solve them for each other independently.

  • Rastaman

    Advise homeboy to run!!