The other day a friend was telling me about a new guy she was interested in. She seemed excited about the prospect of a relationship with him because he had never been married, was straight, was “caked up” (her words, not mine), is an educated professional man and has no children. By all accounts, he sounded like a great catch and she made it clear she was trying to “bag” this one. She also told me that she informed him that she wasn’t “dating for sport” as she is looking to get married and have children one day. All of it sounded good to me…except the “not dating for sport” part.
When I was single, I DID look at dating as a sport. Although I knew I wanted to get married and have a child one day, I never was one to put all of my eggs in one basket. I’d date 2, sometimes 3 guys at a time and had a great time doing it. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t having sex with all of them – I was simply having a good time going out to dinner, the movies, a play, you name it. Most women (and some men) think that dating multiple people at once is somehow unethical, or “whorish.” If you’re having sex with all 5 of the men you’re dating, I can see why that might not be a good look. But even then, as long as you’re honest with all of them and protecting yourself, that’s your business, not mine.
I’m not here advocating for promiscuity or being deceitful. I’m simply saying that there’s nothing wrong with dating to gain new experiences while you’re looking for the right person. When I was single, I used dating as a way to learn what I wanted, what I didn’t want, what I needed to work on for myself and what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Along the way I dated some really wonderful guys who are still friends to this day, even though it didn’t end at the altar. Dating several men gave me the ability to recognize a good man from a dog, to muddle though all the BS and to be able to discern when someone is being genuine vs. someone who just wanted a jump-off. I didn’t date simply to find a husband, but to expand my view of what I wanted in a partner because dating different men allowed me to consider some traits in a mate I had never considered before.
Now this isn’t to say that there were some guys who I truly liked and wanted to see where the relationship would take us – and I’ve definitely been disappointed in my dating adventures. But I also feel that I avoided the sting of putting all my hopes and dreams into one guy only to have it crash and burn. If you find, after dating several guys, that ONE stands out and you both decide to become monogamous in the process, then great! But until then, just roll with it and keep your options open.
Dating for sport should be seen as a fun way to do meaningful things with interesting people who could end up being “The One”. If you’re too busy checking off your list when you meet someone to see if they’re marriage material, you could be losing out on the experience itself. There is nothing wrong with trying a new restaurant, going wine tasting, enjoying a movie or two or having great conversation with someone who ISN’T the love of your life. Take the pressure off and use dating as a way to hone your interpersonal skills so that when the One does show up, you’ll be well versed in relationship skills that will likely lead to a very mature and strong commitment.
When you know you want to get married, it’s hard not to look at a potential date without wondering if you’re wasting your time. But maybe you’re secretly sabotaging your own end game. Try changing your approach of dating for a mate to dating for fun and see what happens. You know that saying about kissing a lot of frogs in order to find your Prince? Well it’s true. Just make sure to have fun, have fresh breath and use Chapstick while you’re puckering up, and you may find him sooner than you think.
