Would You Date a Guy Who Is Less Successful Than You?

58 comments
May 23, 2014 ‐ By Ezinne Ukoha

 

 

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I had a pretty heated conversation with my girlfriends the other day. I am sure you can guess what we were talking about. Guys! What else? We had gathered for our weekly banter that always includes Mexican food and glasses of margaritas.

Once we were all happily served, we got on the topic of what types of guys we would absolutely not consider dating. I have always been classified as the girl who expects “too much” from potential mates. I actually resent that label. All I have ever wanted was to meet someone who is respectful, resourceful, kind, considerate and college educated with a decent job. If that’s a tall order then I am guilty. To me, that’s not really asking much. It’s the basic framework and if I meet those requirements, I should demand the same from a guy who will eventually be the father of my children.

Some of my friends agree with my theory, but the rest are not convinced that I am on the right track. One of them in particular is consistently challenging me by asking tasking questions that she hopes would get me to jump off my “high horse.” She is determined to prove that I am quite possibly my own worst enemy and the reason why I have not been able to find a mate. Her main grief with me is that I am adamant about dating a guy with a college degree. I think it’s partly because she is not a college graduate, so she takes it personally that I am being somewhat snobbish.

The truth is that I have dated guys who didn’t have degrees, and even though the sex was mind-blowing, I couldn’t accept a future with them. Most of them held blue-collar jobs and as a result, they didn’t make much money. I made more than them, and that is a reality I don’t want to live with when I choose my future husband. I would prefer to be with a man who makes substantially more than me, because that will enable us to pool our resources in a progressive way.

But my friend is of the opinion that if you are truly looking for someone to share your life with, you need to be open to all the possibilities, even if they don’t all match up with your expectations. She asked me if I would consider dating a nice respectful gentleman, who loves me beyond measure but happens to be a garbage man or a postal worker. I told her there was no way I would date those guys seriously, because in the long run, we wouldn’t be compatible. I look at settling down as a way to make a home with a guy who can match me financially. Love is a great asset but that the end of the day, if you intend to have children, it is imperative that both of us are in a position to accommodate that. I would also hope that my kids would be college bound so for me that is a huge deal.

Whoever I end up with has to share my values and educational background. But for some of my friends, it’s not something they care that much about. They just want to fall in love, and they don’t care if they end up being the breadwinner. I definitely care. I want my man to make more than me.

How do you feel? Would you date a guy who is less accomplished than you?

 

 

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  • Kai26

    A man would never be asked if he would date a woman who is less successful than him.

  • Lindsey

    Call me old fashioned, but I believe a man should be able to take care of a woman and if you can’t take care of me if I choose not to work, we can not be together.

  • Allyce

    Nope. You need what I have or better. Ladies, don’t feel guilty. Men should want the same too.

  • mimi

    Postal workers make over 25 dollars an hour don’t sleep plus time and a half. I understand garbage men.

  • Stanley 001

    I make more than all the women I’ve been with. I’m not about to have any problem If I ever meet a woman that makes more than I.

    • coolyfett

      All the women ive dated made less then me also. Im actually still cool with all my ex girlfriends. Most of them still have some interest in me, so thats whats up. Personally im not really attracted to the ones who have been around the world n back, but some guys like those types of women. Its all good.

  • NOPe

    A lot of women are successful regarding their individual accomplishments (education, career, etc.) but many of these same women are horrible at getting, building, and maintaining a relationship because it requires actual teamwork.

    • thatguy0101

      Hmmmm thats what Ive been tryng to say for the longest. Teamwork will always make the dreamwork, and if a woman is trying to be a man, already having everything; house, cars, good job, toys, etc… what else is there to accomplish together?? But I truly feel upbringing has alot to do with it, I have the teamwork attitude in me, because I saw how my parents who are still married went from combined income of 42K a year when me and my sisters were born to now owning 3 homes, owning a boat, combined income over 200k, traveling twice a year, and living a very comfortable good life…… because of what, putting there PRIDE aside and WORKING AS A TEAM..

      • Theta

        I agree with your idea that teamwork makes the dream work and a woman should be humble etc. But, a woman can’t have a house, job and car already? That’s a turn off and makes her look like trying to be a man? That’s ridiculous. All adult people should at least try for these things.

        • NOPe

          No, I think his/our point is a lot of women act like because they have X, Y, and Z that they also deserve a man and/or the type of man they want should be impressed with X, Y, and Z.

          Whatever a woman considers to be a catch, that man doesn’t really need you and is doing just fine without you.

  • 9Boots

    Once again some folks are trying to shame BW for setting standards and higher standards at that. No other group of women is shamed for practicing hypergamy. As long as BW continue to limit themselves to BM they will continue to run into this problem.

    • thatguy0101

      The devil has arrived, you are truly a miserable women. Are you married? Do you have children??

      • 9Boots

        I think you are miserable. You are on a women’s site and spew nothing but “you guys are stuck up, not everybody wants you” blah blah blah.

        • thatguy0101

          Whats sooo comical about you is, Ive never ever put down black women, my mother and sisters are black and I have the utmost respect and love for them, so tell me where I was telling “successful” women to settle?? All I stated was never settle but there are far more things important than a man having degrees and everyhing about money…. is it wrong to think that way?!?!

          • 9Boots

            Please spare me the ignorance. You constantly state ” you are not entitled to anything” every time a BW states her preference. BW are allowed to state what they want regardless of if you think they deserve it or not. Stop policing BW’s desires.

            • coolyfett

              Desires….interesting

    • rose

      I disagree. My friend was making 75000 a year. He got laid off in this economy. He is having a hard time finding a job making as much. So he should be locked out of the dating market?

      • 9Boots

        Men lock women out of the marriage and dating market all the time. Your friend show focus on getting back on his feet instead of dating.

        • C’mon son

          Your first sentence is everything! And that is why we *have to have the standards we do to avoid the drama. The “men” who comment on these posts are the perfect examples of what we need to weed out.

          • 9Boots

            Exactly. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

    • 1Val

      Co-signed. Who would rear their daughters to date and marry bums? Why would anyone make excuses for males being underachievers yet ridicule women for being disinterested in dating them?

      • 9Boots

        These insecure, predatory, controlling, manipulative males have BW going around in circles. You can’t please them. If you want the man to be the primary bread winner and the provider then they call you a gold digger and say that you need to get your own. If you say you want a man to be as successful as you then you are stuck up and too independent. If you get with an underachieving male then you are told your dumb and should not have chosen a bum. I having a saying. “Anytime there is confusion and chaos, it’s because evil is present.”

        It should not have to be this hard and complicating to find someone to love and marry. These males just don’t like being told “no”. They think they are entitled to women and that they are the only one’s that can say “no” in life.

  • NOPe

    lol at the mods once again holding one of my posts in limbo.

  • Guest

    People always say don’t settle…

    • NOPe

      And “settling” implies that a person actually has other options to chose from.

      • Yellowcrayons

        Sometimes….Successful women can make an OPTION HAPPEN if she needs to.A lot of men don’t get it…whether a woman is fat,ugly…don’t look so good or whatever she can still find an option! Relationships and Marriage are partnerships. Some men think that “I love you” will get them through the door and for successful women often times that doesn’t work.

        • NOPe

          When a person has just one wack option, or two or more wack options, that isn’t settling, that’s just the reality of a person’s present situation.A person can’t settle if they don’t have anything better.

          • Yellowcrayons

            Please define a whack option!

            • NOPe

              For example, the type of men that a lot of women are constantly complaining about winding up with. Many of them don’t have better options, so they’re not really “settling”, that just the reality of their situation.

              • Guest

                Have never known
                someone who limited to just a few options especially when it comes to dating
                unless they are in a VERY REMOTE area and even then, they can venture out with
                the help of the Internet. One should never settle for lack of options…but
                oftentimes one does settle for A Great Partner, Love & Good Sex!

              • Yellowcrayons

                Have never known someone who was just limited to a options especially when it comes to dating unless they are in a VERY REMOTE area and even then, they can venture out with
                the help of the Internet. One should never settle for lack of options…but oftentimes one does settle for A Great Partner, Love & Good Sex!

  • Guest

    Having someone who is compatible with you,someone who is in the relationship for the long haul and someone who won’t cheat or run at the first sign of trouble is what concerns me the more than education!

  • thatguy0101

    Its almost mind-boggling that women have a requirement of “having a degree” for a potential husband and mate, when SOOOOOOO many other things are far more important. So you mean to tell me if a man comes from a wonderful family, his parents still happily married, no family drama, he has no kids, has a normal car (Honda accord), a normal job (lets say he’s a leasing agent), has an apt with a friend or alone, and is down-to-earth and has his life somewhat in order and he has no degree…..he’s not good enough for a woman that is supposely you alls idea of “successful”??? Maaaan, that aint right. And thats why alot of you “successfull” females are lonely..

    I know education is important, (Im a pro-education type of guy) but I know education is expensive as H*LL, because I attended and graduated from college. Everyone is not privileged like some of us to be able to go to college and/or even continue to stay in college and afford it. So I wouldnt ever make it a requirement for my make, it would be NICE if she had one but its definitely not a requirement.

    I have 2 sisters,and I always told them a man must have these few things: his own place, a car (dont matter what type it is as long as it runs and is reliable), and be gainfully employed, and next is his character and if he respect you and is a man of good character….and thats it! If he has thoses things, give him a chance….. and what do you know… both my sisters are happily married now.

    As a 31 year old man that has no problem attracting women, I’ve realize about alot (not all) women from my dating life, the more a woman is educated the more she is prone to have this crazy way of thinking and specific and very detail descriptions of a man she “THINKS SHE DESERVES”. I hate to break it to many women, but YOU DONT DESERVE NOTHING. Having that mindset, shows you have ENTITLEMENT issues, which is a complete turnoff! Degrees dont entitle you to a man lol, having a good job doesnt entitle you to no man…who gave you those silly impression.

  • Jan

    But who is measuring the success? who determines these things? Degrees and high paying job doesn’t always equal good living. I think a lot of college educated women just want our equals. I worked two jobs while undergrad and now I work full time while in graduate school, I just want someone with a plan and who is working on future for himself, not just financial but spiritual too. I think a lot of women feel pressured to settle because our peers and the media is making it seem like there aren’t enough educated brothers go around. I don’t care if he has his masters, I am more concerned with his spirit and how his manages his income

    • Yellowcrayons

      Preach!!

  • York

    This convo sounds very young and immature. The author is superimposing her definition of success on others. Hey, if it works for her then more power to her. Let’s see how she feels 15 years down the road when she realizes the guy making more dough than her can’t manage his finances, has bad credit, and was only kind when his money wasn’t funny.

    • Chey

      “The author is superimposing her definition of success on others.”
      How so? That’s her opinion. Everyone has one.

      • York

        She stated what SHE believes is a successful man and gave the impression that anything below that is less successful without considering that there are other ways to be successful. Yes, it’s her opinion, and my comment is mine.

        Sidenote: many millionaires aren’t college educated. Many people working a job won’t hit six figures. Shorty so wrapped up in getting a college educated man that makes more than her; is she still cool with that if she makes $30K and he makes $34k? What if he’s living off a chunk of her money b/c his expenses are out of proportion? She’s so worried about someone else taking care of her that she’s defaulting to generalized perceptions (i.e. his current salary) and not looking at the big picture.

        Really, there’s so much i could say about this subject since I’ve dated them all, from the pro ball player to the stock guy at Kroger…but I think I’ll save it for a relationship book written under a male pseudonym. Chicks treat it like gospel and love to spend money on it lol

  • NOPe

    I’d like to know who is promising these self entitled women a husband to begin with.

    • thatguy0101

      Me too. Its comical when I hear women say, I have my house, car, degrees, good job…NOW WHERES MY MAN!? 0_o WTF!?! Who ever in life said just because you have those things you are subject to a man? AGAIN, ENTITLEMENT ISSUES!!!!! Something alot of American women have, regardless of race.

    • coolyfett

      Steve Harvey

  • Kim

    I think the main issue with some educated women is that they are not particularly humble (some, not all). There is nothing wrong with being educated and/or making good money, but it is important that one does not look down on people who are not educated or who do not make as much money. It’s also not attractive to the opposite sex. I know that many educated women will claim that men are “intimidated” by them and by their accomplishments. No offense, but there are many educated, accomplished women in this day and age, so I don’t think that is what it always is. I think that an attitude of entitlement and arrogance by any person, male or female, is not attractive. I’ve always been taught to “let others brag on you.” For instance, my fiance is extremely proud of me and my accomplishments as an attorney. He constantly uplifts me and supports me in my goals. And he is intelligent and well-spoken, even though he does not have the degrees that I have. I proudly bring him with me to any conferences that I have to attend, and he always is comfortable and gets along great with everyone. In terms of finances, we look at our finances as a team. We pool our resources, and we both are pretty responsible with money, so it is not an issue to us, who makes more. Generally, I do make more, but that does not bother me. I knew I likely would make more than most guys, when I decided to become an attorney. That being said, it doesn’t bother me. But I do understand how for some people it can be an issue. I think that people have to do what’s best for them, but also be open. Right now, the economy is atrocious, and even professionals (myself included) have been negatively impacted by it. That being said, a person who ordinarily would have a steady income and make more money than the writer from the article, might not in this particular economy. That should be taken into account. That’s just my two cents, though, on this topic. Thank to the author, though, for being very candid about her views.

    • NOPe

      Nice post. Someone that gets it. I wish you the best with your relationship and your career.

      • Kim

        Thanks!

    • thatguy0101

      Dang! why cant more successful black women be like you…. Much respect to you Ms. and your fiance, he’s a lucky man. Best wished to you both.

    • 1Val

      I think the main issue with successful black women is the paucity of successful black men for them to date. There is nothing wrong with a woman establishing boundaries and having standards in relationships. Quite frankly, many successful women do not want a man they have to financial carry its not arrogance or entitlement just common sense. I’m wondering from reading your post if you are first generation professional, obese and/or unattractive. To invest time, energy, finances and resources into becoming a professional yet brag about just having man who is nice to you but can not provide for you seems odd.

    • coolyfett

      Props to Kim.

  • yoda

    if you don’t want to settle for less than what you think you deserve, don’t let anyone tell you anything. idk about being with someone who makes more but a degree whether it be two year, four year, masters, etc is important to me. it shows drive and dedication. unless you dropped outta college or high school and started a successful business, i wouldn’t look your way. nobody likes a quitter.

    • NOPe

      Fair enough, but maybe men aren’t settling for a lot of these women. Men do the picking first.

      • yoda

        that’s also true. what matters most is that both people agree on what they want in a partner.

      • Yellowcrayons

        Yes….men do the picking but women have their say so also! It’s not about money! It’s more about if that person is in for the LONG HAUL….or they plan to bail at the first sign of conflict.No one wants to invest in a relationship and have a Sherry Sheppard Happen…When a women is successful she has to protect her self in every aspect.

  • Laine

    Well, less successful doesn’t equal not successful. So yes, I would date a guy that’s less successful than me. However, like the writer I wouldn’t want the difference in income or education to be really large.
    However, I disagree with the writer when she states that she wants a man that makes substantially more than her. That’s just materialistic. Also, success isn’t always related to how much money you make. For a researcher success means the number of published papers or something, and not how much money he makes.

  • coolyfett

    I wouldnt date or marry a women who is more successful, nor would I expect that type of woman to like normal guys. Id have relations with them though. Its makes sense why so many well paid women are single n lonely, its kinda messed up cause everyone deserves a mate. When it comes to relationships its about happiness n peace, most men wont have that with the successful women types so we go for the normal chicks out there. Most normal paid ladies almost never have a problem getting a man, but the women who make more than the average women tend to have this attitude that women who make less or have less education deserve less in life. So they call them names like BASIC or LAME when they see these normal women with a man, but never realize this entitled attitude is what turns so many men off n keeps men from Commiting to them. A cashier from McDonalds will always be able to get a man who loves her quicker than that woman who is some VP assistant admin with 3 or 4 degrees. Humble ladies are just way more attractive. Peace

    • thatguy0101

      Maaan you aint never lied, humble women are attractive as H*LL. A woman that knows shes doing well for herself but does NOTneed to bring up and brag about her successful or what she has, job titles, and other material or superficial things, and truly lets a man be a man (not faking it just to get a man) is going to have men chasing her and will likely get a man with no problem.
      I agree with everything you said. Living here in the DC area, the successful women stuff you describe is prevalent out here, you have alot of black women that are doing VERY well for themselves (which is a beautiful thing) and the only thing thats missing in there life is a man…..the problem is, as they became more successful, there requirements for men have change and become so detailed and specific, only about 15% of the men in the world meet these requirements and about 9% in the DC/MD/VA area meet it.

      • NOPe

        Perpetually single women also have a lot more free time to become successful..

    • Yellowcrayons

      I highly doubt this…Successful women can get a man faster than someone who works at Mc Donalds….second…it’s not always about love but finding someone who you can grow with,someone who will be faithful and a good husband & father.Successful women have booty calls too!

      • coolyfett

        Congrats on being a booty call……..

  • Eri Cad

    It sounds like its not so much about you being with a college educated man as it is being with a man who makes more money than you. Now college educated men tend to make more money than men that don’t have a college education but I think the heart of the matter is you want a man that makes more than you PERIOD. I’m sure there are garbage men out there that do have a college education but you wouldn’t be giving them the time of day because they dont make substantially more than you. Maybe that’s where some of your friends are suggesting you modify your thinking. I have dated men who had some college and men who had bachelors and masters degrees. I liked them all. I have a friend who dated a man off and on for 10yrs that didn’t even have his high school diploma. That’s where I call an absolutely NOT. I could NEVER, EVER date a man that didn’t even finish high school. I think education is important. I don’t think you should compromise on NOT dating men that don’t have a college education. I just feel like given the climate of todays job market only wanting to date a man who makes way more than you is a little lofty not because you cant find it, you can. I’m saying given how people being let go from jobs at astronomical rates, chronic unemployment you may end up being the primary breadwinner in your family sometimes make sure that’s something you can be ok with. What if your future husband decides to give up his 6 figure job to pursue a life long passion? would you be willing to support him in that while its getting off the ground? Would you be willing to support him if once it got off the ground he was making less than you and always would? What about diseases or car accidents? Do you want him to make substantially more so you can be a stay at home mom?

No thanks