Dear Damon,
Two years ago, I dated this guy. I really liked him and there were times when I felt the feelings were mutual. But things like distance, maturity level etc got in the way. We kind of kept in touch during our off period but not really. You know more like a “Happy Birthday” on social media. Maybe I’d like a couple of pictures on Instagram or something. Recently, maybe about six months ago, I learn that he has a new girlfriend. I’m not going to lie. I thought I had moved on but seeing them together there was a twinge of something, jealousy, resentment. I don’t know.
Anyway a month or two after, I learn that he’s seeing someone else, my mother saw him at the supermarket. (Our families are friends.) and she told me he didn’t speak too highly of this girlfriend of his. Apparently, they’re having problems. Anyway, a couple of days after he sees my mom, he reaches out to me. The conversations were innocent enough. No major flirting, just kind of catching up. When I did ask about his girlfriend he basically changed the subject. Speaking to him is reminding me of all the things I used to like about him. When I told my friends that we were in communication, they said I was wrong for entertaining him and was disrespecting his girlfriend as a woman, even though I don’t know her.
What do you think, should I tell him we can’t speak anymore? Do you think he has an ulterior motive reaching out me?
– Ex On My Mind
Dear Ex On My Mind,
The want to reach out to an ex can be tempting. So tempting sometimes that it’s paralyzing, especially if you’re not in another serious relationship. This usually occurs after an old relationship is idealized. You remember all the great things about being together…while conveniently forgetting about the very real reasons why it didn’t work out the first time. You basically create a mental highlight video of your ex that includes all the spectacular plays — the dunks, the three pointers, the great passes, etc — while leaving out all the turnovers, missed shots and other reasons why you lost more games than you actually won.
And, in the case of your ex, there are three things I know:
1. He’s an awful boyfriend. How do I know this? Because only awful boyfriends complain about their current girlfriends to their ex girlfriend’s mom.
2. During a conversation with his ex (you), he tries to avoid any mention of this girlfriend.
3. He’s not really that into you. Maybe he’s curious because he doesn’t like his current situation, but if he really wanted to be with you…he’d be with you, and not the miscellaneous new women he’s seeing.
Forget for a moment about his “ulterior motives” and ask yourself this: Why would you even want to be with a guy who’s “eh” about you and blatantly disrespects his current relationship?
On the bright side, it sounds like you have some good and smart friends. Do yourself a favor and listen to them.
Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
