Would You Date Your Friend’s Ex-Lover?

January 22, 2014  |  


An average Saturday night rolls around and you happen to bump into the man or woman of your dreams. He/she fits the list and has it all checked off twice. You bring him around to your friends in hopes that they give the stamp of approval only to find out the world is getting smaller because they’ve slept with one of your friends before.


The circumstances will always be different for each case, but could you have a relationship with someone your friend slept with?

Some would immediately drop the new boo. Perhaps you consider everyone your friends had relations with to be off limits for life. This is understandable because you can never really know the true nature of someone’s past relationship and what if old feelings pop up and your new boo and friend decide to rekindle? You’ll be standing there looking like a fool. Some would proceed with caution because of pride. Can you really stand to be in the same room with someone that’s seen the new boo naked?

But with the world and dating pool getting more connected there is bound to be overlap, especially if you are in a smaller town or have a vast network of friends.

You may truly feel connected to the new boo and not want to just brush him/her to the side so quickly. This is where being an adult and communicating is key. You’ll need to have a conversation with your boo and your friend to find out the real nature of their relationship. Was it just sex? How long ago? Do they feel awkward being in the same room? Did it end poorly?

Proceed with caution depending on the answers. For example, if their sexual-relationship ended pretty badly, they may find it awkward to be in the same room and now you are constantly choosing between hanging with your friends and your love. However, if it was a hit-it-and-quit-it mutual agreement and there’s no bad blood, you may be able to make this work. It really comes down to what you are going to be comfortable with long term. Your friend and the boo may have had great (or not so great) sex once upon a time but do you want to let that stop you from finding real love too?

In this particular situation, you’ll also need to examine your friendship. Is this a friend you never want to lose? Or is this just someone that’s cool to hang out with? You could potentially lose a friend if he/she isn’t cool with you dating their old fling so you’ll have to decide which relationship is really worth saving.

Many of us have lived long enough to have a fling or two so there’s bound to be someone out there that you enjoyed sexually but it was nothing more. It’s bound to happen that you will be on the other side of that and meet one of your friend’s ex-flings. You’ve got to consider if someone’s sexual conquest matters more than finding love for you. Or, if for whatever reason, that automatically counts that person out of your dating pool. There are more fish in the sea, right? Maybe.

What do you think? Could you date your friend’s ex-lover or fling? What factors would you consider? COMMENT BELOW!

Dee Rene is the author and creator of Laugh.Cry.Cuss. http://laughcrycuss.com @laughcrycuss @deerene_

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  • Vivica

    Regardless of the type of your previous relationship being just sex, fling, long-term, short-term, open, MARRIAGE etc…. they are ALL OFF LIMITS!!!

  • Cinnamon71

    To me it should be an unwritten code that exes of family and friends are definitely off limits. Why would you want to get involved with someone who had history with someone you are supposed to be close to? Especially if you had a sexual relationship…uh uh. That’s just too messy and trifling. There are other fish out in the sea, so keep it moving out of the “circle” and snag someone else.

    • Tanishia

      Exactly!!!! There is a unwritten code; those that ignored the code are just selfish.

  • Honeygirl

    A close friend of mine went out with my ex. She knew everything that went down between us. I warned her against it and told her the kind of guy he is. She ignored me. They only lasted 5 months. She came to me in tears. Every single thing I told her about him turned out to be true. Well DUH Don’t ever settle for less.

  • coolyfett

    I wouldnt stay with a woman knowing a dude I know hit it. Id just be cool with her, but not in a serious relationship.

    • Sarah

      Dude you know or an actual friend? I had a friend of mine warn me against dating a guy all because he went out with an ACQUAINTANCE of ours. Sorry not enough for me to drop him.

  • hollyw

    I’d never say never…but I’d have to be really, really, reeeally desperate. Like, he’d literally have to be the last man on the PLANET… O.O

    …so yeah, I guess not.

  • just wondering

    What if it was just sex btwn them and you start talking a year after you and the girl is no longer friends??

    • just wondering

      Are no longer friends*

  • Tanishia

    It’s the ULTIMATE violation of a friendship! I had a very close friend that, consoled me during my divorce who married and got pregnant by my ex husband two years after I divorced him. My ex husband is the pastor of the church and she was on my First Ladies Guild! I don’t know how they hold their heads up high at church. I struggle everyday with her being a stepmother to my daughters. This will be a thorn in my side fora long time.

    • J


    • hollyw

      Maaaan an ex- boyfriend is one thing, but an EX-HUSBAND?!? Guuurl that is tire-stabbing betrayal! And bet since they all up in the church, she said some b.s. like, “God called me to him…” Uh you mean SATAN! Just wow…wow.

      • Tanishia

        Wow…you must have been a fly on the wall! they have the audacity to tell me that i need to pray for a forgiving heart because I will not speak to her and I only talk to him in reference to the kids…people need to stop using God to explain their own selfish desire.

        • hollyw

          Daaag I could not imagine a whole community not only seeing, but speaking on my personal life, religious community or not. That is my greatest fear and so far, my biggest dealbreaker. I might be able to take cheating, even financial despair, but I CANNOT take public humiliation from my husband, esp. if we have kids… daughters. I could live with letting them see this was how a husband is supposed to honor his wife. Power to you, sister, and stay strong in God and your children. Thank you for sharing.

        • hollyw

          … and fyi, those folks who said that to you obviously don’t know the point of forgiveness! Just bc you forgive somebody, doesn’t mean you become best friends again and make yourself vulnerable to hurt. That’s just dumb. Unless they have gone through your struggle, you take it at YOUR pace, okay??

        • Auntieruckus

          I wouldn’t speak to her either,now they want you to let go and let god? Girl please,they shpuld get on those ashy knees and thank jesus you didnt kill them both,i watch lmn.

          • Tanishia

            It’s funny how everyone understands the betrayal but them, they treat me like I’m the problem. She has never even tried to explain her actions. I definitely don’t doubt that something may have been going on with them before, he did meet her first. I just had to sit around them at my daughters basketball game, a constant reminder of the violation everytime I see them and have to share my kids with them.

    • Auntieruckus

      They probably were messing around while you were married,they are both very disgusting and i feel for you knowing that you have to face that betrayal every day,but karma is a bish and she and him will get theirs.

  • Guest

    If I know a guy has “been” with a friend, he is FOREVER off limits! That is UNIVERSAL CODE, you just don’t do it. That’s like saying you want to sleep with your friend. A friend tried this mess with me last year, the guy I am seeing told me what she was trying to do. I stopped that real quick. Told her off and ended the friendship.

    • Tracy


  • D’Nice in ATL

    A dear and close friend is currently living with someone I dated in college; he was an abuser and a cheater then, and she knew it. She slept with him yeasrs ago and told me about it but I always knew she was that type of chick. But I must admit that I shocked when I found out that they were actually living together. I was angry at first, but we live in separate states and don’t travel in the circles so its not a hinderance in my life. I am friends with her sister and I’d like to visit wih her and her kids during the holidays, but I can’t because I know that she’ll be there with him and that would be just downright awkward. I perosnally think that’ junk is against the GIRL CODE and ALL FRIENDS CODES (man or female) and everyone should know better, but friendships mean differnet things to differnet people. I do know that I’ll never have respect for her again and our friendship will never be the same.

  • Lilly

    If a friend of mine told me that they are beginning to like someone that I once dated, I don’t think I’d have a problem with it. As long our relationship didn’t end because of something crazy, like he was abusive or a cheater, then go for it. I’d be selfish, and quite frankly immature, to try to block someone from pursuing someone all because I had them first. It may not have worked out between us, but who’s to say that it won’t work for them?

    • Gigi

      Totally agree with you… But most important thing is that girlfriend should check with you first – not go on with it behind your back like your friendship never meant anything to her!

  • Auntieruckus

    I could not,i don’t believe in dabbling with friend’s and family’s exes,it spells trouble.

  • Tracy

    I ended a 3-year friendship after an ex-friend started a relationship with someone I’ve been with behind my back (we live in different cities)… she told me 4 to 6 months after they started seeing each other. I cut her off straight away, she knew how I felt about him. Point blank is, GIRL CODE: girlfriend’s should never sleep, date, like or start something with each other’s exes unless they communicate about it first and everyone has a mutual agreement that it won’t affect each other’s relationship with one another. The ex-friend didn’t even consider my feelings nor did she even attempt to tell me what was going down, she did so after they slept together various times. If she told me that she started having feelings prior to sexing him than things would’ve been different right now. Communication is key!

    • Auntieruckus

      Women nowadays have no respect,you did right to cut her off you don’t want to get involved with that mess.

      • Tracy

        Yeah messy and awkward, I sure don’t regret cutting her off, glad I did!

    • hollyw

      WOW that’s sad, she sounds super-desperate. Feel comfort in the fact that if she was wanting a man THAT bad, she definitely wasn’t in the position to be a decent friend…chicks that desperate usually have tunnel vision!

      • Tracy

        One word: Karma. I’m good 🙂

  • pickneychile

    I don’t want nothing my friends have had already. that’s just awkward

  • taz

    Knew someone who dated their friends ex-long term boyfriend without asking on even telling her. Awkward and honestly she gets the side-eye from everyone for that mess.