With the new year approaching, most folks prepare themselves to make resolutions that bring about personal growth and development. Whether it’s hitting the gym, losing weight, eating better, getting to work on time or spending more time with friends, our hopes and aspirations are usually designed to help us become the best versions of ourselves.
Some of my friends and family have already started sharing their New Year’s Resolutions. Most of them have the same resolutions from last year, while some have a whole new list of goals to aspire to in 2014. In sharing with friends, I was a bit surprised to learn that one of my male friends said his resolution for 2014 was to become celibate.
A celibate man.
I shouldn’t have been shocked since both men and women decide to be celibate for various reasons. I guess my surprise came in actually knowing a man who was voluntarily making that decision. Most of my female friends have had bouts of celibacy and many of them made the decision after ending a bad relationship or in a quest to develop more meaningful relationships in the future. It’s just seemingly very rare that men decide to remain celibate while dating. But that doesn’t mean that men can’t or won’t try celibacy. Actually, it was quite refreshing to hear a man say he was going to abstain from sex, not simply because of religious reasons, but because he wanted to focus on building deeper, more meaningful relationships that are more spiritual and more rewarding. After a string of bad or dead-end relationships, my friend said he wanted to take sex out of the equation so that he could have a clear head and make better decisions in choosing a mate moving forward.
While all of this sounded wonderful, I wondered if he’d have as difficult a time dating as a celibate woman. Now, if he found a celibate woman to date, then all would be dandy. But we live in a sexually driven society where women have needs and express those needs just as freely as men. We assume that it would be difficult for a woman to find a man who was willing to wait until marriage to have sex with her, but what about the reverse? Are women more willing or capable of waiting until marriage to have sex with her man than a man would be?
Some women might find it refreshing to be in a relationship with a man who isn’t simply interested in her because of what she has between her legs. Some men barely have to know your name before they attempt to have sex with you, so one that is actually interested in getting to know you may be a welcome surprise. But other women might view a man who isn’t interested in sex as “suspect.” Let’s face it, sexual interaction between couples while dating is considered a very important aspect of the relationship, even if it’s not the only thing the couple has in common. Most want to “test the merchandise” before the relationship can even progress to anything long-term, so celibacy could be seen as a distraction or a hindrance to a thriving relationship. But if the purpose of celibacy is to bring couples closer together through open communication that doesn’t get clouded in lust, celibacy might actually enhance intimacy once you decide to be in a committed relationship.
If you’ve never tried it, but encounter a man who tells you that he’s celibate, you’ll have to ask yourself if you can truly be in a sexless relationship. Talk to him about his reasons for wanting to be celibate and find out his definition of celibacy. Does that mean ALL sexual contact – touching, caressing, kissing, etc. – is off limits or are there levels to it? The only way you’ll know if you can handle it or not is to have an honest discussion with him about his boundaries and expectations.
Once you get it all out on the table, be honest with him about whether or not sex is something you can do without in a relationship, and then respect his decision no matter what you decide. Just as we’d ask a man to accept and respect our decisions when it comes to sex, a woman should do the same. But just know that there are men who don’t place a woman’s value in her ability to rock his world. If in 2014 you meet a man who resolves to abstain from sex so that he can get to know you – the best part of you – consider yourself a lucky girl who just might be getting the best part of him too.
