I’ll Pencil You In: Is Scheduling Sex Pathetic…Or Can It Be Passionate?

November 23, 2013  |  


When my husband and I first started dating, our sex life was very active, and often times very spontaneous. We could get busy three or four times a day, at all hours of the night and not even care that we would be dog tired at work the next day. But after a few months, new jobs and other day-to-day commitments, sex became less spontaneous and less often. Not to the point where were in a drought per sé, but it was noticeable that we were no longer in the honeymoon stage.

Fast forward to a marriage and a baby on the way, sex is something that has gone from four times a night to maybe two times a week. Work, chores, and a 7-months-pregnant swollen belly leave us both feeling exhausted by the end of the day. But given all of these added responsibilities, we miss each other…and we miss sex. A lot.

So what should you do if you find yourself too tired or too busy for sex? Schedule it!

I know, I know…sounds boring right? I totally understand that. When I asked my husband very matter-of-factly one night if he wanted to have sex before bed, he said it sounded “mechanical” and “not very sexual.” He said it sounded more like a business deal than a romantic overture. “When in the 15 year history of us knowing each other have we ever had to ‘plan’ or ‘schedule’ sex?! We’ve NEVER had to plan sex, EVER!”

He’s right. But we also never had conflicting work schedules or experienced pregnancy together either. I didn’t know my hormones would leave me not craving sex like I used to, or that lack of sleep or a big belly would mean I’d rather sleep when I could than have sex. This is all new to both of us, so rather than not have sex at all, why not try to adapt to this new, probably temporary, phase of our lives so that we don’t become totally disconnected?

Scheduling sex doesn’t have to be boring. In fact, if you find that you’re losing a connection with your partner, scheduling sex can rejuvenate your sex life and your relationship. Talk about it with your partner and be honest about what you think is a realistic compromise. If you only have sex twice a month, but would like to have it twice a week, say so…and then plan it!

Treat your sex appointments like you would any other important appointment that you can’t miss and leave plenty of time to enjoy each other…not just for a quickie. Then again, if quickies are what will work for your relationship, plan that too! Make sure you agree on a realistic time that won’t ever conflict with any other commitments. Make each other a priority!

In fact, prepare for them like you would any other appointment as well! Get your rest, and don’t show up to bed (or the hotel if you really wanna get fancy) with stank breath and looking a hot mess. Make an effort to dress up, even if it’s in lingerie, smelling good and looking like there’s no other place you’d rather be. Just because it’s scheduled doesn’t mean it has to seem like a chore.

Not sure how to go about it? Make it a date night and have fun truly enjoying each other. Go to dinner first, or a concert or just something you both love so that it can lead to a more romantic, organic experience. If you want to keep it at home, simply set aside some time without the kids, disconnect from the phone (and Facebook), and just make time for each other. Even if the end result isn’t sex, cuddle, talk to each other and spend that time reconnecting as a couple. Sex, whether scheduled or not, should never feel forced or like an obligation.

Being intimate with your partner in any way, shape or form should always feel like something exciting.

Do you schedule sex? If so, how has it helped, or hurt, your love life?

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