9 Ways To Know If You Have Enemies Disguised As Friends

September 3, 2013  |  
enemies disguised as friends

Friendships are extremely important in a person’s life.  As much as you might want to just cut off all people, besides family, having friends in your life can be a great comfort to you.  So, don’t disregard friendships entirely.  Just disregard the fake friends that shouldn’t be in your life.  Now, this is a topic that has been greatly discussed, but it’s always good to have more tips on how to spot a fake friend.  Especially if you tend to see the best in people and try to give them the benefit of the doubt, just stay vigilant with noticing:

enemies disguised as friends

They Point out the “Impossible…”

I don’t think that there’s a problem with helping a friend to toe the line between being ambitious and delusional.  But at the same time, if you have a talent in something, and your ability has been noticed and supported by others, it’s a little hurtful when you have a friend that is downing your ability.  Pointing out all of the ways that it probably won’t happen, so you shouldn’t do it.  That person probably doesn’t have your best interest in mind.

enemies disguised as friends

…But Encourage Poor Decisions

Now, no one can make you do anything that you don’t want to do, but if you feel as though one of your friends is always encouraging you to make poor decisions (whether you follow it or not) is not a person that you should keep in your circle.  A friend is supposed to build you up, not contribute to your downfall.

Or Worse, They Say Nothing

A lot times when we’re in personal situations our judgment can be flawed, due to the fact that we’re not looking objectively.  But if you seek out a friend’s perspective, and all they can say is:  “I don’t know,” or nothing at all, really, what’s the point of them being in your life?  Especially if they see and know that the path that you are traveling down is destructive, refuse to tell you (after you ask them for their advice) and when you’re dealing with the repercussions say:  “I knew that wasn’t a good idea from jump…”

People Who try to Force an Inauthentic Connection with You

Richard Connor spent six years studying dolphin social interactions and then compared them to human interactions.  With humans he found that:

One prevailing theory in social psychology suggests that people choose their friends on the basis of homophily, which is the notion that people associate with others who are similar to them. This is not a new idea: Aristotle wrote that people “love those who are like themselves,” and Plato noted that “similarity begets friendship.” C.S. Lewis mused, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’”

So if you see that someone keeps on trying to find just anything to latch on to make a connection with you, that person’s motives for trying so hard to be your friend should be examined.

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Keeps a Score

When you go out of your way to help a friend, especially a close one, you typically don’t keep track of every single favor that you do for them, or vice versa.  It would be nice to have someone reciprocate when you need them, and that’s understandable.  However, if someone makes it known to you that you’re in their pocket, like the first twenty minutes of The Godfather, that’s a friendship of convenience, which in turn isn’t a true friendship at all.

Only See Your Interactions in Black and White

Oh, those psychopaths.  We’ve discussed how to detect them in the past, but if you don’t want to do the checklist, there’s a good way to see if someone in your social circle might not be on the up and up.  A study was done in 2011 that dictated that when interviewing psychopaths they tended to retell their stories very matter-of-factly, black and white.

People who tend to be manipulative usually don’t see or acknowledge the gray areas in all situations.  So if your friend can tell you only what the other person did to deserve the mental/physical pain that they delivered on to them, well… they might not be a psychopath, but they definitely don’t show signs of being a good friend..

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The Willingness to Divide and Conquer

If you have a group of friends and one of them seems to be trying to get them all on “their side,” not only is it a cue of their immaturity (who does that beyond high school?) but it’s a cue that they are trying to stage a coup.  For some reason they see you as a threat to them, therefore, they want to overthrow you.  If your friendship is based on a hierarchy, take the L and try to do better with picking the people in your life.

Have no Interest in Making you Better

Friendship is a give and take and all parties should be interested in helping the other to become the best that they can be (within reason).  So, if you have a friend that quickly ends a call when you need help, advice, but doesn’t mind gloating when you make bad decisions, I would be cautious with that person.

Everything’s a Competition

There’s friendly competition, and there’s that weird competition that happens, with that one friend, at all times, no breaks.  If you notice that this person is always trying to one up you, you might be in a one sided friendship, and it’s all on you.

 

Now, go out there and make me proud!!  Kendra Koger believes in you!!  She also tweets from @kkoger.

 

 

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  • Sarah T.

    Irony–calling someone out on their comments about Black hair, having a full page hair ad behind the blog for African American women’s hair products that ONLY depicts the women with unnaturally straightened hair.

    The message is lost in this blogs overuse of advertising. How many scroll over links really need to have an ad?

  • Kristen

    Not only do people like to play games in relationships, but friendships too. It’s really hard to find true and authentic people to be friends with. Really not understanding why people find it so hard to be real and down to earth. It’s always a competition, or it’s easier to avoid an issue than really trying to fix it. The popularity of reality TV that glorifies drama and backstabbing doesn’t help either. People try to act that out in real life.

    I’d like to hear from the people that are backstabbers, liars and that ruined friendships. The ones who really did it. Not just the people who have had to cut people out of their lives but the ones who had been cut. Do they ever take responsibility? Do they jump from friend to friend after they’ve been cut? Why do all that sh*t?? They can never tell you! Or if they do, they’re playing the victim somehow!

  • Kristen

    Not only do people like to play games in relationships, but friendships too. It’s really hard to find true and authentic people to be friends with. Really not understanding why people find it so hard to be real and down to earth. It’s always a competition, or it’s easier to avoid an issue than really trying to fix it. The popularity of reality TV that glorifies drama and backstabbing doesn’t help either. People try to act that out in real life.

    I’d like to hear from the people that are backstabbers, liars and that ruined friendships. The ones who really did it. Not just the people who have had to cut people out of their lives but the ones who had been cut. Do they ever take responsibility? Do they jump from friend to friend after they’ve been cut? Why do all that sh*t?? They can never tell you! Or if they do, they’re playing the victim somehow!

    • Beth

      Most of the people you want to hear from are the manipulator that will almost never admit fault. The yellers, they will say things like “lose my number” when you tell them something that bothered you…IDK, had a few in my life and some just recently that I cut off.

      They will not wish you growth, maturation and prosperity, but rather compete and always want to make sure they are the most successful and beneficial from the “friendship”.

      It will make them uncomfortable when others recognize your realness and are drawn to you. The will try to “block” the connection.

      I have a habit of being really nice to new people but have decided to show my whole self to new folks now so they don’t think they can get over as they often do.

      Girl, I wanna hear from the backstabbers too lol.

      I’ve had “freinds” who were suddenly uncomfortable when I came out of my shell. I wasn’t boisterous or anything just stating my opinion and talking to guys. They could no longer get all the attention because I wasn’t speaking. So, I started getting less and less notice all the way down to a half hour til they were leaving.

      When your friend feels a certain way because a guy asked for your number, she ain’t your friends. She is competing with you in an unhealthy way.

      My issue is that I accept this behavior for too long. I’m done now, about to take a few solo trips ( I’ve met some lovely great people on a past trip).

      Get these losers out your life to make room for great, supportive friends.

      • Kristen

        Yup you are so right! You can be their friend ONLY if you stay in a box. If you sit down and shut up.

        Over the last year I’ve cut off about 5 friends. To me that’s a lot in that time frame. But I can’t continue to question friendships just for the sake of having them. Many times I’ve gone back to friendships thinking that I was overreacting only to find out that I was right and they’ve gotten even worse.

        Taking a solo trip sounds amazing..I gotta do that sometime lol

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  • mac

    I think #9 is the Litmus test for friendship period. Anyone you can’t learn from or doesn’t add value to your life doesn’t need a place in it, period. That’s how I see it.

    Society tells you that if you don’t have many friends, something’s wrong
    with you, so folk would rather be out here entertaining frenemies than
    to have little or no friends at all.

    Y’all can keep that. I can do bad all by myself *shrugs*

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