You know those days when you’re really feeling yourself? Your hair is pristine, probably freshly “did.” Your makeup is red carpet flawless. Your outfit hugs you in all the right places. It’s like you’re the star of your very own show, replete with witty voice-over and a catchy theme song to boot. In this the-world-is-yours fantasy, people drop rose petals at your feet. Okay, maybe that last part is just my fantasy. But seriously, on this day when you’re really feeling yourself, armed with all this goodness, you walk down the street and…a random guy says something fresh that kills your mood.
What about those days when you look and feel a hot mess? You’re wearing your let-me-go-to-the-store-right-quick clothes. Oversized. Frumpy. Your shirt might be filled with non-strategically placed holes. Perhaps your pants have a stain or two on them. Hair and makeup don’t concern you the least bit because you’re trying to run a quick errand and return home. And on this day when you look a hot mess, you walk down the street…and a random guy says something fresh that kills your mood.
I’ve had colleagues tell me about how they try to keep themselves covered at all times when they walk the streets, including wrapping sweaters and jackets around their waists, all in an attempt to avoid the male gaze. But no matter how we dress or look, as women, we’re sometimes subject to unwelcomed advances from predatory men who think it is their right to objectify and degrade us. They don’t see their so-called advances, better known to us as harassment, in quite the same way we do. Some men have no qualms about demanding that we smile for them on cue. They don’t understand why we scoff, “catch an attitude,” or choose not to acknowledge their remarks. Some of them are quick to snap at us for not responding the way they assume we should, adding insult to injury. Worse yet are the men who believe we somehow invited their responses because of the way we’re dressed, or for merely walking in their line of sight.
Street harassment, which takes different forms, has happened to me on more occasions than I care to remember. Sometimes the exchanges start on a positive note, like the time I was exercising in a park I frequent. As you might imagine, I was very casually dressed. A man whose eyes I already felt on me from a distance approached and sparked up a conversation. It soon went downhill into harassment territory when I thanked him for his interest but denied his request for my number. Suddenly, our conversation turned into a one-sided game of 21 questions in which he accused me of being a lesbian. Because I had to be a lesbian if I didn’t want all he thought he had to offer. This was every bit as offensive as being catcalled.
Another time, while en route to the train station, a man walking behind me made a crude comment about my derriere. How I was dressed at that time doesn’t matter because as you’ve gathered by now, you don’t have to look any way in particular in order to be harassed. After making this comment, the man had the audacity to tell me, “You can say thank you!” Here he thought he had every right to be offended because I didn’t thank him for his so-called compliment. The first thing that popped into my mind was “And you can go f**k yourself,” but I didn’t know what this man was capable of and didn’t want any kind of confrontation. I kept it moving.
It’s this kind of behavior that inspired Brooklyn-based artist Tatyana Fazlalizadeh’s wildly popular series called Stop Telling Women To Smile. The series features beautiful sketches of women accompanied by captions that speak directly to offenders, like “Women Are Not Seeking Your Validation” and “My Name Is Not Baby.” And organizations like Hollaback! and Stop Street Harassment are doing their part to empower women and combat the advances of predatory men as well.
Sometimes I wonder if the tables were turned and our roles were reversed, could men stomach the kinds of catcalls and unwelcomed, sexualized advances they dish out on a regular basis to women? Would they exchange horror stories with their buddies? Would they feel the need to dress a certain way to avoid the female gaze? But there’s no need to ponder. Men simply don’t deal with this issue. However, they can be a part of the solution. Women should feel comfortable and safe in any public or private spaces we inhabit, no matter the circumstances. No matter the attire.
