A Year Later: Why Dating A Man In An Open Marriage Didn’t Work

I do believe if I had begun living this lifestyle with someone other than the so-called king of open relating himself, I would not be this disillusioned by it. I know the readers will still look at me as a side piece. In all honesty, there were many times when I felt just like that. Today, I don’t know what I was to him. I feel as if I was just a number.  I feel if I didn’t do for him, I wouldn’t even have been in his life. Everything for him had to have a benefit.  And in a more grounded open relationship, I believe I would have felt more honored. I believe my feelings would have mattered more. I believe there would have been a stronger sense of unity between the women and him; more communication between the women especially. It amazed me and saddened me at the same that his wife never reached out to me, when she knew I was struggling with the lifestyle, when she knew we were arguing, when she claimed to be building a community. I believe there would have been more concern for me as a woman, versus concern about him, as a selfish man needing to be worshipped, taken care of and laid.

I wanted this relationship to work. I wanted it to last. I had so much hope and belief in it and it saddens me to see it for what it was. I walked away from this relationship. I chose to be done. Up until recently, he was asking me to visit him while he’s living with his wife and another lover. I’m not bitter. I’m hurt. At times, I’m even angry. But I’m choosing happiness for me right now. He obviously has his happiness…or at least that’s what he fakes to have because deep down, I don’t think he’s happy with his life or himself.

Down the road, if the right person came along, I don’t know if I would do open relating again. I believe I would probably fit into more of a poly relationship where there is some form of commitment and boundaries between the partners versus open freaking for everyone. In this open relationship, I did not care for the constant need for change and variety. There was no relationship building going on with most of the women, it was just sexual encounters being used as “healing.” I did not like the lack of commitment or lack of self-control or lack of consideration for the other person.  This relationship was everything open relating was NOT supposed to be. It went against everything he taught.

All relationship lifestyles work. It just depends on the people you are working with. The next relationship, I will focus on who he is versus my fantasy of him. Women sometimes, have this idea, that we can create a man into what we want him to be while he’s standing right in front of us, showing us who he really is. Knowing good and well, he won’t change. I will not allow my fantasy of a man to block my reality anymore. I will focus on his actions being in alignment with his words. I will focus on whether he has self-love or whether he is just selfish.  And if those details are in place, then I will move forward. Until then, Single. Loving. Open-minded.