This is therapy for us. I agree with
most of the comments here. This will be LONG. It may provide extra perspective
about the why of those who choose not to reconnect or end the rejection.

When I was six weeks old, father went to a New Year’s Eve party at a local
club. Mother was never into that scene or very amorous, which he claimed to
admire. She had been a young cancer widow over five years before they met. Her
late husband warned her not to be left with an armful and a bellyfull. Father
was not physically abusive or profane. He was self-absorbed and a sex addict. He
met another young married woman who lived at home with her mother that always
kept her children while she worked and partied, etc. There were no grandparents
to help raise me due to distance, age, one already deceased and values. My
Mother’s parents always said, “The best birth control is self-control. Mother
and Father, you will raise your own children unless you are disabled or dead.” A
married two-parent household and having graduate degrees did not guarantee
stability. Before I was three months old, my father lied to my mother that since
he could not support like he wanted, he was moving in with a friend, but to call
him at his job as a cashier if we needed anything. He was about to begin a CPA
internship. Mother earned far more money which both admit was not an issue since
they did not live an extravagant lifestyle. Somehow she remembered asking
herself, “Why is talking about club women being trouble if he does not know
about it firsthand?” “Why is moving out to share expenses with a guy when he
whine he earns so little now?” “Why does he say that if you get involved with a
married woman and the husband finds out, he will come after you?” My mother had
her first marriage as a widow posthumously annulled for this! Never being one to
wonder if she was neat or loving enough, she tarried on alone with me across
town and knew divorce was inevitable.

She told my father when he said I was so pretty that a stranger in the
street can admire a child, and the beauty is being there for your child and
his/her mother. She had almost died after the difficult only pregnancy with
me.Each time he was in the streets, except for when I was born during an
emergency C-section after he was at work. Because he chose to flee his
responsibilities, my mother had to start out with me before 6:00am to get me to
day care and schools over the years on the way to and from work. We both almost
died from pneumonia when I was almost four months old from the cold, wet wintry
climate we were in. My father never came to help us. When I was eight months
old, my mother had kidney failure and also got “walking pneumonia”, losing over
twenty pounds in a week. When she was on machines in a renal ward for three
days, he never came. As a toddler, I got a near deadly staph infection although
home was clean and I was in very good day care and preschool facilities. That
day, a pediatrician’s convention found my mother crying across town and on the
telephone to get someone to see me before going to an ER for a longer wait. The
internist thought it came from being on public transportation so much, and my
mother had to almost empty her bank account for me to be treated. The doctor
gave her his very elite home telephone number if I did not improve from the shot
and Rx in twelve hours by 9:00pm. My mother had called my father at work, and he
lied about coming to see about me. It gets even sleazier. Shortly after thier
divorce, he paid for the divorce of the woman he met at the club and her
children with her ex-husband, having already ste her up in an apartment they
shared with new furniture he bought. My father was so shady that he did not
immediately tell this woman about is or his education. She found his briefcase
unlocked with our photographs, his diplomas, etc., saying nothing. Eventually,
they did talk when my mother randomly checked to see if he had a new listing
when the telephone book changed. Bingo! A woman amswered the telephone,
revealing all and pretending to care that he supported me. Instead, she joined
him in blasting my mother for going after her husband as if she were a
homewrecker! My father took her to dinner and shopping to celebrate their
solidarity against us we learned years later.

My Muslim father did not want to attend my Catholic christening, and he
actually sponsored the Protestant christening of one of her nephews. This should
be a book, but I will close this part by reminding you of the Glen Campbell hit,
“By the Time I Get top Phoenix” and the Carolina Chocolate Drops smash remake of
“Hit ‘Em Up Style”. When he bought a new car after his success as a CPA, one of
the woman’s brother wanted to use his little old Camaro for him and his
girlfriend. A fight ensued, putting my father in the ER and after he got charged
with domestic disturbance when they teamed up on him for an alibi. My mother and
I have Department of Justice clearance, so it was easier to know how to connect
dots over the years. A clerk even said, “The victim of the injuries is in the
complaint as the instigator and perpetrator of the fight.” This is why he fled
whne she was at work, this time leaving a briefcase with credentials and
mementoes behind. They had stopped sleeping together, and he could not share the
closet or use the washer and dryer in the house he helped her to buy! Credit
cards he applied for came right after he left town, and the woman spent them up
and bragged about it all over town.

Because we shared the same surnames, his troubles found their way into our
lives, including my mother’s job to the point that the whispers caused her
position to be cancelled. Once, he had a DUI and used a younger, false
birthdate. Their creditors tired to locate him at times through us.

My mother still worked for far less pay in academe and on menial jobs also
to keep a roof over our heads. Even so, the money was low enough to qualify for
food stamps and Medicaid at times, Yes, when I was very sick, she could no
longer afford the health coverage at work, ending hers before mine. Although she
went after him for child support when the former job ended, the system dragged
its feet, first because he was in training and because my mother still worked.
She had given his name, SSN, family information and addresses. Not until she
applied for public assistance did anyone give a hoot ot holler. Authorities out
West arrested and prosecuted him at the behest of the ones in the South. My
mother nor the district attorneys in either place went after him for a higher
judgment due to the drop in her income. He repaid us by lying six years ago that
he had sent me/us $25,000 since 2001, when he found us after I got in the ninth
grade. Externally, my mother looks younger, but internally her health is that of
a much older person. Neither the wire or bank transfers come to near that
amount, but he was able to cry broke to successive women assistant district
attorneys after he had married again! My mother refused a partial award or the
excuse that payments he made were lost in their system which were never repaid
by the agency. Insyead of sending his half-payment to the state treasurer, he
got the money back. When I needed it to jump start college loans, the current
assistant district attorney asked my mother to call her then got aggravated
about her pursuing it in the ONE followup call back. We kow how crooked the
legal system can be in many ways, and going to the bar association got no
investigation. After all, it is my father who could have been a responsible
husband and father so that the law would hve not had to be involved. My mother
always says that we are and were richer than 90% of the mostly poor world
citizens. We tried to avoild blocking blessings by not appreciating having each
other and life. That alone does not help you survive. My Ivy League education
had about an 80% scholarship, so cash and loans paid for the rest.

My mother still worked for far less pay in academe and on menial jobs also
to keep a roof over our heads. Even so, the money was low enough to qualify for
food stamps and Medicaid at times, Yes, when I was very sick, she could no
longer afford the health coverage at work, ending hers before mine. Although she
went after him for child support when the former job ended, the system dragged
its feet, first because he was in training and because my mother still worked.
She had given his name, SSN, family information and addresses. Not until she
applied for public assistance did anyone give a hoot ot holler. Authorities out
West arrested and prosecuted him at the behest of the ones in the South. My
mother nor the district attorneys in either place went after him for a higher
judgment due to the drop in her income. He repaid us by lying six years ago that
he had sent me/us $25,000 since 2001, when he found us after I got in the ninth
grade. Externally, my mother looks younger, but internally her health is that of
a much older person. Neither the wire or bank transfers come to near that
amount, but he was able to cry broke to successive women assistant district
attorneys after he had married again! My mother refused a partial award or the
excuse that payments he made were lost in their system which were never repaid
by the agency. Instead of sending his half-payment to the state treasurer, he
got the money back. When I needed it to jump start college loans, the current
assistant district attorney asked my mother to call her then got aggravated
about her pursuing it in the ONE followup call back to confirm that he got the
money returned to him and that her predecessor had closed the case. The case
file in the court house is an empty folder. We kow how crooked the legal system
can be in many ways, and going to the bar association got no investigation.
After all, it is my father who could have been a responsible husband and father
so that the law would hve not had to be involved. My mother always says that we
are and were richer than 90% of the mostly poor world citizens. We tried to
avoild blocking blessings by not appreciating having each other and life. That
alone does not help you survive. My Ivy League education had about an 80%
scholarship, so cash and loans paid for the
rest.

When I was in training for a large urban police force during college, I was
an innocent bystander crime victim on the way to paying tuition (my part). My
father’s excuse was that he could not come after I got because he was in trouble
about child support. He had remarried again, with small children and a new born.
My mother hoped that he would finally settle down and be happy with the much
younger wife, another reason we did not up the amount he owed, upon learning he
had a new family. After his scheme with the payment, he had a third child born
with a physical handicap.Since his wife has no training or higher education, my
mother and I would help raise the child if my father were not in the picture.

My mother’s family mostly were not willing to help us, because it was not
their responsibility. My mother’s late aunt in New Jersey wanted us to move
there, but my mother refused because she did not want to be a burden. My
mother’s youngest brother expressed interest in taking us back to the East
Coast, but he had his own family responsibilities. My father’s oldest brother
and his wife supported ten children on the earnings of their small business, and
they had sent my father to college and graduate school. He ignored them for
awhile on his way up. Even they were willing to help us, but my mother could not
deprive their children. Now, I have told my father that the last ten years have
been nothing but a sham, and that I will not answer his calls or e-mails. In his
delusional arrogance, he is dismissve about the impact his selfishness had on
us. My mother either never discussed certain topics or lied to protect me from
the truth about all of our lives, NOT because she loves him after years. I found
so much out either on my own or by researching on literal trips down memory
lane. My mother stayed celibate for over twenty years for health and spiritual
reasons, never dating and not wanting men or a lot of strangers around me. She
had to fght in every sense of the word for us and me. My paternal uncle has
asked me to not break ties, yet it is best, because I told him that if we stay
in touch or visit that I do not want to see his younger brother. I do not care
what my father tells my younger half-siblings, because he is a callous liar and
proof that poorer men are often better providers. I thank God that I am a
virgin. Many fatherless girls become immoral or involved in bad straight and gay
relationships where they try to cater to abusive partners and spouses due to no
father around as a child or bad male influences.

Look at Shaquille O’Neal, Adele and
others who are fine without their birth fathers. Look at the basket case that
Rita Hayworth became due to her bad, incestuous father and alcoholic mother who
stayed. The tragic “Precious” was a reminder that a bad father is worse than no
father. My father would not molest a child, but he put a woman and other
children that were not his before my mother and me. The toxic relationship with
him is over. Check out the episode “Legacy” on “Mob Doctor”. I do not want nor
will I provide blood from or for him. I have enough to deal with to support
myself and a very ill mother as we pay off the college loans and interest – five
figures. I have already notfied my father at my mother’s suggestion that since
paying all of his reckoning was a burden that he will get back what he did send
however long it takes to repay him. We are trying to find someone to detstroy my
birth certificate so I can get a certificate of no find without his name on it.
Then we are changing our names. GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH. This is not the
half of our hell due to his abandonment. He never supported us, and money is no
substitute for time, care, dignity and respect.

My grandparents also raised me. My mother moved to New York when I was six months. My biological father lived less than a half mile down the road. Both parents married other people. My father gave me school lunch money and Christmas clothes and Easter clothes. Everything came to an abrupt end when my father had relationship with my 15 year old aunt, my mother’s young sister. She had a down syndrome daughter, who is not only my half-siter but my first cousin. My poor grandparents had taken him to court and loss on the grounds of not statuary rape but rape (circa 1967). My mother’s family stop speaking to my biological father and the other relationship with the two families were strained. My father stopped all the financial support when I was about twelve years old.

After high school, I moved to New York to be with my mother, siblings and a step-father. My step-father made sure I will attend college. In 1985, I visited my biological father, introducing him to my wife and son. I have three half siblings by means of him. He sent them to college. He’s especially proud of the oldest one who is 10 months younger than me . I haven’s seen him in almost 43 years. Trying to acquaint myself with my biological father at his home, I wasn’t in a hurry to leave then after about a half hour he said “Well , Ronald, it was nice for you to visit.”. I was stunned. I stop speaking to him. I tried to make peace with this man who had abandoned me. I was closer to my maternal cousins. I don’t want anything from this man, I was a Federal government worker.taking care of my family both spiritually and financially.

Circa November 2011, I called him who is in a nursing home where he has Alzheimer’s disease. I never bonded with his other children . I have been working on a book, (Not about my life). Now retired but now a NYC licensed tour guide. I had a great relationship with my step-father whom I call dad. He is a retired police detective. Both men are very sick, but there is one that my heart goes out for, that is my dad,the one whom married my mother.

I definitely understand Jamie Foxx

he doesn’t owe his sp*rm donor any damn thing. If he wasn’t who he way his father in all likelihood wouldn’t give to shyts about Jamie. You reap what you sow, and only the lowest of the low abandon their children and then try to squeeze some funds out of them. Gross.