Did anyone else notice that Beyonce has skipped past leotard land and gone straight to panty palace in her new GQ photo shoot? You know the running joke is Bey hasn’t worn pants since 2006, which is actually pretty accurate. Once she hit the scene with “Single Ladies” and that all black everything leotard, she was like, “Ain’t no way I’m covering up all this goodness again.” *Does “Love On Top” Skip, tells band bring the beat in.*
Well now that she’s out to prove something about being a hot mama — literally — onesies aren’t even good enough for miss Baddie Bey. Oh no, she’s going straight high-cut bikini drawl on our a**es — and hers. GQ just published the rest of the pics from her February feature and as I clicked, and clicked, and clicked some more I was like damn, she got on panties and a cutoff in every shot — except for the one where she has on no shirt at all. Somebody’s back with a vengeance — and a nice pair of abdominals, hips, and thighs.
I’m trying to figure out if she just woke up one day and was like, “Every now and again you got to go in that dresser drawer and pull put them freakum drawls. Yup, that’s what Ima do. Ima just rock these drawls on my derriere and make it do what it do. Houston Texas Baby!” The problem is, the last time she started that one-piece Lycra trend, everybody from Laquana with the post-pregnancy baby bump to the girls with the butts so fat Tyga wanted a lap dance thought it was cute for them to start wearing Ballerina apparel on a daily too. I’m talking Miami Beach in the middle of the day leotards, to girls standing outside of clubs in the winter with a onesie, some fishnets, and icicles dripping off their platform pumps talking bout “don’t be mad cuz you see that he want it.” No what we’re mad about is that you don’t see that nobody wants any of that in their opticular spectrum.
So, you see, that is why I’m worried about this little panty parade Bey has going on here. Because with all the praise she’s gotten for her envy inspiring curves, ain’t no way she can go back to covering up stomach and hip-bone no mo’. It’s about to be all Banty everything (cuz you know she and her stans have to turn every word into something they can put in the Bictionary.) And that means there’s about to be a host of gifs comin up with girls posing in their boyfriend’s middle school jerseys and some Hanes Her Way talkin’ bout “I’m getting my Baddie Bey on.” *Shudders*
But back to Beyonce, who, by the way, I never ever wanna hear say “why did God give me this gift” again after showing off all that she’s working with. Ya’ll think pants are just too 2005 for her? I mean I’d probably try to walk around unclothed all day if I had it like that too. And yes, I know she always has on some weird, printed pants for her carefully crafted Instagram photo shoots, but when it comes to her next videos and performances (aside from the Inaugural Ball) who bets Baddie Bey hits the stage in a pair of panties like she never knew booty shorts existed?