EEK! 9 Types Of Kisses That Just Aren’t Romantic

November 14, 2012  |  

Kissing can be one of the most romantic forms of physical intimacy that can be shared between a couple. There are those Hollywood love story kind of kisses than can take your breath away and leave you with butterflies. There are those cute little smooches that are snuck in during public outings or those extremely passionate kisses that leave you wanting more. Oh, but there is another side to kissing that doesn’t seem to be discussed often enough. Those kisses that have you praying that they’ll quickly end and praying that they never happen again! We know you know the types of kisses we’re talking about. Check out this list of kisses that are everything but romantic.

Too much tongue

See, no. This just isn’t going to work. The objective in kissing is not to see if you can use your tongue to make your lady  gag or choke. This is extremely uncomfortable and disgusting to say the least. I don’t know many women who find this to be attractive. Next time you’re tempted to try and make your tongue reach your boo’s trachea, do yourself a favor and just say “no.”

The suffocating kiss 

I don’t know about you guys, but when I can’t breathe, I panic and romance is probably the furthest thing from my mind. The kiss that makes you feel as if your air supply is being cut off is probably the absolute worst. Guys who are blessed in the lips department but never took the time to learn how to use them are usually the culprits. Take it easy, B. This isn’t a contest to see who swallows who first.

Too much face kissing

Okay, I’ll admit the occasional face kiss can be sweet at times, sometimes even romantic. You know, the forehead kiss, the cheek kiss, the nose kiss. But, when the rest of your face is getting more action than your lips, well, that could be problematic for some. Like when cheek kissing becomes eye kissing and chin kissing. Lol, before you know it the two of you will be looking crazy going tit for tat like Celie and Shug in that kissing scene from The Color Purple.

Kisses that are too messy

LOL, okay, I’ll admit that this picture is way over the top, but I’m sure you catch my drift. Some guys out there have taken the phrases “big juicy kiss” and “gimme a wet one” way too seriously. There are few things more disgusting than a kiss where extensive amounts of saliva are exchanged. I don’t want to have to wipe large amounts of your spit off of my mouth once we’re done smooching. I want to puke just thinking about it. Control that spit or keep your lips to yourself.

Food residue kisses

Do you see those onions? That’s just wrong! Bet you a dollar he’s going to try to turn around and kiss that woman sitting next to him once he’s done. Look, no one can tell you want to eat but if you’re going to eat something that leaves behind a foul odor or taste, at least be considerate enough to brush those jibs or chew some gum before you try to swap spit with your lady, dude.

The ear kiss 

The dreaded ear kiss has been killing moods since the beginning of time because so many do it improperly. The ear kiss can be very hot and sensual but when you had no control of the fluid in your mouth and your boo can barely hear the sweet nothings you’re whispering because her ear is filled with saliva, something is wrong. The ear kiss is not for everyone so if you haven’t mastered it, you’re better off leaving this one to the pros!

The cigarette or cigar kiss

LOL! Sorry about that pic. I had to though.There’s nothing that makes a person feel like you’re one step closer to contracting lung cancer than smooching with someone who just got done puffing on a cigarette or cigar. Your bad habits are your bad habits but I’m definitely gonna need you to work out your breath situation before you come over here.

The stale liquor kisses

Yeah, not cool. This kind of kiss is slightly less obnoxious than the cigarette kiss. If you wanna drink like a fish, I’m going to ask that you indulge in mouthwash and chewing gum before you think about kissing me.

The amateur kiss

Ever found yourself puckering up for a guy who totally didn’t know what he was doing? Yeah, me too and it was absolutely awful. Something I never want to experience again. I cringe every time I think about it. Unfortunately, I don’t have any pointers for this guy. I suppose this is something that only gets better with experience. I guess he just better make sure his girl is one who’s willing to teach.

Jazmine Denise is a news and lifestyle writer for madamenoire.com. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

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  • Divine

    Yeah, those sloppy kisses are dead TURN OFFS! However, people can be taught how you like to be kissed. Now, what’s plain RUDE are cigar/cigarette, alcohol, and food residue kisses. Did I miss the morning breath kiss as a no-no? #iCant

  • aker

    this site seems a bit racist.

  • Jen

    Sloppy kisses make my stomach hurt.

  • Is It 5:00 Yet?

    I’ve never kissed someone..so I can’t imagine how the first time is gonna be like lol. X_X

  • bebe

    I guess the sloppy kiss is the only memory that resonates, too much saliva, too much spit. Mind you we were 16 and didn’t know what we were doing …

  • Tishy

    I had a cigarette and liquor residue kiss once. It was interesting

  • Guest

    I don’t want to call them deal breakers because all some guys need is coaching. When I met my husband he wasn’t the best kisser in the world, but I told him that I thought kissing was a very sensual thing that meant a lot to me and he took the time to learn how to kiss me the way I like to be kissed.

  • princess courtenay

    i had a guy kiss me….i swear his mouth was over my nose and under my chin!! i thought i was wearing at oxygen mask!!!

    • mochaaa

      lmaoooo that sounds horrible.

  • Candacey Doris

    I can handle all of these but three. If you have food, stale liquor or cigarette residue in your mouth then you have can get moving. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, don’t touch me with those lips. Ew.