Need To Know Basis: Are You Morally Obligated To Tell Your Partner If You’re Considering Abortion?
Even if you didn’t intend to get pregnant by the random bartender you hooked up with after last call a few weeks ago, the fact is that it takes two to make a baby. Whether it’s your fiancée or a Friday night fling, you may choose to not allow his feelings to influence your decision, but he at least deserves an opportunity to step up and be the support you need. You know your situation best. Ask yourself: Do I care about this person’s feelings? You may not give a damn if you ever see random bartender guy again in life, but if it’s a pregnancy resulting from a friends with benefits situation or a serious relationship, revealing your abortion plans is about respect for your partner as much as it is about reaching out for support. Think about if the tables were turned: What if the choice was completely up to men? How would you feel if you were left out of a decision about what happens to your child or your body? Men don’t have to physically carry a pregnancy, which is a big factor in why the decision is left solely to the ladies, but you can’t deny they play a significant part and need to have a say.
As women it’s like we have a point to prove that we are stronger than we appear. We’ll put up a front that we have it all together in an effort to show that we don’t need help. And even if we’re drowning in an ocean of panic and frustration many of us will just as calmly scream out between breaths, “It’s cool. I got this,” than ask for assistance. Many of us are afraid to face the rejection and judgment that can come with an abortion. We worry about if he’ll wonder whether this is an attempt to “trap” him. News of a pregnancy can send a man in a new and unstable relationship running for the hills, and we sometimes believe it’s better to live with a secret than to live alone.
Revealing your plans may also force you to have to deal with the dilemma of a partner who wants you to keep the baby. Pregnancy can be just as much as an emotional epiphany for men as it is for a woman. Both Drake and J. Cole have expressed their thoughts on abortion from a man’s point of view in their music. In the song, “Lost Ones,” J. Cole confesses, “And I ain’t too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes. I cry sometimes about it.” Your decision may be made that much more difficult when faced with the guilt of having a partner who is open or even excited about the possibility of becoming a father. It’s important to make sure a relationship can survive a disagreement on such a serious decision. Partners have to be realistic about how much a pregnancy can change a relationship. If there’s any kind of resentment, you may find yourself in a relationship where your decision is used against you as you suddenly become the target for misdirected grief and disappointment. An abortion can be difficult for a man too; encourage honest communication about the procedure so that he has an opportunity to process his feelings as well.
When you’re sitting in a health center waiting for such a procedure, not only are women advised to have someone with them to monitor their recovery, but it’s comforting to know that someone will be there to hold your hand and tell you it will be okay, but the last thing you need is someone who is going to judge you and make you even more insecure about what to do. Unfortunately, that may be the person who helped you get into this situation. There is no one-size-fits all answer and only you know what works best for your situation. What he doesn’t know might not hurt him, but trying to conquer it all on your own could hurt you.
Do you think a woman is required to share her plans for abortion with her partner?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
