Why Keeping a Child Born Outside of Your Relationship Away From Their Siblings Isn’t The Way To Go

July 25th, 2012 - By Stephanie Guerilus

rhymeswithsnitch.com

“We Are Family” is the anthem that Sister Sledge made popular. Blood is blood but kin born outside the mother’s womb aren’t being recognized as they should nowadays. A distinction of separate but equal has taken over, where mothers are keeping their children from having a close relationship with siblings born outside of relationships, or who came into the picture from a parent’s new relationship. The practice may spare the adults hurt feelings, but it’s the children who suffer when they’re not allowed to have a meaningful relationship with their brothers and sisters.

In an ideal world, families would be raised under one roof with two loving parents to help guide and nurture their children into adulthood. Alas, idealism isn’t reality, and sometimes people make less than positive choices that bring children into the world. No one’s life is as perfect as they try to make it out on Facebook. It’s hard raising a family. It’s even harder when a child is born outside of a couple’s relationship. Two high profile examples of that can be seen by former Senator John Edwards and producer Swizz Beatz. They both had children outside of their failed marriages.

Swizz was married to his now ex-wife Mashonda, with whom he had a son with, when he fathered a little girl outside of their relationship by the name of Nicole. He had the child with a singer from the U.K. Mashonda found it in her heart to accept the little one, and even went as far as to wish her mother a Happy Mother’s Day. Whether or not it was sincere or covered in a layer of shade, we don’t know, but she’s made the effort and Swizz has stepped up as a father. When he tweets about his kids, Nicole’s can be seen with her brothers (as Mashonda’s son Kasseem can be seen with Alicia Keys’s son, Egypt), and she often gets her own shout outs and love.

For John Edwards, his lovechild, Frances Quinn, wasn’t immediately a priority. When she came into the picture, he went on national television and denied paternity because he wanted to save his reputation. He finally acknowledged the little girl publicly a few months back when he was acquitted from his corruption charges and referred to her as “precious,” and a lot more: “My precious Quinn, who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, and I am so close to, and am so, so grateful for, so grateful for Quinn.”

His affectionate sentiment got under the skin of many. And while some people have their emotions invested in hating Rielle Hunter, his mistress and the mother of Quinn, that’s no reason to transfer that hostility onto their daughter, or to be upset when her father shows love for her. However, during Rielle’s recent book tour for her tell-all, she admitted that her mistakes have affected Quinn since she has no relationship with her older siblings.

Another example, but with a happy ending, is Sean Combs. Diddy and the mothers of his children have avoided that painful dynamic after letting time pass, realizing that family is family. The producer and mogul had his daughter, Chance, while in a serious relationship with on-again, off-again love, Kim Porter. Of course, soon after Chance was born (five months later), his twins were brought into the world and the little girl no longer was a secret. Porter was said to be devastated, and for a long while, didn’t want her daughters, D’Lila and Jessie around or acquainted with Chance. However, times have changed, and hearts have softened. Diddy recently tweeted a picture of all three little girls hanging out together, and all seems well and good. The adults finally got out of their feelings and put the kids first, because we all know that shunning a child does not change DNA, or past mistakes.

It takes a big person to rise above hardened feelings, but when you’re a parent, it’s what you need to do. No one should have to be 15 and introduced to three grown men who are strangers at first glance, but in reality, are brothers never spoken of or brought around. That’s what happened to me. I still remember the feelings I had and what I did when I met my big brothers for the first time: I just hugged them. I saved the questions for later and just embraced each of them, just glad I got to meet them, even if much time had passed. We don’t have a super-glue bond, but at least there is one. My eldest brother even thought of me a few weeks ago and sent me a story about Kindle helping struggling authors get ahead. It was a small gesture, but he thought of me and that’s what family is about.

Sometimes, tough pills need to be swallowed for the greater good. For the good of the children and the good of the parent as well. There’s no need to keep siblings separated, or blame a child for the indiscretions of their parent. They didn’t ask to come into the world, but since they’re here, why not let them bond with their family?

Stephanie Guerilus is a multimedia journalist and author. Follow her @qsteph.

 

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  • FromUR2UB

    It’s probably much easier to accept children from a previous relationship, than those who result from outside relationships. I admire the woman who can do it, but frankly, that would be a tough one for me. Furthermore, when men are out screwing around, many times they couldn’t care less about the character of the women they’re dealing with. So, if a child results from that, then that means two permanent fixtures are brought into his existing relationship: the child and his mother. That changes the whole dynamic of their relationship and lives together. What if this child is born twenty years into a marriage, when all the children are almost grown, and the wife thought they were looking forward to retirement and the next phase of their lives? It may not be fair to the child to resent it, but it’s natural, the same way a man would feel if his wife was impregnated by another man. Not only does he have to deal with looking at the child all the time, but also adjust his life – and finances – to accomodate the child. This is why people really need to think beyond the moment…what the ramifications might be for their free and easy moments. But, men who have children from multiple mothers are the drivers of how their children will relate to one another. If they treat all of their children equally and demand that from the mothers, more times than not, the mothers will comply because they’ll recognize his attempt to do the right thing. But, if he shows favoritism among his children, then the resentments felt by the mothers and children should be expected.

  • Trisha_B

    My dad has 5 other kids, they lived in Jamaica my whole life. he would always tell me i need to talk to them, even my mom would get calling cards & make me talk to them. But i was never interested in knowing them & they basically felt the same about me. They were strangers to me. i considered my dad’s wife daughters my siblings over my blood. when i was 19, two of my dads daughter & son moved to Ny to live w/ my dad. I was down there for the summer & me & them didn’t talk. It was uncomfortable to be in a room w/ someone calling my dad “daddy.” Me being the youngest, they were mean to me. I ended up go back home earlier than planned. Come to find out, they didn’t like me b/c they felt my mom took our dad from their mother. So since their mother had issues w/ my mom, they took their issues out on me. Last year me & my father had a falling out, and one of my dads daughters reached out to me via facebook & said that she thinks we should work on your relationship & that she wished we would have been around each other growing up even tho i mothers didn’t get along

  • C

    Awww sweet picture of a littlie sister sleeping between her brothers regardless of who the mother is. While these women are bickering back and forth, all that matters to a man is his children. Children are innocent, they don’t know whats going on. But I strongly agree that children should know who their siblings are and a man should be allowed to see his child outside the relationship. Because you might not know it but he see’s that child anyway. You can’t hold a real man from his kids.

  • quest

    All Swizz Beats kids look like him. It’s hard to believe they all got different mothers.

  • Charley

    I met my half sister when I was a senior in high school. She had the same last name as I did and was in one of my classses but I just assumed she was one of my many
    cousins. Imagine my surprise when I asked her who her dad was and she said my dad. We’ve had no contact since and that was almost 30 years ago.

  • LfeAbdantly

    The key word is children. This isn’t about you–the adults, this is about the children and the parents respecting and loving them enough to give them the right to make decisions for themselves. My ex-husband and I have 2 kids together. He remarried and of course had another child. This child was of course treated “better” than mine but I was able to look past that in order for kids to spend time together. I didn’t care for his wife at the time but wasn’t about ME! He latered fathered another child with someone else again anytime he wanted the kids to all hang out I was open. I extended myself to the mother but she just wanted to daddy bash so I cut OUR relationship short; BUT I allowed the kids to continue their relationships. Other the years the kids have remained close w/the exception of the youngest. But the kids were allowed to make that decision not the adults. So forget about yourself and think about your kids.

  • LemonsandLimes

    In our situation, the other woman is a complete lunatic, who has made false claims against us, which puts my career at risk and she knows this. She has gone as far as calling my job. Not to mention she uses that poor child as a pawn. All for revenge. She is hateful, shady, and is out for blood years later. I hope and pray for that child everyday, because the state that I live in is profemale and there’s pretty much nothing we can do except continue to support $. We have been through lawyers, spent thousands of dollars, and have put our own children through the ringer enough financially and emotionally. I had to even get my own lawyer. Trust me my heart breaks for that child, but I have to think of my children and their well-being. If I had left (which we did break up for awhile), I would still make the same decision. Whether you stay or go, the situation doesn’t change.
    My children will know in their teens, and we have the backing of child psychologists, a social worker, and a doctor. We live far enough away that we don’t have to worry about them ever meeting up or dating. Every situation is unique, and yes while I can agree the children should grow up knowing each other, many times that’s not possible. We keep a journal for when the children have questions later on we have answers. Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in.

  • blkqueen70

    My half brother and I (we are 6 months apart) met one another in 4th grade because we were in the same class! Neither of us knew about the other, because our parents obviously didn’t think it was important for us to know. A group of us just happened to start talking about our families and he and I discovered that we had the same family members. My brother thought he was an only child, so the shock of having not only a sister, but a younger brother too, was too much for him. He has never recovered from the deception. He has real issues behind all of this that have followed him into adulthood.

  • Miss Anonymous

    I think it might depend on the kids more than the parents. The kids might not be accepting of the outside child or their fathers new wife and kids from the actions of the father. Many have seen how one set is always often treated different than the other set. We all have known a man or two who treated his ex wife and their kids like they didnt exist but treats his new wife and kids like the best thing since sliced bread. So when the children do come of age they will have bad memories of their father while the “new” kids see him as a saint and they will clash about what type of man their father is and how the other kids act like their better than them.

    Smh John Edwards and Rielle arent no good. I only feel bad for their kids especially the youngest one. I know she will have conflicting feeling on how her mom and dad got together and how he denied her in the beginning.

  • kittenheelskenya

    Idcmy child isn’t dealing with her fathers mistake that he created.My ex fathered a child outside of our relationship while I was pregnant with a cat shlt crazy chick who stalked and harassed me.Nope I resent his side bltch baby.I’d be lying if said the thoughts of cupcakes and unicorns came to mind whenever I think about that little girl

    • lark

      sorry to hear that dear, and your feelings are completely understandable, but truly those kids didn’t ask to be here. yours or hers. hopefully in time you can heal and she(the other mom) can get some sense so atleast your kids can have some sort of relationship with each other.
      you don’t like the thought of the baby now, but imagine in 15- 20 years and these kids run into each other not knowing they’re siblings! that can go all kinds of wrong (fighting or worse, screwing! yikes!), so fix it while y’all kids are young

    • quest

      The child is innocent, be mad at him….

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      That’s pretty selfish and triffiling of you taking your anger out on a child and not her father. Not only that you deny your child a chance to get to know her sibling because of issues between adults? It’s funny how women lay with the scum of the earth and yet the children suffer. . .

  • Adiatc

    This is a great article!! My father had several children born before, during and after his union with my mother. Needless to say, because of his philandering ways, he and my mother parted when I was just 7 years old.

    My father moved back to his home country (6,000 miles away) and none of the mothers (my mother included), made any effort for us to be around each other while growing up. As a result, we have ended up being complete strangers, harboring resentment toward each other. Them feeling left out as my mom was ‘the main one’ and me- feeling that actions with their mothers was the main reason my family was broken. It seems that all we have in common is abandonment and some physical traits.

    It is really difficult trying to get to know each other and accept each other as adults. We were all raised in completely different environments and find it hard to understand each other. I really hope that people think about how their bad decisions affect their offspring in childhood as well as in to adulthood.