Stupid Excuses for Having Kids Out of Wedlock

August 5th, 2010 - By Christelyn Karazin

See how I owned that?  Can someone please tell me why the cuss so many other black women and men try and excuse and dismiss, call for a study, blame a white man, slavery, a government conspiracy, faulty birth control, moon spots, ANYTHING to put the blame on our shameful statistics of out-of-wedlock offspring somewhere else other than with ourselves?

Frankly, all these excuses seem like a) we think Trojans are just some army who liked to build wooden horses b) we are incapable of controlling our sexual impulses without first taking the proper precautions, or c) Sade, Brian McNight and Marvin Gaye are tools for Satan.

I read a comment one day from a single mom named Stephanie* about this, and what she said made me throw up a bit in my mouth: “To be quite honest—babies don’t need much else except food, sleep & old fashioned L-O-V-E. Giving your baby a good life won’t really matter to them until they are old enough to notice that they’re dirt poor (lol) and that doesn’t happen until they are well into adolescence.”

Oh Em Gee, with a dash of WTF.  I’m the mother of four–yes, cuatro–children, and I can tell you that babies need a lot more than that.  But hey, who cares?  According to Stephanie*, a child won’t realize you positioned them in a terrible disadvantage until they become teenagers, AND THEN…wait for it…wait…then we can all watch the train wreck:

63% of teen suicides come from fatherless homes

90% of all runaways come from fatherless homes

71% of pregnant teenagers lack a father

80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes

85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes.

Way to go, Stephanie*, way to go.  Soon your child will cease to be only your problem, but our collective pain in the gluteus maximus.

Here’s an idea: why don’t all of us make an effort to at least TRY to create stable and functional homes for children.  I’m no Polyanna; I know that marriage doesn’t always work out, but damn, can’t we at least try?  It’s time for women and men to stand together with a new mantra, “No Wedding, No Womb!”

*name changed to protect the stupid.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of the upcoming book, Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed and runs a blog, beyondblackwhite.com, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships.

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  • http://mynameismisswhite.blogspot.com/ Miss White
  • professionalblkwoman

    I'm so glad to hear sensible black women being so vocal on the ridiculousness going on in our community. I am a professional black woman who refuses to date a man with kids, particularly OOW kids. I dont want any part of what is dysfunction in my eyes. Likewise, I wont be any man's baby mama.

    There was a previous post on blacknoir wherein the OP (a black man) said he doesnt date black women with kids, specifically the proverbial "baby mama" and folks got so upset.

    We have to stop getting upset when someone calls out piss poor behavior. The reality is what the BC has been doing isn't working.. Bravo to the OP.

  • Pingback: Certified Links | Poppin' Tails – Suckin' Heads – Gettin' It In…For Goodness Sake!

  • http://momsofhue.com Kristina Brooke

    Why should Christeyln feel the need to sugar-coat the facts? OOW births are NOT uplifting our community in anyway. Men who go around sleeping with everything that moves and women who allow these men to deposit w/o commitment are not helping to UPLIFT the community in anyway. Most children born into poverty, stay there. Most single parent households have a hard time making ends meet. Most single parents don't have the energy to parent at 60%. It is stressful and not necessary. Exceptions are not rules!

    A sign of the times? That is ridiculous. We are enslaving ourselves. And granted, I am married with a child and my marriage may not work, but my husband was committed enough to me marry me and we are committed enough to provide the best for our daughter. To build a life with me. My daughter is a product of love AFTER we married- not a product of lust…there is a difference.

    But there is so much more to it. The health of pregnant women who are going it alone suffers. When you are a single parent and you don't have someone there advocating for your health needs, your health can suffer as can that of your child. There is power in numbers and when you go it alone you are vulnerable and susceptible to so much more than if you had the support of a loving partner.

    Wise up! We are hurting ourselves.

  • tiannajoi

    Interesting article. I think we should be careful when discussing statistics. There is a big difference between a child coming from a home without a father living there, and a child not have a father at ALL in there life. Just because a father does not live in the house does not mean the child does not have a relationship with their father. I think the statistics you discussed are representative of children with no fathers.

  • tb

    I guess so. I look forward to reading. more of your work.:-)

  • Christelyn Karazin

    @tb, we're going to have to agree to disagree here. I truly hope the best for you, and that on some level, you'll take what I and others have said to heart. NWNW

  • tb

    Yes, she has looked far and wide for a mate and has not found one.

    Don't those same children deserve certain things too? So because said woman is not able to provide this child with what he/she needs then she should consider herself unfortunate and go in search of an unfortunate child?

    Why didn't you adopt?

    You are 100% right in that a child is not a fad.

  • Elaine85

    @ LadyJ316 Thanks for the concern, but I am cool in the area . . . trust me. I am all BUT frigid.

    But, really?? Where did you get any of your information? Apparently you probably don’t know many virgins or celibate people to make such a statement. There have been people abstaining and being celibate since the beginning of time, so I’m clearly not the first, and I won’t be the last. You might want to do some research on your own and see who really are the women who have problems with orgasms and “being frigid” in the boudoir.

  • Christelyn Karazin

    tb:

    Has said spinster gone through all her potential mates? I'm not just talking brothers; has she expanded her options to men of other races and cultures?

    To answer your question the, 30-ish spinster could have a child if she were not married and has given up all hope in her ripe old age…how about adopting one? Know how many kids need saving in the system? Those kids would DEFINITELY benefit from Ms. Spinter's brothers, uncles and male friends.

    And lastly, listen carefully: NOT EVERYONE IS "ENTITLED" TO HAVE A CHILD! Kids are not cell phone, iPads, Jimmy Chu's or any other type of accessory. They require certain things, and if you don't have them but want them anyway, then well, Ms. Spinster is selfish and self-centered, and I wouldn't want to be her child.

  • tb

    Yes because maybe you've lumped all women together. I do believe that children deserve a father and mother. But you're putting out a blanket statement. What about those who have both parents and still have issues and problems?

    When I was younger I felt the same way your daughter did. So I'm not saying you're entirely wrong. I just think that not everything works out the way it was intended. Yes, children do get the crappy end of the stick often times. But for you to put out such a blanket statement is a bit ….crazy?

    Question, if a woman wants to have a child at thirty. She can raise this child with no problem. She has brothers, uncles, and male friends who will serve as male influence in her child's life. Are you then saying that she should not go ahead and have a child?

  • thelafemmenoir

    One question-

    Can someone ~~please~~ point out to me an area/community in this country where the AA OOW birth rate is at 20% or greater and the violent crime rate for said area is low or below national average? Scientific research has shown that there is a direct correlation between high OOW births and crime. It's so bad in my county that there is a commerical with the county sheriff telling father's: "Spend time with your children, before they end up spending time with me!" (meaning ending up in jail)

    Can someone please point me to the area where I can find the "village" that helps single moms raise their children? I seem to have not gotten my invitation. Perhaps it was an oversight on the administrations part.

    And finally, just from a biological aspect, if it wasn't necessary for a man to be present and part of the childrearing process, wouldn't we be asexual like the New Mexico whiptail lizard?

    In all ape & monkey species, the males actively participate in childrearing ( whether you believe in evolution or not you have to have noticed this), and they are said to be a lower life form? If they get it, why can't we? Or is it that we have de-evolved so far that we are not even on THEIR level?

    I am not attacking anyone, believe me, I am in no position to do so, but I find it hard to believe that a woman could think that playing russian roulette with her child's life is a good thing. Yes, a few turn out ok, especially amoung female children, but with males, it's even more rare for them to be successful. Perhaps a read of the book The Other Wes Moore will help you see the big picture in regards to the limitations single parenting has on the child?

  • Christelyn Karazin

    Just an observation, but I find it interesting (and not in a good way) that the two people who think that the OOW problem in the black community really "isn't a problem" never had the benefit of a two-parent household.

    THIS! *Picks up gun, puts in mouth, shoots.*

  • tb

    Short and sweet

    I agree with College Girl. I think this blog/article/piece has a point in that both parents should be involved. However, I believe having a child out of wedlock IS NOT THAT BAD!!

    It's a sign of the times ie there are more women who are doing it by themselves and who don't want/need a man around.There are educated black women who have children who often times turn out to be better than those coming from a two parent home or even privileged home………Montana Fishburne.

    I come from a broken home but my mother made sure she taught certain values us (my siblings and me). Now if the question is DID WE ALL FOLLOW, then the answer would be no. However, the lesson was still taught.

    I am a 25 year old black woman with a BBA. I plan on going back to school to further my education…just to state that I'm no fool…. but I'll be damned if I am suggested to get married for my child.

    I think what you may have done was lumped all black women together. You know, the "hood"/ "ride or die"/ "I'll ____ her up" woman with those who aspire to be better and then RETURN, to make it better for our people.

    That is all.

  • LadyJ316

    I come from a stable two-parent home. My parents are still married and neither of them have children outside of their marriage. I honestly think that gave me a leg-up in someways. I'm faaarrrr from perfect but know I'd be a lot worse off if I hadn't had a Father to rescue me from myself at times. My nuclear family gave me was a team and I grew up wanting to represent our team well. My Mother knew without a shadow of a doubt that my Father chose to spend every waking moment of his life nurturing our family, therefore she was able to function in a manner that gave all of us mental security. In high school, I knew I had a date to the Father daughter dance. I knew if a male came to see me my Daddy would make him totally uncomfortable on purpose. I knew that no matter what there were two people in the world that loved me unconditionally so I wasn't subconsciously searching for it in the streets. When your mind is filled with thoughts of resentment, regret and unrequited love, it's hard to feel balanced. It's possible to be productive (great job, money, cool friends etc.) but it's that internal unrest that helps perpetuate the cycle of broken relationships which produce single parent homes. I'm confident in my ability to relate to men (namely my man) in a healthy way and I mediate on passing the same values to my own children whenever God decides to bless me with a marriage to cover them with. I also use birth control and I encourage any sexually active unmarried person to do the same.

  • college girl

    @cigo8179, I absolutely agree with your perspective on this issue. And as you stated minorities are not the poster children for dysfunction, it is an individual choice. well said, I repeat well said

  • Elaine85

    I meant to say "when you **can't** even provide the love and financial support for the child(ren).

  • MimiRose

    "No wedding, No womb!" is definitely my motto, when it comes to me being a parent. I am not interested in doing the "shacking up" thing with a paramour either. In my opinion, I think it has to do with the fact that I was raised in a two-parent household (with both parents who were active roles in my upbringing).

    Despite being aware of the multitude of reasons of why there are single mothers, I agree with Christelyn's commentary. I'm sure her ranting is not aimed at EVERY single mother, but I think I know what type of single mom she is talking about:

    -The aforementioned "I am going to have this baby because I think it is going to turn my Man-child of a boyfriend into an actual responsible adult" single mom.

    -The soon-to-be-expecting girlfriend of the "multiple kids by multiple women and is shirking all of his paternal responsibilities" man. But, she thinks that he is going to be a different kind of father with HER kid.

    -The woman with the five kids, who each were conceived by a different man, because she thought each man was going to be "different than the previous one".

    -The woman who says "he doesn't like to use condoms and I don't use birth control…I'm pregnant…oh, well".

    Do you see where I am going with this?

  • awilkerson202

    Is kinda laughing at how hard everyone is goin in on College Girl. I mean this is a blog and she is entitled to her opinion. I am a single mom. and i can definitely see what the writer is trying to say: Stop the cycle of popping out babies to men who will lay with you but wont put a ring on it….i get it. and she is right. there is no excuse for having babies out of wedlock and i dont think it should be praised cuz that not how it was meant to be. I do well for my son and i am educated, however, his father is not in his life and i know he will one day wonder why (he is only a year old now) Thats something i will have to deal with but i cannot hang my head and live my life full of regret. Its just a lesson learned. Now will i choose to bear another child out of wedlock? Hell NO! Simply because i want my future children and my son to grow up in a traditional family. thats my dream….with all that being said, i also understand where college girl is coming from, while i dont feel she was recommending doing away with marriage and just raising the all the babies alone, she was simply saying that life is a blessing and not matter what kind of situation you were in when you got pregnant, you should NEVER apologize for your child! I agree. and some of the other women that commented did have the tone of regret in their comment. I dont know if they meant it that way or if it was just coming of that way. also i thinks she was trying to say that both single parent and two parent households can raise troubled children, which is the truth. all in all i think we all agree that it is best for a child to be raised in a household with 2 parents….but if you do find yourself in a single mother situation, just learn from it and try to upbuild fellow single moms, not degrade or berate them….or excuse them….also, we have to stop being so defensive when people dont agree with out opinions. Its rude, wrong and just plain tacky. Opinions are just like the nose on your faces, EVERYONE has one:)….be blessed!

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