Can You Marry Someone You Don’t Love?

February 6th, 2012 - By Charing Ball

"charing ball"A friend of mine posted this blog on her Facebook page and it got me intrigued. The blog post features a letter about a woman who is set to be married. You’re probably thinking, ooh, a love story, how quaint, right? Or you’re probably thinking, whatever, people get married everyday. Who wants to read an entire post about that?  Well here’s the thing: she doesn’t love the man she is about to wed. Ah, now your interest has been piqued.

Okay here is the lowdown: The 28-year young woman named Folu has been involved in a series of bad relationships, where she found herself giving away emotionally more than she received – a ratio of 70-30 percent to be more exact. Anyway, after dating a scumbag named Bode for over two years, who seemed to have taken delight in cheating on her and dangling a relationship on a string, our heroine began to realize that the feeling of being in love is “overrated” and is the most “negligible consideration in looking for a mate.”

Folu then goes on to discuss meeting her fiancé Tayo, with whom she has been dating and engaged to for 11 months combined.  While Tayo, who is a born-again Christian, meets one of her requirements, he doesn’t dress nice, doesn’t offer intellectual stimulation and is not really physically attractive enough to get her excited. In short, Tayo is boring. However, Folu claims that with him, she has found her peace and joy.

So what is it about Tayo that makes her believe that he is the one, despite not being the one that makes her heart go pitter-patter? Well, in short, he is nice to her. He does stuff like pick her up from the airport, something her former lover Bode would never do, and makes her feel safe, secure, pampered and cared for.  And although Folu does not love Tayo, she is convinced that eventually she could, especially after they consummate their relationship. According to the Folu, “I might not be with the handsome charmer I longed for as a young teenager. He might not have the best physique in the world. He might not have funny things to say to me all the time. He might not be able to make my heart do somersaults. He might not have the latest clothes and shoes nor know the latest slangs young peoples say. He might not understand my love for E! News and Yoruba movies. But of this I am sure: I am with the man God selected, handpicked for me….”

She adds, “My heart doesn’t have to skip beats when he is not with me. I don’t have to call him 10 times before I get one call back from him. I’m not pressured to do anything ungodly instead I am challenged to draw closer to God and know Him more that I might be a deserving wife to the man God designed for me and that I may bring him as much joy and bliss as he does me. If you call this settling then yes, this girl HAS settled.”

There is no way to verify the authenticity of this letter; however let’s assume for the purpose of this post that it is true. And it is not like there isn’t someone out there right now going through the same thing so it would not be so far of a stretch to ponder the possibilities. Nevertheless for those, who are familiar with my previous post in regards to settling, you know I’m not having it. I don’t care what the media says about the probability of marriage for Black women; life is too short to be with someone, who you sort of, kind of, maybe “like.” But that’s just my thing and if she is as truly happy and content as she says she is, than who am I to judge?

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  • sentimental

    Dummy nothing is for sure! One thing that was a major factor is the fact that he is a God fearing man and has brought her closer to God which is the best element in the relationship. Through prayer things will change for her and for him. That’s the answer to the spiritual part of the relationship, the second part is wise advise “Its better he’s looking for her than her looking for him” Tayo has the qualities of a good man; not the potential.” He may not be 100 % but he is a good 80″ quote by T.D.Jakes

  • Themcleods

    The reason there are so many unhappy, unsatisfied people is because we all (talking about the posters of this thread) make this statements based on how we feel.  How we feel is rarely based on any scientific evidence.  There are psychological (a science of statistics and probabilities) and physiological truths to love and attachment.  Because the masses of us do not know these things, we go off of what our friends say, what we see on TV, what we “think”, etc.  “Love” and infatuation/lust are two totally different things.  Here’s my point.  The lay person doesn’t know the difference as seen in so many of these posts.  “Love” is a word to describe your level of mental and emotional investment you have in a person…..NOT that ‘warm and fuzzy” thing most have refered to in this thread. 

  • kEELAH

      I can see where this poster is coming from.  What starts off as heart pounding, stomach somersaults DOES eventually calm down.  Love that sustains for years goes through ebbs and flows, but what does and should always remain is respect, appreciation and openness to grow with one another.  I think that ‘feeling’ that we all seem to be searching for is what is keeping lots of us in relationships of convenience where our TRUE needs aren’t being met or constantly chasing every possibility that we run across.  Read: Thirsty!!  

    While personally, I must have at LEAST in the beginning felt that heart pounding butterfly thing for my husband of choice, I respect and commend her honesty.  Those feelings don’t sustain a marriage but appreciation goes a LONG WAY!

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  • MixedUpInVegas

    Love in marriage evolves and changes over time.  It deepens from the breathless romantic love that brings two people together into an abiding respect for, and appreciation of, the many good qualities in your mate.  As time and the vagaries of life test each partner, the strength of their bond increases as it is tested and overcomes adversity for the good of the partnership.

    Many commenters here had said that love is not enough and that is soooooo true.  We have all loved people we would never marry, so clearly there is more to it.  A loveless marriage, though, is hard to imagine.  Perhaps each partner would “learn” to love each other over time.  It happens.  When someone is good to you, stands by you, lifts you up and sacrifices for you, it is hard to believe that those things would not stir your heart.  So maybe . . . .

  • Chantel Lewis

    Love is over rated in an instant gratification society that we live in. I respect her hustle not wanting to love after giving way to much. Good Luck!

  • lovehubby

    Marriage can’t work without love. For instance, people marry for money and end up in divorce; why…b/c there was no love in the first place. When marriages are tested love is what makes the difference. I will have been married for four years in June. I can’t imagine being with a man in holy matrimony without the love of God and love for each other as the foundation.

  • http://twitter.com/assassinsfate Davanward

    Love doesn’t last. It’s a fleeting emotion so I agree with Folu. 

  • tiffany

    this begs the question: what is love?

    • uzo

      1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

  • MissK

    This is my worst nightmare.  I’d rather stay single.

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  • NikkitaMichelle

    I can only speak from personal experience.  I don’t see anything wrong with Folu marrying someone that she’s not necessarily in love with.  What is being in love in the first place.  Everyone I know that had this wild crazy passionate in love feeling are now divorced.  Too many people confuse being in love with infatuation and lust. God doesn’t promise any of us that we’ll be in love.  That’s some crap that has been made up in romance novels.  After dating quite a few dogs that I thought I was in love with, I learned quite quickly when I met my husband that those relationships were totally one sided.  I was in love with who I knew these dudes could be and not actually who they really were.  I married my best friend and I loved him as a friend at the time.  It’s when crap hit the fan and he stayed by side and had my back through it all that a loving friendship turned into the greatest love I’ve ever known other than that with Christ.  I’m hoping the same can happen for Folu.

  • Pivyque

    I can understand that. It makes sense and the love can eventually grow. Love IS overrated. People will use love as an excuse for anything. If you find someone who fits the bill in every way, why do you need to love them? Arranged marriages last longer than most marriages that people entered because they were in love. I think that it is only settling if you are unhappy. I love my husband, but even if I didn’t, I would have married him because he is a good person and he makes me happy. I can live with that for the rest of my life. Love or not.

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