by Uju Asika
Parenting is nasty business.
Let me rephrase: I have picked up many habits quite unbecoming to a lady of my considerable breeding since being initiated into maternity.
It starts with all that prodding and poking throughout pregnancy. That’s when you say goodbye to your inhibitions. But it’s impossible to imagine, until you cross your own personal pain and shame threshold (aka labour and delivery), just how low you’ll stoop.
And you can’t escape it. Unless you’re rich enough to hire your kids out to the nanny 24-7, somewhere along your parental path you will find yourself engaging in at least one of the following 7 disgusting behaviours:
1. Butt sniffing
How often as new parents do we casually raise our kids in the air and plunge our noses into their backsides in public? At restaurants, in malls, at the pet shop… yes we’re regular poop hounds. Funny thing is when baby does drop that bomb, everyone can smell it from a mile away.
2. Boob grabbing
It’s not about sexual assault, I’m talking about squeezing your own melons to check which one baby last drained. I’ve caught myself doing this strolling down the street, glancing into a passing window and wondering who that lady is feeling herself up. Knock knock? It’s you, mama.
3. Poop scooping
We’re all familiar with dirty diapers. But once those diapers come off, it’s a whole catalogue of horrors from poo-namis in the bathtub, to shit storms (literally) on the grocery floor. Potty training ain’t for wimps.
4. Discussing bodily functions
Parenting is a strangely intimate bond. Within minutes of meeting a complete stranger in the playground, you’ll trade stories of leaky boobs, stitches ‘down there’, projectile vomiting…anything goes when you’re in the bub club.
5. Serving food off the floor
As an older child, your mama warns you not to do it. But what she doesn’t tell you is that when you were a baby she couldn’t be bothered with fixing you a new plate every time you tossed carrots to the floor. She would dust it off, blow on it, maybe say a prayer, and shove it back on your tray.
6. Nose picking
I’ve got two snotty-nosed kids and I take secret pleasure in extracting their crusty boogers. But the other day on the train, when my four-year-old son announced loudly, ‘Mum, I’ve got a bogey, you’ve got to pick my nose!’, I at least had the grace to feel a little embarrassed.
7. Breast milk tasting
It’s not for everyone, I know. But when you start lactating and see how much your baby just can’t get enough of the good stuff, why not give it a try? I did. And that’s the last you’ll hear of it. Although I will say it was an excellent vintage.
………..
Uju Asika is founder and Babe-in-chief of Babes About Town, a London-based city guide and social network for hip, smart parents.
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JB
7/21/10, 15:16:pm
Hahaha! This was a fantastic list. I was confused at first, I thought I was going to be reading about bad parenting or something, but this was hilarious, and oh so true.
MissNikki
7/21/10, 16:21:pm
This really had me laughing out loud! As a mother of two toddlers, I can most definately relate on all 7 points. LOL
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7/21/10, 21:23:pm
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Sherry
7/24/10, 12:19:pm
This article is so-o-o true! I remember when my daughter was little my sister would be so disgusted when I picked my daughter’s nose — it was second nature to me though!
no need
7/24/10, 12:27:pm
uju is an ibo name in nigeria
Mummytwo
7/24/10, 14:38:pm
FUNNY!! i cant stop laughing becuase i do have these habits
tracy cousins
7/24/10, 20:48:pm
these things arent nasty may not be in great taste, but there are some nasty parents out there, pinching their son’s penis playing with it, now that’s nasty, Ive even seen some parents kiss they babys in the mouth with wagging tongues, making nasty comments about the baby girls v area, saying her baby going to have a banging body and a donk…all kinds of weird shit, letting the kids be nasty with other kids, wearing diapers way pass the pee limit and sometimes the poop limit…this stuff is natural, and why wouldnt u taste ur milk at least once, ur giving the stuff to ur baby for Christ sake, but Ive seen mom’s milking for their husbands weird taste for her luv milk…yeah the stuff u mention is not nasty so dont make new parents feel odd…not nice.
Courtney
7/24/10, 23:53:pm
im guilty lol